nc87whf Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 About a month and a half ago, I went out on 2 dates with this guy who was really great. We had a lot in common and he seemed really nice and courteous. He asked for the second date right at the end of the first and the 3rd date at the end of the 2nd, only that he was vague about the 3rd date in terms of when and where. We communicated a little via text in between, but the conversation kinda just fell off. I sent him something for his opinion to keep the conversation going but it was brief. Then I also said "let me know when you want to hang out again". He replied "this week is busy, maybe next week." At that point, I thought he was rotating between a lot of people and I assumed he wasn't very interested - just mildly enough to keep me on his radar. A week later without text from neither of us, he reached about and said how's it going? I was a little annoyed and thought at least he would ask when I'm free for the next date. That's when I texted him saying that it seems like this isn't your priority. He was not happy about that and said that I could have also texted him, and I didn't. I asked a few people for their opinions and lot of them said that I was taking it too seriously, because we only went on two dates and he didn't have to put me as his priority yet, which I totally agreed and realized that I have over-reacted. I replied to him and apologized, and he never replied back. I wasn't expecting him to reply back, either, since we didn't know each other that well and I may have just come across as someone who blew up easily. Fast forward to last night, I had dinner with a friend and she thought I should shoot my shot again at this guy since it's around the holidays and the fact that I haven't gone on any better dates than the ones with his. Her opinion was what's the biggest thing I could lose by saying Happy Holidays? Does anyone think it's still worth a shot or should I just moved on? I didn't think there's anything to say since he didn't seem to think well of me because of that incident, but my friend's words made me think again.
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 7 minutes ago, nc87whf said: About a month and a half ago, I went out on 2 dates with this guy who was really great. It's important not to waste time on meh people and chase marginally interested men. After 2 dates, there's zero investment. Things can fizzle for whatever reasons. You are both still talking to and meeting others, so it's par for the course. Instead of your friends advice about chasing uninterested men, have you red the book "He's Just Not Into You"? It may help you cut your losses and identify timewasters like this. 1
Happy Lemming Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 10 minutes ago, nc87whf said: He was not happy about that and said that I could have also texted him, and I didn't. 11 minutes ago, nc87whf said: I had dinner with a friend and she thought I should shoot my shot again at this guy since it's around the holidays and the fact that I haven't gone on any better dates than the ones with his. It was only two dates... Why would he want to go out with someone that made him angry?? You stated he was "not happy about that". Right or wrong, I'm sure he has some animosity about the situation. 2
glows Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 (edited) 32 minutes ago, nc87whf said: vague My read on this is that he was lukewarm about you to start. I don't think you have done anything wrong. Please don't backtrack or second guess your initial instincts and don't send that Happy Holidays text. It doesn't have any meaning and it's also wasted on someone who didn't make more of an effort to communicate with you. If he wasn't communicating clearly about his interest in seeing you early on about the third date, then let it be. Contacting you a week later is a little too late after the fact, imo. Your interest fizzled out by then and that's perfectly ok. Find someone else who keeps up the momentum with you. Edited December 9, 2021 by glows 3
Alvi Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 (edited) In other words, you called him out on his crap about not being that interested in you but wanting to keep you around just in case. And let's face it, nobody likes to be called on his or her crap. You not wrong, the thing between the two of you has fizzled. He is not that interested. An interested guy acts interested. If he is not, well, this is what you get. An occasional hello type of e-mail. For the future, it's it very pointless to call somebody on his or her crap. It is not going to do you any good, might even lose a few nerve cells over it. The end result is still going to be the same. The other person is not going to suddenly to become more interested or act differently around you. He doesn't want to make you his priority, because you are not. It doesn't matter whether it is only been one date or a hundred of dates. Learn to ignore or block that uninterested person and move on. I've learned through my on-line dating journey that giving someone a piece of your mind about ignoring you results in one of the following scenarios: They are going to ignore you and you'll never hear from them ever again. Because they doesn't care at all about you. so why bother. Also, perhaps, they are going to assume that you are an angry and confrontational person. And let's face it, who want's to date one of those? hat's why it is better to just move on without sending anybody anything about not contacting you. People, especially on-line people, expect you to take a hint about not being interested and to bow out graciously and without any fuss. You are going to hear from them a few month or a few years down the road. They are going to freight ignorance. They are going to insist that they've never met you in person or that they've never talked to you before. Sure, they would never ever do such a thing. Ignore a person, no, they would never do such a thing. They are not that kind of person, you must be mistaken. Right, lol. All that means, is that they run out of other dating prospects so now back to you. They are going to tell you that you are right, they are not interested. They are going to wish you well, apologize for misleading you, and that is it. It happens, but very rarely. They are going to insist that they are interested in you, indeed, they are going to insist that you are mistaken about their lack of interest. They might even love bomb you. Words, words, all words. No action whatsoever on their part. And after a very short while, they are going to either slow fade or disappear on you all over again. You are literally going to be dumbfounded and wonder why they bothered with you second time around. Why? Because they were never that interested in you in the first place but they want to be "a mister nice guy, who would never intentionally hurt another person." They are going to claim to be very busy. Like their dog is very sick or their second cousin was in an accident and needed some help. Or claim to be very busy at work. Sure, they like you very much but the thing is that they are just that busy. Arranging another date, sure, they would love that. But let's check a calendar first. Chances are you a going to get tired of their excuses yourself and are going to block them. If not, you are going to hear from them occasionally but it is not going to amount to anything substantial. They are going to become very defensive. Just like a guy in your case. They are going to place a blame on you about not contacting him first. They are going to say that you are not interested. They are going to gaslight or accuse you of something, anything. They are going to make you believe that it's you and not them. You are somehow at fault. The end result is still going to be the same. They are either not going to reply to you or disappear after few quite angry, accusing texts. They are probably just sitting at home, annoyed that you didn't take a hint in a first place. Edited December 9, 2021 by Alvi 2
smackie9 Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 (edited) He told you he was busy for the week and would try for the following. So he reached out and you crapped on him because you assumed negatively he was on a dating rotation. I wouldn't text you back after that either...it would be a turn off if someone talked to you like that no? You blew your shot, and you are out of ammo. First impressions really count so this was his impression of you. Now if you felt he should have put more effort in, then you need to find someone else, and decline any further contact politely. Edited December 9, 2021 by smackie9 1
Alvi Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 1 minute ago, smackie9 said: He told you he was busy for the week and would try for the following. So he reached out and you crapped on him because you assumed negatively he was on a dating rotation. I wouldn't text you back after that either...it would be a turn off if someone talked to you like that no? You blew your shot, and you are out of ammo. Too busy is a code for not being interested. Even if he is a physician, who works 24/7 in ER or a Santa Clause who works diligently on a North Pole reading letters and getting gifts for the kids ready, he would still get a breaktime to contact the OP. 4
smackie9 Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 hey some people are just like that. It was only two dates. It doesn't always constitute communication. They are not dating/committed. She can spend her time talking to others and see later if this guy follows through for a 3rd date. Like I said, if he isn't treating her the way she expects, then she can politely decline.
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 1 hour ago, nc87whf said: That's when I texted him saying that it seems like this isn't your priority. He was not happy about that Why would someone anyone went on 2 dates with be "a priority"? It would be best to get old arguments and baggage squared away before dating. 1
spiderowl Posted December 10, 2021 Posted December 10, 2021 Honestly, he doesn't sound very enthusiastic. Maybe he is sort of interested but not massively, or maybe he is used to women chasing him. Either way, I don't think you've lost anything. A guy who is interested will be in touch. Personally, I have very quickly lost interest in guys who do not chat-chat a bit via text in between dates. I figure they are either not interested or not very communicative. I make an effort to match their communications then if they don't bother, that's it. I truly believe that if things are meant to work out, conversation will flow and regular contact will be natural.
salparadise Posted December 10, 2021 Posted December 10, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, spiderowl said: Maybe he is sort of interested but not massively, or maybe he is used to women chasing him. Either way, I don't think you've lost anything. A guy who is interested will be in touch. Yet another example of that old traditional paradigm that posits that the man is supposed to be "massively" interested from day one. So maybe he does have options, and maybe he wasn't smitten instantly, which is probably the norm for the five-percenters that women find attractive and interesting... yet the test seems to be whether he's willing to keep trying in the face of apparent low interest on her part, and if he's not blowing up your phone then something's wrong with him. I say nix this expectation and do your part to maintain enthusiasm on the other side too. It's not all about how a man "should" be, it's one human to another. If he said he was busy take it at face value and continue interacting. This thing about focusing only on five-percenters and then expecting them to pursue-pursue-pursue against resistance is a Disney scenario. Edited December 10, 2021 by salparadise
Pumpernickel Posted December 10, 2021 Posted December 10, 2021 @salparadiseYes, but if she reaches out and says “let me know when you want to hang out”, and he replies he’s busy and maybe “next week”, IMO that indicates low to no interest on his part. Not sure why she sent him an angry message after that. I would’ve left it at that, and he would’ve probably never contacted again.
elaine567 Posted December 10, 2021 Posted December 10, 2021 19 hours ago, nc87whf said: . We communicated a little via text in between, but the conversation kinda just fell off. I sent him something for his opinion to keep the conversation going but it was brief. Then I also said "let me know when you want to hang out again". He replied "this week is busy, maybe next week." He was hard work, why would you want to try to reignite a damp squib? Luke warm people, whether they have other options or not. are a waste of your time. 2
elaine567 Posted December 10, 2021 Posted December 10, 2021 "maybe" next week, is code for likely never. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 10, 2021 Posted December 10, 2021 20 hours ago, nc87whf said: I had dinner with a friend and she thought I should shoot my shot again at this guy No, I don't agree with your friend. You've already reached out once after you got upset, and he ignored you. Don't kiss your dignity goodbye completely by messaging him yet again. 1
karlaphoto Posted December 10, 2021 Posted December 10, 2021 I would not text him again unless he texted me. And if he did reach out I probably would keep it brief and not give him that much energy.
mark clemson Posted December 10, 2021 Posted December 10, 2021 You can always try, but don't hold out much hope for success. Most of the time if things start out on the wrong foot they don't ever get back on track. Keep your expectations very low, and if you can't do that then don't bother. 1
jdesey Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 I have said this many times and I think it applies here. When it’s the right person they will make it easy 1
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