How to deal with dating someone until you're exclusive?

[lovesfool]

I'm dating a guy at the moment. Been on 4 dates so far, but have been chatting for about 4 weeks so far. It's been the best few dates I've been on in some years I have to say. I just seem to click with him, he's funny and attractive. Ticks all the boxes!

A bit of background on me is that I've been single for most my life, in my mid-thirties and can be picky when it comes to men. And I'm an overthinker! I think largely because I don't like that many men and that when I find one that I like, I'm always wondering what he's really thinking.

Some background on him is that he's only recently out of a 1.5 year relationship which ended amicably, but he said that he really wasn't himself with her. He told me I was the first date he's been on since his breakup, a little over a month since they split. After our 3rd date he opened up and told me that he's never felt so comfortable around someone than he does with me. And he has since said a few times that he really likes me (he said this enthusiastically and made me really happy) and would like to see where things go.

So the overthinking first came when he said he was just out of a relationship. I thought he might not be ready and that he might want to enjoy himself until he's ready to seriously date. I said pretty much the exact same thing to him, but he said that he thought about it too, but that he's enjoying his time with me and wouldn't want to stop dating me because he thinks I'm really special (his words, not mine!).

The next problem came when he told me that a girl he hooked up with after his breakup told him to get checked for an STI! He admitted this to me well before I intended on having sex with him (which we haven't yet) and he really didn't have to be so honest with me. He could have easily played it off, got tested, treated and then all would have been fine without me knowing. I thought that was a nice trait he had, but never nice knowing he hooked up with women before being back on the dating scene.

So after this there were a couple of dates that he had to postpone with some odd excuses. One day he said he was too tired and wanted to do it the next day, which we did. The next time he asked me to call over to watch this live reality TV show with him, but then within the hour told me that he forgot that he had agreed to watch it with a friend so cancelled. He then tried to arrange something else for the next day.

I was chatting to my friend today about it and showed her a picture of him. She said that she saw him still active on the dating apps (in my country there's an app which shows when someone is online so I know he was active). Those postponements could have been some random hook-ups or could have been genuine reasons as he instantly wanted to reschedule and followed through.

So that's the backstory and this is where I'm at. I think it's accepted that you're free to do what you want until you're exclusive, but I think it's way too soon to ask for exclusivity now after 4 dates. At the same time, it's not nice actually knowing he's still active on the apps, possibly hooking up with other girls, even though he's entitled to. Ignorance is bliss sometimes.

So what do you do in that period between where you like a guy and want it to go somewhere, but before you're at the point of being exclusive? Do you just accept that he may be having sex with other women (and being safe by getting checked) because you're not exclusive? Do you ask him upfront if he's seeing other women or on dating apps? It feels like a grey area and I could easily say the wrong thing and scare him off.

Sorry for the longwinded post. Any advice is appreciated!

[Killian898]

Guy here. Personally if I’d just split up from a LTR a couple of months ago I wouldn’t want to be getting too serious again too soon.

I would also be very careful about your own needs and welfare. There’s a good chance that he’s on the rebound. Absolutely continue to see him and enjoy your time with him, but guard your heart and don’t fall too deep too soon. If he’s on dating apps and you are not officially exclusive then you should assume that he’s seeing other women, or he is at least open to seeing other women, even if he actually isn’t.

If you still enjoy seeing him I would just let it progress naturally for the next couple of months. Just enjoy the time together and keep it light hearted and dont think anything beyond that. Once you are three months in and having sex together regularly and it’s all going well then I would broach the topic with him and just tell him flat out how you feel and that if he wants to continue seeing you then you’ve got to be the one and only. Good luck!

Edited November 27, 2021 by Killian898

[lovesfool]

Thanks for the open and honest advice.

Just a follow up question. How would you feel about a girl telling you that she only sees one person at a time? Is that too intense and implying exclusivity? I thought I would say it to show I'm serious and hope he would see it the same way.

It's hard to get out of my mind that he might be having sex with a girl one night and then me another (but not yet)!

[Killian898]

Well by saying this you are effectively telling him that you are treating it as exclusive even though you haven’t had ‘the talk’ yet. That means that you are clearly treating this seriously. But the problem is that he may not be, yet.
 

Personally if I were you I wouldn’t say this to him. You don’t want to let him know that he has won you over that easily! I’d also make sure that he does at least half of the initiating contact and the making of plans to meet up too. If you are all over him and texting all the time and pressing him when to meet again etc, there will be no thrill of the chase for him and like I say his head may not be in that space yet because maybe he just wants something casual for a while given that he’s just out of a relationship. I know it’s difficult to hang back when you are really attracted to someone and have a connection, but it’s best to adopt a longer term viewpoint on this as you don’t want to smother him and turn him off.
 

My advice would likely be different if he had been single for 6 months or more, but he hasn’t been and that’s why I think you need to tread with caution.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

It does not have to be about implied exclusivity.

You may decide not to participate in sexual activity with others because you no longer have a desire to do so after dating the same person for a while.

And, if you don't want to have sex with someone who is having sex with others, that is a completely valid choice.

Edited November 27, 2021 by Alpaca

[lovesfool]

24 minutes ago, Killian898 said:

Well by saying this you are effectively telling him that you are treating it as exclusive even though you haven’t had ‘the talk’ yet. That means that you are clearly treating this seriously. But the problem is that he may not be, yet.
 

Personally if I were you I wouldn’t say this to him. You don’t want to let him know that he has won you over that easily! I’d also make sure that he does at least half of the initiating contact and the making of plans to meet up too. If you are all over him and texting all the time and pressing him when to meet again etc, there will be no thrill of the chase for him and like I say his head may not be in that space yet because maybe he just wants something casual for a while given that he’s just out of a relationship. I know it’s difficult to hang back when you are really attracted to someone and have a connection, but it’s best to adopt a longer term viewpoint on this as you don’t want to smother him and turn him off.
 

My advice would likely be different if he had been single for 6 months or more, but he hasn’t been and that’s why I think you need to tread with caution.

 

 

He seems to be doing a lot of the chasing already, even if he has flaked on a couple of the dates. He always makes up for it. Out of the two of us, he is the more keen one I would say. Maybe I should just keep things casual for another few dates and see where things go, even knowing he might be seeing other girls at the same time. He's not great at texting so I've tried to match his texting style and keep it a few hours between messages, just not to seem too eager.

I would suspect that he will want to initiate some kind of sexual advance soon, especially as there have been brief suggestions of it already!

23 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

It does not have to be about implied exclusivity.

You may decide not to participate in sexual activity with others because you no longer have a desire to do so after dating the same person for a while.

And, if you don't want to have sex with someone who is having sex with others, that is a completely valid choice.

I totally understand that. But I guess if I said I was not going to see anyone else, he might think differently about the situation, that's all.

[Ami1uwant]

45 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Thanks for the open and honest advice.

Just a follow up question. How would you feel about a girl telling you that she only sees one person at a time? Is that too intense and implying exclusivity? I thought I would say it to show I'm serious and hope he would see it the same way.

It's hard to get out of my mind that he might be having sex with a girl one night and then me another (but not yet)!

That might be a turn off to him.

 

to him this is casual dating which means you date more than one person at a time.

[Girl Fade Away]

I think dating 'one at a time' and 'multi-dating' are simply two different styles of dating.  One at a time does not mean you have been "won over" it only means you prefer to focus on one at a time to see where it will lead, if anywhere.  May last a week, a month, a year or forever.  It is too early to know. 

 It does not mean exclusivity in the same way it means when a couple decides together to become exclusive as the next step in their blossoming relationship.

I have always told men my dating style when I meet them.  I dislike multidating personally.  No man has ever been turned off by it, to the contrary they rather liked it and respected it.

No man that I know relishes the idea of a woman he is dating and likes a lot traipsing around with other men while dating him..  So it is up to you OP whether to reveal this or not.  

Other than that I agree with @Killian898, keep it light and fun and when you are ready to become sexual, re-evaluate where you both are before sex happens and discuss becoming exclusive at least sexually at that time.

Edited November 27, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I totally understand that. But I guess if I said I was not going to see anyone else, he might think differently about the situation, that's all.

Well, I think it's a totally fair point to address. You just want to get a feel for whether or not your present dating style aligns.

Edited November 27, 2021 by Alpaca

[Girl Fade Away]

5 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Well, I think it's a totally fair point to address. You just want to get a feel for whether or not your present dating style aligns.

This was always my thinking as well.  Works out better when you both have the same dating styles and on the same page. 

[chillii]

 

l'd never waste my time on someone seeing other people at the same time to hell with that. And it's not very common here anyway, people tended to wait and focus on somebody worthwhile, the sort of person l'd go for would that's for sure.

Edited November 27, 2021 by chillii

[Girl Fade Away]

4 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

l'd never waste my time on someone seeing other people at the same time to hell with that. And it's not very common here anyway, people tended to wait and focus on somebody worthwhile, the sort of person l'd go for would that's for sure.

Yeh forgot to add that (emboldened).  One at a time does not mean dating any ole person for the hell of it, but when you meet someone worthwhile you focus on each other again to see where it will lead. 

[Killian898]

28 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

l'd never waste my time on someone seeing other people at the same time to hell with that. And it's not very common here anyway, people tended to wait and focus on somebody worthwhile, the sort of person l'd go for would that's for sure.

Yes, but surely you can’t expect someone to drop all of their other options just after just one date?!

If you accept in principle that this is not unreasonable, then the question then becomes: well after how many dates in or how much time needs to have passed before it’s unacceptable to you that the other person is not seeing you exclusively? For some people it’s after a couple of dates, for some it’s after you first have sex, for some it’s after a few months etc. Everyone is different. 
 

I’ve been in situations before where I’ve been casually dating and seeing multiple other people, some of whom I really liked and thought may have longer term prospects, but they were all going at a different pace, only to then find someone and which moved quickly, have a few dates, then cut off from seeing other people, and only then to have that newly exclusive relationship fall flat on its face a couple of months later. Then I’m left high and dry and having to start from scratch and also kicking myself for ditching / cutting off some perfectly good people whose company I enjoyed and which may have gone somewhere also. After doing this a couple of times over the years I’m far more wary of making a call on exclusivity early. Particularly as people can be fickle and life and romance can be complicated. And if this approach sounds like I’m just hedging my bets, well that because that’s exactly what I’m doing!

Edited November 27, 2021 by Killian898

[Girl Fade Away]

I think it's very difficult to explain dating 'one at a time' to a multi-dater because it is a completely different mindset.  To the multi-dater it is all about maintaining several options, always dating 'someone,' never being left 'high and dry" and god forbid alone.  Juggling, having backups, always having someone to date and maintaining options. 

Speaking personally, I don't always have to be dating someone.   I have no problem dating no one at all and have done this for weeks or months when I have not met someone I thought was special and worthwhile and vice versa.  I have turned down a lot dates for this reason.  Just not feeling it. 

I did OLD for a brief time and did not like but rather I prefer to meet men IRL and I DO meet a lot of men.  However, it is very rare when I meet a man and we both just click.  Immediately.  Immediate attraction, it is obvious and we both feel it. 

From there we begin dating.  Each other.  To see where it will lead, if anywhere.  Our frame is such we have no desire to date anyone else, the attraction is that strong from the beginning. 

Again as I said before, it does NOT mean either of us has been "won over," hardly.  That takes time OR it may not happen at all at which point we stop dating.  A week, a month or it may last years.  It is still early stages so it is all up in the air.  But we focus only on each other in order to find out. 

THAT is dating 'one at a time.'  Quality versus quantity.  Again, difficult for a multi-dater to understand because they are in a completely different frame. 

Nether is better than the other, just different.  Different styles depending on the person's nature. 

 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Fox Sake]

4 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I think it's very difficult to explain dating 'one at a time' to a multi-dater because it is a completely different mindset.  To the multi-dater it is all about maintaining several options, always dating 'someone,' never being left 'high and dry" and god forbid alone.  Juggling, having backups, always having someone to date and maintaining options. 

Speaking personally, I don't always have to be dating someone.   I have no problem dating no one at all and have done this for weeks or months when I have not met someone I thought was special and worthwhile and vice versa. 

I did OLD for a brief time and did not like but rather I prefer to meet men IRL and I DO meet a lot of men.  However, it is very rare when I meet a man and we both just click.  Immediately.  Immediate attraction, it is obvious and we both feel it. 

From there we begin dating.  Each other.  To see where it will lead, if anywhere.  Our frame is such we have no desire to date anyone else, the attraction is that strong from the beginning. 

Again as I said before, it does NOT mean either of us have been "won over," hardly.   That takes time OR it may not happen at all at which point we stop dating.  A week, a month or it may last years.  It is still early stages so it is all up in the air.  But we focus only on each other in order to find out. 

THAT is dating 'one at a time.'  Quality versus quantity.  Again, difficult for a multi-dater to understand because they are in a completely different frame. 

Nether is better than the other, just different.  Different styles depending on the person's nature. 

 

 

I think styles are adaptable and depend on feeling and not so much nature.

I think it also depends how much time someone has had truly alone and been happy with themselves , otherwise neither dating method works well. 
Welll for me personally anyways that’s been my experience!   

If I’m multi dating then I haven’t really found anyone of captivating value yet, and it’s just what it is (in its most raw form)-  Something that feeds your personal feeling of value. That’s pretty much why people match on tinder and don’t speak. Not everyone is probably able to be that honest with themselves tho.  

As you said about “having options” is totally correct. I find if I’ve had options and I haven’t put all my eggs into one basket, it makes distancing emotionally and keeping your cool a lot easier. It’s easier to keep options open when you have options. On the flip side -   It’s also harder to actually connect with just one person and is almost an unfair process for allowing a proper romantic connection. 
 

Current situation as you know ,  I’m dating one person and I’m quite happy with it. I’ve non desire to seek anyone else, but that rare chemistry was there to offer opportunity, so it wasn’t difficulT not to want to multi date.    

Can be a challenge dealing with anxiety at times in the early stages , before everything has got to an official stage / been won over. Especially as she has exams in 2 weeks for uni.
But that’s part of the fun, especially when I can take the opportunity to grow and learn or practice past lessons from past experience, no matter what the outcome.  Things always work out in the end one way or another.  We fall, we get up and keep going. 
I know this isn’t how everyone thinks tho and probably isn’t interested, I’m just discussing with you in depth because I don’t think everyone can be categorised into single dater/multi dater!  

 

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that emotional pain and making mistakes has taught me the most in my life out of anything. I encourage everyone to get hurt and make mistakes at some point  

that goes for the OP too. @lovesfool this guy has been 1 month out of a relationship … distance yourself! Ever remember the last time you were in HIS shoes? I doubt you were ready to settle down again that soon out of a relationship …it takes time to get your own identity back again  

 

 

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

that goes for the OP too. @lovesfool this guy has been 1 month out of a relationship … distance yourself! Ever remember the last time you were in HIS shoes? I doubt you were ready to settle down again that soon out of a relationship …it takes time to get your own identity back again  

I missed that part.

He's one month out of a relationship OP?  Yes, that makes a big difference!

Edited November 28, 2021 by Alpaca

[Girl Fade Away]

Again speaking only for myself @Fox Sake I always have options, even when I choose to date no one.  I just don't exercise those options because I am not 'attracted to' a man in the ways I need to be to date him.  Beyond looks, status etc.  But those options are always there.  

I do not date for validation, my validation is internal.  Nor do I feel anxious much of the time because it's always clear when chemistry is mutial and our connection is genuine.  I can just feel it, it is hard to explain..  But I trust it which makes all the difference.

But that is me, everyone dates differently and has different standards, those are mine.

One thing to my detriment, well not really detriment because I have learned to embrace all connections even when they do not work out in the end, is once I develop a true and genuine connection which again is rare, it never truly goes away. 

Even when in another relationship, that prior connection will remain on some level.  I don't act on it because I respect my new relationship but it's still there.  Never fleeting. 

I do not need to date a bunch of different people simultaneously to determine who is the best or whatever, that is not my style at all.  I have dated enough men to know when a man is special and worthwhile immediately upon meeting him or soon thereafter. 

If not, I date no one and on my own which I also value and cherish. 

Again just me, we are all different. 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[spiderowl]

I think tread carefully, OP.  He is just out of a relationship so that is a red flag. I don't think you can assume he is sexually exclusive with you, unless you insist on that.  You have every right to protect your own health.  If he wants to have sex with other women while seeing you, maybe he's not the one for you?

In any relationship, you are risking your heart.  Try not to get too involved until things are clearer between you.

A guy who is really interested in you as a person will stick with you for a long time, even if you do not have sex with him.  You can afford to wait a while for that, if you want to, to see where you stand.

Edited November 28, 2021 by spiderowl

[Girl Fade Away]

@lovesfoolthis was mentioned or alluded to earlier by another poster but please don't try adopting his dating style (for example multi-dating IF he is in fact multi-dating) just because you are really into him and do not want to lose him.  Figure out YOUR style and stay true to it.  Stay true to yourself.  And find a man who matches your style. 

If you have read my posts I do not multi-date and explained why.  I have rejected a few men I was quite smitten with initially  because they were into multi-dating and in fact dating several women while dating me.   I did not judge them, that was their style which was fine but it was not mine and therefore it was not going to work.  We were on completely different wavelengths, even if the attraction was there. 

I think that is a mistake many people make, not being true to their own nature, their own style and to themselves.  They then become anxious, insecure, questioning if the person even likes them! 

There is no wrong or right but it is always best to date someone who matches our style not twist yourself into a person you are not in order o keep dating them. 

 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Lotsgoingon]

The issue is NOT exclusivity. The issue is there are at least three serious red flags here. 

Red flag #1:  A month out of a 1.5-year relationship, there is an 80 to 90 percent chance that he's in rebound. He has not had time to clear his ex out of his system. And he is just avoiding his grief (which can happen if you were dumped or if you dumped the other person) by pushing it down and getting involved with someone new. 

 Rebound is the false temporary high you get in getting interested in someone new too soon.I'm sure you're wonderful, but when you're with someone likely in rebound, you don't really exist as an individual for them. You are a hormonal distraction. And those hormones will cool down in not long. You cannot trust the excitement you feel from the other person. 

You are in the danger zone in another way. Lots of couples, including those that go on to good marriages, may have one or even two month-long breakups. Later on these couples don’t even see these periods as breakups. They seem them as crisis points that they worked through. You are not outside the reconciliation danger zone--I don't care what he says. 

Red flag #2: Canceling and postponing and forgetting dates. You say he postponed several times with "odd excluses." This is the most alarming red flag. No guy really interested in someone forgets about an upcoming date. Anthropologists have studied guys’ memorieis about upcoming dates going back 100,000 years of modern human history. They’ve found no recorded or rumored instance of a guy forgetting about a date with a woman they like. Absent Alzheimer’s or traumatic brain injury or a brain tumor or a bizarre case of amnesia, forgetting about an upcoming date with a woman you like--just does not happen. OK, maybe one exception is a guy owns a business and that business has a full-scale crisis from start to finish--sure, that guy might forget to call during the day.  But even a business owner in crisis would remember and think to himself that he wants to call you--he just might just get caught up in a crisis and not find a moment to do so. This would not be an "odd excuse."

And now to the real truth: I was wrong before. Anthropologists have indeed found instances of guys forgetting about upcoming dates---when these guys are going out with so many different women on multiple days of the week such that they can’t keep up with who they promised to meet on what night. That’s why him making up a “forget” doesn’t count. Just means he’s squeezing you in … as soon as possible … between all the other dates he’s having.

Red flag #3: The announced STI.  I'm not sure why you think it's honorable for him to tell you. I would say he should have gotten treated and made sure he's no longer contagious (to the extent that's possible) and his STI is none of your business at the moment. Maybe later it could be your business and it would be honorable then. But three or four dates in it's bizarre that he is talking about this. And this is the kind of info you do NOT want to assume is positive--oh, he's being honest. I would not assume that. And you might want to look critically at his sex habits, especially given that you are apparently not like him and that's why you're raising the nonsensical issue of exclusivity.

Now to answer your question directly. There is no issue in the period when two people start dating and before they get exclusive. Because usually both people just voluntarily focus on the other because both are so thrilled about meeting the other. And those people do NOT ever ever “forget” about a date.

[chillii]

6 hours ago, Killian898 said:

Yes, but surely you can’t expect someone to drop all of their other options just after just one date?!

If you accept in principle that this is not unreasonable, then the question then becomes: well after how many dates in or how much time needs to have passed before it’s unacceptable to you that the other person is not seeing you exclusively? For some people it’s after a couple of dates, for some it’s after you first have sex, for some it’s after a few months etc. Everyone is different. 
 

I’ve been in situations before where I’ve been casually dating and seeing multiple other people, some of whom I really liked and thought may have longer term prospects, but they were all going at a different pace, only to then find someone and which moved quickly, have a few dates, then cut off from seeing other people, and only then to have that newly exclusive relationship fall flat on its face a couple of months later. Then I’m left high and dry and having to start from scratch and also kicking myself for ditching / cutting off some perfectly good people whose company I enjoyed and which may have gone somewhere also. After doing this a couple of times over the years I’m far more wary of making a call on exclusivity early. Particularly as people can be fickle and life and romance can be complicated. And if this approach sounds like I’m just hedging my bets, well that because that’s exactly what I’m doing!

You bet l would , and she'd expect and feel the same.Those so called options are just fluff no one special someone special is too rare to find. Believe me , you know when she is special, or he.

Anyway, ea to their own.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The issue is NOT exclusivity. The issue is there are at least three serious red flags here. 

Red flag #1:  A month out of a 1.5-year relationship, there is an 80 to 90 percent chance that he's in rebound. He has not had time to clear his ex out of his system. And he is just avoiding his grief (which can happen if you were dumped or if you dumped the other person) by pushing it down and getting involved with someone new. 

 Rebound is the false temporary high you get in getting interested in someone new too soon.I'm sure you're wonderful, but when you're with someone likely in rebound, you don't really exist as an individual for them. You are a hormonal distraction. And those hormones will cool down in not long. You cannot trust the excitement you feel from the other person. 

You are in the danger zone in another way. Lots of couples, including those that go on to good marriages, may have one or even two month-long breakups. Later on these couples don’t even see these periods as breakups. They seem them as crisis points that they worked through. You are not outside the reconciliation danger zone--I don't care what he says. 

Red flag #2: Canceling and postponing and forgetting dates. You say he postponed several times with "odd excluses." This is the most alarming red flag. No guy really interested in someone forgets about an upcoming date. Anthropologists have studied guys’ memorieis about upcoming dates going back 100,000 years of modern human history. They’ve found no recorded or rumored instance of a guy forgetting about a date with a woman they like. Absent Alzheimer’s or traumatic brain injury or a brain tumor or a bizarre case of amnesia, forgetting about an upcoming date with a woman you like--just does not happen. OK, maybe one exception is a guy owns a business and that business has a full-scale crisis from start to finish--sure, that guy might forget to call during the day.  But even a business owner in crisis would remember and think to himself that he wants to call you--he just might just get caught up in a crisis and not find a moment to do so. This would not be an "odd excuse."

And now to the real truth: I was wrong before. Anthropologists have indeed found instances of guys forgetting about upcoming dates---when these guys are going out with so many different women on multiple days of the week such that they can’t keep up with who they promised to meet on what night. That’s why him making up a “forget” doesn’t count. Just means he’s squeezing you in … as soon as possible … between all the other dates he’s having.

Red flag #3: The announced STI.  I'm not sure why you think it's honorable for him to tell you. I would say he should have gotten treated and made sure he's no longer contagious (to the extent that's possible) and his STI is none of your business at the moment. Maybe later it could be your business and it would be honorable then. But three or four dates in it's bizarre that he is talking about this. And this is the kind of info you do NOT want to assume is positive--oh, he's being honest. I would not assume that. And you might want to look critically at his sex habits, especially given that you are apparently not like him and that's why you're raising the nonsensical issue of exclusivity.

Now to answer your question directly. There is no issue in the period when two people start dating and before they get exclusive. Because usually both people just voluntarily focus on the other because both are so thrilled about meeting the other. And those people do NOT ever ever “forget” about a date.

This is the most logical explanation.

OP I would not even consider discussing or desiring exclusivity with this man, let alone engaging in sexual activity with him.

Of course, it's your decision, but he's clearly on the rebound, and the fact that he's canceling, postponing, or forgetting dates suggests that he's involved with other women.

When most people end a long-term relationship, the last thing they want to do is enter into another serious relationship.

Edited November 28, 2021 by Alpaca

[Uruktopi]

11 hours ago, Killian898 said:

Yes, but surely you can’t expect someone to drop all of their other options just after just one date?!

I don´t expect someone to drop their options in one date, a dozen, a year or a life.

But I would not be one of their multiple options,  not once. And for no one at all.

Being the case I only date whom choose same view by their own.

And if there is no one in such set, so be it. 

[lovesfool]

There's a lot to take in these replies so apologies if I don't address them all.

Firstly I have to defend him in one situation - he never forgot a date. Don't know where that came from in the replies! He said he was too tired on one occasion and on the other he suggested a date and then retracted it an hour later because he forgot he had other plans.

Yesterday he offered to meet me on a date today, but I said I was busy so he wanted to reschedule for next week. Later on that day I told him my evening came free and could then meet him, but suddenly he had a lot on and couldn't meet. I'm not sure what to think about that. I mean I did tell him I was busy so he's entitled to make plans, but his plans were just meeting friends who he sees every week so not sure how important they are. Should I expect him to try and rearrange things to make dates happen? He tried to rearrange the date for tomorrow, but I feel like he's dictating when we can meet now so I've tried to play it cool and say "maybe" we can meet next weekend because I'm busy with work this week. Not entirely a lie, but I probably could squeeze in some time with him if I wanted (at the expense of my usual weekly routine).

On him being just out of a relationship, I mentioned me being a rebound to him and he has denied it a few times and he's sure that he wants to date me. I also suggested maybe giving it some time until he's had his "fun" but again he didn't want that. All I can do is take him at his word for now. I've heard of many people having successful relationships shortly after a breakup so I'm not ruling it out just yet.

I think I am going to treat this a lot more casually now. I've too much invested in this guy I've only met (because I saw so much potential in him). I am going to go back swiping on the apps and chatting to other guys. I'm not sure if I'll meet them for dates, but it would be good to have a distraction from him and not to have all my eggs in one basket.

[bene]

The whole concept of exclusivity seems like a US specific thing to me that you have to have an “official talk” to exclusively date and assume that everyone is multi dating and sleeping with others. 

In my opinion it’s perfectly fine to focus on one prospect at a time. I wouldn’t even have mental energy to keep many simultaneous dating relationships, at least not further than one or two first dates. If a guy would be active on dating sites after several dates with me then I’d assume that he’s still looking and he’s not willing to explore how things will progress with me. 

It’s a bit tricky of course to find out about the guy’s take on this. A few dates in is too early to make demands but you can just let him know in passing that you are not seeing other people and see how he responds.

Him being fresh out of a relationship could be a problem as he might not even want to commit to anything serious right away.

Edited November 28, 2021 by bene