I got used as a rebound guy and left in the dust - Why?

[gringoloco]

Met this girl 2 months ago.
Thought she was everything I dreamed of. 
I was someone who didn’t want to get back into a relationship, who was mostly having short flings here and there, and she made me change my mind.
She seemed so into me, constantly saying how amazing I was and how she was impressed by me. Talked about me to her parents, friends, even her boss. Everything went super fast. She was throwing lines like « I’ll support you through everything » « I really like you » as early as last wednesday. 

She dropped me last friday out of the blue to go back to her ex who she was with for 2 years (they lived together). From her sayings, she had left him back in July.

She was supposed to pick stuff she had left at her ex’s place from when they lived together on thursday evening. I was very stressed by that and made her understand i wasn’t too keen with the idea but she said it needed to be done for it to be « done for good ». I tried to trust her.
I was supposed to wait for her to finish and meet her right after to go have dinner.
At 10pm I didn’t have any news yet. Then she calls and tells me her ex canceled on her while she was on her way and that her colleague had been tested positive for covid so she can’t see me tonight. I insist for going to hers anyways as I sensed something was of, but she insists that she wants to get tested first and doesn’t want to pass covid to me.

The next morning, as i had no news and we were supposed to meet, i text her and she ends up coming for coffee at starbucks. She kisses me to say hello, then we walked a bit and she went to buy shoes, before heading back to my place where we were supposed to work remotely. She starts working, but i quickly notice something is off. I ask her what’s up and she starts cuddling me and kissing me. I insist. Then she finally tells me she lied about thursday evening. 
Her ex didn’t cancel on her, she went there, he wanted to talk things out and she realized she still had feelings for him. She felt the need to precise she hadn’t cheated on me (…….)

After hearing that I immediately kicked her out of my house while she was crying and saying stupid stuff like « you don’t deserve this, you deserve so much better, you are amazing, etc… ». She wanted to say goodbye but I went in another room while she left. I didn’t really listen to any of her explanations.

I feel so sad and used, lied to, shocked by how things happened, and unable to sleep / eat.

Why would someone act in such a way? I was doing awesome before and she really put me down

[glows]

She did tell you the truth eventually which is more than what could have happened if she continued to deny everything. Keep trusting your instincts and let her go. This was a short period and you'll be back on your feet soon. She is only one out of many and I think she might have been fresh out of a break up. 

Now that you know she's dishonest, thank your lucky stars that you are free to date others and no longer spending your time with someone who seems confused.

[gringoloco]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

She did tell you the truth eventually which is more than what could have happened if she continued to deny everything. Keep trusting your instincts and let her go. This was a short period and you'll be back on your feet soon. She is only one out of many and I think she might have been fresh out of a break up. 

Now that you know she's dishonest, thank your lucky stars that you are free to date others and no longer spending your time with someone who seems confused.

my question is why did she put so much efforts into pretending she was all into me? 

she was flattering me all the time : « you look hot », « you’re amazing », « I ´ll support you through everything », « I miss you » , « we should do more sleepovers during the week » (she said that A DAY before going to her ex!!!!!!!!) 

I mean is there some kind of mental illness involved here? cause really I have never seen anything like that and I’ve seen a few things…

Edited December 1, 2021 by elpandillero

[glows]

6 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

my question is why did she put so much efforts into pretending she was all into me? 

she was flattering me all the time : « you look hot », « you’re amazing », « I ´ll support you through everything », « I miss you » , « we should do more sleepovers during the week » (she said that A DAY before going to her ex!!!!!!!!) 

I mean is there some kind of mental illness involved here? cause really I have never seen anything like that and I’ve seen a few things…

I think it's best not to go down that rabbit hole with any armchair or layperson online diagnosis about a third party, imo. Whatever she is (or isn't) she's out of your life so has no bearing any longer on anything to do with you. Focus on that. 

You look hot. You're amazing. etc etc are easy words. It might sound a bit harsh but I don't pay attention to things like that. Maybe you haven't heard them before so you believed them and that's ok. Live and learn. I've heard them in an empty context once with someone who seemed disproportionately wordy in relation to how well he knew me (not well at all) so immediately something felt off. You'll know what to avoid in future.

It sounds like she wasn't over her ex according to her and looking for companionship. It's not a crime. She's entitled to do what she pleases but the good part is that you trusted your instincts and knew when something didn't feel right. Rest assured in that and move forwards with confidence in yourself.

[gringoloco]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

I think it's best not to go down that rabbit hole with any armchair or layperson online diagnosis about a third party, imo. Whatever she is (or isn't) she's out of your life so has no bearing any longer on anything to do with you. Focus on that. 

You look hot. You're amazing. etc etc are easy words. It might sound a bit harsh but I don't pay attention to things like that. Maybe you haven't heard them before so you believed them and that's ok. Live and learn. I've heard them in an empty context once with someone who seemed disproportionately wordy in relation to how well he knew me (not well at all) so immediately something felt off. You'll know what to avoid in future.

It sounds like she wasn't over her ex according to her and looking for companionship. It's not a crime. She's entitled to do what she pleases but the good part is that you trusted your instincts and knew when something didn't feel right. Rest assured in that and move forwards with confidence in yourself.

it’s not a crime, but i saw signs all along the time i was with her, and i resent her for not having been honest.

I know she saw her ex as a « friend » when we started seeing each other (saw pictures as she was scrolling down her phone) and I know she posted instagram stories with my name on it just to get a reaction from him. 

It’s too easy to go: « i m sorry i didn’t mean to hurt you, all i said was true » after she secured what she wanted = her ex crawling back to her. 

It’s seems pretty manipulative/psychopatic to me….

[FMW]

She probably really wanted to no longer have feelings for him, wanted to be over him.  She also probably really did like you and was attracted to you.  The problem was she wasn't over her ex.  They were together a few years and had only broken up a few months prior to you meeting her.  That's generally not enough time for someone to be emotionally available to someone else.  

I don't think she was manipulative and doubt she is psychopathic.  She just really wanted to move on and wasn't being honest with herself, so she couldn't be honest with you either.   

You said you "saw signs all along the time" you were with her.  Unfortunately most of us have to learn the hard way to not ignore those signs.

[gringoloco]

On 12/2/2021 at 2:56 AM, FMW said:

She probably really wanted to no longer have feelings for him, wanted to be over him.  She also probably really did like you and was attracted to you.  The problem was she wasn't over her ex.  They were together a few years and had only broken up a few months prior to you meeting her.  That's generally not enough time for someone to be emotionally available to someone else.  

I don't think she was manipulative and doubt she is psychopathic.  She just really wanted to move on and wasn't being honest with herself, so she couldn't be honest with you either.   

You said you "saw signs all along the time" you were with her.  Unfortunately most of us have to learn the hard way to not ignore those signs.

it’s partly my fault, I should have acted on it but she was so sweet like a poison i couldn’t resist.

I honestly doubt anything she said now because once she saw her ex (did she really need to go pick up her stuff? obviously it was just a reason to see him) she was able to lie to me in such a professional / cold way that it was really the best lying i ever saw in my life. 

I could have understood that she still had feelings for her ex, but i will never be able to forgive her for lying to me like that, and using the fact that I take an immunosupressant so might be more prone to getting covid. When i tried to get to her place she was like: « i really dont want to get you ill, i should get tested first, and i have a headache… »

it’s just disgusting. Knowing that the day before she was like « I’ll support you through anything » « i really like you » etc….

she really messed with my brain

 

Edited December 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Norwhal]

She wasn't lying to you as much as she was lying to herself about her feelings for her ex.

You have experienced a classic rebound. She wasn't over her ex and consciously or otherwise attempted to use you to get over him and it didn't work.

You're just collateral damage from their relationship struggles.

Don't expect anything from people who are fresh out of a long term relationship. They probably have no clue what they want.

[gringoloco]

6 minutes ago, Norwhal said:

She wasn't lying to you as much as she was lying to herself about her feelings for her ex.

You have experienced a classic rebound. She wasn't over her ex and consciously or otherwise attempted to use you to get over him and it didn't work.

You're just collateral damage from their relationship struggles.

Don't expect anything from people who are fresh out of a long term relationship. They probably have no clue what they want.

yes, but she could have at least had the decency to tell me she wanted to take her time.

When I told her I thought she was fresh out of a relationship she was like: "I went back home and evolved a lot / worked on myself". Why did she need to make all those plans and text me every single day. She wanted to rush the relationship like crazy, after 4 weeks we already weren't using condoms anymore and she didn't even ask me to get tested...

Now - 3 days later - she's already back with the ex and has put all their pictures back on instagram (probably had just archived them)

Edited December 1, 2021 by elpandillero

[Norwhal]

Because- again- she didn't know what she wanted. At least not until she spent the evening with her ex and all those suppressed feelings came rushing back.

People aren't rational logical creatures, at least not when they're fresh out of a relationship and trying to bury the pain by getting involved with other people, which is very unhealthy but also very common and is why rebound relationships exist.

 

[glows]

Any anger or resentment is ok. That's you making sense of an unsavoury situation and expressing your dislike for a situation or someone's characteristics that you'd rather not associate with.

The most you can do from now on is to avoid making the same mistakes twice. You did see the warning signs but chose to go on with it anyway and date her. Learn from this and move on. Don't hang onto the resentment for too long though. It just holds you back.

Edited December 1, 2021 by glows

[gringoloco]

On 12/2/2021 at 4:16 AM, glows said:

Any anger or resentment is ok. That's you making sense of an unsavoury situation and expressing your dislike for a situation or someone's characteristics that you'd rather not associate with.

The most you can do from now on is to avoid making the same mistakes twice. You did see the warning signs but chose to go on with it anyway and date her. Learn from this and move on. Don't hang onto the resentment for too long though. It just holds you back.

I got to be honest i was super pissed when she told me she had lied - especially since i knew it in my guts and i had spent the day before stressing over the encounter.

I kicked her out and then i sent her a text saying how despicable i thought she was. She sent a flurry of « i meant everything i said » « i didnt want to hurt you » « you are an amazing person and made me very happy when i was with you» « you will find someone who can love you fully »…stuff that i erased as soon as i received it and i blocked her on whatsapp. 

Edited December 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ShyViolet]

Just learn from this, don't make the same mistakes again, and move on.  Don't try to psychoanalyze her.  It's not your job to do that, and it's not going to be helpful to you in any way.

I think it's a bit over the top to say that she's mentally ill or psychopathic.  I know you're angry, but that's overdramatic and reaching.  This was a pretty classic fling/rebound for her.  It sounds like she didn't know what she wanted, she had mixed feelings, maybe she's immature and made a lot of bad decisions.  She's a flawed person.  Don't dwell on this.  Just learn from it and move on.

[gringoloco]

36 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Just learn from this, don't make the same mistakes again, and move on.  Don't try to psychoanalyze her.  It's not your job to do that, and it's not going to be helpful to you in any way.

I think it's a bit over the top to say that she's mentally ill or psychopathic.  I know you're angry, but that's overdramatic and reaching.  This was a pretty classic fling/rebound for her.  It sounds like she didn't know what she wanted, she had mixed feelings, maybe she's immature and made a lot of bad decisions.  She's a flawed person.  Don't dwell on this.  Just learn from it and move on.

I don’t know, maybe i am more mature but i have never played with people’s feelings when dating.

I just tell things straight as they are.

If I want a fwb-type relationship i will let you know right away.

If I like you and I say it to you (as she told me countless times……), it means i really like you and could see myself with you in the future.

Also would never ever go back to an ex, I only date when I feel ready to otherwise i dont even think i could make love to the person….

I am talking about mental issues because i know she was under anxyolitics and idk how it could have influenced her attitude…

Edited December 1, 2021 by elpandillero

[glows]

Well, just because you are one way doesn't mean everyone is like you. You may be honest and upfront or direct but there are plenty of individuals who are anything but. That's part of navigating those waters while dating and leaving out the individuals who don't appeal to you. This is a learning experience and like I said, completely ok to feel disgusted and unhappy. 

Don't go feeling guilty and morose now that you blocked her or "kicked her out". Wish her well from some place in your heart and let go. Whatever she says doesn't matter. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, elpandillero said:

I am talking about mental issues because i know she was under anxyolitics and idk how it could have influenced her attitude…

And you'll never know.  It's a waste of your energy to sit around and dwell on trying to figure out WHY WHY WHY she did everything she did.  You'll never get that answer.  You can't psychoanalyze her, nor should you try.  Just try to process your anger so you can let it go and move on with your life.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, elpandillero said:

…bullshit that i erased as soon as i received it and i blocked her on whatsapp. 

Good call.

Unfortunately people who are on/off (or supposedly fresh out of relationships) tend to careen through life hurting others so they and their equally crazy on/off partners can play their games.

Everyone is just a pawn and collateral damage in their insanity. You dodged a bullet.

[gringoloco]

I know I shouldn’t go down that road but there are so many questions…

why did she kiss me right before telling me she lied, as well as cuddled into my arms for a good 5 minutes?

why did she wait 1h30 when we went back to my place to tell it to me?

she was still asking questions, talking about general stuff as if it was all ok…

This makes it harder as it almost makes me feel like she was hesitating and it pains me a lot to know that maybe it could have worked had i met her 6 months later….

Edited December 2, 2021 by elpandillero

[gringoloco]

On 12/2/2021 at 6:02 PM, elpandillero said:

I know I shouldn’t go down that road but there are so many questions…

why did she kiss me right before telling me she lied, as well as cuddled into my arms for a good 5 minutes?

why did she wait 1h30 when we went back to my place to tell it to me?

she was still asking questions, talking about general stuff as if it was all ok…

This makes it harder as it almost makes me feel like she was hesitating and it pains me a lot to know that maybe it could have worked had i met her 6 months later….

I know I am pushing it but I really need some form of answers to those questions....

Why did she show signs of affection despite knowing what she had done / was going to do? Why did she hold my hand in the subway?

Why did she just not tell me the truth right when she saw me? 

Edited December 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[larsen]

On 12/2/2021 at 2:02 AM, elpandillero said:

This makes it harder as it almost makes me feel like she was hesitating and it pains me a lot to know that maybe it could have worked had i met her 6 months later….

She was showing affection and hesitation right up to the end because she was undecided and conflicted- because she suddenly realized all the feelings she had for her ex were still there when they spent the night together.

She made her decision to go back, despite her feeling something for you as well.

You lost, and every day that you continue to hope and ruminate over her actions and intentions and what they might mean and playing the "what if" game in your head is only prolonging the agony.

 

[gringoloco]

25 minutes ago, larsen said:

She was showing affection and hesitation right up to the end because she was undecided and conflicted- because she suddenly realized all the feelings she had for her ex were still there when they spent the night together.

She made her decision to go back, despite her feeling something for you as well.

You lost, and every day that you continue to hope and ruminate over her actions and intentions and what they might mean and playing the "what if" game in your head is only prolonging the agony.

 

yeah i know i lost …

i didn’t really listen to her explanations while she was crying because i was too pissed of and just wanted to get her out of my place. i don’t even really know what she really did that night - she kept saying that « nothing happened » and she hadn’t cheated on me but she probably lied, nor do i really care at this point.

what disgusts me is how quickly she was able to turn on me / lied to me despite being able to text me « i’ll support you through everything » « i really like you and want to see you more in the evenings » litterally the day before. That’s beyond my understanding.

I thought she was someone of high value, and i can’t believe I was that wrong…

Edited December 3, 2021 by elpandillero

[Akashsingh]

Only date women who are truly single and no exes in pictures. If a woman hasnt fully resolved her past relationships, run away.  Unless there are kids, meeting with an ex is a no no.

Women will say anything they feel when they are with you. From all my past relationships what I have learnt is that what they said was their feeling then and not now. 

Also screen out flaky women and those that flip flop on things. You will save yourself a heartburn

Edited December 5, 2021 by Akashsingh

[gringoloco]

12 hours ago, Akashsingh said:

Only date women who are truly single and no exes in pictures. If a woman hasnt fully resolved her past relationships, run away.  Unless there are kids, meeting with an ex is a no no.

Women will say anything they feel when they are with you. From all my past relationships what I have learnt is that what they said was their feeling then and not now. 

Also screen out flaky women and those that flip flop on things. You will save yourself a heartburn

honestly I am struggling to forget her

it’s very difficult because we only had good times (apart from the last day) and we seemed to have an amazing connection, conversation was super fluid. to me it seemed that it was more than just a physical thing.

I am still hoping she will contact me after she realizes she made a stupid choice

I guess i am also very hurt in my ego because i am usually very successful with women and only was dumped once in my life while i did the dumping all the other times. Even though she technically didn’t « dump me » since i kicked her out, I can’t help but feeling very jealous of the ex who was able to get her back in the blink of an eye.

I thought i was a great option for her and felt pretty confident, so i don’t get how she was able to get back to him considering i am hotter, smarter, more ambitious… it’s just mindblowing and it really makes me doubt my value….

Edited December 5, 2021 by elpandillero

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, elpandillero said:

I guess i am also very hurt in my ego

Dating will be a lot easier if you get a handle on this and get your ego under control. You'll be more objective.

[gringoloco]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Dating will be a lot easier if you get a handle on this and get your ego under control. You'll be more objective.

probably, but i find it hard to get over the treason

i hate myself for not having dumped her earlier when i saw all the signs

and really i despise her from the bottom of my heart and will never understand how someone can be so lost and weak