timble9 Posted December 4, 2021 Posted December 4, 2021 It's been 4 months now and I'm still not really over it. She broke up with her boyfriend and immediately flocked to me. I wasn't even interested in her to being with...I just liked her as a friend and liked spending time with her, but then she made a move on me and we slept together. We spent everyday together for a month, had a lot of sex and I began to get "attached". And then out of nowhere, she ghosts me for a week without an explanation and I find out from our friends that she got back together with her ex. She kept me in her orbit and I haven't been able to escape it. She messages me and snapchats me everyday as if nothing has changed, the only difference is she doesn't spend any time alone with me anymore. I try to distance myself from her but we share the same social circle and every time I ignore her, she just keeps messaging me until I reply because I don't want to be rude. Now her and her ex have broken up again and I can't stop "hoping" that she'll come back, even though she treated me horribly by basically love bombing me and not showing any remorse or even giving me an explanation as to why she did this. I keep thinking that I'm not good enough...because if they've broken up again, why does she just see me as a friend still? I've been through several break-ups in the past, but this seems so difficult to move on from. Since it ended, my life has improved so much - I got a promotion at work, I've started new hobbies, I've made lots of new friends and I've been seeing other girls. And just when I think I've gotten over her she manages to reel me back in. I disregard the opportunities I have with other girls in favor of her...and she gives me nothing. I'm left feeling down and frustrated as to why I can't just cut her off completely and move on with my life. What is wrong with me?
Wiseman2 Posted December 4, 2021 Posted December 4, 2021 1 hour ago, timble9 said: why I can't just cut her off completely and move on with my life. You have nothing but horrible things to say about her. Accusing her of just about every egregious thing you can find. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. It's that simple. 2
Gaeta Posted December 4, 2021 Posted December 4, 2021 You can't move on because you don't get rid of her. Block her everywhere!! 2
Author timble9 Posted December 4, 2021 Author Posted December 4, 2021 It's just really hard to "get rid of her" by blocking and deleting her everywhere, I feel like I have to be cautious. I work in a very small town in a female dominated industry and 90% of my friends are therefore female and are also friends with her. I can't help thinking that if I block her for no "valid" reason other than the fact that I can't really be friends with her because of our history, everyone will turn against me and I'll feel very alone.
Fox Sake Posted December 4, 2021 Posted December 4, 2021 26 minutes ago, timble9 said: It's just really hard to "get rid of her" by blocking and deleting her everywhere, I feel like I have to be cautious. I work in a very small town in a female dominated industry and 90% of my friends are therefore female and are also friends with her. I can't help thinking that if I block her for no "valid" reason other than the fact that I can't really be friends with her because of our history, everyone will turn against me and I'll feel very alone. Your valid reason is so YOU can get your head together and move on. You’re busy wondering about what her friends will think of you because you’re hurt?! You’re looking at it the wrong way . If I was her, I would be worrying what my friends thought of me because I used you as an emotional crutch and an ego boost, then left you in the dirt for an ex. So she’s keeping you in orbit to do the “no hard feelings”. good lesson here for you - never ever ever ever ever get involved with someone you like if they have just come out of a relationship. You got used. You need to realise you’re worth better treatment than this. Why are you pining for someone that is so unstable and fickle? This girl is miles away from being ready for a relationship. 2
Fox Sake Posted December 4, 2021 Posted December 4, 2021 Really tho man, the best thing you can do right now is realise you’re worth more. You need to realise that you shouldn’t ever make anyone a priority who only makes you an option. You are only devaluing yourself in those moments. Get your power back. Get your self respect back. Resent her for hurting your feelings and not caring enough about your heart, cos those feelings will get you over your pining for her. That resentment will hopefully after a few days, lead you down a path of indifference when you realise “I’m not gonna let anyone play me like that. I have value” 1
Calmandfocused Posted December 4, 2021 Posted December 4, 2021 Sounds like your life has took a turn for the better since she left you. That should tell you something. Look the heart wants what the heart wants. I get it. But your feelings for you are not helping you at the moment. Plus I sense that it’s not the “loving her” that you’re struggling with, it’s the fact she used you, rejected you and went back to her ex. That’s gonna hurt, I get it. However; You must do what’s right for you and that is not based on how you feel. If you let her go, and stop communicating with her you are giving yourself a fighting chance to recover. Id also recommend that you stop dating other women for a while. This is not helping you. btw, no friend ever rejected another friend because they’re doing what they need to do to recover from a relationship breakdown . I think you’re catastrophising there. 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 4, 2021 Posted December 4, 2021 4 hours ago, timble9 said: I feel like I have to... I can't help thinking that if... These are unfounded fears. You have your profession, your managers, employer, colleagues and friends and family. She does not run the profession, workplace or the town. You know this. Delete and block her for, yes, a valid reason. It's over. 3
dramafreezone Posted December 4, 2021 Posted December 4, 2021 (edited) There are differing opinions on how to handle someone that you've broken up with. I'm not an advocate of deleting and blocking. It gives that person too much power, as if I have a spending problem and I have to cut up all of my credit cards to avoid temptation. You have to handle the root issue, which is your self-esteem. You need to begin to believe that you deserve more than what this person is giving. Just keep the communication between you brief. if she calls, be polite and talk for 2-3 minutes then say you have to get back to work or to whatever. She can't accuse you of being rude, but you're not her BF so she's not entitled to more attention. Edited December 4, 2021 by dramafreezone
Foxhall Posted December 4, 2021 Posted December 4, 2021 9 hours ago, timble9 said: Since it ended, my life has improved so much - I got a promotion at work, I've started new hobbies, I've made lots of new friends and I've been seeing other girls. I know a pal of mine would always say, the time you spent with this girl was the trigger you needed for all of the above, she has given you the kickstart you needed, all good therefore, you can move on now with this new found confidence. no need to view her in a negative light.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 4, 2021 Posted December 4, 2021 People will understand why you block her. What they wouldn't understand, what would harm your status among these women, would be you deliberately going out of your way to harm this woman or spread bad rumors about her. But for protecting yourself, dude--people undertand that. Blocking is defensive, not offensive. We spent everyday together for a month, had a lot of sex and I began to get "attached". This is your problem right here. This was a dream-bubble that was going to burst within days ... You got lost in this dream-bubble and was caught unprepared for her ghosting. But conflict was coming anyway. You can't go much 30 days of seeing each other everyday and having sex all the time. In other words, your time with her wasn't really real. It was a hormonally induced high. That high was going to end. You want to next time realize you are in an artificial high. 1
ShyViolet Posted December 4, 2021 Posted December 4, 2021 10 hours ago, timble9 said: She kept me in her orbit and I haven't been able to escape it. She messages me and snapchats me everyday as if nothing has changed, the only difference is she doesn't spend any time alone with me anymore. I try to distance myself from her but we share the same social circle and every time I ignore her, she just keeps messaging me until I reply because I don't want to be rude. THIS right here is the reason for all your problems. You are allowing her to "keep you in her orbit" and message you every day, basically stringing you along. You're not letting yourself put a clean end to this so you can get over it. Stop being her doormat. WHO CARES if it comes off rude? Why was she allowed to be rude by ghosting you, but you're not allowed to be a little rude back to her? Grow a spine and tell her that you can't be friends with her anymore, and for her to please not message you anymore.
ccas93 Posted December 4, 2021 Posted December 4, 2021 6 hours ago, timble9 said: It's just really hard to "get rid of her" by blocking and deleting her everywhere, I feel like I have to be cautious. I work in a very small town in a female dominated industry and 90% of my friends are therefore female and are also friends with her. I can't help thinking that if I block her for no "valid" reason other than the fact that I can't really be friends with her because of our history, everyone will turn against me and I'll feel very alone. Everyone will turn on you because you exercised some self respect and got rid of a toxic person from your life? Sounds like a town out of a horror movie, I suggest moving. 5
smackie9 Posted December 4, 2021 Posted December 4, 2021 (edited) Ya I agree with above post....grow some and you will earn a lot of self respect from people. Having self respect is very attractive to women. Edited December 4, 2021 by smackie9
Author timble9 Posted December 4, 2021 Author Posted December 4, 2021 Thanks for the replies everyone. I guess the main problem is that she has always maintained contact with me and has remained flirty - often sending me innuendos and messages that remind me of the time when we were together sexually. This gave me hope and made me think that she was missing what we had and wanted to rekindle things. She had to relocate to a different location a few hours away from our primary work site recently and had been really struggling with stress/loneliness, but I let her know that she still had people nearby who cared about her and stayed in touch to cheer her up. When she finally came back to visit last week, it was a huge slap in the face. She didn't even make the time to come and catch up with me in person - I asked her to come and hang out with me and she just made up excuses saying she was busy with logistical things, but then was posting pictures of her at a bar with people she isn't even good friends with. I just feel even more "used" now than I did initially when she used me for sex and company for a month. All she has ever done is taken from me and never given anything back and yet I've always made excuses for her behavior and thought that it was maybe something I was doing wrong. The good thing is, this last slap in the face really triggered me and put things into perspective. I'm just someone she has been using when she feels lonely, upset or bored, because I give her attention, validation and generally make her feel good about herself. But really, she doesn't care about me at all. If she is willing to spend time with people who forgot/didn't care that she even left to begin with and won't bat an eye when she leaves again, but then won't even make 5 minutes for someone who genuinely cares about her and missed her then I don't even know what to say. I've just never really come across a person like this before and it just blew my mind that someone like this could exist, because on the surface she seems like a really lovely girl and our mutual friends talk up how good of a person she is. It's just always made me think that it's me that has been doing something wrong and so I make excuses for her behavior, but I won't be doing it anymore.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 OK, you got some malware in your dating software here. You need to run some antivirus to quarantine and delete. This statement is pathetic--and I mean this literally, not just as an insult. I just feel even more "used" now than I did initially when she used me for sex and company for a month. This is major malware here. You're an adult. You are responsible for vetting people. You are responsible for finding a pace of things that feels safe and is safe. She used you for sex? Puh-lease! You have given up all agency, all power. Your complaint only works if you did not enjoy the sex. But if you did not enjoy the sex--for yourself--then you had no business sleeping with her. Next time YOU have to decide whether someone is worthy of spending time with. Just because the other person is nice and wants to have sex doesn't mean you give your heart to them. If you're going to have sex and allow things to go fast--and push them there--then you have to acknowledge the risks. The faster you go, the more the risk. The less the commitment and depth, the more the risk. You're writing like a naive in-love teenager who had sex with a 40 year-old. You thought sex meant love. But you aren't a teenager. Time to for you to know this. And also time for you to know yourself. 3
Wiseman2 Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 She's not "using you". You were hoping to reconcile the entire time and refused to let go and move forward. Now that there's new light on this, delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps .
ExpatInItaly Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 On 12/4/2021 at 2:42 PM, timble9 said: It's just really hard to "get rid of her" by blocking and deleting her everywhere, I feel like I have to be cautious. I work in a very small town in a female dominated industry and 90% of my friends are therefore female and are also friends with her. I can't help thinking that if I block her for no "valid" reason other than the fact that I can't really be friends with her because of our history, everyone will turn against me and I'll feel very alone. OP, with respect, I seriously doubt anyone cares that much to be this offended. You are blowing it out of proportion in your own mind because you are looking for reasons to not block her. 3
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