Goingwothflow Posted November 27, 2021 Posted November 27, 2021 Dating about 2 1/2 months regularly and exclusively. He says our relationship is serious and made plans for me to meet 2 of his close friends. He is divorced for a few years but is on good terms with his ex and just spent thanksgiving with her and his kids to meet his sons parent (his son is almost ready to get engaged). I don’t like being kept a secret so he will be meeting my kids in the next few weeks. I told him I’m uncomfortable dating him without his kids knowing about me at all. when is the right time for him to tell them about me? I get the feeling he is afraid to tell them but he says that’s not true.
Wiseman2 Posted November 27, 2021 Posted November 27, 2021 41 minutes ago, Goingwothflow said: I don’t like being kept a secret so he will be meeting my kids in the next few weeks. I told him I’m uncomfortable dating him without his kids knowing about me at all. Ok. Slow things way down. Mirror. That means stop trying to accelerate things and step back and observe what's happening. 10 weeks is not the time to force him on your kids. It's not the time to fix and change him. It's the time to take notice of the discrepancy between what he says and what he does. 1
BaileyB Posted November 27, 2021 Posted November 27, 2021 (edited) We waited six months - but, his kid was a teen. I will say, my father waited just two months after my mom’s passing and that was way… too soon. He really tried to push her on us - he wanted to invite her to family gatherings, holidays, etc… It took much longer for everyone to accept her because we felt pressured to do so. My advice, you will never regret taking your time because if you push this relationship on the children/family, they will push back. Two months in my opinion isn’t long enough to know with certainty that this relationship will go the distance - I would say enjoy this early stage in the relationship and don’t rush the introductions… Edited November 27, 2021 by BaileyB 2
stillafool Posted November 27, 2021 Posted November 27, 2021 3 hours ago, Goingwothflow said: Dating about 2 1/2 months regularly and exclusively. He says our relationship is serious and made plans for me to meet 2 of his close friends. He is divorced for a few years but is on good terms with his ex and just spent thanksgiving with her and his kids to meet his sons parent (his son is almost ready to get engaged). I don’t like being kept a secret so he will be meeting my kids in the next few weeks. I told him I’m uncomfortable dating him without his kids knowing about me at all. when is the right time for him to tell them about me? I get the feeling he is afraid to tell them but he says that’s not true. Maybe his kids know about you but aren't ready to meet you yet. It may not be your date's fault that you haven't met his kids. When my father was dating after my Mom died, it took me over a year to meet the woman he is now married to. I just wasn't ready to get involved with any or the women he was dating yet. Why are you in such a hurry? 1
stillafool Posted November 27, 2021 Posted November 27, 2021 I thi 3 hours ago, Goingwothflow said: He is divorced for a few years but is on good terms with his ex and just spent thanksgiving with her and his kids to meet his sons parent (his son is almost ready to get engaged). I think you are more bothered by this and you want her to know you have met and been accepted by their kids. You don't like them getting together as family but truth be told, these get togethers will probably still happen even after you meet his children. They will always just look at their mom, dad and them as the family.
ASG Posted November 27, 2021 Posted November 27, 2021 17 minutes ago, stillafool said: I thi I think you are more bothered by this and you want her to know you have met and been accepted by their kids. You don't like them getting together as family but truth be told, these get togethers will probably still happen even after you meet his children. They will always just look at their mom, dad and them as the family. I agree. If they are spending holidays together, that will continue to happen. My dad still spends all holidays with us, despite the fact my mom has been re married for nearly 30 years. My dad and stepdad are also on good terms, even if they're not friends. However, my stepdad's family (in particular her sister, husband and adult children + partners and kids) have also become family.
Ami1uwant Posted November 27, 2021 Posted November 27, 2021 4 hours ago, Goingwothflow said: Dating about 2 1/2 months regularly and exclusively. He says our relationship is serious and made plans for me to meet 2 of his close friends. He is divorced for a few years but is on good terms with his ex and just spent thanksgiving with her and his kids to meet his sons parent (his son is almost ready to get engaged). I don’t like being kept a secret so he will be meeting my kids in the next few weeks. I told him I’m uncomfortable dating him without his kids knowing about me at all. when is the right time for him to tell them about me? I get the feeling he is afraid to tell them but he says that’s not true. this is too soon for holiday meeting with family. It’s better to do this gradually in pieces. there isn’t any sort of need to wait to meet late tern/ adult kids which is unlike the situation if the kids were under 12. Adult kids understand what dating is
introverted1 Posted November 29, 2021 Posted November 29, 2021 (edited) Guess I'm a outlier but I've introduced guys to my adult children (22+) whenever it happened organically, ie., a kid swings by the house to pick something up or pop in for a quick visit and my date is there. It's never done as a big deal, just an organic meeting. Even at the holidays, we are all pretty accommodating and friendly. There'd be no reason I couldn't invite someone I'd been dating for 2+ months to Thanksgiving dinner. It's not a stuffy holiday for us and an invitation doesn't signal that I intend to move in with the guy; it's just another friend sharing a meal with us. Now, with younger kids, I'd tread much more carefully, How old are this guy's kids? Clearly one is an adult if he's planning on getting engaged. What about the others? Edited November 29, 2021 by introverted1
Author Goingwothflow Posted November 29, 2021 Author Posted November 29, 2021 Both are about 30 years old.
stillafool Posted November 29, 2021 Posted November 29, 2021 3 hours ago, Goingwothflow said: Both are about 30 years old. Those are adults for sure. It really isn't up to him when you will meet them but it's up to them when they want to meet you. They may not want to meet you and that wouldn't necessarily be his fault.
smackie9 Posted November 29, 2021 Posted November 29, 2021 No but he's not saying to anyone he's met someone. Well maybe 2 1/2 months is still early to know how serious this is. I wouldn't bat an eye at it yet. Things will work themselves out in good time. Probably in the new year.
Wiseman2 Posted November 30, 2021 Posted November 30, 2021 16 hours ago, Goingwothflow said: Both are about 30 years old. How old are his children? How old are yours? It's unclear how he could have "adult children" if he's 30. At any rate. Slow down. Do not introduce him to your kids. Focus on a good co-parenting relationship with your kids' father for their sake.
introverted1 Posted November 30, 2021 Posted November 30, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: How old are his children? How old are yours? It's unclear how he could have "adult children" if he's 30. At any rate. Slow down. Do not introduce him to your kids. Focus on a good co-parenting relationship with your kids' father for their sake. His kids are both about 30.
Gaeta Posted November 30, 2021 Posted November 30, 2021 (edited) Why are you in a hurry? Introducing adult children doesn't mean he's more committed. Personally I would wait for this man to prove himself to me another couple of months. I don't want to be the woman that keeps introducing new men to her family/children. Waiting 4-5 months seems reasonable and long enough to confirm he intents on sticking around. Also, I feel introducing the children is something to make *you* feel better and not about being excited to introduce someone fantastic to your /his children. I know next time I introduce a boyfriend to my adult daughters they will hope he's the one for me, they will invest time in getting to know him and making him feel part of the family so I don't introduce 2 months boyfriends who can just disappear a week later. Edited November 30, 2021 by Gaeta
Lauriebell82 Posted November 30, 2021 Posted November 30, 2021 (edited) I don't think 2.5 months is too soon for adult children. I met my boyfriend's adult daughter (then 23) at around 2 months and his son (then 13) at around 6 weeks. Older kids are different and can meet in passing. If it doesn't work out for whatever reason they can understand/put it into perspective much more then younger kids can. He may in fact have a reason for keeping that part of his life seperate. Just like some people don't want to integrate their families and it's a HUGE STEP them, where others do it right away...to each their own. It may just be personal preference here. I'd feel it out..don't introduce your own kids either. If he continues to hold out then I would voice some concern and want to know why. Edited November 30, 2021 by Lauriebell82
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