How to deal with dating someone until you're exclusive?

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, lovesfool said:

 I was the first date he's been on since his breakup, a little over a month since they split. . a girl he hooked up with after his breakup told him to get checked for an STI! 

Ok. 30 days and 4 dates is a good time to observe all these red flags .

Of course you know he's talking to meeting and sleeping with others as well as still talking to his on/off GF.

All you can do is reflect and decide what you want from this. 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Wiseman2

[bene]

14 hours ago, lovesfool said:

One day he said he was too tired and wanted to do it the next day, which we did.

Didn’t notice this at first. I’m sorry but this is a really lazy excuse and I’d take notice that he treats it very casually. People are not too tired to do things that excite them.

There’s a wise saying to never treat someone as a priority when they treat you as an option.

[lovesfool]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. 30 days and 4 dates is a good time to observe all these red flags .

Of course you know he's talking to meeting and sleeping with others as well as still talking to his on/off GF.

All you can do is reflect and decide what you want from this. 

Well I don't know he's talking, meeting and sleeping with others as all I know is that he's on dating apps. Could be just looking out of boredom. Even if he is meeting others, isn't he allowed to as long as we're not exclusive? Also I don't know where you get that he's chatting to his on/off girlfriend. Maybe the wrong thread?

33 minutes ago, bene said:

Didn’t notice this at first. I’m sorry but this is a really lazy excuse and I’d take notice that he treats it very casually. People are not too tired to do things that excite them.

There’s a wise saying to never treat someone as a priority when they treat you as an option.

How would you treat this situation then? Assume that he's not that interested? Keep it more casual? Give up on him?

Just to update you, I told him that I wouldn't be free until next weekend and then he said that it was disappointing but understands. Wants to meet up if one of my evenings becomes free this week. He's always trying to meet me and is saying very positive things about how he feels about me. I'm just so confused!

Would updating my Tinder profile be a step too far? I was going to put up new photos to keep it fresh but if he's on it he might see the new photos and think it's all over and I'm looking elsewhere, but I'm just trying to keep options open in case this doesn't work out.

[bene]

1 minute ago, lovesfool said:

How would you treat this situation then? Assume that he's not that interested? Keep it more casual? Give up on him?

Maybe just observe how he proceeds. Don’t get too invested and don’t go to great lenghts to accommodate him. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

 I'm just trying to keep options open in case this doesn't work out.

Ok. That's fair enough because that's what he is doing as well. It's up to you how invested you wish to get in someone who warns you upfront about exes and STDs and who is still on dating apps.

Why not get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men without all these red flags?

[lovesfool]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. That's fair enough because that's what he is doing as well. It's up to you how invested you wish to get in someone who warns you upfront about exes and STDs and who is still on dating apps.

Why not get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men without all these red flags?

He didn't warn me about his ex. I just asked him when was his last relationship! 

I think someone telling someone that they're being safe and getting checked is a good thing, no? Would it have been better to not get checked? 

I feel like I have to accept that any man I date is dating others until we say we're exclusive. I don't like it, but it seems to be how the dating world is now. 

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I feel like I have to accept that any man I date is dating others until we say we're exclusive. I don't like it, but it seems to be how the dating world is now. 

It seems that in certain emotional cultures is how the "dating world" is and probably had been since long ago.

So much that the involved naturalize it as the way by default, the mature thing to do, the evolved attitude, the only reassonable one.

I don´t have any objection to that while there is no need to do it myself and neither be on board.

Not something I would negotiate with my potential dates, it´s not my cup of coffee.

Edited November 28, 2021 by Uruktopi

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I think I am going to treat this a lot more casually now. I've too much invested in this guy I've only met (because I saw so much potential in him). I am going to go back swiping on the apps and chatting to other guys. I'm not sure if I'll meet them for dates, but it would be good to have a distraction from him and not to have all my eggs in one basket.

Ugh, I would not recommend that given that you're hoping for this to work out. But I also think holding back on your degree of investment is prudent. The two things you need to find out:  a) if he's dating other people at the same time, b) if he's rebounding, which means still torn up over the ending of his recent relationship and dating as a means to avoid dealing with it. These two may go hand-in-hand.

My bias is that I don't believe in multi-dating if you're really interested in someone. I would never increase my investment if I knew someone is multi-dating (after a few dates), and I'd most likely quit altogether. My attraction would likely be increased if I knew they were not. This is how both of my long-term relationships began... we did not declare exclusivity early, but we were by preference on both sides. There was always openness as to what was going on if schedules did not align. If someone "has other plans" and chooses not to provide a simple explanation, it feels like obfuscation.

Since you've already asked about rebounding and he assured you that wasn't the case (not that he'd actually know or admit it), and you say he seems keen, I think it's time you get this app/multi-dating situation out in the open. One option is to simply ask, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that given that you've been dating a month and sex is likely before too long. In fact, you could ask about the STI that he brought up previously, and if he says he's good to go then ask directly if he has been seeing others. If he says yes, take a step back and reconsider. If he says no, ask if he's still active on the dating app (asking question that you already know the answer to is good practice). If you don't feel comfortable doing that yet, give it another month, during which you might want to be a bit less available. Another option, rather than you broaching the topic, would be to cool it somewhat and see if he asks what's going on, at which point you say, "you tell me." The bottom line is, you do have a right to know where you both are before taking it to the next level. 

Edited November 28, 2021 by salparadise

[Girl Fade Away]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I feel like I have to accept that any man I date is dating others until we say we're exclusive...

Maybe any man you date whose interest is lukewarm, but NOT a man with very high interest which is what you should want unless your interest is also lukewarm and you want casual. 

I invite you to read the threads and posts on this forum from men whose interest in a woman is very high.  They are NOT discussing dating other women they have NO interest in dating other women, exclusivity talk or not.  They mostly discuss what they can do to elevate HER interest to where theirs is.

Have you ever met a man and you both just clicked?  Felt that immediate chemistry and attraction?  None of this BS or you questioning things would be happening if that were the case.

This guy may like you but he is still shopping around and no this is not 'to he expected' until you discuss exclusivity that is such a cop out.  

Guy is not all that into you and doubtful he ever will be.  A male poster (Sun Seeker) posted earlier either on this thread or another that most.men know within 10 minutes of meeting a woman what category to place her in, casual or a woman to become serious with.  I have read and heard same and it has been true in my life as well. 

If she is the latter, no way he is going to be juggling or have women on rotation, breaking dates when tired, or behaving like this guy does. 

My personal motto is when I am so confused and questioning, that I have to create a thread, or read advice books or seek out info on the internet, something is VERY off and I next him.

This is not what a man who is truly into you with high interest and wants same things as you looks like. 

Unless you seek casual yourself, don't settle, you are worth more than that, don't you think?

Edited November 28, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[lovesfool]

2 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Ugh, I would not recommend that given that you're hoping for this to work out. But I also think holding back on your degree of investment is prudent. The two things you need to find out:  a) if he's dating other people at the same time, b) if he's rebounding, which means still torn up over the ending of his recent relationship and dating as a means to avoid dealing with it. These two may go hand-in-hand.

My bias is that I don't believe in multi-dating if you're really interested in someone. I would never increase my investment if I knew someone is multi-dating (after a few dates), and I'd most likely quit them altogether. My attraction would likely be increased if I knew they were not. This is how both of my long-term relationships began... we did not declare exclusivity early, but we were by preference on both sides. There was always openness as to what was going on if schedules did not align. If someone "has other plans" and chooses not to provide a simple explanation, it feels like obfuscation.

Since you've already asked about rebounding and he assured you that wasn't the case (not that he'd actually know or admit it), and you say he seems keen, I think it's time you get this app/multi-dating situation out in the open. One option is to simply ask, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that given that you've been dating a month and sex is likely before too long. In fact, you could ask about the STI that he brought up previously, and if he says he's good to go then ask directly if he has been seeing others. If he says yes, take a step back and reconsider. If he says no, ask if he's still active on the dating app (asking question that you already know the answer to is good practice). If you don't feel comfortable doing that yet, give it another month, during which you might want to be a bit less available. Another option, rather than you broaching the topic, would be to cool it somewhat and see if he asks what's going on, at which point you say, "you tell me." The bottom line is, you do have a right to know where you both are before taking it to the next level. 

It's hard not to be invested in this guy when there's only one guy! That's why I was going to back on the apps as messaging other guys might be a nice distraction, even if I don't plan on meeting them in the immediate future.

I think you make a good suggestion in the last paragraph. I figure once he's tested (or cleared up if they find something) he'll want to instigate something sexual. This all came up before as it was getting hot and heavy after one of our dates so it's inevitable he'll try it on again once all is okay. I'll ask him then if he's sleeping with anyone else, for my own health more than anything.

I've asked someone previously about whether they were on a dating app and they denied it, despite me knowing for sure they were. That was a battle of trust as I didn't want to let him go, even though I knew he was lying. I only worry he'll say he's not, thinking it would be the better answer to avoid disappointing me.

How do you figure going a bit cold will help? I do plan on holding back on texting now as I may have been getting to invested, but if I went a bit silent and he asks what's going on, I'm not sure what saying "you tell me" will do. I'd be confused as much as he'd be! Is it like asking him why do you think I've gone quiet?

[lovesfool]

5 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Maybe any man you date whose interest is lukewarm, but NOT a man with very high interest which is what you should want unless your interest is also lukewarm and you want casual. 

I invite you to read the threads and posts on this forum from men whose interest in a woman is very high.  They are NOT discussing dating other women they have NO interest in dating other women, exclusivity talk or not.  They mostly discuss what they can do to elevate HER interest to where theirs is.

Have you ever met a man and you both just clicked?  Felt that immediate chemistry and attraction?  None of this BS or you questioning things would be happening if that were the case.

This guy may like you but he is still shopping around and no this is not 'to he expected' until you discuss exclusivity that is such a cop out and poor excuse. 

Guy is not all that into you and doubtful he ever will be.  A male poster posted earlier either on this thread or another that most.men know within 10 minutes of meeting a woman what category to place her in, casual or a woman to become serious with.  I have read and heard same and it has been true in my life as well. 

If she is the latter, no way he is going to be juggling or have women on rotation, breaking dates when tired, or behaving like this guy does. 

My personal motto is when I am so confused and questioning, that I have to create a thread, or read advice books or seek out info on the internet, something is VERY off and I next him.

This is not what a man who is truly into you with high interest and wants same things as you looks like. 

Unless you seek casual yourself, don't settle, you are worth more than that, don't you think?

Is there no gray area? Can a guy not be into someone and also keep his options open?

I'm very interested to know what the general concensus is. If you're dating a guy and you find out he's still browsing a dating app but not exclsuive, do you instantly write him off? I know I've still been on dating apps in the past when dating guys when I'm not sure. Some of them turned out to be nice relationships, but I was glad not to write anyone off when I wasn't 100% sure at the start.

[salparadise]

3 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

How do you figure going a bit cold will help? I do plan on holding back on texting now as I may have been getting to invested, but if I went a bit silent and he asks what's going on, I'm not sure what saying "you tell me" will do. I'd be confused as much as he'd be! Is it like asking him why do you think I've gone quiet?

I'm not saying to go completely cold, just cool it somewhat- because you know you need to anyway until you figure things out, and because if he is keen you may be able to get him to broach the topic first. Knowing he's active on the dating app is reason enough to suspect that he might be seeing others, and if that's the case then you need to reassess. If you say, "you tell me" he may have things to say, or if he plays dumb you can just say you heard through the grapevine that he' active on the app and you need to know.

[Girl Fade Away]

It depends on what you want. There is nothing wrong with casual and dating others if that is what you both want. And from what you have posted, it all points to him dating others and his interest being lukewarm.  Just my take after experiencing men with high interest and men with lukewarm interest.

I never cared what the 'general consensus' was, well maybe in my 20s when unsure of myself and insecure.  Figure out what YOU want, stay true to yourself. 

Who the heck cares what others will tolerate? There is so much BS that goes on and most people will twist and turn, convince themselves they are OK with it, or it's to be expected or the norm, when the truth is they are NOT, all because they are afraid to stay true to themselves.  And they end up in mediocre relationships with people whose interest is also mediocre.  

Question:  Does dating this man make you feel good?  Happy?  Safe, secure?  I cannot imagine it does with all the questioning you are doing. 

It's up to you though.  Just my two cents, that's all. Good luck whatever you decide. 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[salparadise]

21 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

If you're dating a guy and you find out he's still browsing a dating app but not exclsuive, do you instantly write him off?

There is a huge difference between still being on a dating app (early stage) vs. actually dating and perhaps hooking up with others. Asking about the dating app is merely the entrée to finding out if he's sleeping around while trying to make you believe something is developing between you and he. If he tries to say there's nothing wrong with that since you're not exclusive, then at least you know where you stand and can make an informed decision as to whether you want to continue.

[salparadise]

Here's an example based on my experience with my previous relationship...  we met on the dating app and went on a couple of dates. We were getting on pretty well, and after about a month I noticed that she had deleted (or deactivated) her profile. The next time I saw her I just mentioned that I had noticed and she just smiled and nodded. I knew exactly what that meant so I said, "mine will be gone tomorrow." We didn't need to have an exclusivity talk, and in fact we never really did. We just were at that point. We had an understanding. Neither of us dated anyone else even before the apps were deleted. This is my ideal scenario. I know it's not quite that simple for every couple, but like I said before... I'm not going to increase my investment if getting to this point is like pulling teeth.

[lovesfool]

38 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I'm not saying to go completely cold, just cool it somewhat- because you know you need to anyway until you figure things out, and because if he is keen you may be able to get him to broach the topic first. Knowing he's active on the dating app is reason enough to suspect that he might be seeing others, and if that's the case then you need to reassess. If you say, "you tell me" he may have things to say, or if he plays dumb you can just say you heard through the grapevine that he' active on the app and you need to know.

Thanks. I've reactivated my own dating profiles, so I won't bring up his own dating profile in any accusatory way. At the same time I will cool it a bit with him, but not play any games. I think a part of the problem is that we got stuck in this never ending conversation over messages. I like to be able to say "goodnight" and finish the day's messages and then reengage when it's appropriate, but with him because he messages so slowly, there's never a good opportunity. I could send a message at 8pm and not hear back until the morning, and it would be odd to end the conversation then!

36 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

It depends on what you want. There is nothing wrong with casual and dating others if that is what you both want. And from what you have posted, it all points to him dating others and his interest being lukewarm.  Just my take after experiencing men with high interest and men with lukewarm interest.

I never cared what the 'general consensus' was, well maybe in my 20s when unsure of myself and insecure.  Figure out what YOU want, stay true to yourself. 

Who the heck cares what others will tolerate? There is so much BS that goes on and most people will twist and turn, convince themselves they are OK with it, or it's to be expected or the norm, when the truth is they are NOT, all because they are afraid to stay true to themselves.  And they end up in mediocre relationships with people whose interest is also mediocre.  

Question:  Does dating this man make you feel good?  Happy?  Safe, secure?  I cannot imagine it does with all the questioning you are doing. 

It's up to you though.  Just my two cents, that's all. Good luck whatever you decide. 

To answer your question,  I was happy, safe and secure until he was honest with his STI test! I think if I asked him openly about anything he would be honest with me, so that's a good trait in the long run. I just may not like hearing what he has to say, even though I know it's a reality.

24 minutes ago, salparadise said:

There is a huge difference between still being on a dating app (early stage) vs. actually dating and perhaps hooking up with others. Asking about the dating app is merely the entrée to finding out if he's sleeping around while trying to make you believe something is developing between you and he. If he tries to say there's nothing wrong with that since you're not exclusive, then at least you know where you stand and can make an informed decision as to whether you want to continue.

That's true. Ultimately it is a personal decision whether I am happy with him dating others or not. I wouldn't like to throw away something good for no good reason. I just need to be sure that I'm comfortable with it.

13 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Here's an example based on my experience with my previous relationship...  we met on the dating app and went on a couple of dates. We were getting on pretty well, and after about a month I noticed that she had deleted (or deactivated) her profile. The next time I saw her I just mentioned that I had noticed and she just smiled and nodded. I knew exactly what that meant so I said, "mine will be gone tomorrow." We didn't need to have an exclusivity talk, and in fact we never really did. We just were at that point. We had an understanding. Neither of us dated anyone else even before the apps were deleted. This is my ideal scenario. I know it's not quite that simple for every couple, but like I said before... I'm not going to increase my investment if getting to this point is like pulling teeth.

That's quite nice actually. Reading that has just made me think of something I could do. Maybe jokingly message him on the dating app saying something silly "hey handsome, are you looking for a hook-up?". At least then it breaks the ice, it's not as serious and then it's out in the open. What do you think?

[salparadise]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Maybe jokingly message him on the dating app saying something silly "hey handsome, are you looking for a hook-up?". At least then it breaks the ice, it's not as serious and then it's out in the open. What do you think?

Perhaps. But then you'll need to turn it around because you being on the app, and the flippant attitude about a hook-up could make it sound like you're fine with the ambiguity... when you're actually trying to take it in the other direction. As uncomfortable as it may be, you may have to be assertive and ask what you need to know. If he just replies, "yea, baby," then you're right back where you started, except he's seen you on the app (neutralizing any objections) and you have no add'l information as to what he's doing.

To reiterate what I said before... if a trusting, exclusive relationship is what you want, the goal should be to get both off. At only a month into this I do think it's early to push to declare it a relationship; two months would be better. But all you really want is to know where you stand with him, and his STI status, before you get naked and to manage your investment. I wonder too, if he's grooming you as the next girlfriend while trying to see how many notches he can acquire in the meantime. So I think it's going to be better if you simply communicate in an assertive but non-accusatory manner.

Edited November 28, 2021 by salparadise

[bene]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Maybe jokingly message him on the dating app saying something silly "hey handsome, are you looking for a hook-up?"

I would not because it can be taken literally as if you are putting yourself in the hookup category. This type of humor is a bit risky with someone you don’t know that well.

[Lotsgoingon]

22 hours ago, lovesfool said:

 

So after this there were a couple of dates that he had to postpone with some odd excuses. One day he said he was too tired and wanted to do it the next day, which we did. The next time he asked me to call over to watch this live reality TV show with him, but then within the hour told me that he forgot that he had agreed to watch it with a friend so cancelled. He then tried to arrange something else for the next day.

 

These sentences of your own writing are where I got the idea that he had forgot about dates. 

And then in your denial that he forgot dates, you write: 

Firstly I have to defend him in one situation - he never forgot a date. Don't know where that came from in the replies! He said he was too tired on one occasion and on the other he suggested a date and then retracted it an hour later because he forgot he had other plans.

Your biggest red flag is your words "odd excuses." We do not get a bigger or louder red flag than that. Ignore that red flag and you might as well randomly trust anyone on the street with your wallet. 

On rebound, you cannot ask a guy whether he's in rebound. People do NOT think they're rebound. Rebound is a genuine high--it's just not lasting. It's like hormonal--you genuinely feel strongly that you are into this new person. You're not walking around saying, "I'm in rebound." Come on now. And if the guy wants to say, sleep with you or just hang out, and he is aware that he might in rebound, he'll likely just deny it.  What does he gain by telling you he might be in rebound?  You cannot take such a denial seriously. 

Dating is about using the clues in front of us and being willing to think realistically. People all the time may treat us like dirt and if we asked them, they will deny it and say they like us. What to do? You don't rely on lame words. 

 

 

 

[lovesfool]

25 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Perhaps. But then you'll need to turn it around because you being on the app, and the flippant attitude about a hook-up could make it sound like you're fine with the ambiguity... when you're actually trying to take it in the other direction. As uncomfortable as it may be, you may have to be assertive and ask what you need to know. If he just replies, "yea, baby," then you're right back where you started, except he's seen you on the app (neutralizing any objections) and you have no add'l information as to what he's doing.

To reiterate what I said before... if a trusting, exclusive relationship is what you want, the goal should be to get both off. At only a month into this I do think it's early to push to declare it a relationship; two months would be better. But all you really want is to know where you stand with him, and his STI status, before you get naked and to manage your investment. I wonder too, if he's grooming you as the next girlfriend while trying to see how many notches he can acquire in the meantime. So I think it's going to be better if you simply communicate in an assertive but non-accusatory manner.

Yeah maybe it's a bad idea! At some stage it might come up and I'll say that I saw him on the apps and I've deleted my account, in better phrasing of course.

12 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

These sentences of your own writing are where I got the idea that he had forgot about dates. 

And then in your denial that he forgot dates, you write: 

Firstly I have to defend him in one situation - he never forgot a date. Don't know where that came from in the replies! He said he was too tired on one occasion and on the other he suggested a date and then retracted it an hour later because he forgot he had other plans.

Your biggest red flag is your words "odd excuses." We do not get a bigger or louder red flag than that. Ignore that red flag and you might as well randomly trust anyone on the street with your wallet. 

On rebound, you cannot ask a guy whether he's in rebound. People do NOT think they're rebound. Rebound is a genuine high--it's just not lasting. It's like hormonal--you genuinely feel strongly that you are into this new person. You're not walking around saying, "I'm in rebound." Come on now. And if the guy wants to say, sleep with you or just hang out, and he is aware that he might in rebound, he'll likely just deny it.  What does he gain by telling you he might be in rebound?  You cannot take such a denial seriously. 

Dating is about using the clues in front of us and being willing to think realistically. People all the time may treat us like dirt and if we asked them, they will deny it and say they like us. What to do? You don't rely on lame words. 

 

 

 

I'm not sure what you're saying at the start of that post. He didn't forget about our date, he forgot he had plans with a friend! It's probably true as he said it very shortly after he invited me on the date and he is ALWAYS meeting up with his friends, as verified by his regular social media posts!

It probably was foolish of me to ask him if he's ready for dating. He clearly wouldn't know himself. I think the only way to deal with it is to take it slowly and keep it casual for now. Be somewhat guarded, but open to something serious if it presents itself.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Taking it slow is great. 

[seapebbles]

12 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I think I am going to treat this a lot more casually now. I've too much invested in this guy I've only met (because I saw so much potential in him). I am going to go back swiping on the apps and chatting to other guys. I'm not sure if I'll meet them for dates, but it would be good to have a distraction from him and not to have all my eggs in one basket.

I think this is a good attitude to have at this point. Continue talking with different people even if you don't feel compelled to go out on dates. Fill your free time with hobbies and friends. He can say that you are not a rebound or that he's ready for a relationship and mean it at the time, but just be careful since he is fresh out of a long-term relationship. Try not to get too excited yet over the potential of this one guy you barely know. 

In my opinion, asking for exclusivity after 4 dates is too much unless you're talking about starting a sexual relationship. When I was dating and things got serious I would tell the man that I don't sleep with more than one person at a time and I expect the same from my partner. It's my boundary for my physical and emotional health.

I find it odd and wonder what his motivations were to tell you he could have contracted an STD from a girl he hooked up with recently. Again, be careful because some STDs don't show up positive in early stages, and hope that it's a curable one. 

 

[Girl Fade Away]

10 minutes ago, seapebbles said:

I find it odd and wonder what his motivations were to tell you he could have contracted an STD from a girl he hooked up with recently..

I find it odd as well, there was no reason to mention this since you have not had sex. And it presumably happened before you even met.  

But continue to twist and turn, maybe you will find the winning formula, maybe not. 

Good luck.

[salparadise]

23 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I find it odd as well, there was no reason to mention this since you have not had sex. And it presumably happened before you even met.  

I agree. My best guess is that he's not as worldly as he would have you believe, and this was his way of informing you that at least one little hottie with ____________ (fill in your favorite STI) was willing to have sex with him. A guy who's been around the block more than once and has options would not have uttered a word. Oversharing much? In this situation I am the opposite of impressed by his honesty.

I'm wondering what happened with his previous relationship. If he got dumped hard and had no say in the matter it could very well trigger insecurities that would make him feel the need to boost his studliness factor in his own and everyone else's mind. It would also mean he's unlikely to be ready for a new R. I know for a fact that one or two months is nothing when it comes to recovering from a serious relationship of a year and a half ending in a bad way. The odds are probably 98 percent that he's reeling from it.

Edited November 29, 2021 by salparadise

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, seapebbles said:

I think this is a good attitude to have at this point. Continue talking with different people even if you don't feel compelled to go out on dates. Fill your free time with hobbies and friends. He can say that you are not a rebound or that he's ready for a relationship and mean it at the time, but just be careful since he is fresh out of a long-term relationship. Try not to get too excited yet over the potential of this one guy you barely know. 

In my opinion, asking for exclusivity after 4 dates is too much unless you're talking about starting a sexual relationship. When I was dating and things got serious I would tell the man that I don't sleep with more than one person at a time and I expect the same from my partner. It's my boundary for my physical and emotional health.

I find it odd and wonder what his motivations were to tell you he could have contracted an STD from a girl he hooked up with recently. Again, be careful because some STDs don't show up positive in early stages, and hope that it's a curable one. 

 

Agree.

You can communicate with other men without feeling pressured to go out on dates, instead filling your time with other activities.

While some people are fine with it, getting intimate with multiple people at the same time poses numerous physical and emotional hazards.

This is especially true for women.

If you can't separate sex from feelings, imagine how you'd feel if you decided to sleep with him just to find out he's sleeping with other women.

So, I think you should ask yourself, "What is so great about this individual in particular and your time together that it is worth the gamble?"

If you find him physically appealing enough to have sex with, chances are others will as well.

As a corollary, if he enjoys sex and is able to have it with a variety of women, he will not seek a monogamous relationship if he does not expressly desire one.

So take your time getting to know him, which includes talking a lot, both in person and over the phone.

Also, don't be scared to ask probing questions when and if that time comes.

And to piggyback off of Lotsgoingon, go slow.

Edited November 29, 2021 by Alpaca