Love of my Life New Hubby/Whirlwind Marriage/Conflicts w/Son!

[elaine1966]

This is my first post. Background: I was a single mom for 10 years raising my teenage son (Joe) who is now 18. Having had no serious relationships for 10 years, last summer I fell madly in love with “Tony” while vacationing in Europe for three weeks spending every waking moment with him. I returned to the States, and Tony and I being desperate to be together made plans for him to visit, and not even one month after I had been home, he came. In order for us to be together physically, emotionally and legally (immigration laws), we married a month later. Very quick, I know.

 

A year has passed and though Tony & I love each other dearly, there have been huge conflicts between him and Joe, mostly stemming from my Joe’s typical American lazy style (dirty room, videogames, not doing dishes, not taking out the trash, etc.) and most recently it is the frequent use of the car and not holding up his end of the bargain which is to clean the car.

 

Being a single mom, I have been soft on enforcing the chores in order to no be a nag. Peace is more important in the household to me. For the past year, the “quarterly” pattern I have seen: (a) Tony’s annoyance with Joe’s laziness (because Tony sees it as a slap in the face to him), (b) slow build up over the three months occasionally making comments to me about him taking out the trash, or him not helping with the dishes, etc., and then © huge explosion where Tony flips out (it is worse when he has been drinking liquor) and he has even broken things. He threw my cellphone against the wall, pushed a computer monitor to the floor. Once Joe had had enough of the tantrums that he came out of his room to tell Tony to knock it off. The two of them were in each others facing. It was just awful.

 

Then, of course, he is apologetic and things are seemingly calm, but then the cycle repeats itself three months later. Another thing that Tony does is give me the silent treatment for a day or so, and that is just awful. I hate the isolation. I get knots in my stomach and panic attacks when I think he is mad at me – and almost all the times I think he is mad at me, he usually is – I start pushing him to tell me what’s wrong wanting to know if he is mad at my again or why is he mad at me again. Eventually he explodes (verbally) telling me what is bugging him.

 

Since Joe started driving a couple of months ago, he has been borrowing the car a great deal. He had made an agreement with Tony to keep the car clean. Being the usual lazy guy he is, he has not kept up his end of the bargain. Tony gets mad at me because he thinks that I should be more firm with Joe and just tell him "no, you cannot borrow the car b/c you haven't kept up your end of the bargain."

 

Whether out of guilt or difficulty breaking old patterns, it causes me so much pain to be that way with Joe because i have never been that way with Joe, and he turned out ok. Then Tony won't talk to me. Then I get angry with Tony if the silent treatment continues and do the same to him. And then things are briefly ok. Now that we have the borrowing of the car issue, this happens every couple of days. It's just awful. I don't know what to do and fear I may get in trouble at work or have a nervous breakdown or something because I get so emotional and start sobbing. I just don't know what to do.

 

When he isn’t talking to me, I can’t stop thinking about it and I get myself all worked up and I am fearful that it is going to affect my job. I just don’t know if I am in need of medication or therapy or what? Has someone every been in a situation? Any advice or thoughts on my situation would be most appreciated.

[Lizzard]

First off I am not in your situation or have kids. But from what I read, it seems as if you son is a 18 year old MAN who is in serious need of getting his **** together. I mean if he is mad at you for having a husband or someone in your life he is way too old. You make it sound like he is living with you.

Borrowing your car? I had a job at 15 and bought my OWN car by the time I was seventeen. I didn't need to use my parents car. Clean his room? He is 18! He should be able to go to college, work and maintain his own apartment with friends. Sorry honey, but I know being a single mom is hell. And you did your part, your little boy needs to be nudged out the door and into the great big world. You have done a good job of raising him...time for him to act like an adult.

I understand your husbands frustrations, he is watching this tear you apart and he KNOWS there is nothing he can do. Admit it...if he told you to kick your son out and cut off the apron strings...you WOULD be mad at your husband. He knows this...so he is in the background..putting in his points of view.

I know children come first, but your son is 18. He is grown. He needs to be at a place in his life where he is 1. At least trying to be an adult 2. Being happy his mother found someone who loves her and 3. Respecting NOT only you but also the love of your life.

I wish you luck honey, but honest I think you have the power to make this situation go away.

You can do it. Put your foot down.

Both you and your hubby would be far more happy.

[bab]

I agree with Lizzard. Joe is 18, time to grow up. Has he graduated HS yet?

[Hot Coco]

Well, the other two posters said what I was going to say. Not saying you aren't a good mother but something to think about is this...what is our MAIN job/goal as parents? It's to make our kids independent, responsible adults. Have you done that? I won't repeat everything else everyone said but I agree with everything. Does he have a job or go to school?

 

As far as your husband. I can really understand his anger but it DOES seem a little too agressive. Does he have a temper? Is he like that with other issues or just this one? Maybe he feels like you're ignoring him on this issue.

 

It is your place to make your son become more independent.

[Sheba]

I was a single mother for a time, then moved in with my partner. I am somewhat strict, my partner is more so. He would be like Tony, if I let him. I do not. I could see soon after we joined households that my partner's relationship with my 2 kids would suffer if I let him act on his every control-freak, dictatorial impulse. I had to tell him to:

 

1. Let me do the discipline, as I see fit. Many kids have a terrible, rebellious reaction to suddenly being parented by a stranger. My son was edging in that direction.

 

2. Lighten up. Kids are messy. Many very tidy adults started as piggy children. It is not a big deal. Doing well at school is a big deal. Being honest is a big deal. A towel on the floor is not a big deal.

 

3. Make rules with success in mind. In other words, if you KNOW the kid is a slob, why set things up for failure? Make a reasonable rule that the kid can satisfy and then tighten up gradually to a higher standard. Remind him. Give him chances. Be persistent, but gentle.

 

You and your son were alone for 10 years and he turned out very well. Why would you let Tony take over? You are the experienced parent, who has done a fine job so far. Tony's wishes should not be ignored, of course. However, he must be reasonable. Kids these days are not like we were. As a rule, they seem to be "young" longer. My partner's 25 year old is as immature as I was at 18. Maybe this is a bad thing, and kids today are coddled for too long - but this is a North American trend. Why should your son be different?

 

For the sake of your marriage, or your relationship with your son, or both, take back your parenting rights and do it YOUR way. I was right to do this. My partner has a GREAT relationship with my son now, and I think he is a better parent to his own son, for my involvement. He is still working things out with my daughter, but doing very well with her too. His tidiness issues are NOT ignored, but are not allowed to take over the whole household, either.