How to deal with dating someone until you're exclusive?

[Alpacalia]

24 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Something must have happened between that date and yesterday. I told him I wish we had gone the whole way when he was at mine and I hoped he wasn't disappointed. He said he would have liked it to have happened, but it wasn't the end of the world. I did ask some questions about his sex drive, just to get an understanding of what to expect. He basically said it was high and I said that I can survive a while without it, but really enjoy it with the right guy.

Maybe he envisioned a life with little sex with you after that comment.

Who knows.

[gringoloco]

I'm from Europe, but It tends to happen pretty normally after a couple of dates in my case...

In the beginning I continue to see other people / possibly sleep with other girls - but if you invest time in one person that you like particularly, you tend to drop all the other ones you are seeing and focus 100% on that person at some point. 

Also I think you can tell if someone is really into you, they reach out all the time and it becomes pretty obious they are not seeing anyone else

[lovesfool]

35 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

You probably never will understand as feelings are fickle things and change on a dime.  

For all you know his Ex hit him up again and they hooked up - please don't feel that by sleeping with him you could have changed the outcome.  That never works; men have what they like to call "post nut clarity" and you would have felt even worse if he had dumped you after sex.

When you said you wanted to talk after he claimed to be busy all weekend he knew you wanted more.  He's not there.  

I'm known for overthinking and hoping I didn't scare him off. Just trying to learn from the experience and avoid falling into the same situation again. Sometimes I put my foot in it by what I say. It can come across in the wrong way.

I even shamefully suggested we could keep things casual if that's all he was looking for. I'm not sure if I would have followed through with a casual thing (even though I did want sex to happen), but I was curious if sex was all he was after. It was a light-hearted comment to him as I didn't want to seem too upset over him ending things. He didn't acknowledge the suggestion at all. I know he really wanted to have sex with me before and thought he'd jump at the opportunity. Probably felt I was too emotionally invested when he wasn't, although I don't think I gave him that impression at all.

The mind boggles.

24 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Maybe he envisioned a life with little sex with you after that comment.

Who knows.

It would seem to be a rash call given that we hadn't even had sex yet! I did tell him before that I don't have sex with many guys and he had no problem waiting. He said it would make it even more special knowing that I don't just give it up for any guy.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I told him I wish we had gone the whole way when he was at mine and I hoped he wasn't disappointed. He said he would have liked it to have happened, but it wasn't the end of the world. I did ask some questions about his sex drive, just to get an understanding of what to expect. He basically said it was high and I said that I can survive a while without it, but really enjoy it with the right guy.

Why did you decide to ask him questions about his sex drive?  Cringe.
and as for dissecting your time together and asking if he was disappointed - even more cringe.
Nothing about that is the least bit sexy. It shows neediness and a lack of confidence 

I suggest next time with some other guy, you let things just happen naturally and forget the twenty questions.

[Alpacalia]

43 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

It would seem to be a rash call given that we hadn't even had sex yet! I did tell him before that I don't have sex with many guys and he had no problem waiting. He said it would make it even more special knowing that I don't just give it up for any guy.

If you are approached about the matter, it may make more sense in the future to just remark that you like spending time with him but would like to wait a little longer before having sex. I'm not sure why you felt the need to be so specific. But that's okay, it happens.

Sleep with him exactly when you want to and he wants to.

And as for your other question to him, you were wondering if he was solely interested in sex...

Even if that were the case, he would very certainly not tell you.

And he most likely concluded you wanted to have sex with him but were apprehensive of the possible repercussions.

That, or maybe he thought you were possibly sleeping with other men.

Edited December 13, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I even shamefully suggested we could keep things casual if that's all he was looking for.

Try not to let dating be so anxiety driven including thinking for them or inverted remarks to hope for the opposite.

That also includes drama statements like "we need to talk". When a simple "I would like to have sex with/date only each other" would suffice.

 Instead be in the present moment. Don't think for people. They can and will think for themselves.

Your job is to observe that rather an anxiously frantically steering everything.

Stand back and observe. That includes red flags like recent random hookups with unsafe sex requiring STD tests, someone who broke up a nanosecond ago, etc.

It's your job to choose them not make excuses or settle this much or play "pick me!" games.

Edited December 13, 2021 by Wiseman2

[lovesfool]

30 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Why did you decide to ask him questions about his sex drive?  Cringe.
and as for dissecting your time together and asking if he was disappointed - even more cringe.
Nothing about that is the least bit sexy. It shows neediness and a lack of confidence 

I suggest next time with some other guy, you let things just happen naturally and forget the twenty questions.

Saying cringe isn't really helpful at all. Makes me feel worse.

I asked about his sex drive because he was talking about sex over text messages.

And on your point about dissecting our time together, I knew he was keen to have sex and when it didn't happen I didn't want him to think it was because of him. It was just because my roommate was next door. It can be demoralising if a woman tells you no when you ask for sex.

18 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

If you are approached about the matter, it may make more sense in the future to just remark that you like spending time with him but would like to wait a little longer before having sex. I'm not sure why you felt the need to be so specific. But that's okay, it happens.

Sleep with him exactly when you want to and he wants to.

And as for your other question to him, you were wondering if he was solely interested in sex...

Even if that were the case, he would very certainly not tell you.

And he most likely concluded you wanted to have sex with him but were apprehensive of the possible repercussions.

That, or maybe he thought you were possibly sleeping with other men.

I felt the need to say it because he seemed to be building up having sex into a big thing. I didn't want it to be disappointing because of my lack of experience.

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to let dating be so anxiety driven including thinking for them or inverted remarks to hope for the opposite.

That also includes drama statements like "we need to talk". When a simple "I would like to have sex/date only each other" would suffice.

 Instead be in the present moment. Don't think for people. They can and will think for themselves.

Your job is to observe that rather an anxiously frantically steering everything.

Stand back and observe. That includes red flags like recent random hookups with unsafe sex requiring STD tests, someone who broke up a nanosecond ago, etc.

I was told that I needed to have that talk in person so that's what I tried to do. I only asked him casually if he wanted to meet at the weekend. When he said he was busy I kind of got scared and thought if I told him I want to have a chat he might make some time for me. He didn't.

I observed all those things but personally didn't see them as dealbreakers. Maybe that's inexperience because I've never encountered those things before. I think it's harder to accept things until you've experienced it yourself, and it tends to result in heartache. We all learn best through our failures and hopefully come out better the other side.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I was told that I needed to have that talk in person

Use you own good judgment (was told by whom?) and take responsibility for your final actions/decisions.

No. Experience is not required to be creeped out by STDs and sex texts. Unfortunately that seems more like desperation.

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I felt the need to say it because he seemed to be building up having sex into a big thing. I didn't want it to be disappointing because of my lack of experience.

So, by all accounts, he was attempting to escalate things physically?

In that instance, if you're not ready to be physically intimate, your involvement is to push back.

Not escalate exclusivity.

[glows]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I think the thing that is bothering me the most right now is the last time we met. It was his suggestion that we meet for a date and so we decided on a trip to the movies. On the day I asked him to come over to mine beforehand and we fooled around and he seemed to really enjoy it. We even had a nice cuddle afterwards. After the movie as we were both going our separate ways, he came up to me to kiss me goodbye i.e. he instigated it. I had no idea that would be the last time I'd see him.

He even mentioned to me the next morning that it was "another great date" (unprompted by me) and will have to do it again. All things pointed to him still being interested and things going really well.

Something must have happened between that date and yesterday. I told him I wish we had gone the whole way when he was at mine and I hoped he wasn't disappointed. He said he would have liked it to have happened, but it wasn't the end of the world. I did ask some questions about his sex drive, just to get an understanding of what to expect. He basically said it was high and I said that I can survive a while without it, but really enjoy it with the right guy. The next morning I messaged him to see if he wanted to make plans for the weekend and said he was busy and maybe early next week. At that point I knew something was up so I asked if we could chat and he said to ask any question I wanted, but I said I'd prefer to talk in person.

I didn't hear anything from him for 1.5 days and then asked to see if I scared him by asking to chat. He said I didn't, but then proceeded to break up with me!

I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but I don't know how it went from having a great date to break up in the space of a couple of days. Either he got put off by me asking about his sex drive or else feelings for his ex came back into play and realised he couldn't continue with something serious. I wish I could understand  

If he was really attracted to you, not many questions would faze a person. Please don't second guess yourself like this. I don't think the attraction to you as a whole was very strong. It takes so many different elements to retain that or maintain that sort of chemistry or synergy. It seems he liked you enough to spend time with you but that raw attraction is missing. This can be confusing because he showed you how much he did enjoy your company and was intimate with you. 

It's easy to say not to dwell on it but it's upsetting overall. I understand. I really do not think it was anything you said that last day. He just wasn't that into you. And you know what? You're free now to spend your days as you wish without wondering about this guy and you can rest assured knowing there's someone else out there for you who'll appreciate you exactly as you are. 

[lovesfool]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Use you own good judgment (was told by whom?) and take responsibility for your final actions/decisions.

No. Experience is not required to be creeped out by STDs and sex texts. Unfortunately that seems more like desperation.

Friends and general online advice on how to have the exclusivity talk.

I wasn't creeped out by STD tests (key word is tests) as it's a part of a healthy sex life, or at least it should be. I've had numerous tests in the past for my own peace of mind. Nothing to be ashamed of. Also texts about sex can be part of healthy relationships, or do you think sexting is not healthy?

5 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

So, by all accounts, he was attempting to escalate things physically?

In that instance, if you're not ready to be physically intimate, your involvement is to push back.

Not escalate exclusivity.

I didn't do anything I didn't want to do and I did them when I wanted to. I wasn't pressured into anything.

4 minutes ago, glows said:

If he was really attracted to you, not many questions would faze a person. Please don't second guess yourself like this. I don't think the attraction to you as a whole was very strong. It takes so many different elements to retain that or maintain that sort of chemistry or synergy. It seems he liked you enough to spend time with you but that raw attraction is missing. This can be confusing because he showed you how much he did enjoy your company and was intimate with you. 

It's easy to say not to dwell on it but it's upsetting overall. I understand. I really do not think it was anything you said that last day. He just wasn't that into you. And you know what? You're free now to spend your days as you wish without wondering about this guy and you can rest assured knowing there's someone else out there for you who'll appreciate you exactly as you are. 

What gets to me is that sometimes I feel I'm overthinking and other times I think I'm ignoring red flags. I find it hard to tell the difference. When I wasn't sure if he was into me or not, I thought I was overthinking because of all the interest he showed in me and positive messages and chats we had. He had a strong physical attraction to me as well. I'm sure I didn't misread that. I honestly don't know what happened in the background for him to suddenly change overnight and decide this wasn't for him. I don't think I'll ever know.

My real worry is that I will be even more closed off with guys in the future if they express a strong interest in me. What if the same thing happens again and they change their mind overnight? I guess I'll just have to watch out for the red flags from this experience, but I'm sure there are plenty of others I'm blind to see.

[glows]

It may be a mixture of both (as is usual for most falling outs). It's natural to overthink when something doesn't go as expected but I also think the other members had good points about the STD issues and how soon his last break up happened. It also became physical quickly but ultimately the attraction to you as a person wasn't there.

It's debateable in the end whether he was ever in the right frame of mind but he is the one telling you that he isn't ready for a relationship. It's a "it's me not you" reason for the break up. I think that's quite civil. Would you rather he nitpicked everything he disliked or ended up not liking about you? Or would you have preferred he talked about how your hair didn't flow the same way his ex's does or the way you talk or the things you like to eat aren't really his cup of tea?

The fact that he was actually with it enough to say that he's not ready for a relationship suggests to me that he just isn't that attracted to you. The worse outcome is to end up being with someone or marrying someone who is nowhere near to being in a relationship because he is so infatuated with you or using you further for his own means. He did the right thing letting you go if he just wasn't feeling it.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

When you said you wanted to talk after he claimed to be busy all weekend he knew you wanted more.  He's not there.  

Exactly.  

 

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Thanks for making me feel worse than I already do.

I didn't mean to make you feel bad but the "talk" is what got him.  He wasn't ready to talk about a "relationship".  Most men assume when women ask to talk that that's what it's about.  Never ask them to talk, just say what you need to say or ask in the presense.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I didn't do anything I didn't want to do and I did them when I wanted to. I wasn't pressured into anything.

It's evident where this was going based on his breakup with his ex, his STD conversation, and his sexting.

That's why I said, if you see certain indicators, take steps to protect yourself, both emotionally and physically.

It just doesn't happen to involve a desire to speed up the connection.

Others, like me, are not saying these things to be hurtful. I'm only trying to throw some light on the matter.

[Lotsgoingon]

Here's the thing: you really don't need to think about what he wants. And he don't need to think about what he needs. You can stop making offers to him to make meeting you more convenient.

In fact, you want to do the opposite: focus on what you want, where you want to go, how much time you want to spend. And see if he's a good fit for you. If he's not, the relationship isn't going to work.

Analogy: do you have  close friends? If so, you didn't get them by offering to make meeting up convenient. You got close them by just being yourself and you and the friend finding common ground. 

[lovesfool]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I know most of you saw this was not going to work out, but I find it hard not to get sucked in when I'm attracted to someone. It happens rarely, so I cling on to every hope that it'll be fine and that I'm the minority that works out in the end.

Yesterday I was even frantically googling about whether you can ever get a second chance after being a rebound, hoping that he might come back some day. Not that I was ever going to wait for him, but it's very sad to think that all these happy memories that we created are now sad. They're there as a reminder of a failed dating experience. Such is dating life I guess.

I will try to not let it get to me. Yesterday evening I decided to go to the gym, cook myself some dinner, chat with my roommate and even chat to guys on dating apps. In those moments I was surprisingly happy. I can recall how unsettled I was feeling when I was dating him and wondering why he hadn't texted back or why he cancelled. That's all gone now. My mind was occupied with other things and I think that's the key here to keep moving on.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I wasn't creeped out by STD tests  texts about sex can be part of healthy relationships, 

Ok. If dating guys who admit to random unprotected sex requiring STD testing is ok. Fine. If sexting men who you're not exclusive with and barely know  is "healthy" fine.

However this was full of red flags and ended poorly. So if you wish to argue that it was a good thing then carry on and you'll get the same anxiety and poor results time and time again.

Problem is you weren't even exclusive, no less in a relationship.

Edited December 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

6 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I will try to not let it get to me. Yesterday evening I decided to go to the gym, cook myself some dinner, chat with my roommate and even chat to guys on dating apps. In those moments I was surprisingly happy. I can recall how unsettled I was feeling when I was dating him and wondering why he hadn't texted back or why he cancelled. That's all gone now. My mind was occupied with other things and I think that's the key here to keep moving on.

Wonderful. Brava. Yes, enjoy your life and pay careful attention to things that make you happy and give you joy. If it’s cooking and chatting with friends do more of it. 

I can’t speak for anyone else but chatting or having mindless conversations on a dating app never did bring any real joy. It was not meaningful if my heart wasn’t in it. Be selective and picky about where you choose to spend your time and who you wish to meet. 

So glad you’re feeling better.

[LynneVicious]

When you catch yourself thinking of the situation with this guy, move your thoughts somewhere else. It’ll only make you feel worse. 

I know it’s  a hit to your self esteem. I’ve been there. As far as learning for future relationships and dating, usually if you have to question if a guy likes you or try to analyze his actions, it means he really isn’t that into you, no matter the circumstances. 

If he’s really into you, you’ll definitely know, and won’t need to ask. If he’s blowing off dates or is fresh out of a relationship, back off and date someone else. Learn from this experience. 

I know you said it’s rare for you to be attracted to a guy. I’m like that as well. It’s okay to be discerning in your attraction. There will be another that you’re attracted to. And you’ll know rather quickly now if he’s equally into you. 

[lovesfool]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. If dating guys who admit to random unprotected sex requiring STD testing is ok. Fine. If sexting men who you're not exclusive with and barely know  is "healthy" fine.

However this was full of red flags and ended poorly. So if you wish to argue that it was a good thing then carry on and you'll get the same anxiety and poor results time and time again.

Problem is you weren't even exclusive, no less in a relationship.

I have a feeling that we're of different generations. I'm relatively young and STD testing and sexting are VERY common. I might be considered quite prudish but I am very accepting that these are common things in dating now.

2 hours ago, glows said:

Wonderful. Brava. Yes, enjoy your life and pay careful attention to things that make you happy and give you joy. If it’s cooking and chatting with friends do more of it. 

I can’t speak for anyone else but chatting or having mindless conversations on a dating app never did bring any real joy. It was not meaningful if my heart wasn’t in it. Be selective and picky about where you choose to spend your time and who you wish to meet. 

So glad you’re feeling better.

I don't think the chats were bringing me joy, but it was a nice distraction! I needed to keep my mind occupied and wanted to chat to someone. And who knows, I may go on a date with one person I was chatting to in the future.

2 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

When you catch yourself thinking of the situation with this guy, move your thoughts somewhere else. It’ll only make you feel worse. 

I know it’s  a hit to your self esteem. I’ve been there. As far as learning for future relationships and dating, usually if you have to question if a guy likes you or try to analyze his actions, it means he really isn’t that into you, no matter the circumstances. 

If he’s really into you, you’ll definitely know, and won’t need to ask. If he’s blowing off dates or is fresh out of a relationship, back off and date someone else. Learn from this experience. 

I know you said it’s rare for you to be attracted to a guy. I’m like that as well. It’s okay to be discerning in your attraction. There will be another that you’re attracted to. And you’ll know rather quickly now if he’s equally into you. 

I have found myself thinking about him on and off during the day, moments of sadness or what-ifs, but I've been able to quickly think of something else and not indulge in the misery.

You're right about knowing if he's into you or not. I knew something was off, but a lot of people were telling me that I was overthinking so I kept letting it slide. I know here it was the opposite, but when you get two sides to it, I tend to go with the more optimistic one.

Thanks for your positive words.