Going into a relationship with bad anxiety

[kjjjje]

Hi everyone. So I've been seeing this guy on and off since August. It's been on and off because there seems to always be an issue with communication between us. When we are together in person, or talking on the phone, it's great. He's a complete gentleman and respectful. But when we text, it's a different story. English isn't his first language although he is very fluent in it, so for this reason I give him the benefit of the doubt. We just decided last night that we should take things to the next level in our relationship, and I asked him to just be more consistent with me, which he agreed to.

So, today, things were going great up until nighttime. We were texting and chatting throughout the day, and at the end of the night, his messages got more sparse. I noticed he put his phone on Do Not Disturb after I sent him a text, like, five minutes after it was delivered so he was already notified that I texted him. I felt really sad that he was muting his phone mid conversation with me. And, like I said, English isn't his first language so he prefers to call instead of text. But, he didn't make an effort to call me all day. He also told me I can call him whenever, but put his phone on do not disturb so how can I call him?

He didn't ask how my day was. Didn't make an effort at conversation. Just said he was going to bed and that was that. I just find it odd that we just started dating and he's not more excited to talk to me, because I am. It was so disheartening to see that he put his phone on do not disturb, and the only way I got his attention was by sending a notification to his phone despite that it was on DND (new iPhone feature where you can choose to notify someone even if their phone is muted). Why does he say he wants to talk to me, and then literally not talk to me? I really like him and want to make it work but I'm afraid my anxiety will ruin it, because him not texting me at the end of the night made my mind start racing.

Edited December 2, 2021 by kjjjje

[basil67]

You know that he prefers to call instead of text.  And you say it's better when he's speaking to you in person or on the phone.  So with the exception of sending an ETA or asking the other to buy some milk or bread, why persist with text as a form of conversation?  

Stop using text to chat and move to a conversation method which works for you both.  And while it would have been nice for him to tell you he was ending the text conversation, if you're both on the phone, I'm sure he'll say goodbye when he's done talking.   

Lastly, he wants to TALK with you, not text with you.   

Edited December 2, 2021 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

Focus on in person interaction. How is the relationship overall? Are you happy? Are you dating exclusively?

Texting is not dating. Stop text-tethering and texting constantly. 

Texting is cheap lazy and not a way to conduct a relationship. People text from the toilet or while watching tv. 

You need to focus on how happy you are in person and if you want an exclusive dating relationship...or a textbuddy.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, kjjjje said:

I just find it odd that we just started dating and he's not more excited to talk to me, because I am.

But it sounds as though he has been this way all along. 

Just because you two have recently decided that you are dating doesn't necessarily mean his character, communication style or interest in you is suddenly different or more intense. 

Has it been mostly you nudging this relationship along since you met? 

[glows]

It seems he needs a break. If he texts you good morning or in the earlier part of the day, greet him also, keep it short and suggest that he call you after work or towards the end of the day when you're both settled and can give each other your undivided attention. 

Consistent is a good suggestion but quality of your conversations matter too. 

 

[Gaeta]

Good mornings are ok, then you go about your day and concentrate on your work. Stop the chit chatting through the day. I like chocolate but if l have it all day it will disgust me by the end of the day. 

So hello in morning and a phone call at night.

[kjjjje]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But it sounds as though he has been this way all along. 

Just because you two have recently decided that you are dating doesn't necessarily mean his character, communication style or interest in you is suddenly different or more intense. 

Has it been mostly you nudging this relationship along since you met? 

No, it's been very mutual. He wanted to date me from the moment he met me, but I am very slow to commit to it took me a while to be ready for a relationship with him. So, now it seems we are both ready.

[kjjjje]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

You know that he prefers to call instead of text.  And you say it's better when he's speaking to you in person or on the phone.  So with the exception of sending an ETA or asking the other to buy some milk or bread, why persist with text as a form of conversation?  

Stop using text to chat and move to a conversation method which works for you both.  And while it would have been nice for him to tell you he was ending the text conversation, if you're both on the phone, I'm sure he'll say goodbye when he's done talking.   

Lastly, he wants to TALK with you, not text with you.   

This is exactly it....I would have preferred he told me he was going to sleep rather than putting his phone on Do Not Disturb and then acting distant.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, kjjjje said:

This is exactly it....I would have preferred he told me he was going to sleep rather than putting his phone on Do Not Disturb and then acting distant.

People have patterns…have you figured out their notmal bed time?  Coukdnt you have the do not disturb be programmed to go after a certain time?

I don’t like constant texting. I prefer conversation. Texting in purpose driven where it’s for short Q/A or short convo.

 

[ShyViolet]

My goodness, I think this is a bit neurotic.  The man is not allowed to put down his phone and go to sleep?  What do you want him to do, keep texting you all day and night?  You are overthinking and being a little unreasonable.  Not everyone likes to text all day and night.  Just because he got tired of texting and took a break from his phone for the night doesn't mean he's not into you.  Your anxiety will sabotage this relationship if you don't put it in check.

[Girl Fade Away]

3 hours ago, kjjjje said:

This is exactly it....I would have preferred he told me he was going to sleep rather than putting his phone on Do Not Disturb and then acting distant.

I completely understand @kjjjje.   That said, I DO agree with others that there is way too much texting and you cannot expect him to be texting you all day and night.  BUT when ending a conversation with your girlfriend (in this case you), or with anyone really, it's quite rude to simply stop texting mid-conversation without saying goodbye and placing your phone on "do not disturb."  It should not even be something you "prefer" in my opinion, it's standard just what you do when ending a conversation.   

Honestly, I don't think I have ever experienced what you did, with someone I am texting with suddenly ending the conversation mid-way and putting their phone on do not disturb.  Again I find that quite rude.    Either they or I would text "it's getting late, I need to get some sleep, chat with you tomorrow."  Or something similar.  Especially a man I am dating!

I dunno, I am finding more and more people these days have lost the very simple art of "politeness."

Is this something you feel comfortable talking with him about?  I don't think it's too much to ask that instead of suddenly placing his phone on do not disturb mid-conversation leaving you hanging, that he simply tell you he's tired and going to sleep, talk to you tomorrow.  

Moving forward after that, cut back on the texting, he may be feeling suffocated.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, kjjjje said:

No, it's been very mutual. He wanted to date me from the moment he met me, but I am very slow to commit to it took me a while to be ready for a relationship with him. So, now it seems we are both ready.

So then what were the communication issues you refered to here?

23 hours ago, kjjjje said:

t's been on and off because there seems to always be an issue with communication between us.

You're saying two different things: that you are slow to commit, but also that communication isn't great. 

Which is it?
 

[kjjjje]

Update: he ended things with me. Well, it was pretty mutual. We were supposed to hang out today and he didn't acknowledge our plans, ignored my texts for 12+ hours, and then when I confronted him about it he said "this isn't going to work." So, yeah. Maybe it was my anxiety or maybe he wasn't that into me. I think it was both. Over the last few days he made little effort to talk to me, he doesn't call me first, and seemed annoyed when I texted him. I'm really upset because I got my hopes up for him, envisioning a future with him and all that. Oh well

[ccas93]

6 minutes ago, kjjjje said:

 I'm really upset because I got my hopes up for him, envisioning a future with him and all that. Oh well

well, this was your problem right here.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, kjjjje said:

 seemed annoyed when I texted him. I'm really upset because I got my hopes up for him, envisioning a future with him 

In the future you need to stop text smothering people. It's a huge turn off.

If someone texts you, you respond and that's it. Don't start planning your future out. Dating is to decide if you are a good fit.

[Acacia98]

11 hours ago, kjjjje said:

 Maybe it was my anxiety or maybe he wasn't that into me. I think it was both. 

I think it was the latter. It's true that your anxiety did not help matters. But it's not normal for someone to want a relationship before they even know you, wait patiently for months until you're ready, and then flee a day or so after you finally agree to formalize your relationship. The man had his own set of issues. 

The rudeness that Girl Fade Away describes above is probably a sign of those issues.

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, kjjjje said:

Update: he ended things with me. Well, it was pretty mutual. We were supposed to hang out today and he didn't acknowledge our plans, ignored my texts for 12+ hours, and then when I confronted him about it he said "this isn't going to work." So, yeah. Maybe it was my anxiety or maybe he wasn't that into me. I think it was both. Over the last few days he made little effort to talk to me, he doesn't call me first, and seemed annoyed when I texted him. I'm really upset because I got my hopes up for him, envisioning a future with him and all that. Oh well

I think he probably thought you were too much work.  No amount of communication seemed to be enough for you.

[stillafool]

On 12/2/2021 at 10:36 PM, Girl Fade Away said:

Honestly, I don't think I have ever experienced what you did, with someone I am texting with suddenly ending the conversation mid-way and putting their phone on do not disturb.

Maybe he was so fed up with the texting he put the phone on do not disturb to prevent himself from saying something rude to OP.  Then he just decided to break up.

[kendahke]

On 12/2/2021 at 1:05 AM, kjjjje said:

I noticed he put his phone on Do Not Disturb after I sent him a text, like, five minutes after it was delivered so he was already notified that I texted him. He also told me I can call him whenever, but put his phone on do not disturb so how can I call him?

Chances are, he's got it set that way and it didn't have anything to do with you. My phone is set to turn on "do not disturb" at 10pm, no matter who's talking to me.  I have friends who work overnights and unless I check my phone before going to sleep, I don't get their texts or calls. It's not that I'm avoiding them or don't want to talk to them: I'm usually watching some tutorial for Procreate or something mindless on YouTube... my phone is set for that even on days when I'm not talking to them. Don't take it personally and make an issue out of this when there is no issue here.

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I've been seeing this guy on and off since August. It's been on and off

then when I confronted him about it he said "this isn't going to work."

Yep... 4 months in. You're right at the point where weak foundation, "not meant to be" relationships begin to fail. The "on their best behavior" representatives have been dismissed and the real him/real you come to the fore.  The real him doesn't seem capable of handling the real you with your neediness and anxiety. He's not a life raft, here to save you from your life.

A therapist would benefit you more than a boyfriend right now... and perhaps a doctor who can prescribe you something for your anxiety. At 4 months in, that's a lot to throw on a stranger to sort when you're just getting to know for them.

Quote

I'm really upset because I got my hopes up for him, envisioning a future with him and all that. Oh well

Not many people like wrangling emotional octopuses. Your hopes were not in alignment with what was falling out in experience at your feet. You can't live in your hopes. You have to live in reality and the reality is: he's basically a stranger to you. You let your imagination get ahead of what was actually going on. When you confronted him, you brought the energy of someone who was in a committed relationship for over 3 years, not someone he's been getting to know for 4 months and that's why he balked.

Edited December 7, 2021 by kendahke

[Girl Fade Away]

On 12/1/2021 at 11:05 PM, kjjjje said:

So I've been seeing this guy on and off since August

I am sorry to hear he ended it, but you have broken up before, why is this breakup any different from what's been happening since August?