Am I thinking too much if shes makes more and lives in a different lifestyle? how to overcome it?

[lioil]

So we haven't met yet (supposed to be this weekend but she had to go help client) so we are planning to next weekend. She loves to chat and we chatted a lot this week about her relationship and lifestyle. Frankly after talking to her I don't know I can satisfy her financially even though she never said she expects anything out of it. Some background:

Her:

She herself makes a lot of money. She shops Burbury, hermes, chanel, gucci.

Her ex:

Apparently he cheated on her because he felt insecure. She says she goes to a lot of parties and her friend circle is quite wealthy. She always invites him but he felt he didn't fit in with that crowd. He gets mad at her thinking she's cheating on him. She did say the most she did was maybe flirt but always comes home early to ease his mind. One time she wasnt nice to him and he accused her of cheating for no reason. I did tell her what I would do and said straightout that I probably wont fit in either (just IT guy) but since we are exclusive I wouldn't doubt her especially I made conscious choice of not going to those events. She said relationship is built on trust and breaking up made her realize she wants a "soulmate" someone who understands her.

House:

so while scheduling our date I offered to pick her up and she said she can pick me up too then asked if there's a swimming pool at my villa. I said I live in a townhouse and she said "it must not be that expensive". I did say it was 700kish and said since i am living alone i don't want to get anything big. She said her place is even bigger than mine. She asked what I do if i get married with house and then said she wants a big single family home. I did say that's my goal too but it comes down to what the finances are and timing at that time. I said I could rent my townhouse out or sell it. She said I could rent it out and we could get a new house. She says it is both decision and she doesnt want to pressure the other. She said if the other really wants to get something before or do a prenup she's fine with it too but it would sour the relationship in her opinion. She did add if the other doesnt have the means and if she loves him very much she can buy it herself or start living in what they have then go from there as long as both agrees. I asked her if this is one of the insecurities her ex had and she said he felt insecure but its all in his head then went on about the other reasons..

 

I am really kind of lost in here. I make decent money(~200k) but if she wants a chanel bag i probably need to put on a 0% card frankly but she has been consistently mentioning she never asked her bf for anything since she can afford it herself and she did say her monthly expenditures is not something a normal person can support but she makes good money so it doesn't matter. She does enjoy talking to me and I am actually surprised she talks this much before even meeting - maybe she is trying to figure out what kind of person i am before meeting to not waste her time? I mean she did share a lot of her history with me and says she is very straightforward and doesn't like to lie because it just keeps building and I feel she is engaging in our conversations. She did say she like my sense of humor and i look dependable. I know we haven't even gone on a date yet so this could end up being nothing but I am curious if it goes well what kind of rabbit hole i am going down and what i should do.

I guess maybe this is what caused her ex to think? He can't buy her super expensive items (not that she asked but maybe that in itself makes one feel insecure?) and doesn't fit in her circle of friends even though she didnt seem to mind? She did say she wanted him to be more reliable and improve himself more.

 

Edited December 5, 2021 by lioil

[ShyViolet]

What on earth are you doing discussing marriage, what kind of house to buy together, and whether to get a prenup, with a person you haven't even gone on a first date with yet?  That is just not normal and not appropriate.  Frankly, it's a red flag that she's taking about this stuff before even meeting in person.  

She sounds incredibly shallow, and also to be honest, quite rude.  She made snarky comments about your house (it must not be that expensive... my house is bigger).  I would run from this woman.  Who needs this?

[basil67]

You haven't even met her and she's already badmouthing her ex?   Ewwww.  

 

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like a scammer or catfish. Lots of name-dropping nouveau-riche nonsense. Meet in public for a brief coffee . Remember. You want to come back with both your kidneys.

Edited December 5, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

Smells like a catfish to me too.

She wants to pick you up because she doesn't want you to see the dump she lives in.

If indeed she is wealthy she is then pretty shallow.  If l had acces to that type of money l would make the world a better place, help animal shelters, donate to school breakfasts, etc. 

What type of work she does that she has to go "help clients? Doesn't sound like the type of work that would allow her to purchase a Hermès bag. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Gaeta

[Girl Fade Away]

11 hours ago, lioil said:

She herself makes a lot of money. She shops Burbury, hermes, chanel, gucci.

Agree with others and would stay away.from any woman who feels the need to mention such things to you or ask you any of the other totally inappropriate questions especially before you have.even met!

Not sure if catfish but incredibly shallow nearly beyond belief. If I may ask, what is it you find appealing about any of this?

Instead of worrying if YOU can satisfy her monetarily and materially, ask yourself why you are attracted to such a superficial person.  

[Fox Sake]

14 hours ago, lioil said:

So we haven't met yet (supposed to be this weekend but she had to go help client) so we are planning to next weekend. She loves to chat and we chatted a lot this week about her relationship and lifestyle. Frankly after talking to her I don't know I can satisfy her financially even though she never said she expects anything out of it. Some background:

Her:

She herself makes a lot of money. She shops Burbury, hermes, chanel, gucci.

Her ex:

Apparently he cheated on her because he felt insecure. She says she goes to a lot of parties and her friend circle is quite wealthy. She always invites him but he felt he didn't fit in with that crowd. He gets mad at her thinking she's cheating on him. She did say the most she did was maybe flirt but always comes home early to ease his mind. One time she wasnt nice to him and he accused her of cheating for no reason. I did tell her what I would do and said straightout that I probably wont fit in either (just IT guy) but since we are exclusive I wouldn't doubt her especially I made conscious choice of not going to those events. She said relationship is built on trust and breaking up made her realize she wants a "soulmate" someone who understands her.

House:

so while scheduling our date I offered to pick her up and she said she can pick me up too then asked if there's a swimming pool at my villa. I said I live in a townhouse and she said "it must not be that expensive". I did say it was 700kish and said since i am living alone i don't want to get anything big. She said her place is even bigger than mine. She asked what I do if i get married with house and then said she wants a big single family home. I did say that's my goal too but it comes down to what the finances are and timing at that time. I said I could rent my townhouse out or sell it. She said I could rent it out and we could get a new house. She says it is both decision and she doesnt want to pressure the other. She said if the other really wants to get something before or do a prenup she's fine with it too but it would sour the relationship in her opinion. She did add if the other doesnt have the means and if she loves him very much she can buy it herself or start living in what they have then go from there as long as both agrees. I asked her if this is one of the insecurities her ex had and she said he felt insecure but its all in his head then went on about the other reasons..

 

I am really kind of lost in here. I make decent money(~200k) but if she wants a chanel bag i probably need to put on a 0% card frankly but she has been consistently mentioning she never asked her bf for anything since she can afford it herself and she did say her monthly expenditures is not something a normal person can support but she makes good money so it doesn't matter. She does enjoy talking to me and I am actually surprised she talks this much before even meeting - maybe she is trying to figure out what kind of person i am before meeting to not waste her time? I mean she did share a lot of her history with me and says she is very straightforward and doesn't like to lie because it just keeps building and I feel she is engaging in our conversations. She did say she like my sense of humor and i look dependable. I know we haven't even gone on a date yet so this could end up being nothing but I am curious if it goes well what kind of rabbit hole i am going down and what i should do.

I guess maybe this is what caused her ex to think? He can't buy her super expensive items (not that she asked but maybe that in itself makes one feel insecure?) and doesn't fit in her circle of friends even though she didnt seem to mind? She did say she wanted him to be more reliable and improve himself more.

 

Have you had a video chat yet?
Phone call? Or has this all been over text?
 

That would probably help to know before shouting she’s a catfish… but yeah, sketchy conversations. 
 

Why all the talk about money? The only rabbit hole you’re going down right now is focusing on what you don’t have instead of focusing on what you bring as a person. That goes for this girl or anyone else who makes more than you. 

[smackie9]

Ya I agree...this smells fishy to me. You know what, don't spend a dime. Let her spend the money on you. Maybe she wants to slum it and likes some strange from the other side of the tracks. See if you can take advantage of this yourself.

[lioil]

I have exchanged pictures and did a video chat. I think it wasn't bad mouthing her ex it was more I asked her about it when she asked me my longest relationship.  Since hers was 4 years I asked why and she mentioned it.

 

But she is a lawyer so I guess she has to dress the part. Even just tonight she was asking me on opinions of couple Chanel bags and she bought them all. She says money is there to be spent. She does seem like a nice person to talk to and she says she likes talking to me because she has to think what her coworkers and clients say if there are hidden meanings. But with me she can be straight and feels comfortable. 

I mean there are quite a number of women making more than men so would this be an insecurity thing where if she can afford the items with her own money who am I to say no to that? Yeah I might feel i can't give her monetary equivalent of items but if thats not what she wants then wouldn't that be fine too?

[Gaeta]

She sounds like a irresponsible spender. Lawyers are comfortable but don't make that much money unless they are with a big reputable firm. Over here anyway. Young lawyer may start at 50K a year. She may have a lot of credit cards though, that she enjoys topping. 

It's more than fine she dates men making less than her. 

Aren't you annoyed at her pointing to you how much she makes money and how she'll spend it carelessly because she can?  How old is she? 

[Pumpernickel]

2 hours ago, lioil said:

mean there are quite a number of women making more than men so would this be an insecurity thing where if she can afford the items with her own money who am I to say no to that?

Many women do indeed make more $$ than men, but doesn’t the bragging turn you off?

[lioil]

Just now, Pumpernickel said:

Many women do indeed make more $$ than men, but doesn’t the bragging turn you off?

That's the thing.. I don't think she is bragging but more like that's her way of spending money.  If I make as much as her would what she said be bragging or "normal talk"? But you might be right but I even asked her if salary matters and she said no. She said we do have similar investing strategies which she likes. She also chat with me a lot which idk why she would if she's not somewhat interested? 

 

I do agree I am a bit intimidated by her spending habits but its within her means. If guys make a lot of money they probably buy a better car vs women on bags. I will try put my best foot forward on our date and see how it goes. Maybe she doesn't like how I treat her on the date and it could be over. I will try to kiss her though because I feel we have chatted so much we are not really total strangers like on a first date. I never chatted that long with anyone before...usually my dates answer my text a day later not like how she just keeps going. 

[lioil]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

She sounds like a irresponsible spender. Lawyers are comfortable but don't make that much money unless they are with a big reputable firm. Over here anyway. Young lawyer may start at 50K a year. She may have a lot of credit cards though, that she enjoys topping. 

It's more than fine she dates men making less than her. 

Aren't you annoyed at her pointing to you how much she makes money and how she'll spend it carelessly because she can?  How old is she? 

She is 30. I don't think she makes 50k.. she said she does corporate law? she said she put 30k into crypto recently and it is very stable revenue stream. Apparently its through USDT which is basically 1$ usd. I don't see reason for her to lie to me and I won't be buying her anything expensive for sure anytime soon. Its not like I am a millionaire she can rip off of lol. 

[Cersei]

She is either an obnoxious bragger or a complete liar, neither of which is good. I would be completely turned off by someone like this. Can you honestly say this is someone you picture yourself with? Run!

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, lioil said:

I have exchanged pictures and did a video chat. I think it wasn't bad mouthing her ex it was more I asked her about it when she asked me my longest relationship.  Since hers was 4 years I asked why and she mentioned it.

She was badmouthing her ex. She didn't have to answer the question in that amount of detail. We normally give vague answers that indicate we've moved on when asked those kinds of questions at this stage. We don't start laying out the person's flaws one by one.

4 hours ago, lioil said:

That's the thing.. I don't think she is bragging but more like that's her way of spending money.  If I make as much as her would what she said be bragging or "normal talk"? But you might be right but I even asked her if salary matters and she said no. 

And she was bragging. The amount of detail she provided was above and beyond anything necessary or reasonable at this stage. In addition, the tone indicates she's bragging.

Amazingly, you've not even had a date and she's telling you all this private stuff that would make her vulnerable to being conned if it were true. She's also framing it in a way that would make most guys feel like they couldn't measure up.

Also, her telling you that she's more comfortable talking to you than anyone else... I think it creates a false sense of intimacy and trust. It sounds like she's buttering you up, manipulating you.

So my conclusion is that she's lying or she's shallow or she's very highly insecure (or maybe all). Whatever the case, I'd strongly advise that you don't waste more time on her. She's actually given you an easy out: you can tell her you're not comfortable dating a woman who makes that much money. 

[glows]

It's not her spending or what she spends on, OP. It's the way she seems fixated about it before having met you like that's the only thing she's interested in in life. It's a lot of disproportionate emphasis on wealth. That fixation seems unhealthy. In the process she also undercuts you or devalues you and what you have or what you love (discussing your property value). I don't know anyone personally who has the means and talks like this or puts others down. Even if a person has the money, there are so many other important things in a relationship or when getting to know someone that are of higher priority. The way she speaks about her ex is disrespectful also. There's no reason to ever discuss an ex at this point of your conversation/getting to know one another.

To add to this, you both haven't even met in person. I agree that she seems like a scammer and my first thought was catfish. If she isn't, perhaps she feels the need to compete with her associates or circle of friends. Again, that fixation is alarming.

Be a little more careful here and please take the warnings from so many of the other members. 

[Wiseman2]

Meet for a coffee . Stop talking about your finances. Do not "invest" money in her ideas.

[Maldives]

Sounds like a scammer be careful giving out any personal info. If she asks for your WhatsApp run lol 

[JRabbit]

100% scam...

You said you make over $200k annual? I doubt she makes more than you if she is a young lawyer. Regardless, you have never met this person, planning your life with them is not healthy. You have no idea who they are or their values or anything. One step at a time.

These are very strange and abnormal conversations for a woman to have with a man she has only chatted to online. I understand you want this to be legit but there is a very very slim chance this is a good idea.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

It’s odd to talk about financial thinks before meeting.  I get asking about if you live in a house or townhouse/ condo and asking about a 5 yr plan on things like wanting a family or large house.

 

her lifestyle could be driven by family wealth that she has.

 

lifestyle matching is important in a relationship.  You should have similar interests.  You don’t have to be a 100% match on interests but some bigger ones you should match on.

 

she could be big or want to be big in the area arts society so she goes to a bunch of functions and possibly volunteers with it OT has a side job on some board.  So she puts in 10+ hrs a week into this which is a big deal.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, JRabbit said:

100% scam...

I agree. What woman in her right mind will brag to an Internet stranger that she has more money than she can spend.

[Alvi]

Ok, let's assume that everything that she has told you so far is the truth. A big if, as lots of people lie or misrepresent themselves on-line. But even if she was completely honest about herself, that means that there are like a hundred red flags here. What else is wrong? Oh, wait, the two of you haven't actually met yet.

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

agree. What woman in her right mind will brag to an Internet stranger that she has more money than she can spend.

Yes, agree completely. Who in their right mind does this:

• Tells a complete stranger how much money she makes.
• Tells a complete stranger how she invests her money.
• Talks to a complete stranger about her shopping habits, the amount of money that she spends shopping. Mentions very expensive places where she likes to shop.
• Overshares way more than necessary about her ex cheating on her. Talks about her exes' insecurities (who cares about her ex? lol). f everything else is true, this alone is a huge red flag.
• Tells a complete stranger that the money is there to be spend.
• Asks what a complete stranger thinks about about a super expensive Chanel bag that she bought.
• Brags about her super big house.
• Criticises  a complete stranger that he doesn't make as much money as she does and tells him that her house is bigger than his.
• Wants to pick up a complete stranger for a date rather than to meet him in a safe public place.
• Tells a complete stranger that he would have to sell or rent his house if they get married.
• Tells a complete stranger that she doesn't mind buying a house for them to live in.
• Talks about a prenup with a complete stranger. 
• Tells a complete stranger that he looks dependable. How on earth can you call someone you've never met in a real life dependable? How off can her judgement actually be???

Did I miss anything? Something is off, way off here. Even if she is completely honest with you, SHE IS NUTS. 

But I am guessing she is super hot. Otherwise, why are you not running like your hair was on fire?

Edited December 7, 2021 by Alvi

[Girl Fade Away]

OP, if you don't consider it bragging (I do) then she is extremely status conscious and for some reason wants you to know that.  Hence the mentioning of all the designer handbags, etc.   

On 12/5/2021 at 4:26 PM, lioil said:

Even just tonight she was asking me on opinions of couple Chanel bags and she bought them all..

This is NOT a question a woman asks a man whom she is attracted to and wishes to date or even considering to date.  No way Jose.    It's what a woman asks her female friends.  She's turning you into her male BFF! 

I asked this earlier on another thread, but what in the world do you find appealing about ANY of this?  I mean to each his own, we all have different tastes and styles but this woman's behavior is nearly beyond belief.  And it does not matter what she does for a living, she could be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company who rakes in a million plus a year, mentioning she shops Burberry, Hermes, Chanel, Gucci and asking your opinion of the Chanel bags she just purchased goes beyond the pale of decent behavior imo and if the roles were flipped and a man I was considering dating was THIS status conscious and obsessed with designer anything and felt it necessary to tell me especially before we even met, he would be history.   Huge NEXT.

But again to each his own, if this turns you on, so be.  I wish you luck.

Edited December 7, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

9 minutes ago, Alvi said:

But I am guessing she is super hot.

That would be my best guess....