Can't seem to figure this girl out.

[Speedy79]

27 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

When was the last time you asked her out on a date? I think it is only fair to give her plenty of time to make her decision. If she didn't react straight away, it's possible she's still considering it or isn't sure she's okay with it.

I asked her when I dropped her off Friday night after our first date/second meeting and she said yes. The next day I tried to nail down her schedule for the next few days so I would know when to make plans for, and she only mentioned today after she was done with work, although I had plans. So today I told her I would do my best to get my work done early and of she's available we could go out. She saw my text right before going into work and forgot to reply, apologizing hours later.

I may just give it until tomorrow, tell her a solid date and time for Saturday and see what she says. If she's flaky again I'll just drop it.

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, Speedy79 said:

SHE is the one initiating texting, usually.  This is what I'm saying.  Very first morning after we met she was texting good morning, are you at work, hows your day etc and we went back and forth.  Then she pulled back and I didn't bombard her or anything when she did.  Then she started again and pulled back. 

I'm *really* glad she's not moving quickly, I'd just like to know what her speed is because it feels mixed. 

Relax, don't change a thing. It's kinda hard to move things along when you only see each other once a week. That's very little time spend trying to connect.

Edited December 6, 2021 by smackie9

[Speedy79]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

Relax, don't change a thing. It kinda hard to move things along when you only see each other once a week. That's very little time spend trying to connect.

That's also the thing - she had said she likes to see a guy she's dating more than once a week, more like twice - which is why I'm trying to nail down another day this week. I want to show her I'm paying attention.

[smackie9]

Well then just play it by ear and stop over analyzing everything. If it works out fine, if it doesn't oh well plenty of fish......

[dramafreezone]

5 minutes ago, Speedy79 said:

That's also the thing - she had said she likes to see a guy she's dating more than once a week, more like twice - which is why I'm trying to nail down another day this week. I want to show her I'm paying attention.

You need to forget about that.  Her actions say that she's not ready to see you twice a week right now.  You're trying to impress way too much, when it's not necessary.

Edited December 6, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Speedy79 said:

I may just give it until tomorrow, tell her a solid date and time for Saturday and see what she says. If she's flaky again I'll just drop it.

That sounds like a good plan.

And I agree with dramafreezone about not putting too much stock into some of her earlier comments.

Forgot about that for now.

 

[Speedy79]

So I just let things be last night, no reaching out, and she texts me hi and asks how my night is going. I told her, then asked how hers was. She said ok but she was really bored. 

So I did like Fox said, and instead of asking to call her, I just did it. Nope - she just let it ring and didn't answer. I texted that I just figured it would be easier to talk that way than via text. No reply. So I send a text apologizing if I overstepped some sort of boundary by calling. Still no reply. And that was it for the night.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. She's so hot and cold...and over me calling? After SHE contacted me?? I find it hard to believe she fell asleep within a minute of texting me that she was bored. This is getting to be so old and it's frustrating me.

 

Edited December 6, 2021 by Speedy79

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Speedy79 said:

So I just let things be last night, no reaching out, and she texts me hi and asks how my night is going. I told her, then asked how hers was. She said ok but she was really bored. 

So I did like Fox said, and instead of asking to call her, I just did it. Nope - she just let it ring and didn't answer. I texted that I just figured it would be easier to talk that way than via text. No reply. So I send a text apologizing if I overstepped some sort of boundary by calling. Still no reply. And that was it for the night.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. She's so hot and cold...and over me calling? After SHE contacted me?? I find it hard to believe she fell asleep within a minute of texting me that she was bored. This is getting to be so old and it's frustrating me.

 

Don't worry about it OP.

The above is pretty flaky behavior on her part.

I would start focusing your attention elsewhere.

She's either undecided about you or she's looking for an ego stroke.

 

Edited December 6, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Speedy79 said:

 I find it hard to believe she fell asleep within a minute of texting me that she was bored. 

She is not interested. She is dating others and won't take your calls.

Cut your losses. Stop texting. Stop calling. She knows your contact info. Don't respond to nonsense texts and dignity her "I'm bored" nonsense.

Unless she specifically sets up a time to meet, you're in the friendzone on the back burner.

[Maldives]

Flakey

[Speedy79]

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She is not interested. She is dating others and won't take your calls.

Cut your losses. Stop texting. Stop calling. She knows your contact info. Don't respond to nonsense texts and dignity her "I'm bored" nonsense.

Unless she specifically sets up a time to meet, you're in the friendzone on the back burner.

Thank you Wiseman. I don't get what kind of people play games like this. I can't imagine myself being like this to someone else. Accepting a date and then doing this just seems cruel to me.

[ChatroomHero]

Flaky behavior for sure. I would guess she has some interest and enjoys being chased. For some reason it seems like everyone I date goes one of two ways. Everyone I date seems to go exactly like this and it is confusing. Shows a lot of interest. Her friends will say things like, "She is way into you...". She will text and indicate strong interest all the way up to the point I ask, "What are you doing Thursday, I have tickets for XXX..." or "YYY event is on Saturday, would you like to go?" and then I get radio silence. A day or two later she'll text, "Hi, how's your day going?".

It's pretty maddening but I used to think maybe she needs a little space, don't push too hard, she was interested so let her come around, but it always just ends up as one day I realize I haven't heard from her in a week or two and she didn't respond to my last couple of texts. The conclusion I have come to is if someone acts like this and you ask her out directly and get the no response/her ignoring you asking her out even once, it's done.

It could be low interest or she was semi-seeing someone else and you are a filler orbiter for her. I've looked at it like this when they ignore a text question about going out...imagine if you were with her in person and said, "Hey, do you want to go out to dinner Thursday?" and she just smiled at you for 3 minutes and didn't say a word and got up and walked away for an hour. Then if you asked her an hour later if she was free for a date one night, she responded by saying "Hey how's your day going?". It's pretty much what it is, other than since it is via text, she has all the time she needs to read, think about and respond and is consciously choosing to completely ignore it and you know it's not like she didn't hear you.   

I'd just move on. I also find that if 3 or 4 days later she reaches out and says hello out of the blue, if you respond, when you get to asking her out again you'll get the same responses. If she does respond to you asking her out again, it will be the "we'll see" or you ask her out for Wednesday, she'll give you a vague answer that makes it sound like she's free Weds maybe, but really busy that week in general so it comes across as she is free but you already know on Wednesday she'll be too tired or busy or something will pop up or just not respond to your texts on Wednesday until Thursday when she tells you she went to bed early on Wednesday...

Basically I think she is just filling her orbit.

[Speedy79]

10 minutes ago, ChatroomHero said:

Flaky behavior for sure. I would guess she has some interest and enjoys being chased. For some reason it seems like everyone I date goes one of two ways. Everyone I date seems to go exactly like this and it is confusing. Shows a lot of interest. Her friends will say things like, "She is way into you...". She will text and indicate strong interest all the way up to the point I ask, "What are you doing Thursday, I have tickets for XXX..." or "YYY event is on Saturday, would you like to go?" and then I get radio silence. A day or two later she'll text, "Hi, how's your day going?".

It's pretty maddening but I used to think maybe she needs a little space, don't push too hard, she was interested so let her come around, but it always just ends up as one day I realize I haven't heard from her in a week or two and she didn't respond to my last couple of texts. The conclusion I have come to is if someone acts like this and you ask her out directly and get the no response/her ignoring you asking her out even once, it's done.

It could be low interest or she was semi-seeing someone else and you are a filler orbiter for her. I've looked at it like this when they ignore a text question about going out...imagine if you were with her in person and said, "Hey, do you want to go out to dinner Thursday?" and she just smiled at you for 3 minutes and didn't say a word and got up and walked away for an hour. Then if you asked her an hour later if she was free for a date one night, she responded by saying "Hey how's your day going?". It's pretty much what it is, other than since it is via text, she has all the time she needs to read, think about and respond and is consciously choosing to completely ignore it and you know it's not like she didn't hear you.   

I'd just move on. I also find that if 3 or 4 days later she reaches out and says hello out of the blue, if you respond, when you get to asking her out again you'll get the same responses. If she does respond to you asking her out again, it will be the "we'll see" or you ask her out for Wednesday, she'll give you a vague answer that makes it sound like she's free Weds maybe, but really busy that week in general so it comes across as she is free but you already know on Wednesday she'll be too tired or busy or something will pop up or just not respond to your texts on Wednesday until Thursday when she tells you she went to bed early on Wednesday...

Basically I think she is just filling her orbit.

So what do I say to her when she inevitably comes out of the fog, texting "hi" again? Do I tell her upfront that I want to date her, not be her pal, and if she wants to she can make plans? Do I tell her it's kinda cruddy that she accepts a date in person, then blows me off and I'm not looking for someone like that? Or do I just play like her and not respond to her texts until I get a date offer from her (which may never happen)?

These games are so freaking stupid. 

Edited December 6, 2021 by Speedy79

[Alpacalia]

I would disregard any further texts from her moving forward.

You only went on one date, after all.

She earlier misinformed you when she said, "I want someone who wants to see me on a regular basis," and then she disregards you following your date invitation. Then she texts you because she's "bored," and when you call her, she goes silent.

All of this for a second date?

Having said that, don't rush in the next time. She was aware that you were interested and was taking her time with it. This is your cue now to take a step back.

 

 

Edited December 6, 2021 by Alpaca

[ChatroomHero]

5 minutes ago, Speedy79 said:

So what do I say to her when she inevitably comes out of the fog, texting "hi" again? Do I tell her upfront that I want to date her, not be her pal, and if she wants to she can make plans? Do I tell her it's kinda cruddy that she accepts a date in person, then blows me off and I'm not looking for someone like that? Or do I just play like her and not respond to her texts until I get a date offer from her (which may never happen)?

These games are so freaking stupid. 

I agree the games are dumb but if you are straight forward, she still won't be straight forward with you. She'll pick up that you are calling her out and that is not going to start a relationship. She won't like being called out. If you more or less tell her you aren't looking for a pen pal, it's confrontational and at that point you already know it's over. The message you send will be, "I don't like your BS games, wanna cut the crap and go out with me?". Not going to work.

If she reaches out and says hi, frankly I'd wait a day or two and respond, hey...sorry, been busy, hope you are well and nothing more. Let her do the work. If she is interested she will initiate things further. After a day you'll have her saying something like she's sorry she's been busy and knows she didn't respond to you asking her out but she's more free now...IF she is interested. IF she was on the fence and decided she wants to see you again. 

If she just keeps light and fluffy chat going, mostly ignore it and don't text back right away, don't feed into it. Don't BE her pen pal. After a couple of days, just say, "Hey, how about I pick you up Thursday night...". Anything but a Yes at that point is a No and if she ignores your request, waffles or gives anything other than a definite answer, drop her and stop responding. Don't respond to future texts. Basically if you don't want to be her pen pal or orbiter, don't act like one. She'll see from your actions, how quickly you respond and how you respond, whether you will stay in her orbit or not if she gives you a little attention.

I get it's a little game playing on your part but a lot of women do like the dance. You will have to dance a bit and you will have to play a bit and beat her at her own game if that's how she is. Imagine how you'd respond to her if you had the option of dating 5 other women you liked just as much, because that is probably her position. Sometimes they are looking for a guy that passes their sh*t test. I hate those games too, but some women get interested by a guy that beats them at their own game and shows he isn't desperate for them. They want to know the guy can keep up with their jousting and they met their 'match'. That's how you show confidence, you're not desperate and don't have time for their crap and showing it with your actions without directly saying, "Listen, I don't have time for your crap". If you don't like that stuff, then you are not compatible.

[Speedy79]

2 minutes ago, ChatroomHero said:

Imagine how you'd respond to her if you had the option of dating 5 other women you liked just as much, because that is probably her position. 

This is a good thought. 

I've been single for a while, but not to the point that I'm desperate. She can make plans if she really wants to, but I have way too many other hobbies to play this game.  I'll focus on those.

Like Alpaca said, I'm doing a lot of work for what, a second date? 

[ChatroomHero]

Just now, Speedy79 said:

This is a good thought. 

I've been single for a while, but not to the point that I'm desperate. She can make plans if she really wants to, but I have way too many other hobbies to play this game.  I'll focus on those.

Like Alpaca said, I'm doing a lot of work for what, a second date? 

The key is it shouldn't be work and stress if you are both interested. It should be fairly fun and easy unless there are extenuating circumstances like she is an ER doctor or something with legit reasons why she has little time or might not commit easily. If you do respond, still be nice, friendly, fun and not come across as butt hurt in your responses to the degree that you have the time to do so. Like you are at the bar with friends or doing a hobby and she texts you, be funny or friendly back but just respond with a quick text and then go back to your friends or hobbies because you are busy and will text her later that night, or tomorrow, or the day after, when you have time and want to.

I think you already know she is too much work but invest very little and maybe it happens and maybe it doesn't either you'll be really happy if it works or won't care if it doesn't. Just if you respond, don't respond from a position of being a little butt hurt or call her to the carpet for a date because if you get to that point there is no point in even responding.

[Calmandfocused]

I created a thread about this a while ago; 

 
Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there who just want a “texting” relationships. They want the validation, nice words, someone contacting them etc, but they have no real interest in building a real connection/ relationship. A Complete waste of time IMO! 
 

You really need to stop focusing on what she “said” to you and focus more on how she’s treating you. The reality is that she’s playing games with you. Her “texts” are designed to Yank your Chain and give her the attention she craves. 
 

If I were you I’d stop playing along with her tune. Instead find another woman who values your attention and investment, and is equally willing to give it back. 

[dramafreezone]

11 hours ago, Speedy79 said:

She said ok but she was really bored.

That's a cue I would've taken to ask her out. 

I think she's trying to put you in the friendzone.  At this point, I'd ask her out one more time.  If she doesn't want to set a date, then that's that.  Every time she texts after that, be polite but let her know that you're busy and you can talk some other time.  Don't answer her texts right away.  No more long drawn out texting back and forths.  It's sad that we have to do this but this is the way it is, some people just can't be adults.

Right now she's getting what she wants, the attention, while you're getting nothing out of it.  That is basically what the friendzone is.

You can't go along with being her texting buddy when you want more than that.

[Seymore]

29 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

That's a cue I would've taken to ask her out. 

I think she's trying to put you in the friendzone.  At this point, I'd ask her out one more time.  If she doesn't want to set a date, then that's that.  Every time she texts after that, be polite but let her know that you're busy and you can talk some other time.  Don't answer her texts right away.  No more long drawn out texting back and forths.  It's sad that we have to do this but this is the way it is, some people just can't be adults.

Right now she's getting what she wants, the attention, while you're getting nothing out of it.  That is basically what the friendzone is.

You can't go along with being her texting buddy when you want more than that.

That was the cue I took - I said screw it, I'm gonna call and ask one more time so she can't flake.  This was not even a minute after she said she was bored.  But she didn't answer.  And then she didn't answer the two texts I sent after. 

Honestly, I'm not doing that one more time.  It's starting to wane on me.  This morning she started making scrabble moves again but I'm not doing that either because honestly I'm not interested in being her entertainment.  If she's interested she can tell me, not play these childish games.  

Edited December 6, 2021 by Seymore

[glows]

6 hours ago, Speedy79 said:

So what do I say to her when she inevitably comes out of the fog, texting "hi" again? Do I tell her upfront that I want to date her, not be her pal, and if she wants to she can make plans? Do I tell her it's kinda cruddy that she accepts a date in person, then blows me off and I'm not looking for someone like that? Or do I just play like her and not respond to her texts until I get a date offer from her (which may never happen)?

These games are so freaking stupid. 

I don't think you have to say anything. All you have to do now is decide whether you like what you see or what you know about her.

If the answer is no, move on. Personally speaking, lack of attention to detail and not being able to respond or pay attention to your texts and what you're asking if it's planning dates is an automatic push in the opposite direction. Sorry I forgot is not a reason or excuse. No second guessing needed, nor wondering about her interest, nor trying to figure out what she thinks or what she wants. It's also about what you want and if this isn't what you see yourself with, find someone else to spend your precious time with.

[dramafreezone]

1 minute ago, Seymore said:

That was the cue I took - I said screw it, I'm gonna call and ask one more time so she can't flake.  This was not even a minute after she said she was bored.  But she didn't answer.  

Honestly, I'm not doing that one more time.  It's starting to wane on me.  This morning she started making scrabble moves again but I'm not doing that either because honestly I'm not interested in being her entertainment.  If she's interested she can tell me, not play these childish games.  

Good for you.  I think she's really immature and you can do better.

[Versacehottie]

21 hours ago, Speedy79 said:

That's also the thing - she had said she likes to see a guy she's dating more than once a week, more like twice - which is why I'm trying to nail down another day this week. I want to show her I'm paying attention.

but are you "dating" yet? Or still getting to know each other? Maybe for her the dating is when you are actually a couple.  I think also that you said you wanted to not get into anything too quickly yet you are getting into things too quickly.  Also while you might be trying to impress her by acknowledging and then following through on the fact that she said she wants to see a guy she is dating twice a week, it's kind of one-sided in a way. There's almost no challenge there like you are trying too hard to be what she wants without just being what you are.  I'm not saying you should go out of your way to challenge someone or play games but she might not see you as valuable as you are if you don't have your own stuff going on and sort of just clear your schedule to make room for her in your life.  It's a little much and can be overwhelming.

As far as her almost indicating that it's "ok" because she texts you first--I wouldn't get it confused some girls will do that but it doesn't mean as much as you are interpreting it to mean (that part is to be seen with this girl)...i think you need to take the WHOLE actions into consideration--such as she will text you about silly insignificant stuff but holds back on making plans for the the next date or on flirtation/affection on the date. Meaning she is moving slower or maybe will not move in that direction at all.

As far as the church thing goes, to be fair if you are going this much and this often it's obviously a huge and important part of your life.  Compared to someone who goes only on holidays even if they are of the same faith, it just might not align with a lifestyle they can imagine in a romantic partner.  I'm not saying fight it or get into it yet, but I would certainly keep it at the back of my mind that it's a possible reason things might not work out. Could you imagine a romantic partner who did not share in your activity of going to church that much?  Could you imagine how it would be either to cut back on your churchgoing or do that activity without your partner?  Some things to consider.  I say that because she probably would be considering these elements.  

[Seymore]

10 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

but are you "dating" yet? Or still getting to know each other? Maybe for her the dating is when you are actually a couple.  I think also that you said you wanted to not get into anything too quickly yet you are getting into things too quickly.  Also while you might be trying to impress her by acknowledging and then following through on the fact that she said she wants to see a guy she is dating twice a week, it's kind of one-sided in a way. There's almost no challenge there like you are trying too hard to be what she wants without just being what you are.  I'm not saying you should go out of your way to challenge someone or play games but she might not see you as valuable as you are if you don't have your own stuff going on and sort of just clear your schedule to make room for her in your life.  It's a little much and can be overwhelming.

As far as her almost indicating that it's "ok" because she texts you first--I wouldn't get it confused some girls will do that but it doesn't mean as much as you are interpreting it to mean (that part is to be seen with this girl)...i think you need to take the WHOLE actions into consideration--such as she will text you about silly insignificant stuff but holds back on making plans for the the next date or on flirtation/affection on the date. Meaning she is moving slower or maybe will not move in that direction at all.

As far as the church thing goes, to be fair if you are going this much and this often it's obviously a huge and important part of your life.  Compared to someone who goes only on holidays even if they are of the same faith, it just might not align with a lifestyle they can imagine in a romantic partner.  I'm not saying fight it or get into it yet, but I would certainly keep it at the back of my mind that it's a possible reason things might not work out. Could you imagine a romantic partner who did not share in your activity of going to church that much?  Could you imagine how it would be either to cut back on your churchgoing or do that activity without your partner?  Some things to consider.  I say that because she probably would be considering these elements.  

I can understand what you're saying and I appreciate your reply.

Bottom line is: Dating or not, I would rather have someone who didn't accept another date, then blow off the conversation once I try and make plans.  I mean say something.  Even if it was just a friend, people don't treat others that way.  How she is acting is just rude and childish.  I want someone who can communicate, and as open as she claims she is and as much as she claims she values honesty, she sure isn't showing it.  If she's not moving in that direction at all then she should let me know, and since she's not going to come out and say anything, her actions are telling me.  

We also had the church talk, and honestly it wasn't an issue for her.  She just said her dad would love me because I have those values.

Edited December 6, 2021 by Seymore

[Fox Sake]

2 hours ago, Seymore said:

That was the cue I took - I said screw it, I'm gonna call and ask one more time so she can't flake.  This was not even a minute after she said she was bored.  But she didn't answer.  And then she didn't answer the two texts I sent after. 

Honestly, I'm not doing that one more time.  It's starting to wane on me.  This morning she started making scrabble moves again but I'm not doing that either because honestly I'm not interested in being her entertainment.  If she's interested she can tell me, not play these childish games.  

Well, whatever happens now….Sounds like you just found your self respect and personal boundaries again. You didn’t have to get your heartbroken or embarrass yourself either. I think you’ve made an effort and it’s fair to say that now you can show your value by stopping the effort , because it’s not equal. 
 

You know , I learned something only myself the other day.  If someone likes you, you know. If someone doesn’t like you then you’re confused.  I’m not set on it’s validity yet,  but I’m struggling to think of a time it hasn’t been true …make of that what you will.