Will this answer to my gf's question turn her off?

[ironpony]

My gf asks sometimes why things didn't work out between me and a long term ex before, and the reason why is she refused to sign a prenup when we talked about getting married.  But will telling my current gf the answer to that question likely turn her off though, which is why I am reluctant to talk about it?  Thanks for any input on this!  I really appreciate it.

[Woggle]

If it turns her off she is not the one for you. No quality woman is turned off by a man protecting himself.

[basil67]

If you were to marry your current g/f, would you want a prenup?   If so, you may as well be honest.   Otherwise, you could waste a whole lot of time with her only to be dumped when she refuses to sign one.  

Also, bear in mind that your g/f's young age and naivety will be relevant.  A woman who has a divorce already behind her is far more likely to be pragmatic about such things than a romantic, inexperienced young woman.  

[ironpony]

I haven't really thought about that yet actually.  But could you be more explicit in what you mean, sorry?

[glows]

You didn't get along with your ex and were incompatible. That's all she needs to know for reasons for your previous break up. If you want a prenup at marriage, cross that bridge or bring the topic at a more appropriate time. The prenup topic will be about your future and your current gf's, nothing to do with your ex. 

 

[ironpony]

Okay thanks, I can do that.  I guess I just feel guilty about withholding certain details about my past when it comes to getting to know me better, unless I am feeling too guilty over it?

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

I haven't really thought about that yet actually.  But could you be more explicit in what you mean, sorry?

I wrote a few different things - which part wasn't clear?

[ironpony]

Oh sorry, this part here:  "A woman who has a divorce already behind her is far more likely to be pragmatic about such things than a romantic, inexperienced young woman."

You are saying that she will more likely deal with it in a negative compared to someone who has already been divorced?

[basil67]

Exactly.  As a young idealistic woman, I would have taken it as a sign that he expected the marriage to fail.  I wouldn't have signed.

But as an older, divorced woman who has kids, I'd make sure my (and their) assets were protected and I wouldn't move in with someone - let alone marry - without one.  

[ironpony]

Oh okay.  If this were to come up in the future, should I try to explain it to her in a way, in which she wouldn't see it from such an idealistic point of view?

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

My gf asks sometimes why things didn't work out between me and a long term ex before, and the reason why is she refused to sign a prenup when we talked about getting married.  But will telling my current gf the answer to that question likely turn her off though, which is why I am reluctant to talk about it?  Thanks for any input on this!  I really appreciate it.

Why things didn’t work out is fair question to ask and on opportunity for you to say what is important to you in a marriage.

 

the question is why sign a prenup?  Do you have a lot of built wealth?  Or are you still going to school and don’t want them to get a piece even if they are supporting you?

a second marriage there is more understanding in this as long as you aren’t entirely shutting them out if you died.

[ironpony]

Oh no, not wanting to shut a partner out.  It's just that I have savings in an account for later on in life, and I didn't want to loose any of that, and guys I know who got divorced really got took to the cleaners it seemed, so I was being cautious with that, based on other people's experiences.  But I definitely would want a hopefully fair compromise and wouldn't want to leave a partner with nothing of course.

Edited November 30, 2021 by ironpony

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay.  If this were to come up in the future, should I try to explain it to her in a way, in which she wouldn't see it from such an idealistic point of view?

Your bigger issue is how she'd react right now.  

[ironpony]

I'm not sure.  She's kind of a mystery when it comes to things like that so far.  She is jaded in some of her worldviews and idealistic in others.

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

a second marriage there is more understanding in this as long as you aren’t entirely shutting them out if you died.

And this is exactly the kind of thing where a prenup is really important if one has serious assets.   My imaginary prenup would state that all of my assets go to my children and that I would give the second husband about a year to vacate the marital house - assuming that he didn't just move back into the house he owns.   Or if I was living in his place, the ownership of my home would immediately go to my children.

Naturally, I'd sign a prenup allowing him to to bequest all of his own assets to his own children too. 

Edited November 30, 2021 by basil67

[Ami1uwant]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And this is exactly the kind of thing where a prenup is really important if one has serious assets.   My imaginary prenup would state that all of my assets go to my children and that I would give the second husband about a year to vacate the marital house - assuming that he didn't just move back into the house he owns.   Or if I was living in his place, the ownership of my home would immediately go to my children.

Naturally, I'd sign a prenup allowing him to to bequest all of his own assets to his own children too. 

I would expect in a second marriage would be something reasonable to the survivor thru their life.  I wouldn’t want a new spouse to end up homeless because I died but gave my inheritance to my hypothetical kids.  I would be certain the kids got an inheritance and it wouldn't go all to her.

[ShyViolet]

You were smart to insist on a prenup.  There was nothing wrong with that.  In a healthy relationship you can be open with each other and not have to hide important details about your life.  You should be able to be honest with her about this.  If she has a problem with it and makes a big deal about it, then she's being immature and unreasonable, and it should tell you something about her as a person.  It might be a reason to be very careful about things with her in the future.

[basil67]

@Ami1uwantWhat if the survivor had a home of their own and was a self funded retiree?  (yes, that's how old I am and the socio economic I live in)

Edited November 30, 2021 by basil67

[ironpony]

I could also tell her that the government has turned marriage into a business in the last few decades and this is a good reason for a prenup, but will this be a good approach in explaining that to her?

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, ironpony said:

I could also tell her that the government has turned marriage into a business in the last few decades and this is a good reason for a prenup, but will this be a good approach in explaining that to her?

Simply saying that you have significant savings, and a prenup is important to you to protect your assets, should be a sufficient explanation.  Again, if she doesn't understand that and gets all upset or weird about it, then that will tell you a lot about her maturity level.  And I would be concerned about the future of this relationship if she gets weird about this issue.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I could also tell her that the government has turned marriage into a business in the last few decades and this is a good reason for a prenup, but will this be a good approach in explaining that to her?

You could, but I'm not sure she'd have any idea what you're referring to.  (I don't know what you're referring to)

[ironpony]

Oh well what I mean is that the government and the courts have made some really questionable and considerably unfair decisions in when it comes to assets in a divorce, so I want remove the government from getting involved in our marriage, hence pre-nup, is what I meant.

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh well what I mean is that the government and the courts have made some really questionable and considerably unfair decisions in when it comes to assets in a divorce, so I want remove the government from getting involved in our marriage, hence pre-nup, is what I meant.

I understand issues about lawyers, but what does the government have to do with it?   That said, you can't blame the lawyer, because they are acting on the instruction of their client. 

Edited to add: I've been divorced and my lawyer complimented us on having such a cooperative and civil divorce.  They could have gone after him for every penn if I'd instructed it, but I didn't do so.   Likewise, his lawyer could have come after me for things but didn't.

 

Edited November 30, 2021 by basil67

[ironpony]

Well I mentioned how people I know got taken to the cleaners in the divorce, and it wasn't the lawyers who had the final say on that but the courts, and the courts are the goverment, or at least acting on the governments laws and ways.

[basil67]

So you're complaining that there are laws and guidelines to help a couple have a fair divorce?   This complaint will not help her understand. 

 

Edited November 30, 2021 by basil67