winny Posted December 6, 2021 Posted December 6, 2021 **Asking on behalf of a friend** She recently started dating a guy and got to know that he regularly hangs out with this girl who he was FWB with for nearly 1 year and till right before she started dating him. He bought this girl a present for her birthday few days back, texts with her frequently, hangs out at her apartment for hours (just the 2 of them) and goes out with her for different activities. She is very confused as he says that they are just friends now and he likes her company and she is a great person. But she is feeling insecure as to why he feels the need to hang out with her for hours alone when he has a GF. She is contemplating breaking up but also thinking if she should speak to him first. Suggestions please?
Wiseman2 Posted December 6, 2021 Posted December 6, 2021 11 minutes ago, winny said: He bought this girl a present for her birthday few days back, texts with her frequently, hangs out at her apartment for hours (just the 2 of them) and goes out with her for different activities. He's dating both of them. If she wants exclusive dating, she needs to get rid of him. She doesn't need permission to break up. She need self-respect to breakup. 9
Sun Seeker Posted December 6, 2021 Posted December 6, 2021 She can talk to him sure but sounds like she already has his answer? They are just friends, blah blah blahhhh. There's only one thing she should be doing, that's breaking up with him as it's a complete lack of boundaries on his part. 5
Gaeta Posted December 6, 2021 Posted December 6, 2021 Wow! How old is he? 16! I would not date a man that keeps his fwb around. 4
glows Posted December 6, 2021 Posted December 6, 2021 (edited) Let your friend know that while her bf may like his friend's company but she doesn't. Give him time to respond but know that if he hasn't cultivated enough boundaries or those social skills (lacks the emotional intelligence in this scenario), it's unlikely it will flower overnight. There is also a chance that the trust is somewhat broken and I'm not certain her view of him will change negatively over time. Edited December 6, 2021 by glows 1
CollinW Posted December 6, 2021 Posted December 6, 2021 If she's such a great person and they had sexual chemistry to the point of having consistent long term sex, then there is no reason why they wouldn't be dating. Maintaining relationships with people you screwed is inappropriate, it doesn't matter how cool a person that is. 4
Happy Lemming Posted December 6, 2021 Posted December 6, 2021 2 hours ago, winny said: hangs out at her apartment for hours (just the 2 of them) ... He is still getting "Benefits".... no doubt in my mind. He may want to eventually replace this FWB with someone better or more permanent, but for now there is only one reason he is at her apartment... the "benefits". 3
Author winny Posted December 6, 2021 Author Posted December 6, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Wow! How old is he? 16! I would not date a man that keeps his fwb around. They are both mid 20s.
Author winny Posted December 7, 2021 Author Posted December 7, 2021 Thank you everyone. I think we have a consensus here. 1 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 7, 2021 Posted December 7, 2021 Your friend is going to get seriously hurt here, because her boyfriend is clearly very into this other woman. My sense is that it's her (FWB) he truly wants, but your friend will do in the meantime. No way would I keep dating this guy. 4
kendahke Posted December 7, 2021 Posted December 7, 2021 (edited) On 12/6/2021 at 2:32 PM, winny said: She recently started dating a guy and got to know that he regularly hangs out with this girl who he was FWB with for nearly 1 year and till right before she started dating him. He bought this girl a present for her birthday few days back, texts with her frequently, hangs out at her apartment for hours (just the 2 of them) and goes out with her for different activities. She is very confused as he says that they are just friends now and he likes her company and she is a great person. But she is feeling insecure as to why he feels the need to hang out with her for hours alone when he has a GF. She is contemplating breaking up but also thinking if she should speak to him first. Suggestions please? Which "she" are you talking about? The ex or your "friend"? You need to make the distinction more specific. How I'm interpreting it because it's so unclear who "she" is: This guy and his ex aren't done with each other. Your friend is a placeholder that he's been marking time with until him and the ex could get back together, hence them spending all this time together and staying at her place til 2am while your girl twiddles her thumbs. Your girl should go on ahead and see her way out. She's the 3rd wheel--and besides, it sounds like your girl is just that--a pal who he thinks is a great person. That is the kiss of death line as far as romance is concerned because it's so platonic. He didn't say he wanted a future with her, just that he likes her company and she's a great person (that he doesn't see a romantic, emotional or sexual future with). Edited December 7, 2021 by kendahke 1
jdesey Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 I will make this real simple. Guys should not have female friends and women should not have male friends if you’re in a relationship with someone. It’s that simple. And I don’t want to hear that we’re just friends bullshit. I know how guys work because I’m one of them we all wanna nail the woman 2
smackie9 Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 (edited) Mature men with their act together, ready for commitment don't hang out/keep in touch regularly with an ex FWB. They know who to sever ties with out of respect, and know it's THE appropriate to do so. This guy need to to be kicked to the curb. Just me but I would never date someone that that chooses to have relationships like that in the first place. Edited December 12, 2021 by smackie9 1
Author winny Posted December 13, 2021 Author Posted December 13, 2021 10 hours ago, smackie9 said: Mature men with their act together, ready for commitment don't hang out/keep in touch regularly with an ex FWB. They know who to sever ties with out of respect, and know it's THE appropriate to do so. This guy need to to be kicked to the curb. Just me but I would never date someone that that chooses to have relationships like that in the first place. Thats exactly what I told her. I have always severed my ties with exes. It seems like a new trend to keep in touch with exes which I do not understand. Anyways, I can only give her suggestion. It doesn't look like she is gonna break up with him yet. 1
Author winny Posted December 13, 2021 Author Posted December 13, 2021 On 12/11/2021 at 3:31 PM, jdesey said: I will make this real simple. Guys should not have female friends and women should not have male friends if you’re in a relationship with someone. It’s that simple. And I don’t want to hear that we’re just friends bullshit. I know how guys work because I’m one of them we all wanna nail the woman I do have male friends who are married (I never had romantic history with them). But still we never hang out 1:1. Their wives are always present. Their wives are also good friends of mine. Hanging out with exes (or anyone you have a sexual history) alone is recipe for disaster.
jdesey Posted December 13, 2021 Posted December 13, 2021 your friend is in for a very bad conclusion. Her guy is totally dis-respecting her and does not understand boundaries. HELL NO! do you maintain contact with someone you have had sex with!! and they are hanging out face to face, gee I wonder what they do with that time??
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