How to deal with dating someone until you're exclusive?

[Allupinnit]

I would not sleep with this guy until he's your boyfriend and he shows you a clean STD panel.  Sounds like he has a lot of options, and he's still scoping what's out there online.

[lovesfool]

On 12/6/2021 at 3:50 PM, Girl Fade Away said:

@lovesfoolhave you heard from him yet to reschedule?  After he broke the date at the last minute because he was not '100% into it'?   

Did you share that info with members of the other site and that you have only had 4 dates?  Which is what you posted in your initial post.

I'm speculating but I have a feeling what you shared with them fit your narrative of what you wanted to hear because in your heart of hearts you do not want to stop dating this guy. 

Which is fine, you do not need anyone else's approval.  Continue dating him, assuming HE wants that too and good luck. 

Sorry for the delay in replying. We met up during the week to go to the cinema. We also were sexually intimate, but did not have full sex. That was only because my roommate was next door and didn't want to create a noise!

I shared exactly the same information but I think the different response is down to it being the general public who responded. I think here most people are invested in dating and giving advice whereas those on the other local forum are just your average people who may or may not be used to giving dating advice.

My biggest worry is trying to tell the different between a red flag and just me overthinking. My friends regularly tell me that I overthink so then when a real red flag appears I never truly know.

I am always second guessing myself and never know what to think. For example, a guy being a bad texter - some are really bad texters! Why can't this guy just be one of those? On the other hand people say if a guy really likes you he would make the effort to text more. It's so, so confusing and I'm mentally worn down.

On 12/6/2021 at 6:37 PM, Allupinnit said:

I would not sleep with this guy until he's your boyfriend and he shows you a clean STD panel.  Sounds like he has a lot of options, and he's still scoping what's out there online.

His tests all came back clean thankfully.

I was also going to ask him this weekend to be exclusive. I sent him a message to say I'd like to see him in person, but he said he had a busy weekend but would like to meet early next week. I told him that I wanted to talk to him about something. His immediate response (he replied straight away which is so weird for him!) was "Did I do something wrong? I'm really nervous now." I reassured him that it wasn't anything bad and just wanted to chat about us (using different words). He then said feel free to ask (in a positive way), but I told him I'd prefer to say it in person. I haven't heard from him since, but I don't know if I might have just scared him with the "we need to talk" message!

Why is dating always so complicated with me!

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I told him that I wanted to talk to him about something. His immediate response  was "Did I do something wrong? I'm really nervous now." I haven't heard from him since, but I don't know if I might have just scared him with the "we need to talk" message

The "we need to talk" communication is usually unnecessary drama. Either say nothing until you're in person or say it.

Dating is as difficult as you want it to be. Perhaps address undue anxiety and keep it low-drama.

[Allupinnit]

Well, I'm glad he doesn't have an STD!

Still, I think you like him more than he likes you and it's a bad idea to get further attached in that situation by having sex with the guy.  By pinning him down with the exclusivity talk you're attempting to take control of the situation to avoid getting played.  

He isn't on a message board sweating about how to make you his gf - he's going about his life, making plans for the weekend that don't include you, breaking dates when he feels like it, and putting the "talk" with you on ice until he feels like dealing with it.  He's not treating you like a girlfriend and having "the talk" with him won't make it so.

Is he still active on the dating apps?  

 

 

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I am always second guessing myself and never know what to think. For example, a guy being a bad texter - some are really bad texters! Why can't this guy just be one of those? On the other hand people say if a guy really likes you he would make the effort to text more....

Thanks for the update lovesfool.  I think one of the reasons you have trouble differentiating serious interest from casual interest is something I posted earlier - you lack experience dating men who are seriously interested in you. 

Because if you did have that experience, trust me you would KNOW the difference and would not constantly be wondering, questioning, second guessing, overthinking.  And creating threads asking others. 

WRT to how often a man texts, there are no rules about this, so best to toss any notion saying when a man seriously likes you, he will text/call you more often.  Some will and some won't, it means nothing.

Texting is such an insignificant part of the entire process, people place far too much value on its significance and it can really mess things up. 

I have found many of these so-called rules about texting, how many dates you've had per week, etc are arbitrary and contrived.  

When two people have very high interest in each other, well, they just KNOW.  It's based on how they interact, their body language, how they treat each other, how they connect.  

In long distance relationships, they rely on messaging, face timing, etc but the key is they are still connecting.  

It's something you feel, NOT anything you or they do, like texting more, calling more, complimenting more, buying flowers, for example.  I am a big believer in that and it's been true for me in my dating experiences and relationships.

Maybe I'm different but I have always been able to feel when men are seriously interested in me.   It's a mutual feeling. 

I've also had enough men who have been seriously interested in me to know the difference between serious and casual. 

I may have chosen to ACT casual and vice versa at various times but I always FELT the interest.  We always had that connection.  I never questioned it.

Dating is so nuanced, never black and white. That's why on forums like LS, it's difficult for posters to truly know whats going on because we hear only one side, human beings are complex and often times things are rarely if ever what they appear to be on the outside. 

That said, here, based on how much overthinking and second guessing and questioning YOU are doing, his breaking of dates last minute which is disrespectfu, his feelings for you are not serious.  

If he were serious, again you would know and once you experience dating men who ARE seriously interested it will be easier for you to next men who aren't, assuming serious is what YOU want.

 

 

Edited December 12, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[lovesfool]

Another update. He ended things! Said he wasn't ready for a relationship because it was too soon after his breakup. I did suspect it and asked him before if this was just a rebound, but of course he's never going to recognise if he's on the rebound himself.

I don't know if this means if there'll never be a chance in the future, but I'm not going to hold out hope.

I'm surprisingly okay though. I think I was more worked up over the uncertainty as opposed to having overly strong feelings for him.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

He ended things! I'm surprisingly okay though. I think I was more worked up over the uncertainty as opposed to having overly strong feelings for him.

Excellent. That fact that you were walking on eggs wringing your hands over this indicates he was more trouble than it's worth.

[Sun Seeker]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

Another update. He ended things! Said he wasn't ready for a relationship because it was too soon after his breakup. I did suspect it and asked him before if this was just a rebound, but of course he's never going to recognise if he's on the rebound himself.

I don't know if this means if there'll never be a chance in the future, but I'm not going to hold out hope.

I'm surprisingly okay though. I think I was more worked up over the uncertainty as opposed to having overly strong feelings for him.

No surprises there, it was pretty clear from the start it was going to end this way. Hopefully you learn from this experience and start taking more notice of red flags instead of ignoring them or trying to justify them.

[jdesey]

First off I wanna clarify something. Do not assume that men are dating several women and have all these options. There’s an old saying. Women are with men they choose,  men are with women that they can.

 

and yes it would be totally cool to tell this guy that you only date one guy at a time. If it’s the right guy it won’t scare him off at all. It would be a relief to hear that because then I know that the woman I’m interested in is turning down all other offers, getting off the dating site and so forth

[lovesfool]

I did try to figure out if there was any potential in the future once he got over his breakup. This is naive I know, but I wanted to get it straight in my own mind whether I should remove him from my life altogether now. I left breadcrumbs where he could have said "maybe when my head is straight we can see" or whatever, but thankfully he ignored them all and ended it with "it was really nice getting to know you". In my mind that tells me he just wasn't that into me and I'm glad I've been able to fully write him out of my life now, even though I did really like him.

I know you all can see the signs, but its hard not to get sucked in when dates go really well and he tells you how much he likes you and has never felt so comfortable with someone before. You tend to ignore the other parts and just assume they're his personality quirks. I feel very jaded about dating now.

[Allupinnit]

I'm sorry, OP.  I'm glad he didn't string you along any further, but his actions were pretty clear.

Unfortunately he's probably continue to do this for a while, meet and hook up with strange women until he feels "ready."  I think everyone here can say they've been "victim" to this sort of dater.

[lovesfool]

7 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

I'm sorry, OP.  I'm glad he didn't string you along any further, but his actions were pretty clear.

Unfortunately he's probably continue to do this for a while, meet and hook up with strange women until he feels "ready."  I think everyone here can say they've been "victim" to this sort of dater.

I'd like to think he didn't do it consciously. He wouldn't go to all that effort of texting everyday and going on 8 dates (I think) to just hook up with me at the end of it. Especially when I know he could have hooked up with any woman he wanted.

It was likely too quick for him to go back into the dating scene, which I thought might have been the case at the time and I even asked him. I knew there was a risk there, but I still went ahead and dated him. Ultimately when our sexual encounter wasn't quite what he wanted, he must have realised that what he really needed right now was just sex. 

His behaviour wasn't ideal over the short month of dating, but it was consistent at least. I think he really did enjoy spending time with me, but maybe he conflated lust with genuine interest. One thing that confuses me, and I hope you all can help me deal with, where did all his desire just disappear to? After and during a lot of our dates he would say how much he liked me, how he felt so comfortable around me and even that he was falling for me. Is this what happens to a guy in a rebound, that he displays intense emotion which suddenly evaporates?

I do wonder what would have happened if I put everything on hold until he was over his rebound period. A part of me thinks it might have worked out differently, but now it seems he has completely written me off.

I think all I can do now is try to make a list of negative things about him and hope it helps me move on quickly.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

His behaviour wasn't ideal over the short month of dating, but it was consistent at least. 

That's ok. It's a good lesson in red flags and cutting your losses sooner. Or better yet, pass on the ones with several glaring red flags, like this guy.

Take calculated risks. That means investing your time and energy wisely rather than pulling levers on low return slot machines for the thrill.

Edited December 13, 2021 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

34 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

. One thing that confuses me, and I hope you all can help me deal with, where did all his desire just disappear to? After and during a lot of our dates he would say how much he liked me, how he felt so comfortable around me and even that he was falling for me.

He probably said all that, to get you to feel comfortable enough to sleep with him.
Men tend to do that...
A guy 1.5 months out of a relationship and an STI issue, probably does not have women queueing up to have sex with him, so he was laying it on thick.

However, once you started with the "relationship" talk, it was too much.
He no doubt just wanted fun and some good sex to forget his troubles. 
You turned out to be far too much like hard work.

You tried to turn a guy only suitable for a "fling", into a serious prospect and unsurprisingly he wasn't having it.

[lovesfool]

15 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He probably said all that, to get you to feel comfortable enough to sleep with him.
Men tend to do that...
A guy 1.5 months out of a relationship and an STI issue, probably does not have women queueing up to have sex with him, so he was laying it on thick.

However, once you started with the "relationship" talk, it was too much.
He no doubt just wanted fun and some good sex to forget his troubles. 
You turned out to be far too much like hard work.

You tried to turn a guy only suitable for a "fling", into a serious prospect and unsurprisingly he wasn't having it.

Is that not making a lot of assumptions? He always knew my intentions and that I was looking for something long-term. He said he was looking for the same from the get-go. He even said that he was looking for long-term before I mentioned it. And why would he bother arranging dates when he was abstaining from sex while being tested?

And trust me, he could have had his fill of sex elsewhere if he wanted. He didn't have any STD fears in the first couple of weeks we were dating.

[Allupinnit]

After a breakup a lot of men are just hoping that swiping online will lead to filling the void that was left by the ex.  Nobody wants to sit around and marinate in their bad feelings when a new woman could soften the blow.

He probably DID like you and had fun on your dates but men tend to be very "in the moment" and will go home and think about things and realize their thoughts still drift back to the ex instead of you.  

Of course he isn't going to admit to you that he's still hung up on the ex, that doesn't serve him.  

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I think here most people are invested in dating and giving advice whereas those on the other local forum are just your average people who may or may not be used to giving dating advice.

What are they there for if not to give and get advice?

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I was also going to ask him this weekend to be exclusive.

I cringed when I read this.  He knew this was coming so he ended it before you could ask.  Let the guy's lead on this.

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, lovesfool said:

After and during a lot of our dates he would say how much he liked me, how he felt so comfortable around me and even that he was falling for me. Is this what happens to a guy in a rebound, that he displays intense emotion which suddenly evaporates?

Women always ask this question.  Simple:  Of course he "likes" you, feels comfortable with you and that is why he's asking you out.  It isn't a declaration of love.  When a person's feelings don't excel from dating they normally end it and try with someone else.  And yes, he likes you enough to have sex with you too.

[Alpacalia]

Lists of negative things are useful if you believe they will help you move on.

It's prudent to be more cautious around people who have recently ended a relationship. It's best if you don't date them at all. However, if you do, keep your dates informal and continue to meet other people.

Break-ups emotionally mess people up for a while and it's extremely hard to connect with someone new.

He deserves as much time as he needs to heal, and you are not obliged to be the one who occupies his time while he does so.

6 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I think all I can do now is try to make a list of negative things about him and hope it helps me move on quickly.

 

[lovesfool]

16 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

After a breakup a lot of men are just hoping that swiping online will lead to filling the void that was left by the ex.  Nobody wants to sit around and marinate in their bad feelings when a new woman could soften the blow.

He probably DID like you and had fun on your dates but men tend to be very "in the moment" and will go home and think about things and realize their thoughts still drift back to the ex instead of you.  

Of course he isn't going to admit to you that he's still hung up on the ex, that doesn't serve him.  

Reading between the lines, he did say that his head wasn't in the right place. If it was me, I certainly would be thinking about my ex only two months after we broke up. I don't want to bear any harsh feelings towards him so I'm going to cut all contact after his last message which was "it was really nice getting to know you".

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What are they there for if not to give and get advice?

It's a general forum. It's not specifically for giving advice.

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I cringed when I read this.  He knew this was coming so he ended it before you could ask.  Let the guy's lead on this.

Thanks for making me feel worse than I already do.

I don't think he saw it coming until I actually mentioned it. At the weekend I asked him to hang out but he said he was too busy (clearly he was already having doubts because he didn't have any solid plans). He went silent after I said I wanted to ask him something. I had to check in with him again yesterday and he told me that he was thinking about us over the past couple of days and admitted that he wasn't ready for a relationship.

[glows]

6 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I think he really did enjoy spending time with me, but maybe he conflated lust with genuine interest. One thing that confuses me, and I hope you all can help me deal with, where did all his desire just disappear to? After and during a lot of our dates he would say how much he liked me, how he felt so comfortable around me and even that he was falling for me. Is this what happens to a guy in a rebound, that he displays intense emotion which suddenly evaporates?

He may have just changed his mind about you. 

Him being newly single is a piece of info where you may infer emotional availability (which may or may not be true). It doesn’t necessarily explain everything about him. It’s only a warning to proceed with caution. 

Try not to let this consume you. He’s one out of many. Go out there and meet new people. This will fade but take the lessons with you.

 

[Girl Fade Away]

30 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

After a breakup a lot of men are just hoping that swiping online will lead to filling the void that was left by the ex.  Nobody wants to sit around and marinate in their bad feelings when a new woman could soften the blow.

He probably DID like you and had fun on your dates but men tend to be very "in the moment" and will go home and think about things and realize their thoughts still drift back to the ex instead of you.  

Of course he isn't going to admit to you that he's still hung up on the ex, that doesn't serve him.  

This is very true and women do this as well, not just men.  I know I certainly have..

Some people swear by "the fastest way to get over someone is to get under another" but personally, and I know many who feel the same, dating others so soon after a breakup with someone I loved and may still love (at that time), causes me to think about my ex more, not less.

That's why it's best to not get too involved with someone so soon after a breakup, generally speaking.  There are of course always exceptions, nothing is ever black and white.   

But here, there were so many red flags, the last minute cancellation of dates 3 times in such a short period, being one of the biggest imo.  But there were other red flags as well. 

Anyway, I am sorry things did not work out, but all is not for naught, there are lessons to be learned from this, and an opportunity for growth. 

Enjoy the holidays lovesfool, start fresh next year.  

 

 

Edited December 13, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[lovesfool]

I think the thing that is bothering me the most right now is the last time we met. It was his suggestion that we meet for a date and so we decided on a trip to the movies. On the day I asked him to come over to mine beforehand and we fooled around and he seemed to really enjoy it. We even had a nice cuddle afterwards. After the movie as we were both going our separate ways, he came up to me to kiss me goodbye i.e. he instigated it. I had no idea that would be the last time I'd see him.

He even mentioned to me the next morning that it was "another great date" (unprompted by me) and will have to do it again. All things pointed to him still being interested and things going really well.

Something must have happened between that date and yesterday. I told him I wish we had gone the whole way when he was at mine and I hoped he wasn't disappointed. He said he would have liked it to have happened, but it wasn't the end of the world. I did ask some questions about his sex drive, just to get an understanding of what to expect. He basically said it was high and I said that I can survive a while without it, but really enjoy it with the right guy. The next morning I messaged him to see if he wanted to make plans for the weekend and said he was busy and maybe early next week. At that point I knew something was up so I asked if we could chat and he said to ask any question I wanted, but I said I'd prefer to talk in person.

I didn't hear anything from him for 1.5 days and then asked to see if I scared him by asking to chat. He said I didn't, but then proceeded to break up with me!

I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but I don't know how it went from having a great date to break up in the space of a couple of days. Either he got put off by me asking about his sex drive or else feelings for his ex came back into play and realised he couldn't continue with something serious. I wish I could understand  

[Allupinnit]

You probably never will understand as feelings are fickle things and change on a dime.  

For all you know his Ex hit him up again and they hooked up - please don't feel that by sleeping with him you could have changed the outcome.  That never works; men have what they like to call "post nut clarity" and you would have felt even worse if he had dumped you after sex.

When you said you wanted to talk after he claimed to be busy all weekend he knew you wanted more.  He's not there.