Phase_shift22 Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 TL;DR: -I have friend that I met back in high school (20 years ago) that I reconnected with 12 years ago -for the past 12 years, we've had a pretty platonic relationship, hanging out every other month or so -I have had a crush on her for a long time, but never really acted on it because I thought it was unrequited (in high school, I didn't think she liked me the way I liked her; when we reconnected, she was lesbian, however, that seems to have been a phase that she passed many years ago) -6 years ago, I asked if we could try dating, but she turned me down, saying she wasn't ready -I didn't press the issue, since I didn't want to jeopardize the friendship -fast forward to 4 months ago, my father passed away, and she has done a ton to try to help me out (bringing me food, constantly pushing me to hang out with her, talking to me for hours at her house, making me tea, etc.) -we have become so close that we now text each other every day, see each other at least 3 times a week and even went to her family's Thanksgiving; I've been invited to her family's Christmas party as well as her work Christmas party -the question is, what is she to me now and what is the future? DETAIL: I have a friend, let's call her "Emily" that I met in high school, which for me, is now 20 years ago. We became friends, and almost instantly, I had a tremendous crush on her, but being young and inexperienced, I never had the nerve to really make a move on her. We lost touch after graduation but reconnected 12 years ago over social media. At our first meeting back then, told me she was a lesbian and she was dressed in a rather masculine way. Even though it had been 8 years since I saw her, I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have feelings for her and was therefore a bit disappointed. That being said, we still remained friends- we stayed in touch and hung out about once every other month or so, usually over tea/coffee or the occasional dinner. Gradually over time, "Emily" started to become less lesbian and more straight. How she dressed/acted started to become more like what I remembered from back the way she was in high school. It got to the point where, 6 years ago, I felt comfortable enough to ask her if she would be interested in becoming "more than friends" to which she replied that "she was open to it, however, at this time, she wasn't completely over her previous relationship, and that she didn't want to keep me from living my life." Although somewhat disappointed, I did not press the issue, because I felt to do so would jepordize the friendship that we had. At that point, I more or less gave up on any romantic prospects with her. Nonetheless we continued to be in touch and continued to hang out every other month or so. Fast forward to 4 months ago, my father unfortunately passed away. He was older (in his late 90s) and I lived with him and my mother in order to take care of him (he had a number of chronic health problems that required assistance with toward the end). We were very close almost to the point that I could "read his mind" when he had trouble speaking, more so than anyone else. Needless to say, his loss hit me very hard. I wound up taking a month off work and was a wreck. I had other friends who tried to console me, but I really didn't want to see anyone since I was in such a miserable state. I treated "Emily" like that initially, pushing her away, but unlike my other friends, she kept on pestering me, asking if there was something she could do, to which I said there was not. Eventually, after her 3rd time asking if she can drop off food, I let her visit me at my house to drop off food. We talked a bit, and I felt as though her company was a bit comforting, so when she invited me to start going with her when she walked her dog I obliged. I guess that's when things started changing. I would walk her dog with her, but then I would stay where we would sit and talk for literally 4 or 5 hours, initially sorting through all my feelings for my dad. Slowly though over time, as I got better, bit by bit, our conversations became much deeper, talking about our various travel experiences, sharing details about our families (i.e. going over family albums), talking about our experiences in school, etc. We have the same taste in travel, how we're both night owls, have the same sense of humor etc. She also became very interested in some of my "special skills" one of which being cooking- my father taught me 20 different dishes; I have file organization as well as research techniques I've used with some pretty good success that she'd like to know as well. My father's death was, unfortunately, not managed well by everyone in the family (long story that is for a different post) but suffice to say, it ostracized me a bit from the rest of my family; as a result, I did not have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving this year. When "Emily" heard this, she invited me to her Thanksgiving with all her family and relatives, which I did. Her family liked me a lot. She has since invited me to spend Christmas with them as well as come to her office's Christmas party. While we have talked a lot, romance or a relationship has never been mentioned, more by my choosing than anything else. I told her early on that I need to wrap up my dad's final affairs as well as the fact I need to have the ability to stand on my own before getting involved with someone; that I don't want a potential girlfriend/wife be the reason I now live for, because that's too much to ask for anyone (aka a rebound). She seemed to understand and said that I can take as much time as I needed. We also never really physically touch all that much, though we do hug whenever we first see each other and when we say goodbye. I will say that our hugs are getting longer and longer as time goes forward. Anyway, that's my full story. While I can say that we definitely have elements of a romantic relationship (I can't imagine talking to a girl for that long/spending that much time and meeting their family without being a significant other), we also don't in the sense we do not have any real physical contact. She also never really expresses much feeling toward me, though I have a lot, and she always replies "thanks" or "that means a lot to me." It's getting to the point now where I can definitely feel a lot for her...my blood even so much as "burns" when I'm with her at times. But I'm not sure I get the same sense from her. I also know from experience that some girls are very talkative and/or just very friendly, so I'm not ruling out the fact that this could all be one big "I'm trying to help you because I'm your friend" deal. So what do you think? Is "Emily" just a really, really, really good friend? Or is she interested in me romantically? One thing I've been told over the years is that girls see me more as a "brother" or "dad" figure since I'm very nice/do a lot to help them, but that I lack the "spark" to be boyfriend material. Is it possible she sees me as a "brother" or "dad"? To be clear, once I get myself situatated, I would like to date her/make her my girlfriend. Thanks in advance.
chillii Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 (edited) Sorry skipped to the end when you started the story a second time tbh buttttt. Just bc some women see a little less spark, so what, who cares. So your not their thing but the right woman and boom, who knows. Besides, there's all kinds of great relationships and personalities out there and not all of them light up skies, some are subtle and some of those are the longest marriages too in my clan. This one , l'm feeling the loyal friend come brotherly thing. But with saying that what 6yrs since you tried and here she is at your side now , and what 20yrs since you met and she still isn't in something serious, flirted with lesbianism. Maybe she's come full circle, maybe now she's susceptible to the possibility of you two being more buttttt, unfortunately you'd hve to drop the question again to really know. Or is there a friend that knows her too you could ask privately. Edited December 2, 2021 by chillii
Sun Seeker Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 (edited) From everything you have posted, it does not sound like you are anything more than friends. Regardless, if you are romantically interested in someone, the only way to find out for sure if they feel the same is to be direct and ask them out. So ask her out to a romantic dinner, just the two of you. Make it clear it is a date. If she says anything else but a yes, then her answer is no. At this point you stop being in contact with her, and move on to the next one. Forget about being friends with her, it's a complete waste of time. When you are romantically interested in a woman, it's either date her, or drop her. No middle ground being friends hanging out, it is of no benefit. The day she starts a relationship with someone else, will be the day you get dropped completely, and you certainly wont be invited to any family gatherings and having long talks etc. Why wait for this moment? Better you take the initiative and do it first. Do your 'friend' stuff with your guy buddies. Edited December 2, 2021 by Sun Seeker
Wiseman2 Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 Don't ruin a good friendship by making it awkward. You need good friends and she's been one to you. If you are ready to date again, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women for coffee. She is not suddenly "straight" or suddenly interested in more . You just feel lonely right now. 2
kendahke Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 The next 5 weeks can cause some people to make really bad decisions because of what they think they're entitled to regarding relationships over the holidays. Focus on family and friends instead. Start dating after 2/14/22.
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