kids.....nope......yes........nope........yes

[a4a]

Here is the problem:

 

We recently started the "baby" thing...... He wants kids and we are both in our mid to late 30's. So I agreed to start looking into this fertility issue. But our first appointment is tomorrow and I honestly could not pin down why I was feeling angry and resentful toward him and a staff of doctors I have not even met.

I truly think it is because I am not wanting a family. ???? What else could it be?? When I came to this conclusion it felt like weight off my shoulders!!

 

We have discussed this at length previously. I even offered him an out that if he wanted kids I would not deprive him of his happiness and would step out quietly so he could find a partner who did. He claims "he does not care in the long run and if it does not work out......well, then that is the way the balls bounce". Yet he seems so excited to go to this appt. tomorrow.......this is a semen analysis for him......I refuse to go at this point..... I probably will never go.....my body my choice.

 

I don't like kids, I never had dreams of having kids, I like my freedom, I like our freedom.......but the biological clock ticks.......now feeling guilty....I really want to be happy with him.....I just dont see me as "mommy"...far from it.

He would be an excellent father, he is wonderful (just stubborn).

 

I cannot figure out why I am so angry......He is well aware that I am on the fence about kids..... thinking if they were mine I might like them better LOL!

But he is the one now making appts, and seems to be "into it" and working to produce offspring.

 

I have personal space issues as well.....I don't like to hug strangers......or have people touch me.....I was raised that way......not abuse. I am also a little pissed that he would be so willing to allow me to be used as a pin cushion for drugs and invasive testing that I just cannot seem to comply with.

 

Am I being a Baby about this baby thing? I came to the conclusion that I dont want kids...but days later I am.......until reality hits about the serious responsibilty, being tied down, no freedom.......I would hate to resent a child we brought into the world........and yes I have said all this to him......he just is not hearing me.......I think......or not giving me the answer I want to hear LOL.......and no this issue was not hidden from him before we got married.

 

enough rambling..........but this is torture for me.

any insight appreciated.......or experience in this matter. Or slap me for being such a dumbass.

 

a4a

[Outcast]

You shouldn't have kids out of guilt or because you want to make someone else happy. You should only have them if you badly want to have them even considering something could happen to your spouse (always a possibility).

[a4a]

Yes Outcast I agree........ that is why I am having such a hard time.

Funny thing is though if I could instantly have a 14-16 yr old that was well mannered it would be a different story.......then I would love to have kids!

I just dont think babies are cute..... I actually think they smell rather disgusting (my opinion.... don't be offended its just me) I don't feel attachment to relatives or friends small children....... I really dislike them climbing on me or asking me to participate and interact with them. However I do have attachment to my animals ....... I am not selfish ......far from it. Not that disliking children is selfish but some people look at it that way.

 

"get away from me kid, your bothering me"

LOL

[Outcast]

Well if your spouse is not hellbent on propagating his own genes (never got why people cared, personally), you could always adopt some older kids who, for instance, lost their parents due to accident. Older kids are harder to place because they aren't cute (!) iddle biddle babies

[JayKay]

a4a

 

This is a very personal issue to me, so I can't help but respond to your post...

 

I am a woman who, for years, had to vehemently defend my position NOT to bear children.

Funny thing is, I like children, work with them and am very good with them.

 

However, I always knew instinctively that parenting was not a gig I wanted. I started doing a lot of reading, a lot of research, a lot of online searching, started talking in chat rooms and reading online bulletin boards...trying to figure out why I felt the way I did

 

I think after about a decade I realized something; not wanting to be a parent is like not liking the color orange. Or not wanting to be an accountant. It's simply part of who you are.

 

It doesn't mean you are a mutant.

Or that you hate kids (I know plenty of childless/childfree people who are teachers!).

It doesn't mean you have a chemical imbalance.

Or that there is something 'wrong' with you.

 

It simply means you prefer to spend your intellectual and physical energy and resources on other pursuits.

 

As a woman, you may find yourself castigated for feeling this way.

 

Start reading some books. I have advised other posters here to thoroughly investigate and strive to understand both sides of the fence

 

Read "Fruitful" and "I'm OK You're a Brat" and "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and "The Mask of Motherood" and "Misconceptions"

 

Read threads on Babycenter.com

 

Google the word 'childfree' and see what comes up.

 

Talk to parents about what their lifestyles are like now that they have children.

 

I think parenting, raising children and pregnancy are all very interesting, but I knew in my heart of hearts it was not for me. People told me all my life I would change my mind. Well, I'm just about middle-aged now and I certainly don't regret my decision.

.

 

We have to choose our own paths based on what our hearts tell us.

 

I wish you luck with your personal decision, whatever it may be. Take your time and think through things carefully.

[Lizzard]

I have been told for years I have ice water running through my veins. I never wanted to have children. Never even thought about it...the thought of being pregnate makes me sick.( To this day it still does..although now...I will get to that.)

I am a realist. Always have been. I have seen family, friends etc. etc. have children and then see them seem to change with having children. Fun loving people suddenly become boring...thinking nothing excpet about the kids. Leaving behind dreams...careers...everything.

I would think you go through all that pain...and love them so much...but kids..they like disobey or hate you! I SWEAR! Think about it parents. You lose sleep, you have to give them everything but they always seem to end up hating you.

I have PCOS and have been told I can not have children. At first I was shocked. I mean CAN not have children? Yeah I probably could...with fertility drugs..shots...medication...then the miscarriages. One PCOS board I am a member of these women have had eight miscarraiges and still trying. I could not do that...what person could?

Almost being 27 I think...wow it might be nice. And I too go through something like--" Oh I should have kids..my dad is sick." or--"My sister is preggers now and doesnt have any respect for it, I would be better." As a woman you may always fight these battles.

BUT it's YOUR body. YOUR life. YOUR choice.

You make it honey...no matter what the world thinks!

[a4a]

Thanks! I feel a tad better! I was ready to put myself in the "anti-mommy monster" category!

 

Now the bad news....... Hubby just got off the phone with me.....working late. I guess I sounded distant so he prodded me......and I promised to be honest and truthful with him so I got blunt about the situation. Mind you, he was aware of these feelings I had to not have children before we were married......hell I even told him getting married would be difficult for me.

 

He quietly read me the riot act over the phone. That I led him on about kids.

Which I admit that we talked about having kids, but at every turn I stated I cannot stay home and change diapers all day, nor lose my work and life mission. I give credit to those that sacrafice for their kids.....but that is their choice.

 

I still feel like ****! Hell we just got back from katrina doing volunteer work. I run a non profit without one lick of pay.....I work 18/7 to make the world a better place for the unwanted.......and I now I feel worthless, wrong, and selfish...........even the best man threw a little "baby thing" into his speech at our wedding .......and today I realized why that so rubbed me the wrong way.

 

I wish I did have the happy mommy thoughts......its not there...it might be easier...but its crammed down my throat daily.

 

And to my surprise my husband asked what would I do if I got pregnant anyway?? Not a good question to ask when I have just come to such a serious concious realization. Quite honestly I don't know what I would do.

 

I think he thinks that he can still talk me into it. He says he did not marry me to breed.....but I guess the truth will come out soon enough over the next couple of weeks.

I am wondering why others opt out of reproduction.....??? I tell ya' I like being able to throw on a pair of sperrys and run down for a bite to eat and a beer when I damn well feel like it.......I like being able to do rescue work when called to do so........I like being able to sleep in until 7:30 without being disturbed....... I got a feeling kids would put all that to a screaming halt.

[Lizzard]

Okay, after reading your past post...darling you have NOTHING else to offer anyone. MY LORD girl you are a saint. LOL

You are involved in all kinds of charity work. My gosh...no wonder kids seem to make you cringe. You are givng and giving...you have nothing left to give!

Your hubby will come around...remember honey...communication...communication...communication.

Hell I am so glad someone is like me... I wanna go have a beer...hang out till 2Am...sleep in too noon. Heaven to me.

My life, my choices.

Good luck!!

[Outcast]

I don't think it was the best of ideas to have this discussion over the phone.

 

As for me, one of my considerations was that there's no guarantee the child will be born ok or will be ok all its life. I have friends who had kids with serious disabilities, others whose kids became terribly ill when they were young. Others were in accidents and badly disabled.

 

And a large part of how kids turn out has to do with genetics. If your kid is born with an addictive personality, you can be the best parent on the planet and still may not be able to prevent your child from getting into drugs or worse.

 

Read the sites that were recommended to you. There was a thread on LS about this a while ago http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=572074 that you might like to read.

[a4a]

Thanks for the thread link!

Wow LMAO......the party post is the truth for me.....Mommies all in the kitchen talking kids and me outside with the boys talking barns, politics, and business and my occassional come back for their comments about womens bodies! I can make them there boys blush! Back at ya mack daddy!

 

BTW: I am no saint, unless saints enjoy throwing back a couple of Jacks and diets 2x a month at the local watering hole.....but I do get into some great discussions with others while partaking of intoxicants.

 

Just spend my time using what talent I have to try to help others.

 

Thank you all for the insight!! I did some searches for opinions on this earlier today........this site rocks!

[Trimmer]

a4a -

 

I'm one of those who didn't think he was going to want kids, but jumped in on faith and I absolutely love it and I'm glad I did it. I actually end up being one of the ones in the kitchen with the moms, talking kids...

 

HOWEVER, I never put myself in the position of trying to convince anyone else that it would be the right thing for them, and I'm not one of those bozos who "just can't understand" why someone would choose not to have kids. I understand, and accept, and respect you for it. And for all that I love how my choice has turned out, honestly, I occasionally envy you for it, too.

 

I think that you have given the subject a lot of consideration, and you seem to have solid opinions, and the first and most important thing is that you are honest with yourself and are doing your best to be honest with your H, and I respect the heck out of that.

 

So to me, it sounds like your dilemma is becoming less "should I or shouldn't I have kids..." and more "how do I resolve this with my husband." It seems like this has become a big area of miscommunication for you both, and each of you is kind of selectively hearing elements of what the other is saying, but not really getting the whole picture. For example, on one hand you say:

 

I don't like kids, I never had dreams of having kids, I like my freedom, I like our freedom.......I just dont see me as "mommy"...far from it.

 

I have personal space issues as well.....I don't like to hug strangers......or have people touch me.....I was raised that way......not abuse.

 

I came to the conclusion that I dont want kids...

But then on the other hand....

 

......He is well aware that I am on the fence about kids.....

a4a, you don't sound like you are "on the fence", it sounds like your mind is pretty much made up. But if you gave him any impression that you are on the fence or could be persuaded, I guarantee you, that's all he heard, that's what he built his intentions around, and all the rest just evaporated out of his mind.

 

Also, you said:

 

I am also a little pissed that he would be so willing to allow me to be used as a pin cushion for drugs and invasive testing that I just cannot seem to comply with.

...but then...

So I agreed to start looking into this fertility issue. But our first appointment is tomorrow...

So what did you actually agree to do? Because again, if you agreed to start looking into it, that's why he's willing to allow you to be used as a pin cushion (and again, I guarantee, he doesn't look at it metaphorically in the same way you are....) What he's heard in your agreement to "start looking into this fertility issue" is just that, a willingness on your part to move forward with this process, but in fact, you really feel like you "cannot seem to comply with" it all...

 

 

And in his comments to you, for example:

He claims "he does not care in the long run and if it does not work out......well, then that is the way the balls bounce".

I imagine that was a relief to you; that you thought that he truly doesn't care either way, but by his actions, I bet his feeling is more "if we give it a good try and it doesn't work out, then I believe I can move on with our lives..." which is very different from not caring at the outset.

 

Please, please - don't take all this as criticism, because I know you are trying to communicate about a giant issue in an emotionally charged context, and this is hugely complicated and difficult. I just think the issue here has to begin with you guys truly coming to an understanding of each other's positions, and it doesn't seem like you are there yet.

 

YOU ... really don't want to have kids, and you believe you represented this to him fairly; yet he still thinks you might be willing.

 

HE ... would really like to have kids and is driven to at least give it an earnest try; you believe he represented that it really didn't matter to him.

 

Without judging the merits on either side, I see some big disconnects here. Have you guys considered (oh, man, take a breath here...) seeing a marriage counselor? Kind of a neutral third-party emotional mediator, who might be able to guide you to seeing clearly each other's positions? I know that seems like a huge step, and it may even seem like an admission that something is more wrong than you want to admit to, but it seems like this isn't an issue that is going to fade with time...

 

Sorry this got kinda long, but you've got a big issue on your hands here...

[glittergurl]

I don't like other people's kids, but I'd love to have one of my own. Other people's babies are not the same at all, I'm sure of it. That being said, it shows how different each person feels about it. If you don't want to have a child, then don't. The poor thing will feel it and you'll ruin a life.

[whichwayisup]

I understand where you're coming from too. Love kids, have nieces and nephews, spend alot of time with them, my friends have kids - Usually included when we socialize, don't mind that at all...My neighbours kids love to come hang out at our house, (they think my hubby and I are so cool) all ages from 6 years old 16! So, I feel right now I have tons of kids in my life... I enjoy their company, we play, we laugh, we talk... But, after a while they go.

My nieces sleep over here all the time, eventually, ... They go back home. I'm real happy when they're here but glad when they go. Is that bad? I don't think so!

 

I feel I'm not ready to have kids due to where I am in life right now. My husband feels indifferent, if I want them he's all for it but if I don't, he's OK with that too. So, I get the back'n'forth bit, not too sure wtf to do!

 

Here's what I noticed right away...

When I came to this conclusion it felt like weight off my shoulders!!

This is SO important that you recongized this! It's your gut talking to you, so listen to it. Maybe now isn't the right time, maybe it never will be...But the fact you felt that weight lifted, means something big. Take time to think, don't let anybody, even your husband pressure you.

[a4a]

Results are in:

 

Husband says he understands but I think he assumes I will change my mind.

 

I am 37 years old........what year will I change my mind? LOL!

 

To clear some things up : I never said I wanted kids to him....actually the opposite, I have said nothing positive to him about kids......only negative. Including comments about his friends kids. I have only offered negative thoughts or comments about being a kitchen mommy, or mom in general. Asked if he planned on putting a car seat on his tractor when he mows the pasture. LOL!

 

As for being on the fence: That was about society pushing this down my throat and constant nagging by friends. I feel like they are trying to convert me to a religion for my own good. LOL! I had to stop and ask "Is there something wrong with me?" "Am I missing out on a secret of sorts?"

 

As for the fertilty issue.........I point blank told him from the start of his suspected fertility problem that I WILL NOT GO! NO DRUGS, NO TESTS, NO DOCTOR. I assume that again he thought I would change my mind. He canceled his test on Fri.

 

I will admit that I opened my mind to the possibility..... but again the end result was negative........and again my negative comments would come out at every turn. I have offered to leave so he can find a person who wants kids....I did this in a kind fashion.....not a threat.

 

We have had a long long discussion about this......... however I am aware that he still thinks I will change my mind, or is in hopes of such a thing. I guess my job is to be sure that he is happy and has not made a mistake by marrying me and will resent me for it later..........this is going to take some time.

 

I honestly wish I could make him happy on this.........but I know that the mommy gig is not for me..........no matter how much pressure is on.....the thought of it disgusts me.... it really does. Not to mention that my freedom would be gone and it would be the end of my chosen path.

 

a4a - who has 40 plus creatures she is already tied down with,dont need more, unless you can crate or stall them.