Katra_9 Posted December 10, 2021 Posted December 10, 2021 Hello, I don't know what am I looking for here, maybe some advice or support, either way, please be kind. This is a long story so I'll try to shorten it I met this guy online a year ago, we live in different cities, 3 hours away by car. At first, I ended things because I noticed he would blow hot & cold and he was giving a lot of excuses to not meet in person. A month and a half later he came back, saying he wanted to be friends and meet so he set the date for January, he said he couldn't in December because he's only free at the weekends and that's the time when he has his son. I agreed and we resumed our chats but he was doing the same thing. We had a normal chat on New Year's eve and then he disappeared for 2 weeks until I couldn't take it anymore and I reached out to him. He said he was struggling with depression and he had his son with him and all that. As a depression sufferer myself, I tried to be understanding and we started talking again, he giving me mixed signals. We couldn't meet because we went into lockdown again. But 2 weeks later after a seemingly normal chat, he ghosted me. I tried contacting him but he ignored me. A month after that my mum died and I was broken. Double grief, although losing my mum was obviously the worst. This guy tried to come back in April. He sent me this really long text that I couldn't read completely because he deleted it. I couldn't be bothered, I've just lost my mum and I didn't care anymore. But in July, he definitely came back. I wanted to know why he ghosted me (at least that's what I told myself) so I allowed him back into my life. Again, we made plans to meet but oh surprise! he started blowing hot and cold. I was getting angry (finally) and then I decided to block him (again, finally). He left me alone in the middle of a panic attack I had while I was chatting with him and he updated his profile on the dating app we met after telling me how much he missed me. Maybe I was wrong in feeling that way but that certainly hurt. As I was angry, I didn't feel bad at all, on the contrary, I felt empowered for the first time. But, 3 motnhs later I was going through a difficult situation and I got drunk so I unblocked him (big mistake). The same as always, we started talking again and everything was great at the beginning. He was the guy I liked and we made plans to meet again and he even booked our accommodation. He seemed supportive while I was going through that difficult situation and I thought to myself "Oh, maybe things will be different this time". NO. 3 weeks ago he started to become distant again. He apologised and told me to be patient with him, that he was feeling depressed again and his work was stressing him out. Again, I tried to be supportive and understanding, even though my gut was telling me "run". I must confess that I find it hard to distinguish between the voice from my gut and the voice from my anxiety. Then, a week ago, he apologised again for being quiet and I told him that I understood but I thought he shouldn't isolate himself because that's what depression wants. Then, while I was having my lunch break at work I saw he read my message and didn't reply. I tried not to worry about it but I could only think that history was repeating itself because that's what he used to do before disappearing: He would read my message and then he wouldn't reply and then, poof! disappeared. So this time, I decided to be upfront and I asked him if he was gonna do the same thing again. He said, "I won't be able to have great conversations right now, so what's the point?" I didn't reply to that, I was angry and I didn't know what to think. The next day I found out he's still using the dating app. Apparently, he's not too depressed to use it. I know what you will probably say, "you have no right, you don't have a relationship", yes but it still hurts so much. Especially after all the future faking and that he hinted we would be together. Anyway, that was a week ago and he's been even more distant than ever. He switched off the blue ticks on WhatsApp, I sent him a text last night and I haven't had a reply but of course, he's been online you know where. I know it's my fault but God, I'm so destroyed. My head is a mess and I've been trying to get angry again so I can block him for a second time but I've only managed to get sadder and sadder and I feel so small and weak. I don't know what to do.
glows Posted December 10, 2021 Posted December 10, 2021 The only thing to do is to think of what next. That's changing the way you're doing things. It's ok to make mistakes, learn from them and then let it go and don't carry it around. The things you were doing previously weren't working with this man. You know you both aren't dating and he mentioned that he'd like for the both of you to be friends. There didn't seem to be any intention to date you. Try to separate your depression from his. Take care of yourself and don't speak with him again. The interest isn't there. I am so sorry about the loss of your mum. Have you tried grief counselling?
Foxhall Posted December 10, 2021 Posted December 10, 2021 I sense a lot of loneliness in your thoughts, this guy clearly is not great for you, or is not in the right headspace himself to give you the support you need, I think you need to talk to people, call on some friends that you may be out of touch with, try to find support groups and make new friends, You will see things clearer and feel better just by connecting with more people again, make an effort to get out meeting people and not brooding as much alone. 1
spiderowl Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 (edited) Katra, I cannot believe you think this is your fault somehow! The guy messed you about and let you down repeatedly. Eventually, months after most people would have given up, you lost patience with him. Your anger and upset is trying to tell you he’s not a good guy - these are the feelings he generates in you. Either he wasn’t as interested as you or he is married or attached. His behaviour is ridiculous and makes no sense. Seriously, you would have to be crazy to pursue a guy who is long distance and is never there for you. You need to block this guy and never let him into your life again. He will only drive you to the depths of despair. Please look up push/pull relationships to get some insight as to why you keep being drawn back time and time again against all reason. I understand that you are lonely and had great hopes but we don’t hold onto a hot coal because we are feeling cold. What would a good guy be like? List the things that matter. Keeping his word would prob be one of them. Being consistent. Keeping in touch. Caring about your feelings. Not making excuses. Making the date and turning up. Not blaming you for his failures. Never waste your time on a guy who fails on your good guy list. Edited December 11, 2021 by spiderowl
chillii Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 Yeah agree it's not your fault op and when he first came back , he wanted to be friends , what is that , friends, wth good is friends. lf he was really into you he wouldn't be using a term like friends for starts. But with all his hot cold and ways he's acted and still is since, sorry op but your really wasting your time with this guy. You can be "friends" , if you want , but please don't waste your time expecting more or fall for a one night either, eventually.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 This guy doesn't sound depressed. He sounds married.
ShyViolet Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 Oh my goodness, please stop wasting your time with this. Even if depression is the real reason why he's so distant, then ok fine, that means he's not anywhere near in a headspace to pursue a relationship. Accept that, recognize that, and get off this merry-go-round. First and foremost, you have a responsibility to protect your own mental health and not let other people string you along and play with your emotions. 2
bene Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 (edited) If things start with so much anguish, blocking and ghosting then I don’t see a bright future down the line. He is not the one, he can’t and won’t give you what you need. It’s not a question of fault, he is just not the one. This may sound harsh but depression is not a free pass to treat people badly. Don’t make excuses for guys who don’t treat you right. You might feel lonely and sad but you need to look after you. Edited December 11, 2021 by bene
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