dramafreezone Posted December 1, 2021 Posted December 1, 2021 1 hour ago, ShyViolet said: What on earth are you talking about? Asking a partner how many people they've been with is not an actual method of STD prevention. I have to agree here. You can sleep with one person and get an STD, or sleep with several and get none. I'm sure there is some correlation between number of sex partners and increased risk for STDs but would not make a judgement based solely on the number of partners that person has had. 1
Author StreetGal Posted December 2, 2021 Author Posted December 2, 2021 5 hours ago, dramafreezone said: I don't talk about exes, I think it's in poor taste and disrespecful of that relationship you had with the person. If I'm dating someone and I hear her talking about exes I think "is this what I have to look forward to?" Is she going to badmouth me if it doesn't work out? Or, it's the other side of that, is she not over this guy? Either way I don't think it's a good idea and I don't look favorably on people that talk about their exes. I don't know why its relevant. If you think this guy could have some kind of deviant behavior then you probably shouldn't be dating them. I felt the need to share something because I keep in touch with one (ex but not a relationship thing) so I had to explain this to him. I don’t say everyone has to but people having the mindset of not sharing seem weird to me. For example my friend has a baby with someone who has a repeated cheating history. She learned after long time and she was cheated many times by then. Sharing in that case would save some drama
Alpacalia Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 (edited) With all due respect, you seem to be preoccupied with your boyfriend's past. Is there any reason for you to be concerned in your current relationship where you don't feel emotionally safe or is there a problem in your current relationship? I'm not sure what the point of creating multiple hypothetical scenarios is or how it connects to your circumstance. What advantage do you see in discussing exes (or sexual partners) with him if everything else is fine and it isn't directly related to your current relationship or the issue at hand? Maybe he's had a lot of painful things happen with his ex and doesn't want to relive them? Edited December 2, 2021 by Alpaca 1
Gaeta Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 (edited) 13 hours ago, StreetGal said: She learned after long time and she was cheated many times by then. Sharing in that case would save some drama How would it save drama? It's not going to keep the new man from cheating if he's a cheater. If he's a good guy It's unfair to expect him to become her shrink and constantly reassure her he's not going to cheat. I was cheated on and I don't expect a new boyfriend to treat me differently because I went through that betrayal. It's my personal journey to deal with it. Edited December 2, 2021 by Gaeta
Wiseman2 Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 14 hours ago, StreetGal said: but people having the mindset of not sharing seem weird to me. And this is precisely why the acronym "TMI" was invented. Oversharing. That includes too much talk about exes and specifically sexual details. Employ self respect and keep your private business private. You need to define and enforce your own boundaries.
dramafreezone Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 (edited) 17 hours ago, StreetGal said: I felt the need to share something because I keep in touch with one (ex but not a relationship thing) so I had to explain this to him. I don’t say everyone has to but people having the mindset of not sharing seem weird to me. For example my friend has a baby with someone who has a repeated cheating history. She learned after long time and she was cheated many times by then. Sharing in that case would save some drama That just raises more questions. Do you feel as though you need this ex in your life? If so why? I'm one that feels that pretty much most relationships with the opposite sex should be diminished greatly when you're in a relationship, mainly out of respect for the SO. Does this ex fill a role that your BF cannot? I think most guys walking the face of this earth would not appreciate their GF maintaining a social relationship with an ex, even if it ended amicably. Edited December 2, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
Maldives Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 Maybe because who he is today is different to who he was back then in those relationships. He probably doesn't share because of the prejudice it might paint in Ur mind 2
mortensorchid Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 Sometimes I do if and when I am telling a significant story from the past that any of them were involved with. Other than that, I do not. I keep things to myself. It's because people have chewed me out enough over the years. I am going to stay relaxed, and to myself.
Author StreetGal Posted December 3, 2021 Author Posted December 3, 2021 On 12/2/2021 at 3:23 AM, Alpaca said: With all due respect, you seem to be preoccupied with your boyfriend's past. Is there any reason for you to be concerned in your current relationship where you don't feel emotionally safe or is there a problem in your current relationship? I'm not sure what the point of creating multiple hypothetical scenarios is or how it connects to your circumstance. What advantage do you see in discussing exes (or sexual partners) with him if everything else is fine and it isn't directly related to your current relationship or the issue at hand? Maybe he's had a lot of painful things happen with his ex and doesn't want to relive them? Actually I’m not worried at all about his past. Maybe more the other way around. We have mutual friends and we go way back so I know he was too quiet. I have a messy history and that’s why he says there’s nothing important to share. I started this because by sharing my history I see he is uncomfortable with it (learning about mine but also sharing his). He is overthinking, picturing it but I can’t have hard feelings about the past. I just wanna see why people are being too sensitive with their own and their partners past and if being insensitive is weird or wrong
CollinW Posted December 3, 2021 Posted December 3, 2021 Maybe I'm crazy but I'm an open book and I wouldn't mind talking about past relationships and experiences. Nothing tells you more about a person's future than their past. And how they describe their past situations says a lot about them. 1
Alpacalia Posted December 3, 2021 Posted December 3, 2021 You're going to get varied opinions about what people choose to share in their own relationship because each relationship is different. Some don't have a problem with it, and some do. But if you are fully aware that you are making your boyfriend uncomfortable, the best thing to do is to stop talking about it. Especially since he stated that he doesn't want to know about it. 48 minutes ago, StreetGal said: Actually I’m not worried at all about his past. Maybe more the other way around. We have mutual friends and we go way back so I know he was too quiet. I have a messy history and that’s why he says there’s nothing important to share. I started this because by sharing my history I see he is uncomfortable with it (learning about mine but also sharing his). He is overthinking, picturing it but I can’t have hard feelings about the past. I just wanna see why people are being too sensitive with their own and their partners past and if being insensitive is weird or wrong 1
Acacia98 Posted December 3, 2021 Posted December 3, 2021 On 12/2/2021 at 3:59 AM, StreetGal said: I felt the need to share something because I keep in touch with one (ex but not a relationship thing) so I had to explain this to him. I don’t say everyone has to but people having the mindset of not sharing seem weird to me. I can't tell from what you've written so far whether your staying in touch with your ex is problematic and disrespects your present relationship. It may be disrespectful, it may not. The details matter. Also, your sharing about this with your boyfriend may be a thoughtful act that helps to build trust in your relationship (because I imagine that if you hadn't told him and then he found out about it accidentally some time in the future, he'd assume you were betraying him and being deceptive about it). Alternatively, it may be designed to cause him to feel jealous and insecure in the relationship. A stranger such as myself who knows so little about you two and your relationship wouldn't be able to tell which was true. 1 hour ago, StreetGal said: I have a messy history and that’s why he says there’s nothing important to share. I started this because by sharing my history I see he is uncomfortable with it (learning about mine but also sharing his). He is overthinking, picturing it but I can’t have hard feelings about the past. What exactly do you mean by "a messy history"?
ChatroomHero Posted December 3, 2021 Posted December 3, 2021 I look at it like this, I tend to judge a woman's past differently than I judge mine. In my mind, my past relationships and what I did were defensible. I learned things from past relationships that changed how I am in present ones. Maybe I did selfish things in the past with women that I wouldn't do today because I learned I was wrong. Maybe I did things with other women I felt was right with them that wouldn't be right with different women. If a woman was non-confrontational vs one that loved drama, I'd be different with them. So any new partner I had would be unique, bringing up the past is probably not relevant to the current relationship. Since I wasn't involved, judging her on relationships in her past isn't fair. I have no idea the circumstances. So if I was like, "I can't believe you dated someone like that..." is hypocritical because in my own past I have relationships where she would think the same. It's not like he's going to ever say, I've been with so many sluts, it's unreal. I was toxic in my past relationships so you should take it as a red flag. You'll have a biased opinion no matter what. It's not like you are going to like or "approve" of anyone he has dated or anything he has done in his past. Him sharing a lot of details about past relationships no matter what they are, is not going to make you more comfortable with him. So I see it as counter-productive and only having negative consequences. I'm a virgin- Red flag. I've only been with two women- What's wrong with him, other women must not like him. He doesn't have experience, that's odd I've been with 10 women - That's a lot, he gets around. I've been with 20 women- That's a lot, he gets around. I've been with 100 women- That's a lot, he gets around. It's not like he's going to say I've been with 4 women and you'll be like, "Oh, that's the perfect target amount for no red flags". One thing I noticed about women interested in my past relationships, they want to know details about why it didn't work...I don't know, any number of reasons over the course of a year all added up. How to I quantify and explain that? How do I quantify I liked most things about her but one of her values just really conflicted with one of mine and after 4 months I felt it was a deal breaker? They check their facebook and say things like, "She's really pretty" and it becomes I must have liked the past woman more because she was really pretty. If I say she had issues, it becomes, "Why would you have been with her in the first place" and the answer isn't enough...I didn't know who she was until after we dated a while and by then it's not always easy to just end it. It's not always a matter of I figured it out all at once one day and ended it. It's just really a no win situation. I mean, what could your guy possibly tell you about his past that removes red flags and makes it a win? 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 3, 2021 Posted December 3, 2021 11 hours ago, StreetGal said: I have a messy history and that’s why he says there’s nothing important to share. by sharing my history I see he is uncomfortable with it Dating is not group therapy where everyone is forced to "share". He doesn't want to hear about your "messy" past. So retain your dignity and remember Privacy= Dignity = Self respect. Be open and honest about who you really are rather than hiding yourself behind sensationalistic hyperbole. 1
jdesey Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 No you do not talk about exes. And never say anything that’s very negative about your exes. 2
CLS63AMG Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 No. If anyone brings up their ex is means they aren't over them and likely are not ready to date - its a huge red flag. 2
Author StreetGal Posted December 13, 2021 Author Posted December 13, 2021 On 12/3/2021 at 9:06 AM, Alpaca said: But if you are fully aware that you are making your boyfriend uncomfortable, the best thing to do is to stop talking about it. Especially since he stated that he doesn't want to know about it. Well, conversations can go there, an answer may need mentioning something that will make him uncomfortable. If you mean I shouldn’t insist, I agree and I never even tried to start this talk. But stop talking about it can’t be an option as then you have to avoid answers or even lie.
Speedy79 Posted December 13, 2021 Posted December 13, 2021 While exes are people who were a part of my life, I really wish that stuff would stay in the past for the girls I've dated. Every single one has felt it necessary to bring them up. It really doesn't matter. Also, people say they want to know, but when you're told, then what do you do? Believe them? Not believe them? Pry for more info? That rabbit hole goes too deep for the speck of value it might have. Not worth it. 1
Alpacalia Posted December 13, 2021 Posted December 13, 2021 32 minutes ago, StreetGal said: Well, conversations can go there, an answer may need mentioning something that will make him uncomfortable. If you mean I shouldn’t insist, I agree and I never even tried to start this talk. But stop talking about it can’t be an option as then you have to avoid answers or even lie. It's a matter of personal preference. If you have a problem, I would be delighted to assist you. I'm not here to argue about your relationship with your boyfriend. He stated that it makes him uneasy, so proceed at your own risk.
Author StreetGal Posted December 13, 2021 Author Posted December 13, 2021 10 hours ago, CLS63AMG said: No. If anyone brings up their ex is means they aren't over them and likely are not ready to date - its a huge red flag. Bringing up your ex randomly at any time is a totally different thing than being able to talk about it. It’s normal to mention a lesson or an experience. For me, being uncomfortable and avoiding to talk about an ex is what makes you not over them.
Alpacalia Posted December 13, 2021 Posted December 13, 2021 (edited) Can you respect his (and your) preferences rather than putting them to the test for no reason or benefit to either of you? You mentioned a "messy history." Of course, you don't want to hide certain aspects of who you are, but do you believe that telling your boyfriend about your "messy past" will spark his interest, learn something from it, or bring you closer together? He doesn't apparently believe so. But you do. So, perhaps that is the issue in and of itself. Edited December 13, 2021 by Alpaca
Wiseman2 Posted December 13, 2021 Posted December 13, 2021 5 hours ago, StreetGal said: stop talking about it can’t be an option as then you have to avoid answers or even lie. Exactly. You need to improve self-respect and respect for others though appropriate privacy. It's not "lying" when you keep your private business to yourself. TMI is worse. Emotional and verbal diarrhea aren't good. Use appropriate discretion.
glows Posted December 13, 2021 Posted December 13, 2021 12 hours ago, StreetGal said: Bringing up your ex randomly at any time is a totally different thing than being able to talk about it. It’s normal to mention a lesson or an experience. For me, being uncomfortable and avoiding to talk about an ex is what makes you not over them. I think it makes sense if you have one main ex and that's where a person's primary experiences or opinions have been developed from so youth may have a role to play with this. It would be fascinating to go over and over the past because it's a novelty. What if you have more than one ex? Do you keep going on talking about how they all helped you develop your person, giving credit where credit is due so to speak, ad nauseum? I agree with you to an extent that being at peace with the past is important but I think a little discretion shows more respect. If your partner is uncomfortable with how much you talk about your past, I think it's good to listen. Otherwise, you're only in a relationship with yourself and your memories. 1
Author StreetGal Posted December 20, 2021 Author Posted December 20, 2021 On 12/13/2021 at 8:27 AM, Alpaca said: Can you respect his (and your) preferences rather than putting them to the test for no reason or benefit to either of you? You mentioned a "messy history." Of course, you don't want to hide certain aspects of who you are, but do you believe that telling your boyfriend about your "messy past" will spark his interest, learn something from it, or bring you closer together? He doesn't apparently believe so. But you do. So, perhaps that is the issue in and of itself. Actually my bf sees my past as a messy history, meaning there’s a lot there, comparing his. He doesn’t have more than few short term random flirts. I respect his feelings, I m not testing anything just questioning where people stand on sharing 1
Alpacalia Posted December 20, 2021 Posted December 20, 2021 12 hours ago, StreetGal said: Actually my bf sees my past as a messy history, meaning there’s a lot there, comparing his. He doesn’t have more than few short term random flirts. I respect his feelings, I m not testing anything just questioning where people stand on sharing I see. Well, I've had both. One boyfriend where we both shared everything with each other and neither judged the other or felt threatened. But, I've also had the opposite. I preferred the former. Hope that helps.
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