Thoughs on first messages on dating apps

[jgolffan96]

I am struggling with first messages on dating apps and I wanted to reset and get advice on what kind of message to send. I think it is best to something that is associated with her profile, but I am not sure what to say. 
 

For example, I matched with a girl this morning and she works in basketball, is a philly sports fan, and has a dog. I think it’s clear that I should start it off by saying something creative about sports, but I am not sure if this is too much?:

“Is it hard living in Atlanta as a philly sports fan given Atlanta is dominating all the Philly teams? :)”

 

Any advice on first messages would be greatly appreciated!

[glows]

The answers will be varied. Someone who's equally interested in your profile will be inspired to respond and others will not. Try not to take these things too personally. I've always been a fan of a simple hello and how is your day going if you have never met before or it's a dating app. Others find that predictable or boring but perhaps they are desensitized. I don't want to be answering in depth questions at hello. Keep things simple and be willing to meet in person for a brief coffee rather than texting back and forth about Philly or sports or other topics for too long. 

 

[Gaeta]

I agree the first message content isn't important. No matter how engaging your question may be if your pictures don't have a little something she likes she won't answer.  Keep your questions for when and if  she replies.

[Girl Fade Away]

@justasht

I have had men reach out to me on line, NOT always on a dating app but another site where there were no profiles to fall back on, and somehow we connected, in a couple of instances, immediately.   Had nothing to do with what questions they asked, in fact I find such questions right off the bat mundane and contrived.  It was more about their energy, and my energy, and we vibed together.  Hard to explain but it worked to pull me.  

Something clever and funny, I recall smiling when reading and chuckling and thinking, this may be fun!   So strive for that, forget the questions, for now.  Those come later, organically once you meet and are getting to know each other.  Focus on your energy, be upbeat, funny, something to make her chuckle and smile.  Good feels.

Edited December 1, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[jgolffan96]

@Girl Fade Away

so you don’t recommend me starting off with a hey “name”, how’s your week going so far? Then diving into questions?

I

[Girl Fade Away]

11 minutes ago, justasht said:

@Girl Fade Away

so you don’t recommend me starting off with a hey “name”, how’s your week going so far? Then diving into questions?

I

The "hey [name] is good," but asking "how is your week going so far'?  I can only tell you what I would feel if I read that and that would be YAWN.  Sorry.  

It sounds like standard boiler plate language used on every woman you reached out to.  Be unique, be clever, make her smile!  Forget the contrived questions, are you interviewing her or do you want to connect with her?  Put some personality into it.

Edited December 1, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[jgolffan96]

13 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

The "hey [name] is good," but asking "how is your week going so far'?  I can only tell you what I would feel if I read that and that would be YAWN.  Sorry.  

It sounds like standard boiler plate language used on every woman you reached out to.  Be unique, be clever, make her smile!  Forget the contrived questions, are you interviewing her or do you want to connect with her?

@Girl Fade AwayYeah, I thought so too. So my original idea is to poke fun at her for her likeness of Philly sports by saying something around the fact that they get beat by Atlanta (both the match and I are in Atlanta), etc. Is that better?

i struggle to be funny to be honest (online especially)

Edited December 2, 2021 by justasht

[Girl Fade Away]

23 minutes ago, justasht said:

@Girl Fade AwayYeah, I thought so too. So my original idea is to poke fun at her for her likeness of Philly sports by saying something around the fact that they get beat by Atlanta (both the match and I are in Atlanta), etc. Is that better?

i struggle to be funny to be honest (online especially)

Yeah it's better and for me personally, poking fun is good. I like a bit of teasing, it's fun when done correctly.  And emojis are good, not too many though.  

In your first post you wrote this:

"Is it hard living in Atlanta as a philly sports fan given Atlanta is dominating all the Philly teams? :)”

Or you could start off saying "Hey Xxxxx, so you're a Philly's fan?  Must be hard living there given Atlanta is dominating.   But hopefully they can turn it around.    Did you ever play basketball yourself?"

That gives her something to respond to other than the standard "yeah my week is going fine, and yours"?   YAWN.  lol  

I don't know it's difficult giving advice about this because every woman is different and will respond to different things, but basically you want to put some personality into your messages and be playful.  

 

 

Edited December 2, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

 but basically you want to put some personality into your messages and be playful.  

 

 

I agree 100% with that but the very first message doesn't count. Keep your humour and teasing for 2nd message *if she replies* otherwise you'll exhaust yourself being funny to women that won't even reply. The very first message is only an indication you've noticed her profile and waiting she confirms she likes yours as well. No amount of wittiness will have me reply to a fun 1st message if l don't like his profile so no point putting energy into it. If she answers back to your *hello how are you* then be fun & witty.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, justasht said:

“Is it hard living in Atlanta as a philly sports fan given Atlanta is dominating all the Philly teams? :)”

Yes. Pick something interesting in the profile and comment on it but not in this overly cheeky snarky way.

Compliment, mention something about yourself and ask a question. That's the formula.

 

[Fox Sake]

Yeah, pick something from their profile that isn’t generic. But really, all you’re doing by this is opening the door to possible conversation.  As GirlFadeAway said - if you vibe with someone then your energy’s just click, it doesn’t matter on the conversation, but it does help to not come across as boring.  It’s a law of averages thing too. Every failure will bring you closer to your success.

[Alpacalia]

Lighthearted, concise, and to the point. In most cases, sending a long-winded message straight away is extremely overwhelming. If she responds, you can identify topics in her response that you can work with for your next response. Above all, make her feel at ease. Mix in little playfulness and tease her whenever you can.

Have fun you two!

[Lotsgoingon]

I get your challenge. But I think you can get out of salesman/pitchman mode for this.

Think less of writing the perfect note and focus more on following your genuine curiosity and interest in her. 

What interested you about this person? Just introduce yourself and ask a genuine question if you have one. Yes, you can make the Philly joke if you want, but don't lean into that. I fear you think you need to be a standard comedian who gets immediate laughs from the audience.

No, just express some genuine curiosity. And don't overdo the emoji thing. That's too much like texting in my view.

Example instead of the question of it must be hard to be a Philly fan in Atlanta, which is really a leading question and comnent ... instead of that, go back a step. Ask if she attends games and go open ended as in "What's it like to be a Philly fan in Atlanta?"  Don't bias or lead the answer. So instead of trying to be witty. Just ask the simple question. Now you give her room to answer. 

And back to the real question: what REALLY draws you to her? I assume something about her looks? ... Besides looks, what interests you? Just start there. You might not trust your own interests, so that's a step you might have to re-learn. 

 

 

[dramafreezone]

Trying to figure out the perfect response to fit to message a match is like defusing a time bomb, "do I cut the red wire or the blue one?"  There's so many factors out of your control that may influence how she receives it.  You're going to get all kind of answers if you ask women what they like to hear.  Some of it is genuine and some of it is not what they actually respond to in real life.

You say one thing to one woman, it may be a turn off, say the same thing to another she may dig it.  Just stick to one type of intro, one that fits you and some will like it, some won't.  There's no magic line that every woman will love.

The truth is your fate is more or less determined by the time you match.  You will either definitely get a shot no matter what you say, or you're barely hanging on and anything but the perfect line will probably result in her not responding.

Edited December 2, 2021 by dramafreezone

[vla1120]

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Trying to figure out the perfect response to fit to message a match is like defusing a time bomb, "do I cut the red wire or the blue one?"  There's so many factors out of your control that may influence how she receives it.  You're going to get all kind of answers if you ask women what they like to hear.  Some of it is genuine and some of it is not what they actually respond to in real life.

You say one thing to one woman, it may be a turn off, say the same thing to another she may dig it.  Just stick to one type of intro, one that fits you and some will like it, some won't.  There's no magic line that every woman will love.

SO funny, and SO true!!

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Just stick to one type of intro, one that fits you and some will like it, some won't.  There's no magic line that every woman will love.

Agree. Stick with a formula of 1.Complement (something in profile) 2.Mention something about yourself (connecting point to something in profile) 3.Question (to get a response). Three sentences. That's it.

Of course a pic of your junk and  'wassup, wanna marry?' usually works too.

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Stick with a formula of 1.Complement (something in profile) 2.Mention something about yourself (connecting point to something in profile) 3.Question (to get a response). Three sentences. That's it.

Of course a pic of your junk and  'wassup, wanna marry?' usually works too.

That only works if if its properly washed and groomed.

[Grey40]

You're thinking way too hard about it. If she's attracted to your photos she will respond to anything you say, no reason to make it sound contrived or stupid, just have a normal conversation. There's no "formula", if there is interest she'll respond and you mirror her reactions.

[dramafreezone]

7 hours ago, Grey40 said:

You're thinking way too hard about it. If she's attracted to your photos she will respond to anything you say, no reason to make it sound contrived or stupid, just have a normal conversation. There's no "formula", if there is interest she'll respond and you mirror her reactions.

Exactly. 

OP, your fate is pretty much determined when she sees your photos.  If she looks at your photos and is goo-goo gaa-gaa, you could text her the phrase "Monkey butt" and she'll think "this is hilarious, wow this guy has such a great sense of humor!"

95% of the time though, it'll be "eh, why not" when she sees your photos.    Then it's more luck than anything else because she swipes on many guys a week with that same attitude, and then she decides who gets the first shot.  If it's not you, then you fall through the cracks.  Either way, the only thing you can really do is send a message that is *you*, not something you think you need to do to impress someone else.

[kendahke]

just as long as you don't add "lol" to everything (so trite!), you should be fine.

[LatinCoffee]

On 12/1/2021 at 2:52 PM, justasht said:

I am struggling with first messages on dating apps and I wanted to reset and get advice on what kind of message to send. I think it is best to something that is associated with her profile, but I am not sure what to say. 
 

For example, I matched with a girl this morning and she works in basketball, is a philly sports fan, and has a dog. I think it’s clear that I should start it off by saying something creative about sports, but I am not sure if this is too much?:

“Is it hard living in Atlanta as a philly sports fan given Atlanta is dominating all the Philly teams? :)”

 

Any advice on first messages would be greatly appreciated!

If you match with someone that you are interested in. Try to start with something along the lines of something that they like. "Hello. How's it going? I see that you like coffee. What's your fave coffee place to go to?" or something of that nature to break the ice a bit.

 

[smackie9]

This "Hi Sassygirl25! your profile intrigued me. You seem like a fun and interesting girl. Looking forward to hearing all about you . "