Can't seem to figure this girl out.

[Versacehottie]

10 minutes ago, Seymore said:

I can understand what you're saying and I appreciate your reply.

Bottom line is: Dating or not, I would rather have someone who didn't accept another date, then blow off the conversation once I try and make plans.  I mean say something.  Even if it was just a friend, people don't treat others that way.  How she is acting is just rude and childish.  I want someone who can communicate, and as open as she claims she is and as much as she claims she values honesty, she sure isn't showing it.  If she's not moving in that direction at all then she should let me know, and since she's not going to come out and say anything, her actions are telling me.  

We also had the church talk, and honestly it wasn't an issue for her.  She just said her dad would love me because I have those values.

thanks. so first thing i would point out is that you gotta work with what you've got in a way. You are wishing she was different in how her behavior is rather than just do you.  And see if she matches up.  You will drive yourself crazy wanting to be right.  If you really believe she is rude and childish then game over--you shouldn't want to date her. Easy. It's been one date and a handful of days. You are saying you want to move slow yet you want definitions of "where is this going" when she probably doesn't really know, etc. And reassurance about where it is going when she might not know. I would just guess it's hard to book dates for 10pm when you have to work the next day..and that you are coming on full on so (ie too fast so you are complicit in the problems here TBH) which then turn a person off. I agree that it's immature to not answer the offer of a date, but then you have several choices if that's what happens:

*decide unilaterally she is not for you, stop trying to date her

*decide that you are still getting to know each other and that you are going to gather more information before you decide whether to keep pursuing her. Take responsibility or attempt to understand your part in this such as moving too fast/trying to see on back to back days/not presenting yourself in an attractive way

*decide that you are not going to be deterred or bothered by the non-answer and that it's meaning will come out later; additionally work around the non-answer, by asking again later; asking as someone suggested where you just offer up a time and she will have to offer up an alternative if she can't make that time; or pull back but remain friendly and pursuing her in a slower manner knowing it might not go down exactly how you think it will nor in "your" timeframe.

Also are you Seymour or speedy79?  That's kinda confusing on the same thread to switch up your name.  Seems like there is a lot of that going around.

 

[Girl Fade Away]

9 hours ago, Speedy79 said:

These games are so freaking stupid. 

Then why do you play them?   What is it about ANY of this (or her) that is appealing to you?  That is what I don't understand about some of you guys (I see other men relentlessly chasing unattainable women too).   Like you seem almost obsessed with getting her to respond to you.   The harder she is to "get," the more obsessed you become.  

You called her on phone right when you were texting and she did not answer which was incredibly rude and insulting.  So you apologized to her for calling?  Dude!   What the heck.

Move on is my advice.  You're an orbiter.  Have more self-respect, seriously.  IF she is interested and intentionally playing this push/pull game with you, and you want to beat her at her own game like @ChatroomHerosuggested, I wish you luck.  Such games can be utterly exhausting and they won't ever stop either.

And lastly, look into why any of this behavior OR her at this point is appealing to you.  A bit of introspection may do you a world of good going forward.

 

Edited December 6, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[glows]

28 minutes ago, Seymore said:

I can understand what you're saying and I appreciate your reply.

Bottom line is: Dating or not, I would rather have someone who didn't accept another date, then blow off the conversation once I try and make plans.  I mean say something.  Even if it was just a friend, people don't treat others that way.  How she is acting is just rude and childish.  I want someone who can communicate, and as open as she claims she is and as much as she claims she values honesty, she sure isn't showing it.  If she's not moving in that direction at all then she should let me know, and since she's not going to come out and say anything, her actions are telling me.  

We also had the church talk, and honestly it wasn't an issue for her.  She just said her dad would love me because I have those values.

Ok that is fair. But that's not how the real world works. Try reading between the lines a bit more. When someone shows you with their actions or doesn't follow through, that is the actual response. Pay less attention to words when you find words and actions are at odds or conflict with one another. 

Get rid of all the strife and confusion. There could be any reason under the sun why she doesn't like you enough or prefers to keep things light or vague. Only step away if it's not working for you.

[Speedy79]

38 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

thanks. so first thing i would point out is that you gotta work with what you've got in a way. You are wishing she was different in how her behavior is rather than just do you.  And see if she matches up.  You will drive yourself crazy wanting to be right.  If you really believe she is rude and childish then game over--you shouldn't want to date her. Easy. It's been one date and a handful of days. You are saying you want to move slow yet you want definitions of "where is this going" when she probably doesn't really know, etc. And reassurance about where it is going when she might not know. I would just guess it's hard to book dates for 10pm when you have to work the next day..and that you are coming on full on so (ie too fast so you are complicit in the problems here TBH) which then turn a person off. I agree that it's immature to not answer the offer of a date, but then you have several choices if that's what happens:

*decide unilaterally she is not for you, stop trying to date her

*decide that you are still getting to know each other and that you are going to gather more information before you decide whether to keep pursuing her. Take responsibility or attempt to understand your part in this such as moving too fast/trying to see on back to back days/not presenting yourself in an attractive way

*decide that you are not going to be deterred or bothered by the non-answer and that it's meaning will come out later; additionally work around the non-answer, by asking again later; asking as someone suggested where you just offer up a time and she will have to offer up an alternative if she can't make that time; or pull back but remain friendly and pursuing her in a slower manner knowing it might not go down exactly how you think it will nor in "your" timeframe.

Also are you Seymour or speedy79?  That's kinda confusing on the same thread to switch up your name.  Seems like there is a lot of that going around.

 

She can contact me if and when she's ready.  I put myself out there.  Also, I'm sorry for the confusion - they're both me.  One is on my work computer and one is at home.  I had login problems and it's a convoluted story. I wish I could merge the two.

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Maybe for her the dating is when you are actually a couple

That's how I interpreted her comment.  OP is not anywhere near that right now.

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

 

Duplicate post. Please ignore.

Edited December 7, 2021 by Acacia98

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

You know , I learned something only myself the other day.  If someone likes you, you know. If someone doesn’t like you then you’re confused.  I’m not set on it’s validity yet,  but I’m struggling to think of a time it hasn’t been true …make of that what you will. 

It's certainly been true in my experience.

2 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

You called her on phone right when you were texting and she did not answer which was incredibly rude and insulting.  So you apologized to her for calling?  Dude!   What the heck.

Move on is my advice. 

@OP, I agree with the above. In fact, I suggest you simply block her. Because if you don't, you risk being drawn back into communication with her. If you're reluctant to block her because it's "rude" or "immature", I just want to point out that this is somebody who deliberately ignored part of your message and subsequently ignored your phonecall after saying something that led you to believe that she actually wanted to date regularly. If she were a straightforward communicator, she would have simply declined the invitation to another date, saying she was too busy at the moment or giving some other excuse. It's really not that difficult to do.

Incidentally, that "little" thing (her failure to respond to your question) that annoyed you at the beginning was not a little thing after all. In my experience, people who have responded to my communications selectively in that way have turned out to be super-flakey. Always. Without fail. And they have tended to be stonewallers too. "Little" things can tell you something about someone even before you've spent hours in their company.

I'm also sometimes wary of people who make little comments about themselves like the one she made about wanting to date someone who would see her regularly. It's sometimes the case that the person says these things to "train" the other person to behave a certain way. And it can be quite self-serving. Unfortunately, taking such comments seriously tends not to work out well for someone who is eager to please others.

Edited December 7, 2021 by Acacia98

[jdesey]

I have gotten to a point where I just have no time for women that don’t want to actually meet for dates.  I don’t need a freaking penpal I want a girlfriend. And I don’t wanna have a relationship with somebody’s text message application on their phone. I say ask her one more time to meet and just leave her be. Make it clear that the balls in her court.

[CLS63AMG]

If I ask her for a date and she vanishes from the convo I am GONE and a silly picture of a sunset doesn't fix it.  All she wants is your attention, she has no intentions of taking it further.  "Not touchy feely" = don't touch me when we are together.  Drop her.

 

I'll bet $1000 she just got out of a relationship

Edited December 12, 2021 by CLS63AMG

[spiderowl]

I agree that she is not showing much interest if you have met her in person before and she is not accepting dates. I think it wise to cool off, be in touch with her politely when you feel like it but otherwise get on with your own life.

I would like to add though that for women (I think many women though obviously I can only speak for myself and others I know), a relationship continues in between dates. We need communication.  I have found that guys tend to be more purposeful, contacting only to suggest a date or if a communication is necessary. For me, this is not a relationship, it might as well be a dinner and booty call because the guy is only interested in relating in person on a meet. I get fed up of hearing guys tell each other, ‘only ring her for a purpose, none of this chit-chat stuff’, or if she wants to just chat or text between meetings, then she is using the guy somehow?! No, she thinks they are relating to each other.

Yes, if she never meets, after you have got to know each other by other means first, then maybe she’s not interested, but let’s face it, if a guy is not interested in chatting with a woman in between meets, HE is not interested in her.

I have recently dumped a guy because he only ever contacts me to text me what he is doing every third day or so or to suggest meeting up. He does not engage in any text chat, or replies very slowly. While we get on pretty well in person, I’m just utterly fed up of the lack of communication and support. A relationship involves relating, not just purposeful meetings. 

[chillii]

Ha , and l'd totally agree with that spidey . Never understand all this date bs and all so formal , never with anyone worthwhile including ex w , was it ever anything like that. No rules no times no waiting for dates bs, l mean really , never even heard of such stuff before LS. Anyone truly serious including my partner now , Galmighty , we were at it day one. Any so called dates as such were just icing on the cake they weren't us , we already were and had been right through.

[Speedy79]

  

44 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I agree that she is not showing much interest if you have met her in person before and she is not accepting dates. I think it wise to cool off, be in touch with her politely when you feel like it but otherwise get on with your own life.

I would like to add though that for women (I think many women though obviously I can only speak for myself and others I know), a relationship continues in between dates. We need communication.  I have found that guys tend to be more purposeful, contacting only to suggest a date or if a communication is necessary. For me, this is not a relationship, it might as well be a dinner and booty call because the guy is only interested in relating in person on a meet. I get fed up of hearing guys tell each other, ‘only ring her for a purpose, none of this chit-chat stuff’, or if she wants to just chat or text between meetings, then she is using the guy somehow?! No, she thinks they are relating to each other.

Yes, if she never meets, after you have got to know each other by other means first, then maybe she’s not interested, but let’s face it, if a guy is not interested in chatting with a woman in between meets, HE is not interested in her.

I have recently dumped a guy because he only ever contacts me to text me what he is doing every third day or so or to suggest meeting up. He does not engage in any text chat, or replies very slowly. While we get on pretty well in person, I’m just utterly fed up of the lack of communication and support. A relationship involves relating, not just purposeful meetings. 

I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding this post and I apologize if that's the case, but she DID accept another date in person, then played hot and cold all weekend and vanished when I attempted to call her.  I had been communicating with her all weekend and getting to know her more - that was actually the reason I wound up eventually just calling her, as I would have rather talked with her in person rather than all the texting that was going on.  Too much can get lost or confused in a text and it's much easier and personal that way.  I would call dropping off the face of the earth a lack of communication, and if someone can't communicate back then maybe I dodged a bullet.  I really don't know. 

I mean it doesn't mean much now anyway, but I feel I wasn't pushy or overwhelming.  I also initiated conversation during that time, and it wasn't all about "when's the next date" or anything.  It just would have been nice and a hell of a lot easier to hear "I'm not feeling this, sorry, bye".  But as the saying goes...wish in one hand, poop in the other and see which one fills up first. 

Our hobby group is having another get together at that same bar in a couple of weeks (she isn't in our group but goes to that bar some nights, which is how I met her there).  If she happens to be there I plan on being friendly, but doing my own thing with my group. 

[spiderowl]

9 hours ago, Speedy79 said:

  

I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding this post and I apologize if that's the case, but she DID accept another date in person, then played hot and cold all weekend and vanished when I attempted to call her.  I had been communicating with her all weekend and getting to know her more - that was actually the reason I wound up eventually just calling her, as I would have rather talked with her in person rather than all the texting that was going on.  Too much can get lost or confused in a text and it's much easier and personal that way.  I would call dropping off the face of the earth a lack of communication, and if someone can't communicate back then maybe I dodged a bullet.  I really don't know. 

I mean it doesn't mean much now anyway, but I feel I wasn't pushy or overwhelming.  I also initiated conversation during that time, and it wasn't all about "when's the next date" or anything.  It just would have been nice and a hell of a lot easier to hear "I'm not feeling this, sorry, bye".  But as the saying goes...wish in one hand, poop in the other and see which one fills up first. 

Our hobby group is having another get together at that same bar in a couple of weeks (she isn't in our group but goes to that bar some nights, which is how I met her there).  If she happens to be there I plan on being friendly, but doing my own thing with my group. 

I completely agree, I think she is not that interested at the moment. I was just saying that in some (other) cases, men advise others not to communicate between dates unless it is to fix another date. This doesn’t work for women.

I think maybe draw back from this one because she is not responding and matching your interest for whatever reason. I truly hope you find someone special for you because you seem totally genuine and you are making the effort.