belle_athletic Posted December 7, 2021 Posted December 7, 2021 Recently I bumped into an ex from about 4 years ago, we were deeply in love but broke up, in short he had a heart attack and the stress of it killed our romance... We hooked up again because I still have some feelings for him, but I'm so scared that he'll have another heart attack and I don't know if I can take the stress! Last time, he had a heart attack during sex, and now I'm just so afraid that he'll get another heart attack and die! Everytime we have sex I just get traumatic memories of that horrible event...he has a big scar down his chest from his surgery, so everytime I see it I'm reminded of that time...and I'm sure that when your boyfriend is close you've felt his heart beating...but everytime I feel his heartbeat I just start imagining that it will start beating out of control like last time! Should I stay with him or not? He's only in his 30s and I still care a lot about him... 1
stillafool Posted December 7, 2021 Posted December 7, 2021 32 minutes ago, belle_athletic said: Everytime we have sex I just get traumatic memories of that horrible event. Then for God's sake stop having sex with him. 3 1
ItsTheDay Posted December 7, 2021 Posted December 7, 2021 1 hour ago, belle_athletic said: Recently I bumped into an ex from about 4 years ago, we were deeply in love but broke up, in short he had a heart attack and the stress of it killed our romance... We hooked up again because I still have some feelings for him, but I'm so scared that he'll have another heart attack and I don't know if I can take the stress! Last time, he had a heart attack during sex, and now I'm just so afraid that he'll get another heart attack and die! Everytime we have sex I just get traumatic memories of that horrible event...he has a big scar down his chest from his surgery, so everytime I see it I'm reminded of that time...and I'm sure that when your boyfriend is close you've felt his heart beating...but everytime I feel his heartbeat I just start imagining that it will start beating out of control like last time! Should I stay with him or not? He's only in his 30s and I still care a lot about him... Ok, so you left him because he had a heart attack? You care a lot about him? Do I need to say more? 3 3
kendahke Posted December 7, 2021 Posted December 7, 2021 (edited) You should break up. Emotionally and mentally, you're not ready to be in a relationship with him and it's not fair to him for you to try to be with him when you're of this mindset. You don't have the emotional bandwith to honor what it takes to be with someone long term; and if marriage is something that is in your path down the road, sickness is one of those things you're vowing to stick by him through. You aren't there and that's not fair to him (or any man you get with, honestly.) Edited December 7, 2021 by kendahke 6
chillii Posted December 7, 2021 Posted December 7, 2021 6 minutes ago, kendahke said: You should break up. Emotionally and mentally, you're not ready to be in a relationship with him and it's not fair to him for you to try to be with him when you're of this mindset. You don't have the emotional bandwith to honor what it takes to be with someone long term; and if marriage is something that is in your path down the road, sickness is one of those things you're vowing to stick by him through. You aren't there and that's not fair to him (or any man you get with, honestly.) Exactly what l was thinking. 2
astutise Posted December 7, 2021 Posted December 7, 2021 7 hours ago, belle_athletic said: Recently I bumped into an ex from about 4 years ago, we were deeply in love but broke up, in short he had a heart attack and the stress of it killed our romance... We hooked up again because I still have some feelings for him, but I'm so scared that he'll have another heart attack and I don't know if I can take the stress! Last time, he had a heart attack during sex, and now I'm just so afraid that he'll get another heart attack and die! Everytime we have sex I just get traumatic memories of that horrible event...he has a big scar down his chest from his surgery, so everytime I see it I'm reminded of that time...and I'm sure that when your boyfriend is close you've felt his heart beating...but everytime I feel his heartbeat I just start imagining that it will start beating out of control like last time! Should I stay with him or not? He's only in his 30s and I still care a lot about him... It sounds like you have unprocessed feelings related to this event, you are actually traumatised by it. I would think its a good idea to seek therapy for this and for the time period after it which killed off your romance originally. You should also consider talking to him about it. Tell him your thoughts of when you see the scar, your fears of history repeating itself, and your concerns about whether you could ride that wave again, and do it more successfully. it sounds like you're emotionally fragile and your coping mechanisms and emotional bandwidth could do with developing and strengthening. In short, be open, honest, and communicate your thoughts, feelings and fears. You can both approach them together, if you're a healthy partnership, and work through them so they don't affect you in the same way. A therapist can provide extra support in this. I would say a good relationship shouldnt be thrown away because adverse life events occurred. I understand its difficult, but that's why they're called adverse life events. Relationships are supposed to be entered into with the underlying trust you will work together and support each other when life goes badly - healthy ones, at least. You can't just use running away as a strategy whenever something happens that overwhelms you. Well, you can but you will never know how to really love and receive love nor will you be emotionally healthy and mature. Use this as a learning opportunity to delve into why you are unable to approach difficult circumstances and emotions. Explore the reasons behind this and seek answers as to how you can overcome them. If you are unwilling to grow from this, then end it with him.
glows Posted December 7, 2021 Posted December 7, 2021 (edited) He can't go in and adjust the controls of his heart beating. I think this is something you either accept or don't accept and don't put him through the wringer having long drawn out conversations about how uncomfortable you feel or traumatized you are. If anything after something like that happening, I'd want to be around someone who is unshakable and stronger than I am about whatever is wrong with my heart or health issue. Be there for him and accept the health issue if you want to be together. Otherwise, let him go. It's perfectly ok to move on from this if the relationship isn't for you or if you feel that you don't want to live in the shadow of any serious health concerns. If he cares about you I doubt he'd hold it against you either. Just don't play with someone's mind and keep coming and going out of their life, not making your mind up. Edited December 7, 2021 by glows 1
Ami1uwant Posted December 7, 2021 Posted December 7, 2021 Why do you think you are at fault for the heart attack 1
Gaeta Posted December 7, 2021 Posted December 7, 2021 (edited) What caused the heart attack? Is it a heart condition or it was self endused with drugs usage? What are the chances of him having a 2nd heart attack? Has he made healthy changes? Edited December 7, 2021 by Gaeta
Lotsgoingon Posted December 8, 2021 Posted December 8, 2021 Sounds like you guys just didn't have a strong bond. But if you're in full anxiety just over the prospect of having sex with him, then he ain't the right guy for you. Stay within your comfort zone. Let him find someone who thinks the joy of being with him far outweighs the risk of his health condition. 1
ShyViolet Posted December 8, 2021 Posted December 8, 2021 You definitely don't sound like you're emotionally ready to get back together with him. Don't play with his emotions like this. If you're not in a place to really be there for him and commit to this, leave this man alone. 1
Uruktopi Posted December 8, 2021 Posted December 8, 2021 I suspect that is heart will remain in better conditions wihout you in his life. 1
Author belle_athletic Posted December 12, 2021 Author Posted December 12, 2021 Thanks, everyone is right. I need to break up with him. Just hope I can break the news nicely without stressing his heart too much... 1
smackie9 Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 (edited) It's been 4 years, and he's still walking around. I'm sure in the 4 years he's been having sex with other women. Most likely he has this thing under control now with treatment, regular checkups, lifestyle change. This is on you, and your perspective. If you are uncomfortable about it, then just tell him so, he will understand np. He can take it. Edited December 12, 2021 by smackie9 1
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