Should I kick him to the curb?

[vla1120]

I've had two disappointments this week alone. Previously, I had resigned myself to stop trying OLD and just go with the old fashion in-person meet. If it ever happened, it was meant to be. If not, I'm totally comfortable being alone. 

Scenario 1: I had an optometrist appt on Monday. The optometrist constantly complimented me, telling me I looked much younger than my 61 years, how I had the eyesight of a 40 year old and he talked about how intelligent I am (he kept asking me questions about random things.) When I was getting ready to leave, he asked me if it would be okay to call me and ask me out since he had my phone number in his records. I thought it was a little strange, but I told him to give it a try and we'll see. In my mind, I was thinking "Well....I said the only way I was going to be with another man was organically, through meeting in person. Maybe this is that time." Then, I went out to the reception area and while I was checking out, I asked the woman "How long have you worked with Dr. X and what is he like?" She said "I've worked with him for 5 years. Everyone loves him. Why?" I told he he just told me he wants to ask me out. She said "Are you sure he wasn't kidding? Was he being sarcastic?" I said "No. He did seem to be kidding, why?" She said "He's married. That's his daughter right over there." (His daughter also works in the office.) 

What the heck? I don't know. Maybe he was kidding, but he told me I was a beautiful woman, intelligent, and he wanted to get to know me. I outright called BS on the "beautiful" comment and told him so, because I came after work and had spent the day moving computers and equipment from one side of the building to the other, so I was not looking my best. So far, no call (thank goodness.) If he does call, I haven't decided what creative way I am going to shut him down quite yet. There's really no question on this scenario. I just thought it was ironic that the ONE time in the past two years I have someone make moves on me in person, he's married.

Scenario 2: I met a man online. We've been talking for about two months. We have plans to meet on Friday for the first time. During a conversation earlier this week, he told me how he "adopts" four single mom families every year for Christmas. He takes them out food shopping and toy shopping and spends $500 on each family. I told him most single moms are not going to just go shopping with some strange man who approaches them with this offer and asked him why he doesn't just give the family $500. He said he's been scammed in the past and this is a way to make sure the money goes where he intended. Fair enough.

He told me he has three families lined up, but he's looking for the fourth. He asked me if I knew of anyone (since I work at a school.) I know of a young single mom in my area with two young children. I told him about her. I told her about him, including that I would go WITH her for the shopping trip(s) so she would feel safe.  Then I gave her his number and she texted him. I asked him how it went. He said she seemed nice, but she was more interested in just having someone to pay some bills for her than to do the shopping thing. He also told me that she was a beautiful girl and he told her so. (Red flag. She's young enough to be his daughter. I talked myself into thinking it was okay for him to give her this compliment, even if I suspected it would make her (or anyone) feel uncomfortable.) 

Later, I texted her and said "I'm sorry it didn't work out with my friend. Let me know if he said anything to make you feel uncomfortable so I know not to refer any other single moms to him." She responded, telling me all was fine until he asked her to send him a picture of her and her two children. Then, he told her she was a "very sexual beautiful woman." After that, she told him she wasn't interested in shopping, but could use some help paying some bills if he wanted to do that. 

Ugh. I let him have it, asking him why he felt it was appropriate to tell a young woman (young enough to be his granddaughter) that she was sexually beautiful in the same breath he was offering her $500 worth of help for Christmas. That would turn anyone off and make them automatically assume he was doing this expecting something in return. I also asked him why he asked her for a picture to begin with. He said he just wanted to know that she had young children. He still wants to meet me on Friday, but he knows I am wavering. What he did was not HORRIBLE, but he crossed the line and was inappropriate. 

Even writing this out, I don't think I want to meet him. It's just creepy that he said this to a needy young woman to whom he was, in the same breath, offering financial assistance. Am I wrong?

I keep saying I am perfectly fine with being alone, not having to take anyone else into consideration for anything. My dog and I will be just fine. I need to stick to that!

[Wiseman2]

Both sound like dirty old men.

[chillii]

Well if your perfectly happy with your dog who's arguing , be perfectly happy with your dog why are you even bothering then.

As for these two , the doc was a surprise and at first l'm thinking you asked his sec' , you'll get her in trouble if he finds out l'm surprised she said anything. But eh , lucky you did then though l suppose.

 

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear what happened.  It seems like you met two creeps and didn't have the experience to spot that they were 'too good to be true' and that what they were saying was over the top.

With scenario 1, I guess it is possible one might meet an optometrist who dared to ask out a female client (it's not something most would think appropriate, but he did ask your permission to contact you).  However, his overly flattering comments seemed a bit too sleazy somehow.  Someone genuine would probably be a bit nervous and not overly flattering or smooth.  If he was smooth and not nervous, that in itself is a sign that he has done this kind of thing plenty of times before.

Scenario 2, what he was saying about helping out single moms seems highly suspicious to me.  If he genuinely was doing this - and not for sleazy reasons - he would not need to ask your help in finding any.  I think it's highly unlikely any guy who did help out poorer people would boast about it to others either (by mentioning it to you, he was trying to make you think he was a great, generous guy).  You did what you thought was a good thing, but him asking your friend for a picture of her AND HER KIDS is very dodgy.  This guy could have been a paedophile.  As it happens, he turned out to be sleazy.

I guess all you can do is to learn from this.  If someone is buttering you up, they want something.  A guy genuinely interested might be helpful and kind but is less likely to be constantly flattering.  Any guy online who makes claims about his good works should be treated with extreme caution.  Best not to introduce them to anyone else.

I don't think you were wrong in thinking that meeting people organically might be better.  It is harder for people to hide who they are when met in person (the girl in the shop gave away Mr Married Sleaze pretty quickly didn't she?).  Guys online, you don't know them, you don't know them in the context of family and friends or work.  They could be anybody.  They could be people just out of jail or people who are abroad.  Try to vet people better.

And yes, you need to kick him to the kerb.  He is extremely dodgy and is trying to groom you into assisting him with his sleazy behaviour.

Look after yourself and keep yourself safe from these sleaze bags.  Remain alert and you should be fine.

Edited December 9, 2021 by spiderowl

[Gaeta]

I am flabbergasted by story number 2. This man is a sexual predator in a Santa Claus costume !! His idea of finding 4 families on his own, all single moms?? and taking them shopping is shocking!! Do NOT meet this man!! If he wants to be generous around the Holidays he can give to the numerous legitimate charity organizations like his local Food Bank. He could also contact his local schools and participate to all the charitable activities they put together to feed and dress children from poor families.

Girl! you can do much better than this! You don't have to give up on finding a partner because you've ran into a few weirdos. 

 

 

 

[glows]

Ignore both. Don't waste your precious time or thoughts on this. I don't know how I wouldn't stop laughing at the second proposition though and for the first scenario, I'd be looking at a new optometrist.

The second scenario was clear he was intending on being a benefactor and his insistence on one-on-one contact with the families would have been a red flag for me. It's none of his business what these families do with the extra cash if he's donating that sum. If it's about a shopping list, he may have also asked for a list and have the items purchased without ever meeting those families. 

 

 

[vla1120]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Both sound like dirty old men.

I agree!

15 hours ago, chillii said:

the doc was a surprise and at first l'm thinking you asked his sec' , you'll get her in trouble if he finds out l'm surprised she said anything. But eh , lucky you did then though l suppose.

I am wondering how many other women he has come onto like this. I guess they've never asked his secretary. Since optometrists are not doctors, he cannot lose his license or get in trouble for asking out a patient, but I still think it's inappropriate.

13 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I guess all you can do is to learn from this.

Lessons learned! 

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I am flabbergasted by story number 2. This man is a sexual predator in a Santa Claus costume !! His idea of finding 4 families on his own, all single moms?? and taking them shopping is shocking!! Do NOT meet this man!! If he wants to be generous around the Holidays he can give to the numerous legitimate charity organizations like his local Food Bank. He could also contact his local schools and participate to all the charitable activities they put together to feed and dress children from poor families.

Girl! you can do much better than this! You don't have to give up on finding a partner because you've ran into a few weirdos. 

I agree. I asked him why he only selects single mom families. He said it's because if there is a dad/husband, he should be able to provide for his family. I told him his thinking is misogynistic. A woman is just as capable of providing for her family. I'm done with him. I did do a background check on him (I always do) and it came back clean. Maybe he just hasn't been caught, yet. 

Thanks for your responses, everyone. I'm going to write a book about my dating experiences some day. I didn't even mention the guy from a few months ago who sent me a picture of a full body latex suit (including the face being covered) and asked me if I had ever worn one before. 

Edited December 9, 2021 by vla1120

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

. I didn't even mention the guy from a few months ago who sent me a picture of a full body latex suit (including the face being covered) and asked me if I had ever worn one before. 

haha, even I cannot beat a story like that! 

 

[vla1120]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

Ignore both. Don't waste your precious time or thoughts on this. I don't know how I wouldn't stop laughing at the second proposition though and for the first scenario, I'd be looking at a new optometrist.

The second scenario was clear he was intending on being a benefactor and his insistence on one-on-one contact with the families would have been a red flag for me. It's none of his business what these families do with the extra cash if he's donating that sum. If it's about a shopping list, he may have also asked for a list and have the items purchased without ever meeting those families. 

Agreed. I told him it really appears that this is a ruse and a way for him to meet single young women. He was offended that I would think that, but that's why there was no way I was going to let that young woman go alone. I thought it was a nice gesture, but I was going to go with her so she felt safe. He apparently spent his entire career on oil tankers out at sea. I am starting to think that's why he is clueless. While he claims his intentions are honorable, the way he goes about it is completely inappropriate. Also, and even more concerning, he really does not understand why what he said to her is inappropriate. He thought it was a nice compliment. Ugh. 

Edited December 9, 2021 by vla1120

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Scenario 1: I had an optometrist appt on Monday. When I was getting ready to leave, he asked me if it would be okay to call me and ask me out since he had my phone number in his records.

Scenario 2: I met a man online. We've been talking for about two months.

In 1. Start searching for a new optometrist. In fact get checked by an ophthalmologist they can refract and write eyewear prescriptions you can bring to any eyewear place.

 In 2. Talking this long is a red flag. Meet sooner rather than later. Don't mix business with dating. Do not give out names of single mothers to strangers (predators).

[glows]

5 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Agreed. I told him it really appears that this is a ruse and a way for him to meet single young women. He was offended that I would think that, but that's why there was no way I was going to let that young woman go alone. I thought it was a nice gesture, but I was going to go with her so she felt safe. He apparently spent his entire career on oil tankers out at sea. I am starting to think that's why he is clueless. While he claims his intentions are honorable, the way he goes about it is completely inappropriate. Also, and even more concerning, he really does not understand why what he said to her is inappropriate. He thought it was a nice compliment. Ugh. 

It was very good for you to accompany the young woman. I think I would have been so furious I wouldn't have been able to anything else but laugh right at him regarding such a proposition. The request specifically for single mums is so cringy my nerves are jumping out of my skin. Why not any other demographic? Why is it only that single mums receive $500 of gifts? There are children wanting for toys without even one parent or mum. 

After his comments to the young lady and knowing his gifting scheme, I would try so hard to get away from someone like this. I agree with anyone else who mentioned not to meet with him. 

I think the comments from the optometrist were gross but take it to a more superficial level and tell yourself that you still got it. I wouldn't see that dr again either. 

[Versacehottie]

um no...just no...kick him to the curb. This is creepy. Mostly talking about Santa but same with the optometrist (just find a new one!). Good luck!

[mark clemson]

Rough out there - you have my sympathies.

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't quit based on these two crazy stories. Just go with these are two crazy stories. 

You handled yourself quite well in both situations. You asked the optometrist's staffer about her boss, got the key info that he was married and you moved on. You also  handled the other guy well by offering to accompany the woman you recommended to him for his charity work. 

Your ability to handle these situations really matters because you stopped before you got deeply invested. Sure, you got your hopes up enough to feel disappointed. But overall, you have the skill to protect yourself and proceed with caution as you date. You're not gullible and you're not passive and you have some great assertiveness skills and good judgment.

So keep going. Most people we meet will not be great dating partners. If they are, we are setting the bar too low or going too generic and not assessing whether we and the other person are a good fit for each other. You've got great dating skills along with contentment (at least somewhat) with being a single person. It would be a terrible waste for you to pull back. 

I hear your frustration though. An older friend of mine (in her 70s) ran into some horrible dating experiences.  But just as she was about to quit online dating, she met a man she really clicked with. And she's happily together with this man. Literally she almost didn't go out with this guy who proved to be a good partner because she was tired of running into guys who had all kinds of problems. 

Oh and yes you should kick Mr. Charity to the curb. An older guy who doesn't know that you don't comment on women's appearances in any kind of professional context or charitable context is a scammer or a predator or an idiot--or perhaps all three. 

 

 

Edited December 9, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[vla1120]

28 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You handled yourself quite well in both situations. You asked the optometrist's staffer about her boss, got the key info that he was married and you moved on. You also  handled the other guy well by offering to accompany the woman you recommended to him for his charity work. 

Thank you! I told Scenario 2 I am not meeting him on Friday. He was disappointed, apologized for what he said, and asked me if there is anyway I will change my mind. I told him "No. Take this as a lesson learned. You cannot comment on any woman's physical appearance and not come across as creepy and predatory. Do better."

[smackie9]

I'm really glad you openly talked about dr.X to the office staff. I hope his daughter will have a talk with him about his inappropriate conduct as a professional. IMO I would find another Optometrist.

Other guy I would exit stage left.

Both are very puntable to the curb.

 

[Crazelnut]

Why on earth would you put a stranger in touch with your acquaintance? You knew basically nothing about that man!  And now this creep has her contact info and knows what her kids look like.