Boyfriend always working

[contel3]

Soo...I really really miss my boyfriend right now. He works as a doctor and has been working every day for over 14 hours, including weekends. We still see each other but he's always tired and has been losing a lot of weight lately. I'm worried for him. 

 

Anyone on here experienced something similar?

[Foxhall]

Nature of the beast I suppose,

Hed want to take care of himself too though,  encourage him to take a step back maybe,

take more time to rest and time for you,

not unreasonable to voice your concerns.

[Ami1uwant]

This is what’s required in his career.  Especially now with Covid.

[glows]

1 hour ago, contel3 said:

Soo...I really really miss my boyfriend right now. He works as a doctor and has been working every day for over 14 hours, including weekends. We still see each other but he's always tired and has been losing a lot of weight lately. I'm worried for him. 

 

Anyone on here experienced something similar?

Is this about you and the way you feel missing him or is it you being concerned about his health? I wouldn't confuse the two as one is selfish (about you) and the other is a concern for the other person that he's losing weight in an unhealthy way or neglecting his nutritional intake. 

Make him a nice meal and invite him over after work if you want to do something useful. 

Maybe it's a good time to reflect if dating a doctor isn't something you'd rather do in the long term. You owe that honesty to the both of you if this isn't working out.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, contel3 said:

We still see each other but he's always tired and has been losing a lot of weight lately. I'm worried for him. 

Are you cooking him good nourishing meals when you see him and making him get lots of rest?

[contel3]

33 minutes ago, glows said:

Is this about you and the way you feel missing him or is it you being concerned about his health? I wouldn't confuse the two as one is selfish (about you) and the other is a concern for the other person that he's losing weight in an unhealthy way or neglecting his nutritional intake. 

Make him a nice meal and invite him over after work if you want to do something useful. 

Maybe it's a good time to reflect if dating a doctor isn't something you'd rather do in the long term. You owe that honesty to the both of you if this isn't working out.

Guess it's both. I'm concerned about him but I also miss him. I try to cook him meals whenever I can. And I clean and do groceries...

I don't see myself breaking up with him. I'm happy with him and I love him. He has shitty work conditions, but I dont see that as a deal breaker.

[Els]

Yes, I'm married to a doctor and we've been together for 13 years. It generally gets better as they attain seniority. I'm not sure which country you're in, though - that would affect how long it takes. How far into residency (or whatever the equivalent is in your country) is he? How long have you two been together?

The best advice that I can give you on how to cope with this, is actually the opposite of what people are suggesting. It's all very well to do things like cooking and cleaning and groceries to take care of him, but that's not going to help you survive the long run. Because it's OK to have a one-sided relationship for 2 months, but it's not feasible to have one for 5 years - which can be the duration of his residency. You will eventually get resentful and wonder why you are doing all this for a person you barely see.

What you really need to do, IMO, is to take better care of YOU. Do things that keep you entertained, that make you happy. Hobbies, friends, etc. You are going to be seeing less of him, but if your life and other relationships are full, that keeps you from spending a lot of that time missing him.

Hope this helps!

Edited December 8, 2021 by Elswyth

[contel3]

2 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Yes, I'm married to a doctor and we've been together for 13 years. It generally gets better as they attain seniority. I'm not sure which country you're in, though - that would affect how long it takes.

How far into residency (or whatever the equivalent is in your country) is he? How long have you two been together?

That's what he told me too. Apparently it gets better, depending on your specialty...but he still has at least 3 more years. We have been together for about 2 years. 

[Els]

I just thought of some actual advice and edited my initial post (I think you were posting at the same time, haha).

3 years is not too bad. My husband was in residency (our country uses a different term, but similar concept) for a lot longer than that.

[contel3]

17 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Yes, I'm married to a doctor and we've been together for 13 years. It generally gets better as they attain seniority. I'm not sure which country you're in, though - that would affect how long it takes. How far into residency (or whatever the equivalent is in your country) is he? How long have you two been together?

The best advice that I can give you on how to cope with this, is actually the opposite of what people are suggesting. It's all very well to do things like cooking and cleaning and groceries to take care of him, but that's not going to help you survive the long run. Because it's OK to have a one-sided relationship for 2 months, but it's not feasible to have one for 5 years - which can be the duration of his residency. You will eventually get resentful and wonder why you are doing all this for a person you barely see.

What you really need to do, IMO, is to take better care of YOU. Do things that keep you entertained, that make you happy. Hobbies, friends, etc. You are going to be seeing less of him, but if your life and other relationships are full, that keeps you from spending a lot of that time missing him.

Hope this helps!

One thing I forgot to mention is we live together. So I need to cook anyway because I need to eat too lol. Also it makes me a bit sad to see him lose so much weight.

Taking care of myself is actually good advice. I use all that free time now mostly to get in shape and see my friends.

Something I haven't figured out yet is the sleeping situation. I can't function normally sleeping the same hours as he does. Unfortunately I always wake up when he leaves and can't go back to sleep. How did you and your husband do it?

[JRabbit]

A family friend who is 72 just left her husband of over 30 years because of this...he is an emerge DR and also does family work.  She spent her entire life feeling alone while he worked, she finally had enough.

[Ami1uwant]

16 minutes ago, contel3 said:

One thing I forgot to mention is we live together. So I need to cook anyway because I need to eat too lol. Also it makes me a bit sad to see him lose so much weight.

Taking care of myself is actually good advice. I use all that free time now mostly to get in shape and see my friends.

Something I haven't figured out yet is the sleeping situation. I can't function normally sleeping the same hours as he does. Unfortunately I always wake up when he leaves and can't go back to sleep. How did you and your husband do it?

What is your normal sleep time?

[contel3]

44 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

What is your normal sleep time?

Mine is 11-7.30 and his is 11-5.30 unless he works shift

[Calmandfocused]

Is there no employment regulation laws where you live? That is 98 hours a week. 
 

A person cannot successfully sustain those working conditions for any significant length of time. 

[introverted1]

Residency is brutal.  In the US, resident doctors are ostensibly capped at 60 hours a week, but in reality, most work closer to 80 hours. It's not uncommon for residents to lose or gain weight, experience sleep disturbances (especially if/hen they work overnight shifts), and even depression. Patience and understanding are needed on your part, as well as understanding that your bf will need some alone time to recharge.

[Sun Seeker]

So what did he says when you brought this up with him?

He sounds like a workaholic... 14hrs a day, every day? Crazy, way too much. Doesn't matter what your job is, everyone should be working to live, not living to work. 

I would be talking to him about how you feel, and asking him to spend less time at work and more time with you. If his work is more important than his partner, then that's a good enough reason as any to break up and find someone who prioritises you, not his work.

[Girl Fade Away]

33 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Residency is brutal.  In the US, resident doctors are ostensibly capped at 60 hours a week, but in reality, most work closer to 80 hours. It's not uncommon for residents to lose or gain weight, experience sleep disturbances (especially if/hen they work overnight shifts), and even depression. Patience and understanding are needed on your part, as well as understanding that your bf will need some alone time to recharge.

I agree.  14 hour days, 7 days per week = 98 hours per week!   Assuming he is a resident which is just a guess, that is crazy and dangerous for both the resident and patient.  A woman in NYC died while under the care of a resident before certain laws pertaining to the amount of hours residents can work per week was implemented.    

Last I checked, in the U.S. by law residents could not work more than 80 hours per week but perhaps that increased from 60 hours as @introverted1posted above.  In Canada, it was no more than 70 hours per week.

Many do work more though but it's really not safe for anyone including the resident!  Emergency room doctors are NOT required to work that many hours, not even close.  Most physicians I know work a FOUR day week, 7-8 hours a day.  One of the luxuries of being a physician, having your own office, etc.

If he is not a resident and thus can make his own hours, then I agree with Sun Seeker, talk to him.  It's way too much, a person cannot sustain this and it WILL be the demise of your RL eventually.

EDIT:  Also, working 14 hours days on Saturdays and Sundays after he worked Mon-Fri?  Something sounds terribly off about that.

Edited December 8, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, contel3 said:

has been working every day for over 14 hours, including weekends.

You claimed he wants to see his family on weekends but that upsets you. Perhaps he is doing that? Stop acting like his nurse. 

[Girl Fade Away]

4 hours ago, contel3 said:

We still see each other but he's always tired and has been losing a lot of weight lately. I'm worried for him. 

Another thought, but could he be on drugs?  Easily obtained I suppose since he IS a doctor.   It might also explain how he can sustain working such dangerously long hours and the loss of weight.

I think a good heart-to-heart is needed OP.

[contel3]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You claimed he wants to see his family on weekends but that upsets you. Perhaps he is doing that? Stop acting like his nurse. 

Lol. That was before he changed stations.

[contel3]

OK maybe I need to elaborate a bit. The family issue isn't an issue anymore because he basically doesn't see them anymore. 

He hasn't always worked this much. And he doesn't work each and every weekend. He did this week, but he does get some days off. He recently changed hospitals because contracts are limited to only a few years and since then he's been working crazy long hours. 

I don't think he enjoys it. He regularly tells me it makes him really unhappy. And yes it's probably dangerous for the patients as well as for him.

[glows]

I'd be supportive and change the sleeping arrangement if it's not working for you. Sleep in separate bedrooms if his schedule is all over the place or interferes with yours. There are ways to go about making some adjustments but it depends on how openminded you both are or willing to acknowledge/respect what you both need such as adequate sleep. 

[contel3]

35 minutes ago, glows said:

I'd be supportive and change the sleeping arrangement if it's not working for you. Sleep in separate bedrooms if his schedule is all over the place or interferes with yours. There are ways to go about making some adjustments but it depends on how openminded you both are or willing to acknowledge/respect what you both need such as adequate sleep. 

That's a good idea! We are both open to having separate bedrooms. I'm not sure how to handle the noise issue though. You can hear the alarm clock through the wall. 

[smackie9]

You will have to discuss this with him and come up with a solution that benefits the both of you. I would suggest he gets some counseling. Many health professionals sacrifice their own mental health. So this could be just one piece of the solution too.

Edited December 8, 2021 by smackie9

[glows]

5 minutes ago, contel3 said:

That's a good idea! We are both open to having separate bedrooms. I'm not sure how to handle the noise issue though. You can hear the alarm clock through the wall. 

Ear plugs? And he can adjust the sound (ring tone and volume of his alarm) if it's on his phone. 

Personally I wouldn't agree to move in and live with someone without having a very clear cut plan for adequate sleep. If your rooms aren't far enough from each other where sound is still an issue it's not worth it cohabitating, imo. Just a side note.