Texting Anxiety despite being in an amazing relationship

[TheGreatDivide]

Hey guys, I just recently began seeing someone for sometime now and let me just start off by saying things are fantastic with us. We have obvious great chemistry in all three areas (emotional, intellectual, and physical), our viewpoints on life and what we desire in a partner are perfectly compatible. Our love languages are exactly the same. Already, she's the most loving and caring person I've ever dated. Easily. And I hesitate to even voice this in my own head, let alone put into words, but she's everything I've been searching for in my entire life (and I'm in my 30's) in regards to the partner-in-crime I've been seeking.

Some of the most important things for me in a partner is that I need to feel at peace when I'm with them, that my mind's sanctuary isn't punctured or poisoned by their company and I simply want my love for my partner to be reciprocated equally. The latter kinda sounds sad, but it's the truth. I simply just want to be loved unconditionally back. I've had volatile, toxic relationships in the past that led me understanding how important that is in a relationship and how I won't let anything compromise that again. She's has done both of those things for me unconditionally. She's honestly incredible

Now, the only issue I've been having is with myself. I wanted to disclose how good our relationship actually is thus far because I've been getting some terrible anxiety when we are texting and i don't always get a timely respond. Which is utterly moronic/hypocritical, and I absolutely hate that about myself, because literally I'm the WORST TEXTER in the world and I warned her about this within our first few hours of talking. She also warned me that she is a bad texter herself. She told me very early on that when she's with her friends/family, she prefers to be with them without the distractions of her phone so she can be more present (which I honestly love). And this anxiety I feel, it's not like I'm worried she's seeing anyone else or anything like that, it's more just that I'm anxious, an unjustified anxiousness in my opinion, that her delayed responses mean she doesn't want to be with me anymore. 

Now I know this anxiety is 100% in my own head, and I know it's from past relationships where I the person I was seeing would just stop texting me for hours or even a few days (it was a toxic on and off relationship) and it stems from a deep insecurity of mine where I can sometimes seek validation of myself from others (which is something I've been actively working on for years, and it has gotten better).

 

My question(s) to y'all is if any of you guys have this texting anxiety and how did you overcome it? I do not want this anxiety of mine to ruin anything with her, and I just want to able to calm that in my mind so that I can remain rational and understanding.

[ExpatInItaly]

28 minutes ago, TheGreatDivide said:

her delayed responses

How delayed are we talking?

Because "texting" anixety is almost never about texting itself. 

[Wiseman2]

How long, exactly, have you been dating? Text-tethering is needy clingy annoying and controlling. 

Focus on in person interactions and the overall quality of this. Take time to get to know each other.

It seems like you are in the rose colored glasses stage and that in itself is causing your anxiety.

[chillii]

Don't worry about it , if things work out you get to know ea others habits and ways so well that as long as she's legit you'll be ok.

We've been apart a lot this yr for example as she's up in her city for some stuff. l know exactly when she'll reply or if she doesn't l'll know what she's doing that's holding her up , even if l have no idea what she's doing , it'll be right.  As l said , you just get to know ea others ways and patterns.lf you've got no reason not to trust her you'll probably settle down in time.

Edited December 12, 2021 by chillii

[Blind-Sided]

3 hours ago, TheGreatDivide said:

1) and i don't always get a timely respond. Which is utterly moronic/hypocritical, and I absolutely hate that about myself, because literally I'm the WORST TEXTER in the world 

2) Now I know this anxiety is 100% in my own head, and I know it's from past relationships where I the person

Well... you answered your own question, and you are holding her to a double standard.  You are a bad txt'r, but you expect her to respond quickly?  I fully understand that you are worried because of a bad past... but this could cause her to be frustrated to the point that you chase her away.  OR... you insecurity will cause you to say something that will be borderline accusing.

If she hasn't given you any reason to honestly think she is cheating on you... you will have to find a way to calm down. Unfortunately... there is no good way to tell you how to do this since it's a clinical kind of thing. (anxiety)

As far as me.... I'm kind of the same way, but I don't let it control my every thought.  I'm a good txt'r... but I don't let it rule my life. I may not get back to someone for a couple hours because I'm busy. (I'm not a 14yo girl who lives on my phone)  My GF is the same way.  I know she works in a building with a bad signal... and sometimes she won't get back to me for a while.  Sure... somewhere in the back of my head... I think maybe she is with someone else... because I've been cheated on a couple times in my life... and my marriage ended badly.  But... I've gotten to a point where life must move on, and if she is cheating on me... then why would I want to be with her?  Basically... if I find out she is cheating... she will be gone, and I won't look back.  Sure... it will hurt for a little while... but it will hurt less than a divorce.  LOL.

[glows]

When I’m struggling with conflicting thoughts I journal or time out. This means watching a movie, getting outside or running, doing something active. The process of engaging in something else loosens that anxious grip and I can then see things in a different perspective. Feeling productive also does wonders for your self-esteem. 

Anxiety is one of those things that is difficult to control or rationalize so find a productive way to divert your thoughts or at least divert where they land up. You’ve identified that it may stem from past issues so unpack that and write it all down in private and reread your thoughts to yourself. You may gain more insight and try for more balance.

Be open with yourself also and more realistic about this relationship. You seem to think very highly of her and it’s unnatural. If you have a tendency to do that in new relationships slow those thoughts. It leaves room for others to make minor mistakes and you may grow as a couple. 

In this day and age most people live by their phones. Spend some time disconnecting from your phone several times in the day. That means sending a message or email and not looking for a response at all until later that evening or the next morning. In that time do the other things I mentioned above. Bring that anxiety down and more balance in your life. You’ll be better with “switching off” or controlling your anxiety in time because you’ll know how to manage it. 

Whatever it is don’t feel alone. Plenty of people struggle with this in some form or another. 

 

[TheGreatDivide]

19 hours ago, glows said:

When I’m struggling with conflicting thoughts I journal or time out. This means watching a movie, getting outside or running, doing something active. The process of engaging in something else loosens that anxious grip and I can then see things in a different perspective. Feeling productive also does wonders for your self-esteem. 

Anxiety is one of those things that is difficult to control or rationalize so find a productive way to divert your thoughts or at least divert where they land up. You’ve identified that it may stem from past issues so unpack that and write it all down in private and reread your thoughts to yourself. You may gain more insight and try for more balance.

Be open with yourself also and more realistic about this relationship. You seem to think very highly of her and it’s unnatural. If you have a tendency to do that in new relationships slow those thoughts. It leaves room for others to make minor mistakes and you may grow as a couple. 

In this day and age most people live by their phones. Spend some time disconnecting from your phone several times in the day. That means sending a message or email and not looking for a response at all until later that evening or the next morning. In that time do the other things I mentioned above. Bring that anxiety down and more balance in your life. You’ll be better with “switching off” or controlling your anxiety in time because you’ll know how to manage it. 

Whatever it is don’t feel alone. Plenty of people struggle with this in some form or another. 

 

 

Thank you for this response. 

I think a lot of this specific kind of anxiety stems from the insecurity of mine that I'm unlovable, which I know to be demonstrably false, but it still lingers. Ironically, when I was in my longest relationship (6 years with my high school sweetheart which ended amiably, and on good terms), I never had this kind of anxiety. Ever. Even during the courting phase and honeymoon phase, I did not care whatsoever if she texted me quickly.

I've gained this anxiety in the relationships since that one and because everyone I've ever dated or talked to, has always stopped responding/talking to me eventually. I think it became an oppressive, and debilitating anxiety once I began placing the source of my happiness in another person, which is dangerous, ill-fated and a horrible decision. I came to this realization  in earnest after my most recent relationship that ended last year.

Since then, I've worked very hard to place my source of happiness in myself, the things I enjoy, and to achieve a level of peace with myself. I feel like I've succeeded in that endeavor because even before I met this women or before we began dating, I was genuinely happy and content with my life, and myself. So I was shocked to find this anxiety emerging again after doing all of that self-work and self-love. After I thought I had gotten rid of it. 

I only mentioned the relationship in detail because I wanted to thoroughly explain how good our relationship is in order to get those who read the post to understand how unwarranted and unfounded my feelings of anxiety are.

And I'll definitely will be utilizing the advice you gave me to help combat it when it inevitably rises once more.

Again, thank you.

[glows]

4 hours ago, TheGreatDivide said:

 

Thank you for this response. 

I think a lot of this specific kind of anxiety stems from the insecurity of mine that I'm unlovable, which I know to be demonstrably false, but it still lingers. Ironically, when I was in my longest relationship (6 years with my high school sweetheart which ended amiably, and on good terms), I never had this kind of anxiety. Ever. Even during the courting phase and honeymoon phase, I did not care whatsoever if she texted me quickly.

I've gained this anxiety in the relationships since that one and because everyone I've ever dated or talked to, has always stopped responding/talking to me eventually. I think it became an oppressive, and debilitating anxiety once I began placing the source of my happiness in another person, which is dangerous, ill-fated and a horrible decision. I came to this realization  in earnest after my most recent relationship that ended last year.

Since then, I've worked very hard to place my source of happiness in myself, the things I enjoy, and to achieve a level of peace with myself. I feel like I've succeeded in that endeavor because even before I met this women or before we began dating, I was genuinely happy and content with my life, and myself. So I was shocked to find this anxiety emerging again after doing all of that self-work and self-love. After I thought I had gotten rid of it. 

I only mentioned the relationship in detail because I wanted to thoroughly explain how good our relationship is in order to get those who read the post to understand how unwarranted and unfounded my feelings of anxiety are.

And I'll definitely will be utilizing the advice you gave me to help combat it when it inevitably rises once more.

Again, thank you.

Welcome. You seem to have a lot of insight and understanding about yourself. I do think that early on when getting to know someone new the element of unknown can cause anxiety and nervousness. It happens to many people. You are in tune with it. Others ignore it and carry on. 

She sounds lovely by the way. Enjoy your time together. Life is so short. Live it up. 

[spiderowl]

How much texting are you doing? If you are texting, say, more than 2 or 3 times a day and expecting rapid answers, she could just start to feel a bit ‘supervised by text’ and begin to resent it and delay responding. There is a fine line between keeping in touch and showing you care and are responsive and expecting too much contact by text.

Does interaction flow naturally by text, like chatting about what you are doing that day, or is it mostly you asking questions/texting and expecting rapid answers?  If so, let her initiate the texting half the time.

Edited December 13, 2021 by spiderowl

[JRabbit]

Do you have a job? Hobbies?