lonelyplanetmoon Posted November 29, 2021 Posted November 29, 2021 Reading this thread is making my head spin. You said you overthink things and this is very true. The reality when dating someone is that you have to expect that they are dating others. I think the problem in our day and age is we are able to see they MAY be dating others whereas before old, you kinda knew but did not see the evidence. Just because he is on the dating app does not mean he is not super into you. Nor does it mean he is dating others. It only means he is leaving the door open, which would be expected at this stage. That is how you need to look at it. You are starting to play games instead of being honest and communicating. If something worries you, ask him about it. Your feelings are yours and it is ok to own them. You just have to be prepared to be open and consider his reply and or position. I do think you are taking things too seriously at the moment. You should just focus on having as many fun dates with him as you can in order to get to know him and decide for yourself whether you want to take the next step. And when you do, just talk to him about it. His reply will give you your answer. Live in the present. Judge things by how they actually unfold as you interact. Honesty and communication builds a solid relationship.
lonelyplanetmoon Posted November 29, 2021 Posted November 29, 2021 And yes one month out of a relationship is a huge flag. But you don’t seem to want to give him up for this so why bother thinking about it? Either you are in or you are out. Being half in and half out develops into a sour relationship that will fail.
Author lovesfool Posted November 29, 2021 Author Posted November 29, 2021 Thanks. I'm taking in all the advice. Hopefully I can apply it! While I agree I'm overthinking, would you not be even slightly disappointed to know that the guy you're dating may also be seeing others, even if it's almost a fact of modern dating life now? Also what do you think about me asking if he's dating anyone else? I have a strong feeling he'd be honest about it because he's been very open about other things that he didn't have to be honest about! I was going to just say it in a casual way, not in a way to suggest being exclusive or anything like it right now. At least it's in the open then.
Wiseman2 Posted November 29, 2021 Posted November 29, 2021 (edited) On 11/27/2021 at 3:53 PM, lovesfool said: Been on 4 dates so far Have you seen each other again? You need to get perspective that it's 4 dates. Games with apps, whether using others as a "distraction" or with him won't help your self respect. Nor will ignoring huge red flags such as STDs and 1 mo. out of a relationship and claiming 'he's not on the rebound'. Rise above all this. Self respect comes with integrity. That means message people on apps you intend to date, not to amuse yourself. Edited November 29, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Girl Fade Away Posted November 29, 2021 Posted November 29, 2021 20 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Thanks. I'm taking in all the advice. Hopefully I can apply it! While I agree I'm overthinking, would you not be even slightly disappointed to know that the guy you're dating may also be seeing others, even if it's almost a fact of modern dating life now? Also what do you think about me asking if he's dating anyone else? I have a strong feeling he'd be honest about it because he's been very open about other things that he didn't have to be honest about! I was going to just say it in a casual way, not in a way to suggest being exclusive or anything like it right now. At least it's in the open then. @lovesfool honestly, when you are feeling this much angst over a guy after only 4 dates, do the simple thing and just next him. Seriously. Nothing good or positive will ever become of this when things start out this way. You posted this earlier: "It's hard not to be invested in this guy when there's only one guy!" Of course there are other guys, you just haven't talked to or met them yet! Get out there and start meeting them. Be open, be approachable. Smile! Get on some other apps and chatting with other men. No man should be a woman's only option. That is a recipe for failure right there. This is what I would do having learned what I know now. But course you do what is best for you. Sometimes it takes doing and failing before we learn anything at all. Good luck and keep us updated! 1
Author lovesfool Posted November 29, 2021 Author Posted November 29, 2021 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Have you seen each other again? You need to get perspective that it's 4 dates. Games with apps, whether using others as a "distraction" or with him won't help your self respect. Nor will ignoring huge red flags such as STDs and 1 mo. out of a relationship and claiming 'he's not on the rebound'. Rise above all this. Self respect comes with integrity. That means message people on apps you intend to date, not to amuse yourself. I don't see the STD testing as a red flag. He's getting checked, as everyone should if they've been sexually active. Not everyone would say it, but I just think that's his personality. He's very honest about a lot of things. We haven't had a 5th date, and it's been a week since our last one which feels like a long time between dates. Yesterday he asked me to go on a date today but I couldn't because I was going to be working late in the office. I sent him a message to see how his day was around the time we would have had the date and no response (even though he should have been free if he was planning a date with me!). I noticed he has been online on his messaging app, but not on the dating apps (it says when you were last active and he's on my welcome screen so it always tells me). A part of me thinks he had a free evening and went out on a date! Even typing this I can see that this is overthinking and I shouldn't care what he's doing, but I can't help it. I hate that I care and that these thoughts come into my head.
Girl Fade Away Posted November 29, 2021 Posted November 29, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, lovesfool said: I don't see the STD testing as a red flag This was mentioned earlier but why do you think he mentioned this to you? I mean, you are not sexual and it happened before you even met. So what do you think his purpose was in mentioning it? Open and honest disclosure? Of what exactly? I DO think him mentioning it was a red flag, again absolutely no reason for it except now it's got your head spinning in different directions. Admittedly you feel off balance and anxious since he told you. Not a very kind thing to do. You have had four dates and again you have not been sexual yet. Guy needs a filter if he's blurting out these types of things, yes to me it is a definite red flag along with other things like him making a date and then cancelling because he 'forgot' he made another date for the same time? What the heck. Edited November 29, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 1
Alpacalia Posted November 29, 2021 Posted November 29, 2021 (edited) The mentioning of a "possible STD/STI" is a red flag. (along with the other red flags already mentioned) It's a red flag because people don't typically go around informing potential sexual partners that they "might" have an STD/STI. I wonder if it's possible that he actually does have an STD/STI that he is already fully aware of. I have another thought as to his motivation behind mentioning it but I'll wait to see what OP's thoughts/comments are first. Edited November 29, 2021 by Alpaca 2
lonelyplanetmoon Posted November 30, 2021 Posted November 30, 2021 5 hours ago, lovesfool said: Thanks. I'm taking in all the advice. Hopefully I can apply it! While I agree I'm overthinking, would you not be even slightly disappointed to know that the guy you're dating may also be seeing others, even if it's almost a fact of modern dating life now? Also what do you think about me asking if he's dating anyone else? I have a strong feeling he'd be honest about it because he's been very open about other things that he didn't have to be honest about! I was going to just say it in a casual way, not in a way to suggest being exclusive or anything like it right now. At least it's in the open then. After 4 dates I feel it is fair to at least get a bearing on the direction you both are headed in. At this stage don’t take things too seriously so yes ask him casually like you are just curious as opposed to it is the end of the world. My point is not that it is modern dating. My point is that this was the case before dating apps SHOW a person looking to date others. Before they were doing the same thing, you just did not see them doing it unless you ran into them. My point-put the blinders on. Don’t look. It just makes you feel bad and it makes you look bad if you say something. Enjoy your dates with him and let things progress naturally. That is all you can really do.
Author lovesfool Posted December 2, 2021 Author Posted December 2, 2021 On 11/29/2021 at 9:13 PM, Girl Fade Away said: This was mentioned earlier but why do you think he mentioned this to you? I mean, you are not sexual and it happened before you even met. So what do you think his purpose was in mentioning it? Open and honest disclosure? Of what exactly? I DO think him mentioning it was a red flag, again absolutely no reason for it except now it's got your head spinning in different directions. Admittedly you feel off balance and anxious since he told you. Not a very kind thing to do. You have had four dates and again you have not been sexual yet. Guy needs a filter if he's blurting out these types of things, yes to me it is a definite red flag along with other things like him making a date and then cancelling because he 'forgot' he made another date for the same time? What the heck. He told me over text. The reason he said he wanted to be upfront was in case it got sexual. It'll take a few weeks for him to get the all clear (between getting an appointment and then receiving the results) and I would find it really odd if he didn't try to "make a move" if we were ever in each other's homes. Based on previous history, most guys at least make a suggestion at going back to theirs around date 3. Not saying I always engage in sex after 3 dates, but I probably would see it as strange if he didn't show any interest! The more I think about it the more I'm struggling to see how it's a bad thing! What ulterior motive could he have for telling me?! On 11/30/2021 at 2:49 AM, lonelyplanetmoon said: After 4 dates I feel it is fair to at least get a bearing on the direction you both are headed in. At this stage don’t take things too seriously so yes ask him casually like you are just curious as opposed to it is the end of the world. My point is not that it is modern dating. My point is that this was the case before dating apps SHOW a person looking to date others. Before they were doing the same thing, you just did not see them doing it unless you ran into them. My point-put the blinders on. Don’t look. It just makes you feel bad and it makes you look bad if you say something. Enjoy your dates with him and let things progress naturally. That is all you can really do. Thanks for the advice. He seems really sincere and sweet. I wholeheartedly believe he really likes me. After our last date he messaged me on his way home saying "I really like you. A lot. You make me feel so comfortable and I feel I can be myself around you." I know you'll say these are just words, but you need words to express your feelings! I don't know how else to tell if it's real or not. In person all I can say is that he seems just as interested in me. I always struggle with dating either by sabotaging something good or thinking the bad egg I'm dating is just misunderstood. Hopefully this is neither of those but I never can tell!
stillafool Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 On 11/29/2021 at 4:05 PM, lovesfool said: Even typing this I can see that this is overthinking and I shouldn't care what he's doing, but I can't help it. I hate that I care and that these thoughts come into my head. You're acting like you're in love with this guy already. Just assume he's seeing other girls because he's not exclusive with you. Are you okay with his multi dating?
Alpacalia Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 (edited) I think he's segueing you into telling you that he has an STD. Or, trying to feel you out to see if you have an STD. That or he's just postponing sex with you because he's too busy having sex with other women. Edited December 2, 2021 by Alpaca
ccas93 Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 (edited) When I'm dating someone, before we are both ready for serious exclusivity, it would make me cringe if my attitude toward them caused them to think "oh I want to meet Johnny tonight for drinks but I'm seeing ccas93 and he'd be mad if I saw Johnny" I no longer want to take from someone, or feel like the person I'm seeing CAN'T do something because of me. I now look to add value to their life. If I'm really that awesome, and the connection is real, I trust that they won't want to see Johnny too much anyway. Once I learned and understood this, I started having a much better time. I wouldn't ask or expect exclusivity from this guy after 4 dates. I'd say find someone else with different circumstances and who is more traditional, and don't force exclusivity. Contrived is a turn off. Edited December 2, 2021 by ccas93
Allupinnit Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 Well there is a reason that your spidey senses are tingling and that's because your gut is telling you something about this guy, but you don't want to admit it. We women for whatever reason have a hard time with that and instead want to give men the benefit of the doubt in these casual situations. This rarely works out in our favor. He's only been out of a LTR for ONE MONTH and has already managed to *possibly* contract an STD? And you've been out with him four times?! He really isn't wasting any time getting back out there, huh? You can bet that he is on the rebound and trying to hook up with as many women as possible online. In fact I'd say a large portion of people you swipe online are on the "rebound" - the instant validation and distraction from the pain is just too easy. If he's good-looking and fun then other women think he is, too, and I've heard men say it's like shooting fish in a barrel online to play the field. After four dates you don't know him at all and have no reason to really believe what he says in regards to "rebound", etc. We all know what it feels like to have a man really and sincerely interested in us and you know this isn't that. "I forgot I made plans with my friends"? Is he a dude-bro? I don't know a lot of men who would ditch a girl they really like because they "forgot" they made plans with a bunch of other dudes. Unless he only sees you as casual. My sense is that after asking you out, another woman online came back and said she could also meet, so he pushed you off til the next day. That's what multi-daters do - keep their options open at all times. 1
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 On 11/27/2021 at 8:53 PM, lovesfool said: . It's been the best few dates I've been on in some years I have to say. I just seem to click with him, he's funny and attractive. Ticks all the boxes! This is your problem. He is the best you have had for years, so you want to ignore the huge red flags that are fluttering in the breeze 2
Uruktopi Posted December 3, 2021 Posted December 3, 2021 21 minutes ago, elaine567 said: This is your problem. He is the best you have had for years, so you want to ignore the huge red flags that are fluttering in the breeze You are right. But even so, as a matter of scale and not always of nature, we use " to ignore the huge red flags" with our long time partners and we call it love. 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 3, 2021 Posted December 3, 2021 13 hours ago, lovesfool said: I always struggle with dating either by sabotaging something good or thinking the bad egg I'm dating is just misunderstood. In this case it's #2 he's a bad egg.
Author lovesfool Posted December 5, 2021 Author Posted December 5, 2021 On 12/2/2021 at 11:38 PM, Allupinnit said: Well there is a reason that your spidey senses are tingling and that's because your gut is telling you something about this guy, but you don't want to admit it. We women for whatever reason have a hard time with that and instead want to give men the benefit of the doubt in these casual situations. This rarely works out in our favor. He's only been out of a LTR for ONE MONTH and has already managed to *possibly* contract an STD? And you've been out with him four times?! He really isn't wasting any time getting back out there, huh? You can bet that he is on the rebound and trying to hook up with as many women as possible online. In fact I'd say a large portion of people you swipe online are on the "rebound" - the instant validation and distraction from the pain is just too easy. If he's good-looking and fun then other women think he is, too, and I've heard men say it's like shooting fish in a barrel online to play the field. After four dates you don't know him at all and have no reason to really believe what he says in regards to "rebound", etc. We all know what it feels like to have a man really and sincerely interested in us and you know this isn't that. "I forgot I made plans with my friends"? Is he a dude-bro? I don't know a lot of men who would ditch a girl they really like because they "forgot" they made plans with a bunch of other dudes. Unless he only sees you as casual. My sense is that after asking you out, another woman online came back and said she could also meet, so he pushed you off til the next day. That's what multi-daters do - keep their options open at all times. I thought I was bad for catastrophising and overthinking, but that seems extreme! Firstly, ANYONE can get an STD from a one night stand. I don't know the circumstances of his last relationship but for all I know it could have been sexless towards the end and he's entirely in his right to enjoy himself after a breakup. Am I wrong? I'm not trying to defend him, but I'm just trying to get to terms with the realities of life. On 12/2/2021 at 11:44 PM, elaine567 said: This is your problem. He is the best you have had for years, so you want to ignore the huge red flags that are fluttering in the breeze Again, what's the red flag? Having sex with a woman after he broke up with his ex? Is that worth writing him off? If everyone did that then we'd all be single for the rest of our lives! I do find that anyone I date turns out to have huge red flags when I talk about them here, largely for the fact that they are men behaving like men typically do! It's nice to get a balanced view between here and my friends who say I'm overthinking about the STD testing. On 12/3/2021 at 11:49 AM, Wiseman2 said: In this case it's #2 he's a bad egg. Honestly, is that not totally unfair? I know I was a bit taken aback by it, but just because someone has an STD test they're a bad egg? Would it be better that he didn't tell me and tried to have sex with me anyways? 1
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 6 minutes ago, lovesfool said: gain, what's the red flag? Having sex with a woman after he broke up with his ex? Is that worth writing him off? If everyone did that then we'd all be single for the rest of our lives! That is not one of the red flags... 1
Girl Fade Away Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 On 12/2/2021 at 3:38 PM, Allupinnit said: We [women] all know what it feels like to have a man really and sincerely interested in us and you know this isn't that. Great point @Allupinnit. I'm wondering @lovesfool if you DO know what it feels like to have a man truly and sincerely interested in you. Perhaps that's the disconnect here. You don't and as such feel you need to settle for this, a man who cancels a date with you to accept another (better offer) and everything else justifying it as "boys will be boys" or "this is just how men are" or "what dating is" or whatever else you are telling yourself. It's NOT. Not by a long shot when a man is truly interested in you and seeking long term with you versus casual. If you only want casual fair enough, it has its benefits. But if you are seeking something long term and substantial, this isn't your guy imo, sorry. 2
Sun Seeker Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 So many red flags. If I was into a woman, there is no way I would postpone a date with her because I had pre arranged to do something with a friend and only remembered last minute. I would instead be telling my friend we will have to postpone. Not sure how you can think him telling you about the potential STI is a good thing, it's certainly not. There is no need to give that information, until the time came when you were going to be intimate. 1.5 months after a break up... from experience the only thing that is going to be on his mind is to get with as many women as possible, especially as he is active on dating apps. This is only going to go one way.. with you getting hurt. If you want something casual and non serious sure keep seeing him. If you want something long term, he is not your guy. 4
Wiseman2 Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 2 hours ago, lovesfool said: just because someone has an STD test they're a bad egg? Would it be better that he didn't tell me and tried to have sex with me anyways? Is he the only man asking you out? Needs STD testing, a nanosecond out of a relationship and already stood you up? So many red flags. Being honest about his sleaziness doesn't make him a good man. 1
Author lovesfool Posted December 5, 2021 Author Posted December 5, 2021 I know my username is lovesfool, but I truly must be a fool. I arranged a date with him today which he enthusiastically said yes to. Then shortly beforehand he said could we push it out by 30 minutes because his mother needed him to do errands, then it turned into an hour. Finally he said he wasn't feeling 100% so wanted to reschedule. I don't get it. I really don't. This guy was always keen to go on dates with me, said the nicest things (which surprised me that he was so into me) and had the nicest of dates (by his words) and I know he isn't looking just looking for sex (because he had the opportunities before, excluding the whole STD check thing). What am I missing? What is he getting from this? It's hard to see this as him just not wanting to meet me, but why would he enthusiatically agree in the first place? Also how do I respond? Do I just end it there and then?
stillafool Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 8 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Also how do I respond? Do I just end it there and then? You respond with "okay" what else can you say? We've already told you to end it so I don't know why you are asking that question. He obviously has a better offer and that is why he cancelled.
Wiseman2 Posted December 5, 2021 Posted December 5, 2021 11 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Finally he said he wasn't feeling 100% so wanted to reschedule Stop being stood up and disrespected by bad eggs like this. Response? Delete and block. This is strike 4. You know what's going on. He's seeing others and/or his ex. He saw another opportunity to get lucky, so blew you off.
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