Angel2021 Posted November 30, 2021 Share Posted November 30, 2021 This could potentially be a really long post but I’m desperate for advice. I (F20) met my boyfriend (M29) in July of this year - it was meant to be a hookup but we really enjoyed each others company. We then became ‘friends with benefits’ and then started dating. We became official in October. I was so happy - we have tons in common, laugh non-stop when we are together and are really understanding of each other. The only major red flag I saw was that he wouldn’t have me over to his house (I have been twice since we met in July) and he said this was because his sister is staying with him and she is super depressed. However, the day after we made it official I had come across a woman’s Instagram account (due to mutual followers) and it turns out that my boyfriend had a girlfriend the entire time we were together. I was obviously distraught and confronted him, he eventually came out and said that their relationship was super problematic and from what it sounds like, I think he was being abused. I helped him end it with her and he reassured me that he loved me and only wanted to be with me. Since they split up, he had seen her at least twice but never told me until I confronted him but he said it was just for closure. The next few weeks were super rough for me as I was anxious and paranoid but we worked through it. He promised me his behaviour would improve and that he would go above and beyond for me. I started to feel better, but then I found out that he was living with his ‘ex’ fiancée and her ‘new partner’. A huge part of me believes that she isn’t an ‘ex’ fiancée at all - which would explain why I’m never allowed to go over to his - but I don’t know if I’m just paranoid because of our past situation. He has obviously told me that they aren’t together and why they split up, and he doesn’t mind living with them. I did some digging though and his sister isn’t staying with him, even though he tells me stories all the time as if she is there (I haven’t confronted him about this yet though). At the moment he is super depressed and there is a lot going on in his life. He said because of his depression he gets brain fog and has turned up hours late to our plans. It’s made me feel really rubbish on top of everything else. I don’t really think it demonstrates changed behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted December 1, 2021 Share Posted December 1, 2021 It doesn’t sound as if you trust him and he has already broken your trust once. My feeling is, if he could lie to you before you found out he was in a relationship, he could easily lie again. He didn’t tell you he was living with his ex and her new boyfriend until you ‘found out’. Have you ever asked him direct questions like, are you seeing anyone else? Are you cheating? It is easy for cheaters to lie by omission, i.e. just not volunteering info, rather than if asked a direct question. Personally, I would dump him as I would never be able to trust him after what he did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angel2021 Posted December 1, 2021 Author Share Posted December 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, spiderowl said: It doesn’t sound as if you trust him and he has already broken your trust once. My feeling is, if he could lie to you before you found out he was in a relationship, he could easily lie again. He didn’t tell you he was living with his ex and her new boyfriend until you ‘found out’. Have you ever asked him direct questions like, are you seeing anyone else? Are you cheating? It is easy for cheaters to lie by omission, i.e. just not volunteering info, rather than if asked a direct question. Personally, I would dump him as I would never be able to trust him after what he did. 2 minutes ago, spiderowl said: It doesn’t sound as if you trust him and he has already broken your trust once. My feeling is, if he could lie to you before you found out he was in a relationship, he could easily lie again. He didn’t tell you he was living with his ex and her new boyfriend until you ‘found out’. Have you ever asked him direct questions like, are you seeing anyone else? Are you cheating? It is easy for cheaters to lie by omission, i.e. just not volunteering info, rather than if asked a direct question. Personally, I would dump him as I would never be able to trust him after what he did. Yeah I directly ask him ‘are you cheating on me?’, ‘are you still with your fiancée?’ and similar. He obviously denies this and tells me that he loves me, that he only wants to be with me, that I am the best thing that has ever happened to me and he wants it to work. He constantly apologises for what he did and wants to go to therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted December 1, 2021 Share Posted December 1, 2021 15 hours ago, Angel2021 said: Yeah I directly ask him ‘are you cheating on me?’, ‘are you still with your fiancée?’ and similar. He obviously denies this and tells me that he loves me, that he only wants to be with me, that I am the best thing that has ever happened to me and he wants it to work. He constantly apologises for what he did and wants to go to therapy. Do you feel therapy could help? He sounds like he’s in an emotional muddle. The question is, is it worth you investing more of yourself in this vey confusing situation, especially with someone who has already lied to you? Can you find out more about this guy’s past - his jobs, his friends, how consistent they have been. Is he working? Has he changed jobs a lot? Does he see much of his family, have good relationships with them? I am thinking has he got a history of crossing boundaries, getting into messy situations and lying? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angel2021 Posted December 1, 2021 Author Share Posted December 1, 2021 5 hours ago, spiderowl said: Do you feel therapy could help? He sounds like he’s in an emotional muddle. The question is, is it worth you investing more of yourself in this vey confusing situation, especially with someone who has already lied to you? Can you find out more about this guy’s past - his jobs, his friends, how consistent they have been. Is he working? Has he changed jobs a lot? Does he see much of his family, have good relationships with them? I am thinking has he got a history of crossing boundaries, getting into messy situations and lying? From what I know he’s had consistent friends and has good relationships with his family, especially his mum and sister. He doesn’t live in the same area as his family but he sees them enough and calls them frequently. He stayed in the same job for a while but recently got a new one just because it was a better opportunity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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