do I bother with this chick?

[ccas93]

So I (28) match with this girl (29) on Bumble who I've matched with a bunch of times, but we have never talked. She lives in my hometown about a mile from me. This time, she actually sent me a message, and I was excited to finally talk with her! She's a cute girl, not a knockout but kinda cute, and I liked her presentation in her profile. The short conversation flowed pretty well, and she gave me her number, telling me I was a great conversationalist, and asked for my last name so she could save my number. I thought that was kind of weird but OK, and I got the sense it was more for stalking purposes. But I was excited to possibly have a new friend or potential date who lives so close by. 

so she texts me in the morning - "struggling to get moving today." That's it. And I'm thinking like... OK? That's nice? But I try to work with it and restart last night's conversation. And then she proceeds to engage in the most dry, surface level conversation with me. I'm asking some questions about her, but she isn't trying to get to know me as a person in return. It's all about her, and her answers are not even interesting. Almost like she's not trying. So my answers get shorter, because I hate these kind of dating app conversations, and feeling kind of disappointed, but she keeps the conversation going by sending me a picture of her dog drinking a doggie beverage (that our local cafe sells for dogs.) I respond that it's a cute picture and cute that the cafe sells those. Then she asks me if I go crabbing (first question she asked me since the night before - but a random and weird one). I said no, but would be interesting to try it sometime. She said she occasionally goes, and might go that day, and I just respond back "nice, cool hobby" and let the conversation die because she doesn't seem genuinely interested in getting to know me. If she did seem authentic, I would have asked her to hang out or suggested she show me how to crab, since we live so close by each other. But fiigured that was that, another one bites the dust. Whatever. 

Then, that evening she texts me yet again (this time with emjois) saying that she only caught one crab, and that the sunset was gorgeous, so one more time I try to spark the conversation with some questions about crabbing... when's crabbing season, does she eat the crabs she catches, stuff like that.. and all the responds back is "oh yeah. I could eat crabbies everyday." so I respond back "lol cool" (AKA this third time is not a charm and I'm shutting this down probably for good). A few minutes after that, she adds me on Instagram. Like... why? Why not ask me questions about myself and get to know me? Is social media a substitute for actually talking with me beyond some surface level crap? She's posted a few times, but I won't press the like button for her. 

I'm actually disappointed because I looked through her IG and she actually seems like she could be somewhat of a cool person. But not sure if I should bother trying again, because chatting with her was making me cringe. Maybe in person she is cool. 

Edited November 30, 2021 by ccas93

[Carlon]

She asked you for your last name so she can background check you.

 

[ccas93]

I know that. I didn't care since my social media profiles are private, and you won't find anything bad about me on google.  

[sushiandtacos]

It seems like her mentioning that she's going crabbing was a way for you to ask to join. She does seem interested because she restarts the conversations after you let them die lol. 

Kinda seems like she's the girl to seem passive and not over-interested, wanting the guy to make the initial moves. Or maybe she's a bad texter and is better in person? Just ask her out! You won't know what kind of person she is with just words on a screen.

[Carlon]

Running a background check on a potential dating partner is not the same thing as stalking.

 

[ccas93]

yeah I wasn't being literal

[ccas93]

I'm heading out to work shortly, I'll field any replies when I get back. Not that this topic is super important, I was more just confused about this girls actions and was casually wondering what other people thought about this. 

I haven't posted here in a long time, and I didn't date from March to September this year, and it was great to take a step back and heal from some sour experiences. I've been having a much better time this go around, after letting go of some baggage and changing my mindset a bit. 

[smackie9]

She's just one of those time wasters...she's bored so she chats for the hell of it.

How it should go is, she asks you a few questions, and you ask something about her, then you ask her out on a date. That's how it's done. Not random text messages about hardly anything, not really engaging in anything. She's dead weight, throw her back.

[Girl Fade Away]

7 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

Not that this topic is super important, I was more just confused about this girls actions and was casually wondering what other people thought about this. 

Well since she's got your brain in a bit of a spin and wondering about her, enough so to take the time to create a thread on an anonymous advice forum, she must be doing something right!!   

Why not get to the bottom of the mystery and ask her out?

Edited November 30, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

Yes, after she mentioned the crabbing, you had a fantastic opportunity.

If you're interested, simply ask her out.

If not, return the crabbie to the water.

[ccas93]

3 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Well since she's got your brain in a bit of a spin and wondering about her, enough so to take the time to create a thread on an advice forum, she must be doing something right!!   

haha, A little bit. I've just never had someone behave that way. Usually low interest is low interest. And like I've said, I've been seeing her around for a while, so I was a little disappointed with how it went! Felt anti-climatic. Esp since I think she would have found me interesting, had she dug even just a little bit. 

Edited November 30, 2021 by ccas93

[Girl Fade Away]

4 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

haha, A little bit. I've just never had someone behave that way. Usually low interest is low interest. And like I've said, I've been seeing her around for a while, so I was a little disappointed with how it went! Felt anti-climatic. Esp since I think she would have found me interesting, had she dug even just a little bit. 

Honestly, ask her out.  Gage how she interacts with you IN PERSON.   Many people are shy texters, have trouble finding the words, overall bad as texting.  It does not mean they are not interested.  The fact she continues to text you even if it's nothingness indicates her interest.

Ask her out, what are you afraid of?   Take the lead.   Worst she can say is no or come up with a lame excuse, and if she does, then you know she is not interested and wasting your time.

 

[Lauriebell82]

It's possible she is just nervous while texting with a new person. I think you are being a little harsh on her. The way I see it you have two choices. You either ask her out and if you aren't feeling her then no harm, no foul. Or chalk it up to a bad match all around and stop talking to her. 

I think she asked for your last name so she could save it in her phone due to the fact that she probably has multiple people with your same first name in there. Do you know how many guys I met on dating apps with the same name? It was a huge problem! I would always just ask their last initial though. Never last name until I actually met them in person and went out on multiple dates. I didn't ever do background checks unless I was seriously thinking about them meeting my kids and a relationship was established. Those cost $40 and give you criminal history, addresses, ect. The main thing I was interested in was criminal history. 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Lauriebell82

[Lauriebell82]

1 hour ago, ccas93 said:

haha, A little bit. I've just never had someone behave that way. Usually low interest is low interest. And like I've said, I've been seeing her around for a while, so I was a little disappointed with how it went! Felt anti-climatic. Esp since I think she would have found me interesting, had she dug even just a little bit. 

What were your expectations exactly? For her to ask you all about yourself right off the bat? In my mind that's what the first date is for. Not something to be done over text. The first few text convos are just to determine if you like to interact with the person enough to want to meet them. The "get to know you" is during/after the first date. Why invest all that time and and effort asking questions to someone you may/may not have chemistry with?

[Carlon]

2 hours ago, ccas93 said:

yeah I wasn't being literal

Whats the point of not being literal?

Are you here for advice or to just joke around?

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, ccas93 said:

I'm heading out to work shortly, I'll field any replies when I get back. Not that this topic is super important, I was more just confused about this girls actions and was casually wondering what other people thought about this. 

I haven't posted here in a long time, and I didn't date from March to September this year, and it was great to take a step back and heal from some sour experiences. I've been having a much better time this go around, after letting go of some baggage and changing my mindset a bit. 

I’ve had this happen many times.

 

I want back and forth conversation. I don’t want one sided Q/A.  Similarly I don’t want to constantly be the conversation initiator..

[Lauriebell82]

9 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

I’ve had this happen many times.

 

I want back and forth conversation. I don’t want one sided Q/A.  Similarly I don’t want to constantly be the conversation initiator..

Yeah, sounds like annoying dating games if you ask me. I hear that from people too. Like seriously. Not everyone's strong suit is texting. Not everyone's strong suit is the phone conversation. Sometimes one part of the couple has to be the driving force to make it function better and create balance. It's been my experience that people who are this picky have a hard time finding partners to relate to in the dating world.

Edited December 1, 2021 by Lauriebell82

[ChatroomHero]

I don't know, chat isn't real conversation when it's someone you don't know. She may write 20 words in chat she thinks paints a clear picture and thinks you will take one way and you take it the complete opposite of what she intended. In person you could see how she says it, her body language, what her eyes are saying, etc. 

I've had enough great chats that when you meet in person their body language and delivery relays a different understanding of what they are saying and they are different than who you thought they were in chat. Like in chat if she says, "that sounds great" you take it one way but in person she says it and rolls her eyes at the same time or says it sarcastically you take it the opposite. I'd take the chance on her and judge her, not her chat persona which might not be representative of who she actually is.

[ccas93]

2 hours ago, Lauriebell82 said:

 

I think she asked for your last name so she could save it in her phone due to the fact that she probably has multiple people with your same first name in there. 

I actually have a super unusual first name. She probably doesn't know another one of me! I didn't really want to give it to her, but I had already verified she was a real person and I chanced it.

[ccas93]

2 hours ago, Lauriebell82 said:

What were your expectations exactly? For her to ask you all about yourself right off the bat? In my mind that's what the first date is for. Not something to be done over text. The first few text convos are just to determine if you like to interact with the person enough to want to meet them. The "get to know you" is during/after the first date. Why invest all that time and and effort asking questions to someone you may/may not have chemistry with?

my expectations were some sort of human interest in me as an individual. Not a lot of questions necessarily. I didn't really like talking to her the second day, found it somewhat annoying and awkward and boring, and I have other prospects I could spend time on. I just didn't feel very motivated to ask her out I guess, but I do find her decently attractive and somewhat interested in her. I wouldn't say I'm that picky at all, I just don't like wasting time on people who i think could be annoying and self absorbed. Because often times they are, and then I'm frustrated.

Edited December 1, 2021 by ccas93

[ccas93]

1 hour ago, ChatroomHero said:

I don't know, chat isn't real conversation when it's someone you don't know. She may write 20 words in chat she thinks paints a clear picture and thinks you will take one way and you take it the complete opposite of what she intended. In person you could see how she says it, her body language, what her eyes are saying, etc. 

I've had enough great chats that when you meet in person their body language and delivery relays a different understanding of what they are saying and they are different than who you thought they were in chat. Like in chat if she says, "that sounds great" you take it one way but in person she says it and rolls her eyes at the same time or says it sarcastically you take it the opposite. I'd take the chance on her and judge her, not her chat persona which might not be representative of who she actually is.

absolutely could be this too. Which is why I didn't immediately write her off and was wondering what people thought about giving it another chance

[Lauriebell82]

2 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

I actually have a super unusual first name. She probably doesn't know another one of me! I didn't really want to give it to her, but I had already verified she was a real person and I chanced it.

Well in that case a good boundary for the future would be to give your first initial. If the woman says this is not acceptable then you could politely ask why she is in need of your last name. You are entitled to your privacy, especially with someone whom you haven't met. If a woman keeps pushing and it makes you uncomfortable then obviously its a red flag. Online dating can bring out the crazies. I can't tell you how many unsolicited dick pics I have gotten sent when online dating.

Now I'm not sure that's the case with the girl in question here. Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt since from what you said she hasn't done anything that has sparked my radar. 

[Lauriebell82]

8 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

my expectations were some sort of human interest in me as an individual. Not a lot of questions necessarily. I didn't really like talking to her the second day, found it somewhat annoying and awkward and boring, and I have other prospects I could spend time on. I just didn't feel very motivated to ask her out I guess, but I do find her decently attractive and somewhat interested in her. I wouldn't say I'm that picky at all, I just don't like wasting time on people who i think could be annoying and self absorbed. Because often times they are, and then I'm frustrated.

Well fair enough. Maybe you are just pre-maturely judging her and she's not great at chatting with someone she hasnt met. I sometimes found it ackward as well trying to chat with new guys that I just met online dating. Sometimes everything clicked, sometimes it didn't. What I found weird at times also was I would have really really great chats both over text, on the app, and phone...then we get to the date and bam zero connection or chemistry! It's like there was nothing there at all. Then other times the texting and phone convos would be a little bit more awkward early on (nerves maybe) but in person it was fabulous! Great chemistry, great connection. And then as our nerves got better those convos got less ackward too. 

My two cents. 

[ccas93]

3 minutes ago, Lauriebell82 said:

Well fair enough. Maybe you are just pre-maturely judging her and she's not great at chatting with someone she hasnt met. I sometimes found it ackward as well trying to chat with new guys that I just met online dating. Sometimes everything clicked, sometimes it didn't. What I found weird at times also was I would have really really great chats both over text, on the app, and phone...then we get to the date and bam zero connection or chemistry! It's like there was nothing there at all. Then other times the texting and phone convos would be a little bit more awkward early on (nerves maybe) but in person it was fabulous! Great chemistry, great connection. And then as our nerves got better those convos got less ackward too. 

My two cents. 

Absolutely, I've had both of those situations happen myself!! We will see what happens and how I feel about talking to her again, I haven't deleted her off IG yet or anything. 

[Alpacalia]

OP maybe she just doesn't find you all that interesting.

Probably best to move on to someone that suits your style more and shows more interest in you initially.

Edited December 1, 2021 by Alpaca