mark clemson Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 Yeah, if you're no longer interested, be kind AND SMART and cut him off quickly and fully NOW. Some of these people who get over-invested quickly don't handle rejections overly well and the longer it goes on, the more he may feel "led on" and the worse he'll presumably feel. Consider explaining that you were trying to give it an honest shot, but that you're 100% clear that you're no longer interested, to (hopefully) avoid confusion or wishful thinking on his part. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 (edited) 11 hours ago, electric_prune said: The second date was okay. We went hiking in the snowy forest and visited a city in the area. Once again , he was already suggesting to meet the following week. I told him it's better to meet in two weeks just to show that I wasn't as enthusiastic as him. Honestly , it felt like I was slowly chained by this guy. He's not "over pursuing," he is pursuing just right and IF if you were into him, you would have loved that he suggested meeting the following week! The fact that you feel "chained" by this is a clear indication that he is simply not the right guy for you and that you should NOT be dating him. Frankly I am not sure why this is even a question, you're not into him, you next him. For both your sakes, his and yours. Edited January 28, 2022 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 52 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said: There is no such thing as over pursuing or over eager when the interest levels match. Here they clearly don't, you are not interested. Time to move on. Do you really think so? I think it waxes and wanes. In cases where one person is initially less interested, but then becomes more interested. Likewise, vice versa. It may be a bit daunting to expect, or even wish for, constant contact right after meeting someone for the first time. Like he seems to be. But yes, if you're feeling mentally worn out, that's not very good. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 11 hours ago, electric_prune said: I didn't feel a spark and felt mentally drained when I went home. So then why did you go on a second date? Honestly this makes no sense. Are you a people pleaser, or do you have a hard time being assertive? It was a mistake to go on a second date with this guy or keep talking with him, especially considering how clingy he is. 11 hours ago, electric_prune said: Do you guys think I should give him a chance? I don't want to hurt him because he's a really nice person but I think he f**** all his chances with him by rushing things. NO. Why would that seem like a good idea? This is a no brainer. You are not into him and he's being clingy to an almost creepy level. Set a boundary here and don't let this continue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted February 3, 2022 Share Posted February 3, 2022 The only way it works if the women chases, wish there was a class that would tell guys this, the only reason you aren't interested in him is because he went overboard, if he would have played more aloof, I bet you would have been a lot more interested, just the way men/women are wired, never be the person who is more invested, it's really that simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 3, 2022 Share Posted February 3, 2022 8 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said: The only way it works if the women chases... No one should be "chasing" anyone imo, chasing suggests one or the other is running away and needs to be "caught." The only way this works is when both people's interest levels are equally matched and they both "pursue" each other, in different ways to reflect their respective interest levels. Here, I agree with Shy Violet, since you felt no spark with him and felt "mentally drained" when you got home, you had no business accepting a second date with him, let alone even considering continuing to date him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted February 3, 2022 Share Posted February 3, 2022 28 minutes ago, poppyfields said: No one should be "chasing" anyone imo, chasing suggests one or the other is running away and needs to be "caught." The only way this works is when both people's interest levels are equally matched and they both "pursue" each other, in different ways to reflect their respective interest levels. Here, I agree with Shy Violet, since you felt no spark with him and felt "mentally drained" when you got home, you had no business accepting a second date with him, let alone even considering continuing to date him. Poppy, no way, tell me, if a guy chased you and showed an overwhelming amount of interest, you would be subconsciously turned off, take your last thread, you subconsciously choked because that NEVER works out for the Guy, you could think he is the most handsome guy in the world, but if this one piece is missing, it all falls apart. If he was savoy, he would have given you his number when he picked up on your interest and waited for you to text (chase), he was too aggressive, he put you on the spot, which will 100% of the time end in failure. Men and Women in heterosexual relationships are wired a certain ways, I know most "millennials" think they are reinventing the wheel here in regards to such standards, but the method is tried and true, it's a law of nature. One of the reasons the world is so messed up right now actually. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 3, 2022 Share Posted February 3, 2022 This is not a question. You are not interested. Period. You are not romantically interested in the slightest. So you're asking what exactly? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 3, 2022 Share Posted February 3, 2022 (edited) 13 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said: Poppy, no way, tell me, if a guy chased you and showed an overwhelming amount of interest, you would be subconsciously turned off, take your last thread, you subconsciously choked because that NEVER works out for the Guy,,, Define an "overwhelming amount of interest"? Messaging me every day, wanting to see me every single day? I will use one of my ex's as an example, we fell for each other pretty much at first sight and dated six years. He did exactly that, messaged or called every day, wanted to see me every day, he came on SUPER strong, and no it did not turn me off because I was equally as interested in him. I DID tell him we needed to slow things down because I am not one to rush in, I need a certain amount of space, I like to wonder and miss a man, BUT his pursuit did not "turn me off." Here, I am not seeing how this guy was clingy or even came on too strong. He showed interest YES, because he WAS interested. On their first date, he asked her out for the second ONE WEEK away. To the OP, it was too much because she had NO interest in him. He also texted every day. Women here complain when a man they just started dating does NOT text every day. So which is it? Anyway, we can agree to disagree, that's fine. You have your experiences and I have mine. I just think when a woman is highly interested, she will respond to a man's equally high interest. IF that turns her off, then she was not all that interested in the first place, which is how I feel about the man in my recent thread. He was good looking, charming and I was flattered. But when push comes to shove I was not all that interested which is probably why I told him I had a boyfriend and why I have pretty much forgotten about the whole thing. Edited February 3, 2022 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 3, 2022 Share Posted February 3, 2022 (edited) OP, it doesn't appear that you're interested. But, to answer your thread's question, yes, if someone is a little too eager, it may give the impression that they are a needy, clingy guy who you will eventually have to block. Pursuing (as opposed to chasing, over pursuing, or what have you) is, on the other hand, less intense, more deliberate, and serious. Edited February 3, 2022 by Alpaca 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 3, 2022 Share Posted February 3, 2022 On 1/28/2022 at 12:45 AM, electric_prune said: Once again , he was already suggesting to meet the following week. I told him it's better to meet in two weeks just to show that I wasn't as enthusiastic as him. Honestly , it felt like I was slowly chained by this guy. Bolded, he suggested to meet the following week, shudder at the thought. This is not over-pursuing, this is pursuing just the right amount, and when a woman is interested, she welcomes it. She doesn't view as clingy or over-eager. In fact, to some women, a date the following week might suggest he is NOT that interested or that he may be dating others, otherwise why wait an entire week? The lesson here? Do NOT date men you have no interest in. Every single thing they say and do will turn you off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted February 4, 2022 Share Posted February 4, 2022 (edited) Why continue this when you're not interested? It doesn't appear as though you want to take it slow, you don't want to take it at all. If the guy knocked your socks off neither of you would be interested in taking it slow. I don't know who your celebrity crush is but if that guy came on showing a ton of interest you likely wouldn't have an issue with it, because your interest would match. It's the imbalance in interest level that is the problem with this guy. I said this in another thread but control and romance are irreconcilable. You said that you could ask him to be your BF tomorrow and he'd agree. You can control this guy and you can't fall in love with someone you can control. The kind thing to do would just be to tell him that you're not feeling any romance. Edited February 4, 2022 by dramafreezone Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 4, 2022 Share Posted February 4, 2022 On 1/28/2022 at 4:03 AM, electric_prune said: I was interested at first but my interest levels dwindled down after he thought he should do all the work. I don't know how to communicate this to him because I don't want to look like I wasn't interested in the first place. Why not since you actually aren't interested? Why are you wasting his time? Link to post Share on other sites
zaghloul Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 Hello everyone, I met a woman on Bumble three weeks ago. She messaged me first (we're both women) and we exchanged long texts for days before I suggested to meet up. We went on our first date in the city where she lives and spent a very nice evening together. We met up the next two Saturdays and spent the whole day together. These three dates were very enjoyable , we laughed and bantered with each other , but also discussed personal topics. We are both interested in a serious relationship and I personally would like to see things go forward between us. Can you suggest simple ways to break the touch barrier without being too intrusive? We do bump each others elbows and I high-fived each last time , but I would like to be physically closer than that. We have been in different settings (sitting next to each other , or across from each other) but this hasn't gone any further yet. She has never been in a relationship so I guess this is new territory for her and she perhaps expects me to make the first move. Or , it could be due to the different dating culture here (Germany) where people don't get physical so quickly. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 I’m a guy. When I’ve gone on an early dates it would be hand holding as a sign. I don’t know where you are from and social rules on same sex relationships. are you both open about wanting same sex relationships, or is it something not yet known? This pieces can effect public displays of affection. after 3 dates have you talked of one going to the others place for dinner? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 Tell her you like her and you’d like to continue seeing her. If she reciprocates or says the same then ask her how she feels about a hug or a kiss. I think you’re overthinking this and you both sound lovely together. Also, you’ve discussed a lot of personal topics so you’re aware most likely about her living situation or whether she lives with others, her background and have some idea of whether she’s open to more physical intimacy. Use your instincts. There are plenty of ways to be affectionate and respectful. Let us know how it goes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zaghloul Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 5 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: are you both open about wanting same sex relationships, or is it something not yet known? This pieces can effect public displays of affection. We both expressed our desire to be in a same-sex relationship. This is her first time dating a woman and also I am not a touchy-feely person so that complicates things. I would prefer to make a move in a more private setting (not in the streets but in café out of people's sights). 10 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: after 3 dates have you talked of one going to the others place for dinner? Yes , it's not possible right now but it will be in the near future (2 weeks). Link to post Share on other sites
zaghloul Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 8 minutes ago, glows said: Tell her you like her and you’d like to continue seeing her. If she reciprocates or says the same then ask her how she feels about a hug or a kiss. We do hug to greet and say goodbye every time. But I guess I need to be upfront about my feelings next time. It's getting redundant to text her every time that I've enjoyed seeing her and her acquiesing. 10 minutes ago, glows said: Also, you’ve discussed a lot of personal topics so you’re aware most likely about her living situation or whether she lives with others, her background and have some idea of whether she’s open to more physical intimacy. The only possible option right now for us is to invite her to come to my place. Also , she has never been with anyone , so I can't fully know if she's usually open to more physical intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 I’m not understanding why you need to invite her over for a kiss. Lean in when you feel it’s the right moment. If you’re referring to sex at your place then it’s also up to her and how she feels. Tidy up your place and try not to presume anything. If it leads to sex then that’s fine. If not it’s just dinner over at your place. Let things unfold naturally. Link to post Share on other sites
zaghloul Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 1 minute ago, glows said: If you’re referring to sex at your place then it’s also up to her and how she feels. Tidy up your place and try not to presume anything. If it leads to sex then that’s fine. If not it’s just dinner over at your place. Let things unfold naturally. I don't think we're at that stage yet. Right now , I'm looking for simple ways to be physically intimate without making things too awkward. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 2 minutes ago, zaghloul said: I don't think we're at that stage yet. Right now , I'm looking for simple ways to be physically intimate without making things too awkward. Ok take things slow and read her cues. As I said you both sound lovely together and you seem very thoughtful. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 32 minutes ago, zaghloul said: We do hug to greet and say goodbye every time. But I guess I need to be upfront about my feelings next time. It's getting redundant to text her every time that I've enjoyed seeing her and her acquiesing. The only possible option right now for us is to invite her to come to my place. Also , she has never been with anyone , so I can't fully know if she's usually open to more physical intimacy. Have you tried holding hands when you are walking together or sitting next to each other? Link to post Share on other sites
zaghloul Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 41 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: Have you tried holding hands when you are walking together or sitting next to each other? Nope , I will try this next time. Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 7 hours ago, zaghloul said: Can you suggest simple ways to break the touch barrier without being too intrusive? We do bump each others elbows I would say next time this happens hold her hand, then it should naturally evolve from there. The bumping of elbows is not by chance, she feels comfortable being that close to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
6ix Posted March 1, 2022 Senior Moderators Share Posted March 1, 2022 (edited) Threads merged by the same OP using three different accounts. Edited March 1, 2022 by 6ix Link to post Share on other sites
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