Can't seem to figure this girl out.

[Speedy79]

I met a girl 3 nights ago at a place I tend to go sometimes.  She introduced herself to me and we talked for a couple of hours.  She leaned pretty heavily on the fact that she was looking to date, so I asked if she wanted to go on one with me the next day, since I live about 20 miles away and was going to be in the area the next day anyway.  She said yes and gave me her number.  She had gone to the bathroom with another girl that was there and the other girl came out whispering to me that she likes me.  So I figured I had a chance.

I asked if I could drive her home and she said yes.  No funny business went on, which was a relief as I'm trying to get used to someone who moves more slowly.  My previous relationships moved super quickly.  

The next day she had texted me good morning, asking if we could keep the date later that evening (due to her job it was a 10pm date) to just an hour or two.  I said sure, that's fine.  The date ended up lasting over 4 hours, which I took as a good sign - I even asked her after 2 hours if she had to get home and she said no.  There wasn't a lot of flirting so I got a little worried, but she also said she wasn't a super huggy or overly touchy person. I don't think I got a single compliment from her.  She asked a couple of important things about me but it felt like I was asking most of the questions.

Anyway, I drove her home and asked if she'd like to go on another date in a few days.  She said yes and hugged me good night and asked me to text so she knows I got home ok - not a hugger and hugging me anyway, I figured that was pretty good, no?  She'd had a couple of drinks so I decided to reiterate the next day by texting her, asking her what her schedule looked like the next few days.  She basically said that she had to work tomorrow (today) for a little bit but was free the rest of the day.  I told her I have work I needed to have done by first thing Monday and then I go to church Sunday night, but asked if she was free Monday or Tuesday night.  No response.  

4 hours later I was out with some friends I had a previous commitment to and the sunset was gorgeous.  Just as I was thinking about her while looking at it, she had sent me a photo of it asking if I saw it too.  Totally disregarded my previous text.  But I took a photo and sent it back saying I was looking at it and thinking about her.  She sent a hug emoji back.  

I didn't get home until late and texted asking if she had scrabble on her phone.  She said no, but she could.  So we played scrabble for about an hour, chatting via the game, and I asked if she was home.  She said yes, so I asked if she'd like to chat via phone.  No reply, and 2 or 3 moves later she dropped off completely, I'm guessing she fell asleep.  

I'm kind of lost with this one.  I don't want to keep badgering her about the date but she answers one text about it, then ignores the other.  Tells me that she wants a guy that wants to see her on a regular basis every few days, says yes when I ask for another date, then flakes when I ask her when she's free. 

[Fox Sake]

Whilst there is still a lot of good signs here to go by , and trust me there are many. I noticed in your story (chronologically) that when you told her you were off to church Sunday night, she started not responding as much. 

Is there a chance this girl isn’t at all religious? Just a stab in the dark and it may be something you’ve already discussed and I’m completely wrong. She did send you the sunset after this had taken place, so I’m questioning that thought, but it could still be a possibility. 
 

You take control. Instead of asking her when she’s free next , why don’t you tell her that you’re free at xyz time on xyz day/night. Then if she can’t make it, it’s up to her to tell you when she is free. She said she wants someone to want her, to want to spend time with her and make the effort. 
 

I don’t see any red flags here yet. It’s too early days to say anything and your post has a lot of positive notes in it.  I took a big stab in the dark.
Just take your time, keep feeling each other out. she obviously had time for you. It’s only been 3 days …there’s only so many date plans you can make in that time and she can say no. Give things longer, take a breath, smile, stay calm, and I wish you all the very best of luck with this girl  take your time , stay positive and keep getting to know her at the pace you’re going.
 

She’s told you she wants a guy who makes the effort to see her regularly, so you just keep doing that and stay with your wits about you. Don’t let infatuation blind you to keeping your cool either. Have fun and please update this thread as you discover more

[Wiseman2]

She doesn't seem that interested, but instead of nonsense texts and playing word games, try one more time.

That means ask for a real date at a decent hour at a decent place and ask in advance.

She seems to be friendzoning you so try that. If it's still this nebulous nonsense, just move on.

[Fox Sake]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She doesn't seem that interested, but instead of nonsense texts and playing word games, try one more time.

That means ask for a real date at a decent hour at a decent place and ask in advance.

She seems to be friendzoning you so try that. If it's still this nebulous nonsense, just move on.

Do you not think it’s a little early to say she isn’t interested? I feel it is. It’s literally been only 3 days…they had 1 date!

I don’t think there’s been enough communication or dates yet to warrant “it’s gonna work/it’s not gonna work” outlook. It takes time to feel people out and it takes time for people to feel comfortable making themselves vulnerable. 3 days in I would still be guarded. 

[Girl Fade Away]

2 hours ago, Speedy79 said:

She basically said that she had to work tomorrow (today) for a little bit but was free the rest of the day.  I told her I have work I needed to have done by first thing Monday and then I go to church Sunday night, but asked if she was free Monday or Tuesday night.  No response.  

4 hours later I was out with some friends I had a previous commitment to and the sunset was gorgeous. 

So she was free rest of the day, and suggested to get together, you declined telling her you had work to do and Church BUT yet you were out 4 hours later with friends watching the sunset?  

Im confused.  Are YOU into her?  She may be wondering same. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Speedy79]

2 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

Is there a chance this girl isn’t at all religious? Just a stab in the dark and it may be something you’ve already discussed and I’m completely wrong. She did send you the sunset after this had taken place, so I’m questioning that thought, but it could still be a possibility. 

Thank you for your detailed reply!  She is, she just doesn't go to church aside from holidays. 

She just texted this morning asking if I had taken my turn in scrabble because it didn't show I did until this morning.  I mentioned I asked if she wanted to talk on the phone but got no reply and didn't see she made a move so I figured she went to sleep.  She just said yes she did fall asleep.  I'm almost tempted to be up front and ask if she got my text asking when she was free Monday and Tuesday night, or if she really isn't that interested. 

I have an idea for a real date at a real hour, as wiseman mentioned, but it would have to be on a weekend because she works late and during the week our dates can't start until around 10pm as I mentioned. 

So...

23 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

So she was free rest of the day, and suggested to get together later that day, you declined telling her you had work to do and Church BUT yet you were out 4 hours later with friends watching the sunset?  

Im confused.  Are YOU into her? 

If I drove 25-plus miles out to see her at 10pm, yep I'm into her.  I declined TODAY telling her I had work and church.  Last night I had plans with friends that I made before I even met the girl.

Edited December 5, 2021 by Speedy79

[Fox Sake]

40 minutes ago, Speedy79 said:

Thank you for your detailed reply!  She is, she just doesn't go to church aside from holidays. 

She just texted this morning asking if I had taken my turn in scrabble because it didn't show I did until this morning.  I mentioned I asked if she wanted to talk on the phone but got no reply and didn't see she made a move so I figured she went to sleep.  She just said yes she did fall asleep.  I'm almost tempted to be up front and ask if she got my text asking when she was free Monday and Tuesday night, or if she really isn't that interested. 

I have an idea for a real date at a real hour, as wiseman mentioned, but it would have to be on a weekend because she works late and during the week our dates can't start until around 10pm as I mentioned. 

So...

If I drove 25-plus miles out to see her at 10pm, yep I'm into her.  I declined TODAY telling her I had work and church.  Last night I had plans with friends that I made before I even met the girl.

Thanks for clearing that up. I wonder if that’s an issue for her? If she felt she would have to go with you every Sunday? As I said , big stab in the dark cos I really can’t think of or see any other reason.  
 

Instead of asking her for a call, next time just actually call her. If she doesn’t answer then don’t text, and wait for her to get back to you with either a message or returning the call. If you already have her the option for a date and got no reply, During the call when you next speak to her , ask when is she free next. Don’t text this. 
 

If she wasn’t interested then she wouldn’t reach out to you or be thinking of you.  She thought of you at the sunset , and then found an excuse to message you this morning too under the guise of scrabble. It’s still way early days. Find some raunchy scrabble words and keep it interesting! 

[Girl Fade Away]

55 minutes ago, Speedy79 said:

I declined TODAY telling her I had work and church.  Last night I had plans with friends that I made before I even met the girl.

OK fair enough.  I just took another read of your first post after apparently misreading the first time.  Thanks for the clarification.

I'm not sure what's up with this girl, but would advise against asking/confronting if she received your texts about Mon/Tues or asking if she is interested.  Seems pushy after only one date.  

You may have to live with a little uncertainty for awhile but in the meantime keep lines of communication open and try to relax about it.  Detach a bit.

Try to not force anything, let it play out naturally. The answers will come soon enough.  

Edited December 5, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Speedy79]

6 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Thanks for clearing that up. I wonder if that’s an issue for her? If she felt she would have to go with you every Sunday? As I said , big stab in the dark cos I really can’t think of or see any other reason.  

If she wasn’t interested then she wouldn’t reach out to you or be thinking of you.  She thought of you at the sunset , and then found an excuse to message you this morning too under the guise of scrabble. It’s still way early days. Find some raunchy scrabble words and keep it interesting! 

LOL thanks Fox, that makes me feel better.  I would think if church would be an issue, she would have said something.  She's been very forthcoming and an open book the entire time I've spoken to her.  I had just told her that it's something I need to do on Sundays so I don't like to give that up.  I'm not hugely religious myself but it's a short time I get to quiet my mind and learn to make myself a better person. 

 

4 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

OK fair enough.  I just took another read of your first post after apparently misreading the first time.  Thanks for the clarification.

I'm not sure what's up with this girl, but would advise against asking/confronting if she received your texts about Mon/Tues or asking if she is interested.  Seems pushy after only one date.  

You may have to live with a little uncertainty for awhile but in the meantime keep lines of communication open and try to relax about it.  Detach a bit.. The answers will come soon enough.  

I decided against confronting her and instead told her that I really would like to see her, and that I will try to get my work done early so that we can get together today, if she hasn't made plans by now. 

[Fox Sake]

6 minutes ago, Speedy79 said:

LOL thanks Fox, that makes me feel better.  I would think if church would be an issue, she would have said something.  She's been very forthcoming and an open book the entire time I've spoken to her.  I had just told her that it's something I need to do on Sundays so I don't like to give that up.  I'm not hugely religious myself but it's a short time I get to quiet my mind and learn to make myself a better person. 

 

I decided against confronting her and instead told her that I really would like to see her, and that I will try to get my work done early so that we can get together today, if she hasn't made plans by now. 

You just keep going the way you are and in a short space of time,  it will all become a lot more clear! 
I think you’re doing the right thing. You’re not playing any games, you’re making yourself vulnerable. It’s a good honest and open start to potential.  And hey,  as I like to say -through humility comes grace. So don’t be afraid of messing up. What’s for you won’t pass you by 

[ShyViolet]

I don't see what the problem is.  I think it's a bit premature to think she's not interested.  She does sound interested.  Just try one more time to ask her on a proper date, and see what she says.

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, Speedy79 said:

Tells me that she wants a guy that wants to see her on a regular basis every few days, says yes when I ask for another date, then flakes when I ask her when she's free. 

As the others suggest, ask her out on a specific date one more time. Frame it in such a way that, if she declines, the ball will be in her court. That's the wisest thing to do if you like her and don't want to regret not trying hard enough down the road.

Personally, though, I wouldn't do all that. I've never been a fan of flakiness, however mild. My automatic response to flakiness is to reduce my effort to match the other person's or, in extreme cases, to stop trying altogether. 

[dramafreezone]

You're moving too fast IMO.

You need balance in dating.  We all intuitively think that if some is good more must be better.  If she's responding to texts well at first then text more and it'll be even better.  If that first date went well let's schedule something in two days and it'll be even better.

Sugar is great in tea, but you can put too much in and ruin it.  You can put too little in and it just won't taste good.  You have to put just the right amount.  Dating is the same way, too much "sugar" will ruin this, trust me I've done what you're doing.

Back off and let her breathe.  She was interested at first but agree with @Wiseman2.  She's not interested *enough* to warrant all of this frequent communication, and I think you're dampening her enthusiasm to see you when you're going this quickly.

6 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

Do you not think it’s a little early to say she isn’t interested? I feel it is. It’s literally been only 3 days…they had 1 date!

 

He didn't say that she wasn't interested.  He said that she's not *That* interested.  I took that to mean she just wants to take things more slowly now, and the OP is moving too fast and appearing too eager.  He just met her and he's texting her every day, and she got the texts.  We all live with our phones attached to us, she read the texts and decided not to respond.   The fact that she's not responding let's us know that he needs to slow things down.

Edited December 5, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Speedy79 said:

I decided against confronting her and instead told her that I really would like to see her, and that I will try to get my work done early so that we can get together today, if she hasn't made plans by now. 

Last minute, lol. Why not plan in advance if you both have busy schedules?

[Fox Sake]

31 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

You're moving too fast IMO.

You need balance in dating.  We all intuitively think that if some is good more must be better.  If she's responding to texts well at first then text more and it'll be even better.  If that first date went well let's schedule something in two days and it'll be even better.

Sugar is great in tea, but you can put too much in and ruin it.  You can put too little in and it just won't taste good.  You have to put just the right amount.  Dating is the same way, too much "sugar" will ruin this, trust me I've done what you're doing.

Back off and let her breathe.  She was interested at first but agree with @Wiseman2.  She's not interested *enough* to warrant all of this frequent communication, and I think you're dampening her enthusiasm to see you when you're going this quickly.

He didn't say that she wasn't interested.  He said that she's not *That* interested.  I took that to mean she just wants to take things more slowly now, and the OP is moving too fast and appearing too eager.  He just met her and he's texting her every day, and she got the texts.  We all live with our phones attached to us, she read the texts and decided not to respond.   The fact that she's not responding let's us know that he needs to slow things down.

We all read things differently. That’s the problem with text!

I read the thing as a whole, and they way I perceived it , it would have likely filled the OP with a sense of unnecessary dread and doubt, when it’s too early to say he’s just getting friend zoned and she’s probably not interested. It’s literally just starting. 

If someone is quite sensitive, that can be a damaging mindset to suddenly take on and can make people panic. When they panic they usually fight or flight. So glass half full is the best approach until proven it’s empty, or if there’s even a glass there at all.  If you get what I mean?! I don’t know if that even makes sense

 

I agree with everything else tho! 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Fox Sake
Add a bit to say I didn’t disagree with the rest of it

[Speedy79]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Last minute, lol. Why not plan in advance if you both have busy schedules?

As I mentioned earlier, I tried to. 

She said on our first date that when she sees a new person, she likes to go out with them a couple of times a week and she likes to know the guy can make time for her. 

When I dropped her off after the first date and asked her on a second, she said yes.  I asked yesterday what her schedule was the next few days and she told me she was free today.  I already had plans but asked her about Monday or Tuesday, which she ignored.  Then she texted me a pic of the sunset hours later so I figured she still thought of me. 

I told her this morning that if she's still free I may be able to finish my work early and we can go out before I have church, so I feel I am making the effort to try and see her. She asked when church was, I said 6pm and now it's been hours with no response again. 

Was it last minute?  Yes, but I also tried planning in advance for further in the week and asked what her schedule was, and she didn't reply.  I also didn't want to plan too soon, as I already spent Thursday and Friday evening with her.  

I already had an idea for next weekend planned out but I didn't want to wait that long because of what she had said about not waiting a whole week to see someone again.  And barely anywhere is open after 10pm during the week which makes it hard to plan a proper date. 

As for overdoing it texting her, she usually initiates the texting.  When she just leaves it hanging I leave it alone.  I just feel like I keep getting mixed messages.  Ignores my text for hours, sends me a photo which makes me think she's thinking of me, then ignores my text again. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Speedy79

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Speedy79 said:

I just feel like I keep getting mixed messages.  Ignores my text for hours

Ok she is probably texting everyone under the sun all day long. Don't get wrapped up in text response times.

Also keep in mind she is probably dating around. She also seems a bit flakey.

But see if you can get together, see how it goes. If it's too flaky and chaotic, just move forward.

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

I read the thing as a whole, and they way I perceived it , it would have likely filled the OP with a sense of unnecessary dread and doubt, when it’s too early to say he’s just getting friend zoned and she’s probably not interested. It’s literally just starting. 

 

I think he is headed towards the Friendzone though.    That is unless he changes the trajectory.

Interest is like the stock market, it goes up and down, it's usually not at a set point.  His stock was up a few days ago, now I think it's plummeting a bit.  It plummets too low, then he's in the friendzone.

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

If someone is quite sensitive, that can be a damaging mindset to suddenly take on and can make people panic. When they panic they usually fight or flight. So glass half full is the best approach until proven it’s empty, or if there’s even a glass there at all.  If you get what I mean?! I don’t know if that even makes sense

 

I get it, but I don't want to tell him everything is great either, when I see him making some mistakes that I've made in his place. 

I think the solution here is easy, all he has to do is back off a bit.  She already likes him.  Just let it breathe, I think he's smothering the flame instead of fanning it.

Sometimes women aren't that complicated, they tell you through their actions what's going on.  If she's not responding to your texts, then she doesn't want to talk to you.  It's simple.  So no need to do anything extra to try to force it.  She will reach out if when she's ready to hit the ball back across the net.

[smackie9]

So your other relationships in the past moved pretty quickly...well this girl is obviously not doing that. She's taking her time to get to know you because you are total stranger. She's not the type to just dive in and start buttering you up with heavy flirting and compliments. Don't spend time texting, chatting on the phone, etc. Keep it low key, and simply ask her out on dates. Slow your roll.

[Speedy79]

11 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

 

I get it, but I don't want to tell him everything is great either, when I see him making some mistakes that I've made in his place. 

I think the solution here is easy, all he has to do is back off a bit.  She already likes him.  Just let it breathe, I think he's smothering the flame instead of fanning it.

Sometimes women aren't that complicated, they tell you through their actions what's going on.  If she's not responding to your texts, then she doesn't want to talk to you.  It's simple.  So no need to do anything extra to try to force it.  She will reach out if when she's ready to hit the ball back across the net.

I guess I just misinterpreted her.  I respond when she texts, I try to make plans and she responds a bit then flakes.  Rinse and repeat. 

I tried - I tried to set up plans for during the week, I tried rearranging my schedule to accomodate when she's free, that's all I can do.  I'll just go about things and until she wants to move forward, she knows how to reach me. 

[Speedy79]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

So your other relationships in the past moved pretty quickly...well this girl is obviously not doing that. She's taking her time to get to know you because you are total stranger. She's not the type to just dive in and start buttering you up with heavy flirting and compliments. Don't spend time texting, chatting on the phone, etc. Keep it low key, and simply ask her out on dates. Slow your roll.

SHE is the one initiating texting, usually.  This is what I'm saying.  Very first morning after we met she was texting good morning, are you at work, hows your day etc and we went back and forth.  Then she pulled back and I didn't bombard her or anything when she did.  Then she started again and pulled back. 

I'm *really* glad she's not moving quickly, I'd just like to know what her speed is because it feels mixed. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Speedy79

[Speedy79]

Well, she texted apologizing.  She was at work when she saw my text and by the time she got off she realized she never replied. 

[Fox Sake]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

I think he is headed towards the Friendzone though.    That is unless he changes the trajectory.

Interest is like the stock market, it goes up and down, it's usually not at a set point.  His stock was up a few days ago, now I think it's plummeting a bit.  It plummets too low, then he's in the friendzone.

I get it, but I don't want to tell him everything is great either, when I see him making some mistakes that I've made in his place. 

I think the solution here is easy, all he has to do is back off a bit.  She already likes him.  Just let it breathe, I think he's smothering the flame instead of fanning it.

Sometimes women aren't that complicated, they tell you through their actions what's going on.  If she's not responding to your texts, then she doesn't want to talk to you.  It's simple.  So no need to do anything extra to try to force it.  She will reach out if when she's ready to hit the ball back across the net.

It’s all good, I totally agree with everything you’ve said. I’m sure I said something along similar lines. I just took a different approach   I think we are all saying the same thing. 
The only thing I didn’t agree with was how we interpreted Wisemans post, but that’s not really here nor there and is just down to how I read it and not necessarily his intention. 

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Speedy79 said:

I guess I just misinterpreted her.  I respond when she texts, I try to make plans and she responds a bit then flakes.  Rinse and repeat. 

I tried - I tried to set up plans for during the week, I tried rearranging my schedule to accomodate when she's free, that's all I can do.  I'll just go about things and until she wants to move forward, she knows how to reach me. 

She likes you.  She. Likes. You.  Relax!  Stop trying so hard. 

If she was crazy about you, then what you're doing would be fine, but by her actions she's telling you that what you're doing is a bit too much right now.

Stop being so available, so accomodating.  That doesn't mean turn into a cold jerk, just back off and stop planning around her. 

Why are you rearranging your schedule?  It's not like your mom is coming into town, you barely know this person.  She's not rearranging her schedule for you.

Others have mentioned, set a firm date, "when are you free to get together?"  Once she gives you a day that she's free, make a date, not just a suggestion but actual plans, meet here at such-and-such a time, on this day. 

If plans are not confirmed, then it's not a flake.  Her communication is iffy because her interest is there but it's not that high.  Someone else mentioned that she's probably seeing other guys and that's probably true, which is why setting definite plans is important.  You'll have more clarity on where you actually stand.

Edited December 5, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Alpacalia]

When was the last time you asked her out on a date? I think it is only fair to give her plenty of time to make her decision. If she didn't react straight away, it's possible she's still considering it or isn't sure she's okay with it.

In any case, as long as you're coming from a position of compassion and understanding, offering to hear her thoughts, don't be afraid to follow up and receive your answer. Of course, if she doesn't respond after that, you should drop it.