do you talk about exes?

[StreetGal]

Is it weird talking about an ex or sharing how many people you have been with?

I always wanted to know info about how many people my partner has been with, how many were just a flirt or a relationship. Of course I don’t get stuck on their past but I think it helps you know your partner better.

My boyfriend however refuses to say anything about exes. I only know he had nothing longer than 3 months and we are already 2 years. We share everything so this one seems a bit weird. He knows all about my past and sometimes he asks stuff even though he seems uncomfortable talking about it.

I know it’s not only him so could anyone explain why some people refuse to share about their exes? 

[Carlon]

I don't need to hear did with other men in the past. The mental images are hard to quit.

Sometimes things that happened in the past are better left undiscussed.

 

Edited December 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[StreetGal]

There’s a limit. I don’t wanna know exactly his sexual technique the others but I wanna know if they were 100 or 2.  
You don’t wanna know if your gf cheated in every relationship she had? If when she was 18 dated a 50year old dude? 
 

Edited December 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Carlon]

12 minutes ago, StreetGal said:

You don’t wanna know if your gf cheated in every relationship she had? If when she was 18 dated a 50year old dude? 
 

You think she'd fess up?

The question is rhetorical.

[StreetGal]

11 minutes ago, Carlon said:

You think she'd fess up?

The question is rhetorical.

Probably not. So not sharing bcs you are guilty for your past? That’s the reason?

[basil67]

I've never had a problem with sharing about my relationship history, but that's because I have a mindset of if he objects to the number of partners or something then we are simply incompatible.   And I wouldn't accept being guilt tripped by an insecure partner.  Likewise, I don't mind knowing my partner's history.

I think that one of the reasons others are disinclined to share is because there are a number of people who do seem to get wigged out by knowing stuff about their partner's past.  They find it easier to leave the past in the past and not risk having it upset something good. 

[StreetGal]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I've never had a problem with sharing about my relationship history, but that's because I have a mindset of if he objects to the number of partners or something then we are simply incompatible.   And I wouldn't accept being guilt tripped by an insecure partner.  Likewise, I don't mind knowing my partner's history.

I think that one of the reasons others are disinclined to share is because there are a number of people who do seem to get wigged out by knowing stuff about their partner's past.  They find it easier to leave the past in the past and not risk having it upset something good. 

I agree with you but as I said, my boyfriend knows already and even asks me about stuff. For sure he is not cool and being uncomfortable talking about it. But the reason he s not sharing can’t be my past 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, StreetGal said:

 He knows all about my past and sometimes he asks stuff even though he seems uncomfortable talking about it.

That he asked about me but wouldn't talk about himself would make me uncomfortable. 

Personally, I don't mind talking about exes, but only if it's relevant and not too intrusive and doesn't become the focus of our relationship. "Too intrusive" would be something like asking about the body count or wanting to know a list of everyone I'd ever slept with.

[glows]

3 hours ago, StreetGal said:

Is it weird talking about an ex or sharing how many people you have been with?

I always wanted to know info about how many people my partner has been with, how many were just a flirt or a relationship. Of course I don’t get stuck on their past but I think it helps you know your partner better.

My boyfriend however refuses to say anything about exes. I only know he had nothing longer than 3 months and we are already 2 years. We share everything so this one seems a bit weird. He knows all about my past and sometimes he asks stuff even though he seems uncomfortable talking about it.

I know it’s not only him so could anyone explain why some people refuse to share about their exes? 

It may be the way you're asking also or putting him on the spot or asking questions that are inappropriate or out of context in the moment. Or, he may keep in contact with those individuals he was "just a flirt" with or in a relationship. I don't see why you need to know why someone was just a flirt either, for example, unless you suspect he's still flirting and communicating with certain individuals. Is that the case?

If you feel there is dishonesty or a barrier in your communication, something out of balance between the two of you where you are sharing a lot and he doesn't reciprocate, I think you ought to rethink whether you're on the same page or whether you know each other as well as you think you do. To me, this reads as unease to the point of ceaseless investigation and you don't feel confident in the relationship itself. 

Are there any other issues between the two of you? You've been together for two years. Do you both have any future plans?

 

[StreetGal]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

That he asked about me but wouldn't talk about himself would make me uncomfortable. 

Personally, I don't mind talking about exes, but only if it's relevant and not too intrusive and doesn't become the focus of our relationship. "Too intrusive" would be something like asking about the body count or wanting to know a list of everyone I'd ever slept with.

The truth is he never said I’m not telling you and I never asked directly or tried hard to know. He just avoided giving information saying it’s not important. I know him well enough to know there was nothing important and he is a complete honest person and shares everything. 
But talking about my exes or his makes him uncomfortable. So I am wondering if it’s important to share or not 

[StreetGal]

2 hours ago, glows said:

It may be the way you're asking also or putting him on the spot or asking questions that are inappropriate or out of context in the moment. Or, he may keep in contact with those individuals he was "just a flirt" with or in a relationship. I don't see why you need to know why someone was just a flirt either, for example, unless you suspect he's still flirting and communicating with certain individuals. Is that the case?

If you feel there is dishonesty or a barrier in your communication, something out of balance between the two of you where you are sharing a lot and he doesn't reciprocate, I think you ought to rethink whether you're on the same page or whether you know each other as well as you think you do. To me, this reads as unease to the point of ceaseless investigation and you don't feel confident in the relationship itself. 

Are there any other issues between the two of you? You've been together for two years. Do you both have any future plans?

 

I m not questioning our relationship or his honesty at all. If I insist he will tell me for sure and won’t hide anything.

What I’m questioning is the importance of sharing these kind of things. And if it is wrong that I’m being to cool with it (not being jealous etc) or if it is wrong he is being uncomfortable about it (like if we meet my ex he is stuck thinking about it)

[Alpacalia]

Do you want to discuss about his previous relationships because you're bothered by the fact that there's a missing piece?

Some people like to keep certain things to themselves, and your boyfriend's past appears to be one of them. But, I understand why you may prefer to be with someone who is upfront and honest about their previous relationships, but that doesn’t mean sharing everything, though. 

 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, StreetGal said:

I m not questioning our relationship or his honesty at What I’m questioning is the importance of sharing these kind of things. And if it is wrong that I’m being to cool with it (not being jealous etc) or if it is wrong he is being uncomfortable about it (like if we meet my ex he is stuck thinking about it)

There's nothing wrong with not having a problem with it. And there's generally nothing wrong with being uncomfortable about it within reason. I think being stuck (with emphasis on the word "stuck") thinking about it whenever you bump into your ex is a bit too much.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, StreetGal said:

My boyfriend however refuses to say anything about exes. 

He's right. It's none of your business, except the basics. 

Not only that but anything you say can and will be held against you.

Furturemore, it's living in the past rather than getting to know the person in front of you.

It may be an ok game for teen slumber parties, but truth-or-dare is not how to go about dating and getting to know someone.

[glows]

4 hours ago, StreetGal said:

I m not questioning our relationship or his honesty at all. If I insist he will tell me for sure and won’t hide anything.

What I’m questioning is the importance of sharing these kind of things. And if it is wrong that I’m being to cool with it (not being jealous etc) or if it is wrong he is being uncomfortable about it (like if we meet my ex he is stuck thinking about it)

To answer your question, it's not very important. If you trust your partner, there's no need to over-question small, nitty gritty details. He hasn't been with anyone longer than three months and you say you are not questioning the relationship or his honesty. That should tell you all you need to know. You may be more experienced than he is in relationships and he may have nothing much to share in the first place (three months is practically negligible). Be kind and intelligent when you ask your questions and try not to hurt someone or make your partner uncomfortable just because you need to prove a point such as "not being jealous". This can come across as petty so while you are not wrong, it's not nice to be around someone like that.

If anything and he wasn't a virgin when he met you, you both may agree to have an STD test taken to rest your mind at ease. Focus on the big picture and the way things affect you instead of looking for random pieces of info that have no bearing on your relationship now. You'll be a kinder and more supportive girlfriend instead of what you are doing here.

Bond together and create new memories. I asked the earlier questions because two years is a good time to figure out whether you see this going any further or if it's a time waster relationship for you or just not what you see yourself in long term. 

 

 

Edited December 1, 2021 by glows

[clia]

I don't think it's important at all, and to be honest, I find it strange when people on this site talk about wanting to know all of this history of their partner.  It's really no one's business.  It's not something I've ever discussed with anyone I've dated, or even my husband.  What's important is how he is treating you and what your relationship is like -- now who he was with in the past and for how long and what that relationship was like.  It just doesn't matter.    

[SumGuy]

11 hours ago, StreetGal said:

...I know it’s not only him so could anyone explain why some people refuse to share about their exes? 

Depends on context but it is generally bad form.  If someone goes on about their ex people wonder if they are still hung up on them, no matter if it is positive or negative.   In the melieu I am in, and have been in, those who share a lot about exes or are overly interested in someone else's exes are considered bores and/or nuts.  Not saying you are, but in my experience tread carefully on this.  Generally deep conversations about exes is something that takes along time before it becomes less than odd, like you have been together for years and are very serious.

Now to contradict myself    Some people can handle talk about exes, at least around sex, likes, dislikes, tried, not tried.  Alas few are so sex positive and not prone to jealous or judgment.

[Gaeta]

When I was 20 years old I thought I should know everything about my boyfriend so I asked those indiscreet questions, how many girlfriends, how many sex partners, and he answered. I could never EVER erased those answers from my young inexperienced mind. It brought nothing to our relationship, it did not bring us closer or help me get to know him.

3 months relationships are irrelevant. I don't know what could be interesting to you in knowing the details of such short relationships. They hardly count as relationships they're more like dating experiences. 

Like others have said what counts is how he treats you, if he keeps his word, if he makes you feel like you matter. 

[smackie9]

A brief mention about an ex, sure, or how things went side ways that ended the relationship sure, but about sex, no I find that's none of my business and don't care to know. Deep conversations about exes, no. I save that for those girls weekends drunk in the hot tub exchanging horror stories. Actually I don't see a real need to get into details with a partner. I think it's dumb. Most people learn, grow and change after each relationship.

Edited December 1, 2021 by smackie9

[Ami1uwant]

13 hours ago, StreetGal said:

Is it weird talking about an ex or sharing how many people you have been with?

I always wanted to know info about how many people my partner has been with, how many were just a flirt or a relationship. Of course I don’t get stuck on their past but I think it helps you know your partner better.

My boyfriend however refuses to say anything about exes. I only know he had nothing longer than 3 months and we are already 2 years. We share everything so this one seems a bit weird. He knows all about my past and sometimes he asks stuff even though he seems uncomfortable talking about it.

I know it’s not only him so could anyone explain why some people refuse to share about their exes? 

They are hiding something.

 

this might not be a big deal if you are in your early 20s.  Say you are in your mid 30s….it’s fair to know about relationship experience. Did they have any LDRs or were married? Do they have children? Do they want children or be a stepparent?

 

early on this isn’t a dig into the details thing. If someone’s longest serious relationship was 3 months then that should be a red flag.

 

later on in the relationship you should get into more details of why they liked thst partner to date them and why did it end.

[ShyViolet]

44 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

They are hiding something.

this might not be a big deal if you are in your early 20s.  Say you are in your mid 30s….it’s fair to know about relationship experience. Did they have any LDRs or were married? Do they have children? Do they want children or be a stepparent?

Oh come on.  We're not talking about knowing whether someone has been married, whether they have children or whether they want children.

[ShyViolet]

OP, it is not a good idea to push this issue and keep asking probing questions about your boyfriend's past relationships and exes.  I'm not sure what you think there is to gain from doing this.  Especially "how many people have you been with" type of questions are super invasive and inappropriate.  I never dare to ask boyfriends that question because it's none of my business and I'd rather not know.  The only information partners really need to share is the basics, like how long their longest relationship was, what age they started dating, stuff like that.  Asking lots of questions about exes is invasive and really none of your business, and it's very unlikely to make the relationship stronger.  The only thing that matters is building a relationship together NOW.  

He's actually smart for not wanting to discuss it.  He has already shown you that he's uncomfortable with these questions, so you insisting on pushing the issue is actually kind of disrespectful.  

[dramafreezone]

I don't talk about exes, I think it's in poor taste and disrespecful of that relationship you had with the person. 

If I'm dating someone and I hear her talking about exes I think "is this what I have to look forward to?"  Is she going to badmouth me if it doesn't work out?

Or, it's the other side of that, is she not over this guy?  Either way I don't think it's a good idea and I don't look favorably on people that talk about their exes.

I don't know why its relevant.  If you think this guy could have some kind of deviant behavior then you probably shouldn't be dating them.

Edited December 1, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Ami1uwant]

43 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

OP, it is not a good idea to push this issue and keep asking probing questions about your boyfriend's past relationships and exes.  I'm not sure what you think there is to gain from doing this.  Especially "how many people have you been with" type of questions are super invasive and inappropriate.  I never dare to ask boyfriends that question because it's none of my business and I'd rather not know.  The only information partners really need to share is the basics, like how long their longest relationship was, what age they started dating, stuff like that.  Asking lots of questions about exes is invasive and really none of your business, and it's very unlikely to make the relationship stronger.  The only thing that matters is building a relationship together NOW.  

He's actually smart for not wanting to discuss it.  He has already shown you that he's uncomfortable with these questions, so you insisting on pushing the issue is actually kind of disrespectful.  

How do you know it’s safe to have sex?

 

yet people wonder why a relationship fails after 3-5 yrs but if they asked the right questions around dste5 would have saved them 3-5 yrs….

[ShyViolet]

7 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

How do you know it’s safe to have sex?

yet people wonder why a relationship fails after 3-5 yrs but if they asked the right questions around dste5 would have saved them 3-5 yrs….

What on earth are you talking about?  Asking a partner how many people they've been with is not an actual method of STD prevention.