Boyfriend always working

[dramafreezone]

11 hours ago, contel3 said:

Soo...I really really miss my boyfriend right now. He works as a doctor and has been working every day for over 14 hours, including weekends. We still see each other but he's always tired and has been losing a lot of weight lately. I'm worried for him. 

 

Anyone on here experienced something similar?

That's the life of a doctor, especially in residency. 

I've worked with hundreds of doctors.  It should get better as the years go on but early on doctors have to pay their dues.  You probably have to decide if this life is for you for the next few years.  I don't see him all of a sudden working a 9-5 schedule and having weekends off.

Edited December 9, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Ami1uwant]

8 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Is there no employment regulation laws where you live? That is 98 hours a week. 
 

A person cannot successfully sustain those working conditions for any significant length of time. 

if he is in residency 100 hrs is not unheard off.  This is true in similar careers like pre partner lawyers and pre tenure professors. There is an expectation of you working 12-13 hr days 6 days a week.

 

a common residency thing in USA is doing a continuous 24-48 hr shift  ( yes they can take naps)

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, contel3 said:

That's a good idea! We are both open to having separate bedrooms. I'm not sure how to handle the noise issue though. You can hear the alarm clock through the wall. 

You can use a cell phone and change the alarm.

 

you can get sleeping aides that drown out sounds like this.

[chillii]

14 hours ago, contel3 said:

Soo...I really really miss my boyfriend right now. He works as a doctor and has been working every day for over 14 hours, including weekends. We still see each other but he's always tired and has been losing a lot of weight lately. I'm worried for him. 

 

Anyone on here experienced something similar?

This is why l'm always dumbfounded at women thinking doctors are such a good catch , even men seem to think it.

They work longer hrs than any other profession , what sort of life is that for a partner, and when they are home they'd be exhausted.

Edited December 9, 2021 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

You need your own life. That means a side hustle, volunteering, joining clubs and groups, getting involved in sports and fitness, reconnecting and spending more time with friends and family.

My advice about the situation is the same. You're trying to make a very busy man the center of your universe. That never works.

 

[Cersei]

Do you work? I think its important for everyone to have a job no matter what it is. It gives us a feeling of importance and purpose.

[ASG]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need your own life. That means a side hustle, volunteering, joining clubs and groups, getting involved in sports and fitness, reconnecting and spending more time with friends and family.

My advice about the situation is the same. You're trying to make a very busy man the center of your universe. That never works.

 

If you'd read her posts, you'd see she is using her free time to get fit and see her friends. 

She just misses her BF, which is fair enough. 

[ASG]

21 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

 

Many do work more though but it's really not safe for anyone including the resident!  Emergency room doctors are NOT required to work that many hours, not even close.  Most physicians I know work a FOUR day week, 7-8 hours a day.  One of the luxuries of being a physician, having your own office, etc.

If he is not a resident and thus can make his own hours, then I agree with Sun Seeker, talk to him.  It's way too much, a person cannot sustain this and it WILL be the demise of your RL eventually.

EDIT:  Also, working 14 hours days on Saturdays and Sundays after he worked Mon-Fri?  Something sounds terribly off about that.

I really do not know ANY doctors who work a 4 day week. Particularly at a hospital! And most definitely not during a pandemic! 

In fact, all the news where I am are of doctors threatening to quit over massive overtime requirements, due to a shortage of staff (burnout, out with covid, etc). Public hospital staff had their annual leave cancelled, and most had to work on their days off as well. This was particularly true of ICU and ED staff, but others as well, particularly as they were trying to catch up on non covid patients/consults/treatments. 

And the OPs BF IS indeed a resident, so longer working hours tend to be the norm. 

[Els]

21 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

If he is not a resident and thus can make his own hours, then I agree with Sun Seeker, talk to him.  It's way too much, a person cannot sustain this and it WILL be the demise of your RL eventually.

EDIT:  Also, working 14 hours days on Saturdays and Sundays after he worked Mon-Fri?  Something sounds terribly off about that.

She specifically said he was in residency. Working Sat and Sun is unavoidable for the vast majority of junior/resident doctors, but it shouldn't be every single weekend. Usual arrangements here are 12 days on, 2 days off.

23 hours ago, contel3 said:

One thing I forgot to mention is we live together. So I need to cook anyway because I need to eat too lol. Also it makes me a bit sad to see him lose so much weight.

Taking care of myself is actually good advice. I use all that free time now mostly to get in shape and see my friends.

Something I haven't figured out yet is the sleeping situation. I can't function normally sleeping the same hours as he does. Unfortunately I always wake up when he leaves and can't go back to sleep. How did you and your husband do it?

If you mean him waking up early, we found a solution that works amazingly well for us - a smart watch. So instead of both of you hearing the alarm, his watch will vibrate and hopefully wake just him. Then he needs to quietly slip out of bed and leave the room. H keeps his clothes etc in our spare bedroom so there's minimal disruption.

If he's on call (where they call him throughout the night at random times)... yeah, there's no solution other than a separate bedroom for on-call nights I'm afraid. Many of our mutual friends (his colleagues and their partners) do have an "on call" bedroom in their house, which is essentially a spare bedroom used for that purpose.

[Els]

11 hours ago, chillii said:

This is why l'm always dumbfounded at women thinking doctors are such a good catch , even men seem to think it.

They work longer hrs than any other profession , what sort of life is that for a partner, and when they are home they'd be exhausted.

Well, firstly it's usually not permanent. It gets better after residency. Admittedly the US is probably worse than the majority of other countries, including ours.

Secondly, it depends on the person and how much effort they're willing to put into their relationship during their free time. H and I actually spend more time together and go out on more dates than many other couples I know in various professions. Also, honestly, having a few young kids would probably remove more "couple time" from your schedule than a 70 hr work week.

[Els]

18 minutes ago, ASG said:

I really do not know ANY doctors who work a 4 day week. Particularly at a hospital! And most definitely not during a pandemic!

Given that she talked about them "having their own office", she probably means consultants or GPs. Imagine a resident doctor having an office of their own, LOL! When I visited H at his ward office once, he was sharing a DESK!

Edited December 9, 2021 by Elswyth

[glows]

The living quarters might be too small. It's ok to miss your partner but he's busy. Aside from living together, does this relationship progress to anything else? Are you interested in marrying this guy, OP? Is the living together a trial run for more commitment? 

I ask to get some idea of what you mean by missing him and if some of that can be resolved by figuring out whether you're both on the same page in regards to your future.

[ASG]

13 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Given that she talked about them "having their own office", she probably means consultants or GPs. Imagine a resident doctor having an office of their own, LOL! When I visited H at his ward office once, he was sharing a DESK!

I mean... I *do* know doctors who work a 4 day week... But they only work privately, and are elderly (but refuse to retire - hence the working exclusively privately, since the national health service retires people at 65, which is the country's age of retirement!)

But even when they were Consultants, before being retired, they worked at least 5 days a week. They probably didn't do night shifts or weekends, but a 4 day work week, would come with a 20% reduction in their wage!

[Els]

Just now, ASG said:

I mean... I *do* know doctors who work a 4 day week... But they only work privately, and are elderly (but refuse to retire - hence the working exclusively privately, since the national health service retires people at 65, which is the country's age of retirement!)

But even when they were Consultants, before being retired, they worked at least 5 days a week. They probably didn't do night shifts or weekends, but a 4 day work week, would come with a 20% reduction in their wage!

I know a lot of consultants who work 3 or 4 day weeks in the public hospital... but that's because they're doing the remainder in their private practice, haha.

I agree that it's rare to straight up do only 4 - the only ones I know who do that are usually women with young children who want to focus more on family. It's not that they "can't", the pay from part time is still enough to live, but I guess after working so hard to get there, it might be difficult to just switch to working half the number of hours you previously did for years?

[Ami1uwant]

54 minutes ago, ASG said:

I really do not know ANY doctors who work a 4 day week. Particularly at a hospital! And most definitely not during a pandemic! 

In fact, all the news where I am are of doctors threatening to quit over massive overtime requirements, due to a shortage of staff (burnout, out with covid, etc). Public hospital staff had their annual leave cancelled, and most had to work on their days off as well. This was particularly true of ICU and ED staff, but others as well, particularly as they were trying to catch up on non covid patients/consults/treatments. 

And the OPs BF IS indeed a resident, so longer working hours tend to be the norm. 

I work in administration of a large hospital system.  Covid has caused big burn out among nurses and providers.

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

She specifically said he was in residency.

Well to be fair she did not say "specifically" he was a Resident, but she did say he has 3 more years so it's probably safe to assume he is Resident.  

Anyway, I do realize Residents' hours are brutal but like I said a NYC woman died under the care of an extremely fatigued Resident due to excruciating long hours and the law/requirement was implemented (in the U.S.) to no more than 80 hours per week, which is still A LOT no question.

The OP said 14 hour days,  7 days a week in her original post which is 98 hours.  Something sounds very off about that, just my opinion.  I don't know  of any hospital that would require their Residents to work that many hours.  Again, it's extremely dangerous for both patient and Resident and if patient was harmed, the hospital could be sued.  Hardly a risk they would be willing to take.

My current primary care physician works a 4 day week, and so did my doctor before her.  My eye doctor also works a 4 day week.   They also seem to be on vacation a lot!  But that is neither here nor there, OP's boyfriend is assumed to be a Resident, he suffering from lack of sleep and loss of weight, that is very dangerous and should be addressed.

I hate to say this but I am wondering if the man leads a double life!  14 hour days on most weekends, in addition to 14 hours Mon-Friday?  And now talk of separate bedrooms?    Again something sounds off, just my take.

Op talk to him and good luck. 

Edited December 9, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[ASG]

Those are some jumps @Girl Fade Away!!!!

The OP has since clarified, if you had read the whole thing, that he doesn't work every weekend, and that his longer hours started as he moved hospitals and that he is not happy there. 

I would also wager that the OPs bf does NOT work 14h a day every single day. But I'd also bet none of his days are shorter than 12h. I do agree that it is not healthy and should definitely be addressed, but I'm not 100% sure on how to do that, specially as a resident.

We also don't know which country the OP is in and what the rules/laws are where she is. 

And the talk about separate bedrooms came from the OP, as SHE is the one who has trouble sleeping! And it was corroborated as something that is fairly normal for people who have partners who are residents or are on call! 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, contel3 said:

He hasn't always worked this much. And he doesn't work each and every weekend. He recently changed hospitals because contracts are limited to only a few years and since then he's been working crazy long hours. 

Ok, so these are his current hours. That's ok. He can continue looking if he needs a change

[Girl Fade Away]

13 minutes ago, ASG said:

We also don't know which country the OP is in and what the rules/laws are where she is. 

That is very true, which is why I specified the 80 week in the U.S.  It is possible in her country that requirement does not apply.  I was being tongue-n-cheek about living a double life, I noticed a poster gave me a "mad" emoji, so thought I would clarify.  I do not really think he is living a double life.

I also acknowledge the OP changed her original post to say he does not work every single weekend.  I was mostly going by her original post but fair enough.

Anyway, to clarify my concern about his long hours is both for him and his patients and how dangerous it is.  Again, a woman died under a Resident's care who worked such long hours.

So for that reason, I think she should talk to him.    See if somehow his hours could be reduced or something.  Again without knowing what country she is in and the laws/requirements, it's a tough call.

Edited December 9, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Els]

24 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Well to be fair she did not say "specifically" he was a Resident, but she did say he has 3 more years so it's probably safe to assume he is Resident.  

Anyway, I do realize Residents' hours are brutal but like I said a NYC woman died under the care of an extremely fatigued Resident due to excruciating long hours and the law/requirement was implemented (in the U.S.) to no more than 80 hours per week, which is still A LOT no question.

The OP said 14 hour days,  7 days a week in her original post which is 98 hours.  Something sounds very off about that, just my opinion.  I don't know  of any hospital that would require their Residents to work that many hours.  Again, it's extremely dangerous for both patient and Resident and if patient was harmed, the hospital could be sued.  Hardly a risk they would be willing to take.

My current primary care physician works a 4 day week, and so did my doctor before her.  My eye doctor also works a 4 day week.   They also seem to be on vacation a lot!  But that is neither here nor there, OP's boyfriend is assumed to be a Resident, he suffering from lack of sleep and loss of weight, that is very dangerous and should be addressed.

I hate to say this but I am wondering if the man leads a double life!  14 hour days on most weekends, in addition to 14 hours Mon-Friday?  And now talk of separate bedrooms?    Again something sounds off, just my take.

Op talk to him and good luck. 

So.... what do you expect the OP's bf to do? Threaten to quit his job unless they give him a personal office and a 32-hr work week? Yeah... that'll go down well for completing his residency, no doubt. He will almost certainly end up without a job, without a residency, and with a bunch of med school debt to pay.

There is undoubtedly a problem with how residents and junior doctors are treated. Nobody is disputing that, not even the residents themselves. Unfortunately they can't do anything about it.

[Girl Fade Away]

6 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

So.... what do you expect the OP's bf to do? Threaten to quit his job unless they give him a personal office and a 32-hr work week?

Haha no course not.   I neither implied nor suggested that.  In truth, I don't expect her to do anything, what I suggested she do which is just my opinion is what I posted in my previous post.

7 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Anyway, to clarify my concern about his long hours is both for him and his patients and how dangerous it is.  Again, a woman died under a Resident's care who worked such long hours.

So for that reason, I think she should talk to him.    See if somehow his hours could be reduced or something.  Again without knowing what country she is in and the laws/requirements, it's a tough call.

 

Edited December 9, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[contel3]

6 hours ago, Cersei said:

Do you work? I think its important for everyone to have a job no matter what it is. It gives us a feeling of importance and purpose.

Yes I work. I don't want to disclose my profession in case someone might know me on here, but I work about 50 hours every week and I to be frank, I think thats enough. I also work out, see friends and cook every day. So it's really not like I'm bored or sitting around doing nothing. 

[contel3]

4 hours ago, Elswyth said:

If you mean him waking up early, we found a solution that works amazingly well for us - a smart watch. So instead of both of you hearing the alarm, his watch will vibrate and hopefully wake just him. Then he needs to quietly slip out of bed and leave the room. H keeps his clothes etc in our spare bedroom so there's minimal disruption.

If he's on call (where they call him throughout the night at random times)... yeah, there's no solution other than a separate bedroom for on-call nights I'm afraid. Many of our mutual friends (his colleagues and their partners) do have an "on call" bedroom in their house, which is essentially a spare bedroom used for that purpose.

That is absolutely great advice! Thank you!! I will look for one right now. Somehow I hadn't thought about that. I can't sleep with earplugs so thats a very good solution. I'll try to find one that has a strong enough vibration, he's a very deep sleeper  

[Els]

Just now, contel3 said:

That is absolutely great advice! Thank you!! I will look for one right now. Somehow I hadn't thought about that. I can't sleep with earplugs so thats a very good solution. I'll try to find one that has a strong enough vibration, he's a very deep sleeper  

Haha yeah, that's a really important factor! Read some reviews on the watches you're considering, they will usually mention the vibration strength. H sleeps like a log too, so as a failsafe he does set a phone alarm for a time when he's supposed to have left the house. So on most days it just rings when he's on the way to work, but on the rare occasion that he misses the watch alarm, he'll still get up in time to not be TOO late. :D

[contel3]

1 minute ago, Elswyth said:

Haha yeah, that's a really important factor! Read some reviews on the watches you're considering, they will usually mention the vibration strength. H sleeps like a log too, so as a failsafe he does set a phone alarm for a time when he's supposed to have left the house. So on most days it just rings when he's on the way to work, but on the rare occasion that he misses the watch alarm, he'll still get up in time to not be TOO late.

HAHA  which one did you get? (or is that not allowed on here?)