She told me that she does not want a Christmas gift from me

[JJ262]

I am M(29) and I have been talking to F(30) for 2 months and been seeing her for more than a month now.

As you know, Christmas is coming up, so I thought about buying her a small gift like a candle (I didn't tell her).

So, I asked her if I could get her a gift for Christmas, but she told me: "Appreciate the thought, but I don't want you spending money. :)"

Does this mean she is no longer want to see me, because she doesn't want to be indebted or feel like she has to reciprocate?

 

Funny thing is that I have been planning and paying exclusively on our dates, so it's weird that she tells me she doesn't want me spending money....

 

She told me that she felt positive vibe from me on the first date because I was polite, seemed to possess high EQ, and both wanted long-term relationship

[FMW]

It could be that she feels it's too early in your dating relationship to exchange gifts.  For me, gifts are different than someone paying for drinks or dinner.  Gifts are a purposeful presentation of something that in most cases will last and be a reminder or memento.  If that's the reason, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you or want to continue seeing you, she just isn't ready for the gift giving stage.  

It could also be that she doesn't enjoy exchanging gifts in general, maybe because she doesn't like spending money or just doesn't see much value in gift giving.  

[Happy Lemming]

Early in a relationship, gift giving is difficult. 

It is possible, she doesn't have the time or money to do Christmas gifts (this year).  Some people faced hardships this year (with the pandemic) such as layoffs, back rent/mortgage payments, utilities, etc.  She may be behind in her bills or have credit card debt. 

It is also possible she doesn't want to put the effort in to shop for that "perfect gift" for you.  She'll feel guilty if you give her something and she doesn't reciprocate, thus she wants to avoid gifts this year.

I think I'd respect her wishes and forego gifts this year.

 

[Alvi]

Giving a candle for Christmas reminds me of this. Please don't get her a candle. Unless she is into candles. 

This could be one of those cases where a woman says no but she means yes. I wonder if she is actually testing you and secretly hoping that you are going to give her something despite her saying that she doesn't want you to get her anything. Maybe say that you are going to get her something small and inexpensive. Tell her that it doesn't need to be reciprocated and really mean it. Maybe get her something like a box of chocolate  if you don't know her tastes and a card. 

 

Edited December 6, 2021 by Alvi

[Girl Fade Away]

13 hours ago, JJ262 said:

So, I asked her if I could get her a gift for Christmas, but she told me: "Appreciate the thought, but I don't want you spending money. :)"

Realistically what else could she have said?  "Yes!  Buy me a gift!!!"  Which would make her appear entitled and materialistic.

Her response is probably what I would have answered too this early in but if he bought me a small token of his affection, I would definitely appreciate it! 

Words of advice.  Don't ever ask a woman if you can buy her a gift.  Just buy it, within reason depending on how long you have been dating. 

Personally speaking, I love scented candles.  I have many around my home.  I think that would make a thoughtful first Christmas gift after only 1-2 months dating.   

 

[glows]

You're reading into this a little too much. I agree on foregoing the gifts and keep things low key and relaxed. Invite her over to dinner and enjoy the holidays together. Focus more on the quality of the time you're spending with each other and find out whether you'd like to keep seeing her. 

[Saracena]

10 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

 

Words of advice.  Don't ever ask a woman if you can buy her a gift.  Just buy it, within reason depending on how long you have been dating. 

Yes. Actually I was wondering (and a bit surprised) why you asked her in the first place!

At a roughly similar stage in our RL with OH, I received a really lovely present and although I was a little surprised, I was delighted at the same time!

[Alvi]

21 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Words of advice.  Don't ever ask a woman if you can buy her a gift.  Just buy it, within reason depending on how long you have been dating. 

That is so so so so so true. Don't ask. Just do it.

21 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Realistically what else could she have said?  "Yes!  Buy me a gift!!!"  Which would make her appear entitled and materialistic.

Yeah, how do you answer if a guy asks you if he can get you a gift?  Unless you say: "Let's get something for each other for less than 20 bucks."

21 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Personally speaking, I love scented candles.  I have many around my home.  I think that would make a thoughtful first Christmas gift after only 1-2 months dating.

Glad you like candles. But for me, personally, a candle is a very generic gift with little or no thought behind it. I would thank him of course. But I would think that he doesn't know me at all. Or has no desire to find out about me. Or doesn't care about me. You've been dating for 2 month, so you should know roughly what kind of stuff she is into. So get her something that she likes. Don't go overboard, just something small and not very expensive.

Edited December 6, 2021 by Alvi

[Sun Seeker]

Agreed, never ask. That's like asking if you can kiss her, not a good look.

And she said not to spend money. There are plenty of thoughtful gifts you can get her that do not cost a lot of money.

[Girl Fade Away]

14 minutes ago, Alvi said:

But for me, personally, a candle is a very generic gift with little or no thought behind it. 

Fair enough and agree to make it personal.  But given that I love them and have many around my home that he would have noticed, in my case it would be a very thoughtful and lovely gift.

Edited December 6, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Don't ever ask a woman if you can buy her a gift. 

Or a man for that matter, just buy the gift.

[Girl Fade Away]

5 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

Agreed, never ask. That's like asking if you can kiss her, not a good look.

Yes!  I was going to add that too.  Just kiss her! 

[Happy Lemming]

When in doubt... birthstone earrings.  Usually you can get away fairly cheap, unless her birthday is in April (diamond)...

[Alvi]

9 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

When in doubt... birthstone earrings.  Usually you can get away fairly cheap, unless her birthday is in April (diamond)...

That could be an overkill for a few month of dating. She might misinterpret his intentions, lol. 

[bene]

I think it was just a polite way to say that you shouldn’t stress too much about the gift. It wouldn’t have looked good to start listing what she wants and it would be too early for big gifts anyway.

I’d get something inexpensive like some fancier handmade chocolates or something more personal if you have picked up some clues from conversation. Something to show that you thought of her but not over the top.

[dramafreezone]

I think gifts under 6 months is iffy, certainly one month is way too early.  I think if you plan something nice then that would be very much appreciated. 

You don't have to spend money (or not a lot) for a thoughful date or a nice gesture.

[Alpacalia]

Don't get me wrong: it's a thoughtful gesture.

And a more suitable response from her would be, "that's very thoughtful of you, thank you."

But she declined for a reason. That reason could be nothing, or perhaps you believe that buying a present for any woman simply because you like her will boost her interest towards you.

How are things going otherwise?

Edited December 6, 2021 by Alpaca

[JJ262]

Hey Alpaca, 

I wanna say that the things are going well, but I honestly don't know?

Her body language tells me she is liking me more than the first encounter and she is very busy, but making the efforts to see me on weekends and her text reply is getting better. 

However, she seems to be a very private person and the fact that she hasn't told me her real name is a concern. 

 

[Ami1uwant]

21 hours ago, JJ262 said:

I am M(29) and I have been talking to F(30) for 2 months and been seeing her for more than a month now.

As you know, Christmas is coming up, so I thought about buying her a small gift like a candle (I didn't tell her).

So, I asked her if I could get her a gift for Christmas, but she told me: "Appreciate the thought, but I don't want you spending money. :)"

Does this mean she is no longer want to see me, because she doesn't want to be indebted or feel like she has to reciprocate?

 

Funny thing is that I have been planning and paying exclusively on our dates, so it's weird that she tells me she doesn't want me spending money....

 

She told me that she felt positive vibe from me on the first date because I was polite, seemed to possess high EQ, and both wanted long-term relationship

2-3 months is too early to buy a present fir Christmas.  This can be a measuring stick or perception on how you view the relationship that can cause issues.  It’s best to avoid presents now.

 

the problem is…if you think this is really important and serious you buy a piece of jewelry, she enjoys this but right now views it as more fun and not serious so she gets you something nice but it doesn’t match your gift so too much discomfort can result.

[Saracena]

58 minutes ago, JJ262 said:

However, she seems to be a very private person and the fact that she hasn't told me her real name is a concern. 

Her real name? This is far more than a concern if you don't even know her name.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, JJ262 said:

However, she seems to be a very private person and the fact that she hasn't told me her real name is a concern.

 

22 hours ago, JJ262 said:

I am M(29) and I have been talking to F(30) for 2 months and been seeing her for more than a month now.

 

1 hour ago, JJ262 said:

Her body language tells me she is liking me more than the first encounter and she is very busy, but making the efforts to see me on weekends and her text reply is getting better.

I'm confused... So you've been out on one date, she hasn't told you her real name and all you have done for a couple of months is text and talk on the phone.

All you have here is an electronic pen-pal.  This is not dating and no, you don't buy this person a Christmas gift.

She is not busy. She is keeping you way on the back burner while she sifts through other candidates.

Edited December 7, 2021 by Happy Lemming

[Lotsgoingon]

Hold on: you don't know her name?

You aren't dating if you don't know here name, and you certainly don't want to buy a present if you don't know the person's name. 

Why don't you know her name? Basically the answer to this doesn't matter--it's all red flag. 

[JJ262]

Hey Lotsgoingon, 

She is using a fake name. She doesn't know that I know her real name as I found her bio page on her company website. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, JJ262 said:

Hey Alpaca, 

I wanna say that the things are going well, but I honestly don't know?

Her body language tells me she is liking me more than the first encounter and she is very busy, but making the efforts to see me on weekends and her text reply is getting better. 

However, she seems to be a very private person and the fact that she hasn't told me her real name is a concern. 

 

So, how do you even refer to her and what was her response to why she declined to give you her real name?

Edit: Just read your other post.

Yeah, you need to find out why she gave you a different name.

Could be nothing, could be something.

Do you think maybe she's married?

How many dates have you actually been on?

Edited December 7, 2021 by Alpaca

[JJ262]

Hey S2B, 

She won't even reveal her birthday after 4th date. I doubt that she will sleep with me now. 

I did background search on her and everything else is true.