Girl Fade Away Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 13 minutes ago, lovesfool said: What am I missing Firstly, I'm sorry. Secondly, what you are missing is that this is NOT how an interested man behaves. There is no "men will be men" and "this is what dating is" with all the multi-dating, juggling, flaking, canceling last minute, etc when a man is truly into you.. Correction: When two people are into each other! Now that you know what you know, might be wise to re-read this thread, you may view our posts completely differently now. Anyway, my advice is to NEXT. By my count, this is twice now he has flaked last minute. This early in, that should be a dealbreaker. It would be for me but then again I never would have gotten this far with him in the first place. Way to many other men out there to settle for that. Big lesson to learn from this @lovesfool.
Author lovesfool Posted December 5, 2021 Author Posted December 5, 2021 12 minutes ago, stillafool said: You respond with "okay" what else can you say? We've already told you to end it so I don't know why you are asking that question. He obviously has a better offer and that is why he cancelled. Really? Do you not address it at all? I don't want to be childish and not say anything. It would be weird not to. 8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Stop being stood up and disrespected by bad eggs like this. Response? Delete and block. This is strike 4. You know what's going on. He's seeing others and/or his ex. He saw another opportunity to get lucky, so blew you off. I'm not that kind of person. I can't just delete and block someone without saying something. I would accept him seeing others if I'm honest. The only reason being is that it's so common that I'd be stupid to think men will commit themselves to one woman early on in a relationship. I've asked around friends and general attitude online and most seem to think it's acceptable in modern dating. One of my closest friends was dating two girls at the same time and then eventually "picked" one. They're now married with two kids. There is definitely something going on, but to enthusiastically agree to a date and then delay it twice, only to just cancel it altogether is very odd. If he wasn't interested, why agree? If he had made another (better) date, why not cancel the first time instead of delaying? Very strange! 4 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said: Firstly, I'm sorry. Secondly, what you are missing is that this is NOT how an interested man behaves. There is no "men will be men" and "this is what dating is" with all the multi-dating, juggling, flaking, canceling last minute, etc when a man is truly into you.. Correction: When two people are into each other! Now that you know what you know, might be wise to re-read this thread, you may view our posts completely differently now. Anyway, my advice is to NEXT. By my count, this is twice now he has flaked last minute. This early in, that should be a dealbreaker. It would be for me but then again I never would have gotten this far with him in the first place. Way to many other men out there to settle for that. Big lesson to learn from this @lovesfool. I think I'll just call him out on it. Say to him that I'm not getting the feeling you're that interested and maybe it's best to call it all off. I'm sure you'll tell me to not say anything, but I can't do that, even if you think it would be stupid to say anything. I'm so confused by all of this. I've never had a guy this interested in me before (even despite the cancellations) and yet it turns out he's a dud! I can't cope with dating anymore. I'm just so tired of it all.
Wiseman2 Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 3 minutes ago, lovesfool said: I can't just delete and block someone without saying something. Ok, send a diplomatic messaging stating 'we're not a match', then delete and block. Why tolerate this disrespect so early on? There is nothing invested here, cut your losses. 1
Author lovesfool Posted December 5, 2021 Author Posted December 5, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok, send a diplomatic messaging stating 'we're not a match', then delete and block. Why tolerate this disrespect so early on? There is nothing invested here, cut your losses. I am trying to see this from someone else's perspective. Writing someone completely off because they cancelled a date when you're not exclusive seems over the top, no? It's only casual dating so to come back with that seems like an overreaction. It may be true, but I certainly wouldn't phrase it like that! You seem to be very black and white in dating which is difficult when humans are involved who are notoriously grey!
Wiseman2 Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 Just now, lovesfool said: You seem to be very black and white in dating which is difficult when humans are involved who are notoriously grey! Decisiveness and foresight are assets. Argumentativeness and playing social worker are not.
stillafool Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 15 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Really? Do you not address it at all? I don't want to be childish and not say anything. It would be weird not to. What in the world is there to address. He can't make it for whatever reason and cancelled the date. What else do you need to know? 2
Girl Fade Away Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 (edited) 27 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Say to him that I'm not getting the feeling you're that interested and maybe it's best to call it all off. This looks like a cry for reassurance and trust me HE will interpret that way as well. So no I do not not advise saying this. It's much too early in. This is the stage to evaluate if he is a good fit for you, not seek reassurance What I am wondering is why you care how interested he is or not? The man is a complete flake, displaying not only a lack of interest but a lack of respect as well, canceling last minute twice now. Among other things. Why is this OK for you? Multi-dating or not, flaking last minute twice within a very short time displays a clear lack of interest. I am not usually one to tell a poster what to do but will make an exception this time. @lovesfoolYOU make the decision to end it. By texting him saying this isn't working for you. All the best. Or something similar. No need to explain why, he is not stupid he will know.. You have higher standards for yourself, or should. THAT is the silent message you should be sending him and yourself. Edited December 5, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 3
Author lovesfool Posted December 5, 2021 Author Posted December 5, 2021 4 minutes ago, stillafool said: What in the world is there to address. He can't make it for whatever reason and cancelled the date. What else do you need to know? Honestly? To know that I'm not overreacting. I don't find very many guys attractive at all, emotionally or physically. This is why I find it hard to let go of someone I'm attracted to when there's a red flag. I tell myself that there is a chance there's a genuine reason behind why he did X, Y or Z. There is always a chance (as you can never be 100% sure) and this is what I cling onto. 1 minute ago, Girl Fade Away said: This looks like a cry for reassurance and trust me HE will interpret that way as well. So no I do not not advise saying this. It's much too early in. This is the time to evaluate if he is a good fit for you, not seek reassurance What I am wondering is why you care how interested he is or not? The man is a complete flake, displaying not only a lack of interest but a lack of respect as well, canceling last minute twice now. Among other things. Red flags. Why is this OK for you? I am not usually one to tell a poster what to do but will make an exception this time. @lovesfoolYOU make the decision to end it. By texting him saying this isn't working for you. All the best. Or something similar. No need to explain why, he is not stupid he will know.. You have higher standards for yourself, or should. THAT is the silent message you should be sending him and yourself. Like above, I care because I don't have much success with men. I don't know about complete flake. We've had 6 great dates that he didn't flake on. He has expressed lots of interest by actually going on dates, sincerely expressing his attraction to me (not just physical) and rescheduling the date(s) he had to postpone. What would be the explanation of someone doing all these things but having no real interest in you? This is what I don't understand! Also, is a last minute cancellation always a break up scenario? Is there any way you'd let it slide?
stillafool Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 6 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Honestly? To know that I'm not overreacting. I don't find very many guys attractive at all, emotionally or physically. This is why I find it hard to let go of someone I'm attracted to when there's a red flag. I tell myself that there is a chance there's a genuine reason behind why he did X, Y or Z. There is always a chance (as you can never be 100% sure) and this is what I cling onto. Okay, you're perfectly entitled to hold onto this thought. However he has cancelled this date on you so tell yourself whatever makes you feel better about this cancellation and keep giving this guy a chance to be your Prince Charming. What else can we tell you here? Your mind is already made up. 1
Girl Fade Away Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 (edited) 32 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Also, is a last minute cancellation always a break up scenario? Is there any way you'd let it slide? It depends on why they are canceling. There were times I let a last minute cancellation slide when there was a legit reason. Like a family death or he became ill and the illness was legit. In those cases, he would call me, not text. He apologized and we would schedule another date. The first time this guy canceled last minute, he said he 'forgot' he made prior plans? Um no, not buying it. No one 'forgets' prior plans, he received a better offer. Even IF I was inclined to let that slide, now again he cancels last minute. I have no doubt it's for the same reason. @lovesfool with respect, it does not appear you value yourself all that highly. Tolerating poor treatment (and being flaked on twice last minute within a very short period of time certainly is in my world especially for the lame reasons he gave both times) because you *really* like him, are lonely or have no one else to date may be the worst reason to date someone. It suggests you have very low value and any man you date will view it that way as well. And most likely will continue to flake or treat you disrespectfully. We teach people how to treat us. Frankly I would rather date no one than a man who treats me this way. It's not entitlement, it because I value myself and prefer to date men who also value me. Edited December 5, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 3
Author lovesfool Posted December 5, 2021 Author Posted December 5, 2021 36 minutes ago, stillafool said: Okay, you're perfectly entitled to hold onto this thought. However he has cancelled this date on you so tell yourself whatever makes you feel better about this cancellation and keep giving this guy a chance to be your Prince Charming. What else can we tell you here? Your mind is already made up. Please appreciate that it's tough to hear (and accept) that everyone thinks the guy you're dating is a dud. 22 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said: It depends on why they are canceling. There were times I let a last minute cancellation slide when there was a legit reason. Like a family death or he became ill and the illness was legit. In those cases, he would call me, not text. He apologized and we would schedule another date. The first time this guy canceled last minute, he said he 'forgot' he made prior plans? Um no, not buying it. No one 'forgets' prior plans, he received a better offer. Even IF I was inclined to let that slide, now again he cancels last minute. I have no doubt it's for the same reason. @lovesfool with respect, it does not appear you value yourself all that highly. Tolerating poor treatment (and being flaked on twice last minute within a very short period of time certainly is in my world especially for the lame reasons he gave both times) because you *really* like him, are lonely or have no one else to date may be the worst reason to date someone. It suggests you have very low value and any man you date will view it that way as well. And most likely will continue to flake or treat you disrespectfully. We teach people how to treat us. Frankly I would rather date no one than a man who treats me this way. It's not entitlement, it because I value myself and prefer to date men who also value me. That first cancellation was an invite from him, and maybe 30 minutes later he said he forgot he had plans (before I responded). Highly unlikely he decided to schedule another date in that period! Wouldn't make any sense. He could easily have cancelled for another date which he is on right at the moment. Who knows. All anyone can do is speculate. I do value myself highly. Being flaked on is not nice, but that doesn't mean I accept it! What I'm getting is that if someone flakes on a date (except for illness or family death), then there is no coming back from that? Say if you were dating for 2 months, or 4 or 6? It seems strange to me that there are these unwritten rules and that if you don't follow them, then you must have a very low value on yourself. And up until now I've had zero men value me. This man does value me in many ways, but maybe not all the time. Does it make a difference that we went on a date yesterday as well? Maybe he's feeling it's a little too intense and wants to hold back a little. I know any alternative (logical) reason I throw out will be disregarded as me being naive, so maybe there's no point in me even saying it. 1
stillafool Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 Just now, lovesfool said: Please appreciate that it's tough to hear (and accept) that everyone thinks the guy you're dating is a dud. Since you're intent on giving this guy a chance; stop talking about him to others then you won't have to worry about what they think. 3
Wiseman2 Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 (edited) On 11/27/2021 at 3:53 PM, lovesfool said: So after this there were a couple of dates that he had to postpone with some odd excuses. One day he said he was too tired and wanted to do it the next day, which we did. The next time he asked me to call over to watch this live reality TV show with him, but then within the hour told me that he forgot that he had agreed to watch it with a friend so cancelled. He then tried to arrange something else for the next day. it's not nice actually knowing he's still active on the apps, possibly hooking up with other girls, even though he's entitled to. Unfortunately standing you up repeatedly and being active on dating sites is not "valuing you". Edited December 5, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Author lovesfool Posted December 5, 2021 Author Posted December 5, 2021 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: Since you're intent on giving this guy a chance; stop talking about him to others then you won't have to worry about what they think. You're right. I always seek advice online without dealing with the issue first myself. I never let things play out with my own decisions. I'm always second guessing myself.
Girl Fade Away Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 (edited) 39 minutes ago, lovesfool said: What I'm getting is that if someone flakes on a date (except for illness or family death), then there is no coming back from that? Say if you were dating for 2 months, or 4 or 6? It seems strange to me that there are these unwritten rules and that if you don't follow them, then you must have a very low value on yourself. That's not what I said though. Dating 2, 3, 4 months after having established there is mutual interest and trust is A LOT different from early in, only 4, 5, 6 dates. Not sure why you keep dismissing this important fact. Early in, most people who are very interested are on best behavior. They're not flaking, canceling last minute, they are very careful to keep their schedules straight and are excited to get together. They cannot wait to get together! It has nothing to do with 'rules' but rather making a good impression, fostering trust and spending time together building a foundation. This recent cancel, ugh. First he is helping mom then well, just wasn't into it. Did he even bother calling to reschedule? Again, this early in that sends a very clear message of disinterest at least to me. It has literally nothing to do with 'dating rules,' which personally I cannot stand. But hey, you are the one dating him, not any of us. So if you are OK with all this, then who cares what anyone else thinks, right? You do you as they say. Good luck and keep us updated, hope it works out! Edited December 5, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 1
LynneVicious Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 I had a hard time quoting a paragraph from your first post, but in it, you explain he rescheduled or canceled dates before and is still on the dating website - all in a short time frame A month or two after a long relationship is not long enough to process the end of a relationship. He’s clearly just playing the field for now. You can’t possibly expect him to want to be exclusive after a few dates and having a very recent breakup. I really don’t think this will end well for you. You’re more into him than he is with you. So that won’t work well in the end. He’s treating you like an option while you’re wanting to take it to the next level. If you want to gauge his interest, let him do the initiating: calling, texting, asking for dates. Stop courting him. If he does not initiate, then you’re wasting your time, which it seems like you’re doing anyway. 1
Alpacalia Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 2 hours ago, lovesfool said: I am trying to see this from someone else's perspective. Writing someone completely off because they cancelled a date when you're not exclusive seems over the top, no? It's only casual dating so to come back with that seems like an overreaction. It may be true, but I certainly wouldn't phrase it like that! You seem to be very black and white in dating which is difficult when humans are involved who are notoriously grey! It isn't about a cancelled date. He wants to play the field, it's as simple as that. Did you want to jump back into a relationship following the end of one of yours? Probably not. He's working through the end of his relationship ---> why do you want to stick around for that?
Girl Fade Away Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 (edited) Maybe it's me (probably is, lol) but didn't realize casual and multi-dating meant it was OK to flake last minute claiming you're not '100% into it.' Or that you 'forgot' you made previous plans with someone else? I mean you still like the person right? Even if they are one of many? You are attracted to them, respect them and their time? To me this man is just plain rude, regardless of whether it's casual and he is multi-dating. He has very little respect for the OP and her time. I cannot even imagine being told by a man I just began dating he is canceling our date because he's not 100% into it. Multi-dating or not. This man saying this, it's almost as if he was inviting lovesfool to dump him. Edited December 5, 2021 by Girl Fade Away
Weezy1973 Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 3 hours ago, lovesfool said: Like above, I care because I don't have much success with men. You don't have much success with men because of: 3 hours ago, lovesfool said: I don't find very many guys attractive at all, emotionally or physically. This is why I find it hard to let go of someone I'm attracted to when there's a red flag. I tell myself that there is a chance there's a genuine reason behind why he did X, Y or Z. There is always a chance (as you can never be 100% sure) and this is what I cling onto. Basically you're operating in scarcity, where you're destined to struggle, instead of abundance, where you're destined to succeed. Finding love is essentially a numbers game. The more people you find attractive, and the more people that find you attractive, the better your chances. This guy may not have lost total interest, but I suspect he's doing a slow fade. You're getting to the point where the exclusivity talk is going to happen soon, and clearly it's what you want. And so he likely is subconsciously (or consciously) starting to avoid you. Might feel you're getting too intense etc. 6 dates over the course of a couple of months is plenty of time to know if you want to date exclusively. Still not nearly enough time to commit to anything long term, but exclusive dating should be on the table at this point. 2
Girl Fade Away Posted December 6, 2021 Posted December 6, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said: You don't have much success with men because of: Basically you're operating in scarcity, where you're destined to struggle, instead of abundance, where you're destined to succeed. Finding love is essentiaBasically you're operating in scarcity, where you're destined to struggle, instead of abundance, where you're destined to succeedlly a numbers game. The more people you find attractive, and the more people that find you attractive, the better your chances. This guy may not have lost total interest, but I suspect he's doing a slow fade. You're getting to the point where the exclusivity talk is going to happen soon, and clearly it's what you want. And so he likely is subconsciously (or consciously) starting to avoid you. Might feel you're getting too intense etc. 6 dates over the course of a couple of months is plenty of time to know if you want to date exclusively. Still not nearly enough time to commit to anything long term, but exclusive dating should be on the table at this point. I totally agree Weezy especially emboldened. Does not necessarily mean you are dating multiple people, only that you know you have many options to do so if one doesn't work out, you have that confidence. That’s abundance. It can be one's mindset as well as how many people you are actually dating at any given time. Not that it matters much but lovesfool posted one week ago when she created this thread: "Been on 4 dates so far, but have been chatting for about 4 weeks so far." It would have been 6 dates but he flaked on two. Chatting/dating 4 weeks, it's too early in for this much drama and angst. Agree he is fading out most likely. . Edited December 6, 2021 by Girl Fade Away
Author lovesfool Posted December 6, 2021 Author Posted December 6, 2021 Out of interest I decided to ask people on a local forum the same questions about him flaking on my last date. Not that I doubted the advice here, but thought that it may be a regional thing. I'm not American and I understand some dating aspects are different there (such as stating you're exclusive or not). Bear in mind that this was a general forum and not specific to dating. The majority (maybe 70% of replies) said that I was overreacting and that if they were in his shoes they would run a mile! They believed that I was reading way too much into it and that guys do cancel for random reasons and not to think too deeply about it. I've been on a lot of successful dates with him so why throw it all away for a couple of postponed dates. There is no reason to believe he's dating someone else. There were some views similar to here, but it was more so that if this is how he behaves I need to be happy with that fact or else I should walk away. It's probably best that I talk to him either face to face or over the phone before making any rash decisions.
stillafool Posted December 6, 2021 Posted December 6, 2021 2 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Not that I doubted the advice here, but thought that it may be a regional thing. I'm not American and I understand some dating aspects are different there (such as stating you're exclusive or not). Yeah, it's best you follow advice from your reason. It's more to your liking.
Alpacalia Posted December 6, 2021 Posted December 6, 2021 You still don't get it. One month after a 1.5-year partnership, you are the first person he has dated. That indicates he's most likely on the rebound. Maybe he needs a little ego boost here and there to build himself back up. But, for sake of argument, let's say that's not the case. Go ahead and see it through if you believe this man is genuinely worth it and you're going to be the one he decides to go exclusive with.
glows Posted December 6, 2021 Posted December 6, 2021 When dating I like to see whether someone values my time and is in a similar frame of mind. From what you've written, OP, it doesn't sound like this man is either and he's not on the same page as you. You mentioned being an overthinker and wanting to know what the other person thinks. Usually, all you have to do is look at what they do. It will tell you everything you need to know about how they think. You may never know his reasons for blowing you off or cancelling dates. The one where you told him you were free that evening on the same day and he already had plans, it's unreasonable to expect someone to drop anything to see you. While it's nice if it happens, don't expect it. You seem to have high expectations, talk yourself down from them, and completely ignore what the person infront of you is doing, paying too much emphasis on what he says. I'd forget what he says. Pay more attention to what he does and what he's doing with his life. If he seems like a complete mess, move on to pursue someone else who treats you better.
Girl Fade Away Posted December 6, 2021 Posted December 6, 2021 (edited) @lovesfoolhave you heard from him yet to reschedule? After he broke the date at the last minute because he was not '100% into it'? Did you share that info with members of the other site and that you have only had 4 dates? Which is what you posted in your initial post. I'm speculating but I have a feeling what you shared with them fit your narrative of what you wanted to hear because in your heart of hearts you do not want to stop dating this guy. Which is fine, you do not need anyone else's approval. Continue dating him, assuming HE wants that too and good luck. Edited December 6, 2021 by Girl Fade Away
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