Author OBXer44 Posted December 11, 2021 Author Posted December 11, 2021 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Exactly. She didn't cheat. She was acting on your fantasy. Thank you for your input
Wiseman2 Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 14 hours ago, OBXer44 said: Thank you, you are right about me wading into the details, it consumes me. I need to get past the act and onto what I do moving forward She apologized profusely for getting carried away with this fantasy. Take it or leave it. She did not cheat. You know it and she knows it. You're amateurs and everything was quite blurry regarding how much you two want to involve sexuality with other men and these adult sites. When you admit you bit off more than you could chew, it's a start to healing rather than pointing fingers in a murky situation. You have a lot at stake. Why not admit to yourself that this misguided attempt to "spice things up" was a mistake for both of you.
Author OBXer44 Posted December 11, 2021 Author Posted December 11, 2021 21 minutes ago, Myabee said: I do think she owes you full disclosure and honesty. It's the only way forward to mend the marriage. Has she disclosed fully? We have been talking things out and she has disclosed what she says happened. I can only take her word that she is being honest at this point. I feel like we are making progress and hoping that we can work through this. I'm taking advise from others and looking into therapy and also taking a step back from our fantasy to keep all distractions out as we try to mend our relationship 1
Author OBXer44 Posted December 11, 2021 Author Posted December 11, 2021 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: She apologized profusely for getting carried away with this fantasy. Take it or leave it. She did not cheat. You know it and she knows it. You're amateurs and everything was quite blurry regarding how much you two want to involve sexuality with other men and these adult sites. When you admit you bit off more than you could chew, it's a start to healing rather than pointing fingers in a murky situation. You have a lot at stake. Why not admit to yourself that this misguided attempt to "spice things up" was a mistake for both of you. We made great progress in our discussions yesterday, I think some of what you are telling me is correct. We agreed to take a step back from the fantasy to work on our relationship 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 41 minutes ago, OBXer44 said: I think some of what you are telling me is correct. We agreed to take a step back from the fantasy to work on our relationship Excellent. Focus on repairing communication and trust and your marriage. Take a giant step back from things that are fracturing your marriage,
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 1 hour ago, Just a Guy said: Whatever it maybe there is an understanding that once both husband and wife are on board with their fantasy that there will always be complete transparency in every little thing that transpires in the process towards achieving their goal. I am very aware of that, BUT the OP and his wife were obviously not paid up members of the "community". He may have been, but his wife obviously wasn't. Given the opportunity to break the rules, she went right ahead and despite being cautioned by the OP, disregarded all rules... He may be have been fully on board with how it was all supposed to work, but she wasn't having it and did her own thing anyway. It is not uncommon for the one person to skip the full transparency part and to cheat behind the other's back. Why wouldn't they? They are human and given the opportunity they will take it. Here, when the chips were down, she was not interested in her husband's kink, she was more interested in attracting this other guy... How it should work and how it does work, is I guess why so many of these arrangements, end up detrimental to the marriage.
Just a Guy Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 Hi Elaine, you may be right about failures of relationships in this so called lifestyle. However, they are about the same or a little less than in conventional, monogamous marriages. This kink is usually a FLR( Female lead relationship) and if the relationship bonds are weak at the start then such a delving into an open relationship where the woman is free to seek sexual partners and lead a non monogamous relationship with her husband while he remains monogamous with her, does usually lead to failure of the primary relationship. However, this is not very common as usually the wife and husband are devoted to each other and this opening of the marriage is just an additional element to help them spice up things in their own marriage. I agree that this arrangement is fraught with danger hut that element of risk only adds to heighten their pleasure and enjoyment. At least that is what they claim. Many open marriages of this sort are successful and long lasting and the protagonists claim their marriage has benefitted immensely because of their arrangement. However, there are failures and those can be just as painful as in regular monogamous marriages. These kinds of arrangements require a lot of mutual communication, trust, a long history together and tremendous maturity and sensitivity of each spouse towards the other. If this is absent in the beginning, the relationship is doomed. You must be wondering how and where I have obtained this information from! Well I have been browsing some alternate lifestyle sites for a while and read through various accounts and comments of people who participate in this lifestyle while being in a monogamous relationship myself with no interest in getting involved in this so called lifestyle myself. My interest was piqued when I first came across this forum and wondered why and how infidelity occurs in otherwise stable relationships. This kink is a spin off of one the reasons why spouse cheat on their partners. The abridged reason is that the relationship grows stale and one partner and sometimes both look for something fresh to spike their interest in sex and emotional succour. Of course there are plenty of other reasons for cheating but the reason outlined above is something the people practicing the kink quote as justification for opening their marriages among other things. Take all this with a pinch of salt as I am not an authority on any of this and the foregoing is just my observation over a period of time along with my opinion based on my observations. Warm regards.
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 22 minutes ago, Just a Guy said: ...usually the wife and husband are devoted to each other and this opening of the marriage is just an additional element to help them spice up things in their own marriage. Yes of course, but the OP has found out that his wife was not as devoted to him as he thought, unfortunately...
jdesey Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 Caught my ex fiancé sending X-rated photos and videos to her ex-husband! I would catch her, confront her and then forgive her. Unfortunately that’s endorsing the lying and she just continue to do it over and over again. She also met up with him and had sex when we had a couple of break ups here and there. When you forgive somebody’s lying and deceit they will just do it again because you have condone that behavior 1
petee Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 OP, you may well have caught this just in time. Invest heavily in her, do the rediscovery bit and do not ever play with fire. In this case you are not a fireman. 2
Just a Guy Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 Hi Elaine I guess you are right about the wife in the OP's case not being as devoted to him as he may have thought. As I said in my post, absent the bonds not being strong initially when a couple dabbles in the kink, the relationship is doomed. OP will have to go back to basics and work with his wife on strengthening their relationship before even dreaming of trying something like this. This kink requires complete trust, commitment and communication between the couple and that requires a lot of effort and an underlying bond of love. It isn't an easy cakewalk as some people seem to assume. Warm wishes.
mark clemson Posted December 13, 2021 Posted December 13, 2021 On 12/10/2021 at 11:00 PM, OBXer44 said: We set boundaries and everything was supposed to be full disclosure. She seems to have an exhibitionist/desire to be wanted kink that she may enjoy more with strangers. The man she was in contact with she barely knows and they only converse through messenger/do not see each other in public. She is extremely remorseful, says she is sorry and promises to never let it happen again. She says she got caught up in the excitement. I'm just at a point that I'm dwelling on the act and can't seem to move past it. Not sure if I can trust her to reconcile or if I'll always have this on my mind. Yeah. I think it's (understandably) hard for folks to understand, but whatever happens with other folks WITH consent/transparency is acceptable, even desirable, but what happens WITHOUT that transparency is essentially a betrayal and so is "cheating". Consider that, in terms of personality/attitudes, a person who would participate in these sorts of kinks might be more able/inclined to stray in the sense that they are open to ""doing stuff" with others outside the marriage. That may not be so much "your fault" as a sort of "feature of the landscape" in terms of who participates. (Nor is this some sort of rarity as some significant % of humanity cheats at one point or another in their life, although I suspect women who openly participate in swinging are a bit rarer.) At any rate, one possible solution (not necessarily "the best" solution) in a situation like yours would be (after you've processed the current specific instance) to insist that you be notified when she indulges her exhibitionist kink. You don''t have to be there (unless perhaps you want to out of view or something?), but ask to be informed. That way there is no "betrayal" and possibly you may "reap the benefits" of increased sexual energy/interest on her part. It should be mostly as enjoyable for her and might be a reasonable compromise in the sense that she keeps the kink and you both can stay married. Not sure if this would be for you, but something to consider. 1
Just a Guy Posted December 13, 2021 Posted December 13, 2021 Hi Mark, I think you are hitting very close to the point as far as such relationships are concerned. A number of husband's participating in the kink do not want to be present to watch their wives have sex with other men but still get the gratification they seek. However, they need to be in the loop at all times and also get details after the act. The OP has a lot to introspect on as to whether he wants to participate in this kink and as to whether he can handle the outcome. Jealousy and rage sometimes overwhelm some men who do not have what it takes and their relationship is forever damaged. Warm wishes. 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 13, 2021 Posted December 13, 2021 24 minutes ago, Just a Guy said: Hi Mark The OP is "stepping back" from this fantasy to repair his marriage. On 12/11/2021 at 7:52 AM, OBXer44 said: I feel like we are making progress and hoping that we can work through this. I'm taking advise from others and looking into therapy and also taking a step back from our fantasy to keep all distractions out as we try to mend our relationship
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2021 Posted December 13, 2021 46 minutes ago, Just a Guy said: Jealousy and rage sometimes overwhelm some men who do not have what it takes and their relationship is forever damaged The problem here is that it is uncertain whether the OP is feeling jealous and betrayed because his wife went behind his back or whether the reality of his wife schmoozing with another man was just too much for him to bear. Fantasy is fine, but it meeting reality maybe not so fine... 2
mark clemson Posted December 13, 2021 Posted December 13, 2021 Yeah, first things first - he needs to process and address the non-informed aspect here first (and I'd indicated as much along with my suggestion). And it's true that plenty of folks out there have found that kinks involving 3rd parties sounded a lot better on paper than they worked IRL. Not sure if that will be OP's case but perhaps. "Limits" is an important concept in kinks, and possibly this would work better with the limit that it stays primarily in fantasy. There are actually a LOT of kinks/fetishes like that, one major example being rape/non-consensual sex fantasies that some women have as well as some that some folks have that involve physical injury. Again not sure if sticking to fantasy will be OP's case, but perhaps. 2
HappilyMarried Posted December 23, 2021 Posted December 23, 2021 Hey @OBXer44I have read your thread and I'm glad you said you have had some good conversations about the problems and are making progress which that is great to hear. However, you never said what her reasons/explanations were for this. I do have one questions that I have not seen you touch on in any of your post and to me it is worse than the initial issue when you first seen her post without your knowledge. My question is this you discussed it you said and she promised you it was a mistake and she was sorry and she would not do it again and block the guy. What was the reason she gave you this time when you made it clear to hear you did not want this and not to do it again? What she basically did it sounds like lie to you and by your post it looks like besides lying she took it even further the 2nd time. Best of luck!
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