Women keep falling in love with me. it is a turn off

[Indy gentleman]

I am 44. Divorced 3 years ago. Lately I have had something unusual happen. I will date a woman for a few weeks, some times days and they fall in love. I date very professional and educated women my age. Latest is a Harvard Medical School Psychology Professor. Most are very sought after women. Drs, lawyers, good looking, educated and experienced people. 

Very intense. I am sincere and authentic. I want to be remarried. I am also careful about my words and how I act. 

I end the relationship when she loses control. 

I need advise. Has this ever happened to you? 

 

[salparadise]

Yea, a few times. Had one who's a PhD (medical) get head over heels in a matter of weeks. I came to understand that it has to progress at a similar pace for both in order to work. That's how it feels to me at least.

Many women on the other hand (search the threads) seem to believe that the man should be totally smitten from the outset, while they luxuriate in being woo'd and pursued without much investment on their behalf. This puts them in a position of power where they judge and decide if he's worthy of acceptance, and a big part of it is how intensely and diligently he pursues.

So I wonder if you want the dynamic to be the inverse of what you've experienced –– do you prefer to be inherently smitten and have to work hard to win her affections, or do you want it to progress bilaterally? I've had two pretty good longish term (longer than a year) relationships since my D, and both were bilateral. One progressed faster than the other, but in both cases we stayed balanced. I'll tell ya though, there is something to be said for a woman who develops strong attachment (as long as it's to your person/personality, as opposed to your house or bank account). Dedication and consistency over time are highly preferable traits, imho.

Edited November 27, 2021 by salparadise

[Calmandfocused]

I’m a 42 year old female and I would fit into your repertoire of female characteristics that you mention above.
 

I can tell you that it is extremely difficult to find a single man who matches in those characteristics… or find a single man who doesn’t mind dating a woman who possesses those characteristics even if he doesn’t. 
 

If you too are “ smart, educated and good looking” there is your answer. Especially if you are a nice guy too. Are you? If so, they are probably excited to meet a guy like you, and respond to this by jumping in head first. I’m not saying that’s the  right way to go about things but it explains it. 

My only advice to you would be to make sure that you explicitly say that you wish to take things slow. This way these women won’t be under any illusions about finding the man of their dreams. 

Edited November 27, 2021 by Calmandfocused

[chillii]

Well , just to the above firstly , you should actually be way out numbered by similar men bc there are a lot more men about with that kind of quals than there are women . So why are the women always complaining bc they can't seem to get one to me it says more about them than the men.

2ndly to op, yep ,l've always had the problem, even back in 20s . lt's beyond me but women have always fallen in love and thought of me as marriage , or something. God knows why l wasn't even very good at being married , no interest in high earnings, l'm moody, temperamental but eh, l'm also fun. But so l can never believe all the stories around here and the amount of people they all meet , if l met that many women man, l'd be in so much trouble.

lt sounds with your situation , if you let loose a little and cut back on the all so perfect ways and mannerisms , you may slow the female embers a little .

Edited November 27, 2021 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Indy gentleman said:

I end the relationship when she loses control. 

What do you mean by "loses control"?

[Fox Sake]

50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What do you mean by "loses control"?

I think he meant the point that they become hooked and the chase is over… not sure tho. Maybe OP can clarify 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, salparadise said:

Many women on the other hand (search the threads) seem to believe that the man should be totally smitten from the outset, while they luxuriate in being woo'd and pursued without much investment on their behalf. This puts them in a position of power where they judge and decide if he's worthy of acceptance, and a big part of it is how intensely and diligently he pursues.

That was always a bit of a red sign for me.

It's as though they're attempting to create a connection too soon.

But to answer your question, OP, check with a professional about evaluating you for narcissistic personality disorder.

[ChatroomHero]

Once I hit my 40s, the dynamic changed. There's less of a getting to know you and more of a getting to know if you want a long term commitment. If I show a lot of interest, the expectations increase exponentially. It's like after date #2 I get a lot of direct, "I need to know if you are serious" comments. I feel like I am still trying to see how they fit and how I feel and the women are more like, "I don't want to waste my time if you're not serious".

I find it a bit of a turn off too, but understandable. I'd rather see if the attraction grows and I have learned even the most attractive women I'd just fall for in the past have plenty of show stoppers that that make me lose attraction. So I think I am more cautious from experience but the women are maybe more 'desperate'. It makes sense given the landscape but it is a potential killer in a lot of cases.

[stillafool]

OP, maybe you should try dating a different type since the highly educated, highly experienced, career women fall for you too soon.  Maybe date more free spirtied women who are not ready to or don't want to marry and have babies.  Girls you have to chase to get seem more your type.  

[czanclus]

casually following this fascinating account of dating life. 

[czanclus]

Definitely go for younger women (12-18 years younger) who have more time There is an order of magnitude more of them that feel no pressure to settle in the too foreseeable future than from the near middle-age cohort. It should be a surprise to no one that women in their late 30s and mid 40s don't want to waste time. I, a woman in her mid 40s, don't even want to waste time waiting at checkout if I can save time online shopping, let alone if I was (gasp) in the market looking for a man for a long term relationship. That said, I as of yet fail to be unsurprised by the phenomenon of there being late 30s/early 40s women who bought the KoolAid and chased their careers at the expense of building a family under the pretense that babies can wait and job promotions cannot. To each their own. And I'm well aware it wasn't always a choice absent bitter alternatives.

Better selection next time.  

Edited November 27, 2021 by czanclus

[Weezy1973]

The qualities of the women you’re describing don’t mean they’re not emotionally unhealthy or dysfunctional. There’s been a few women through the years that have “lost it” early on and they all had some major issues as it turns out. 
 

I think your strategy of leaving them once they show this emotional instability is smart. Wait for someone more measured in the early stages. 

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, czanclus said:

It should be a surprise to no one that women in their late 30s and mid 40s don't want to waste time....

I agree which is a real shame because it comes across to men as desperate and desperation is not an attractive quality.   And it often causes some women (and also some men) to push and rush things which ends up turning others off which only exacerbates their desperation and need to rush. Thus, they remain alone. 

If only people would learn to relax and become happy within and on their own, by themselves, there would be no need to push or rush, turning men like the OP off.

And then maybe they would find that connection they seek and have a happy rewarding relationship.

Edited November 27, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

I just read something the other day I found apt. 

"The most important relationship you will ever have in your life is the relationship you have with yourself." 

Edited November 27, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[czanclus]

15 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

If only people would learn to relax and become happy within and on their own, by themselves, there would be no need to push or rush, turning men like the OP off.

Exactly. This in fact should be the civilized human's imperative. OPs affinities towards the paradigm are a mere collateral.

I think this is very prevalent among the GenX women. Many didn't have much in the way of quality options, but many more just decided to address the relationship/kids part much later than was in their best interests. Then ended up on the sidelines as men their age picked up women at least 10 years younger, and men older than them were already in relationships, or divorced and uninterested in starting over with someone again. 

Edited November 27, 2021 by czanclus

[chillii]

For me, l don't trust a woman easily, l needed to know her depth and grit, her person, soul, feelings, in a relationship or marriage and in life too. But of course the "us ", what we were,could be, the real, intricate things important to me with my partner, did we have it, did she have it.

lt's automatic stuff, it's wasn't 3rd degree'ing her, things come to light naturally, it's just some time. l was a very good judge of character in a woman too but nonetheless until l saw whatever l needed first hand too then l wasn't letting hopes or heart get carried away. l think that's an important way for women to handle things too. So it never ceased to amaze that they'd seem to just make their mind up right there and boom, all in. They always seemed more willing to risk heart straight off, even though they'd already been through coals God knows how many times, that fascinated me.

Edited November 27, 2021 by chillii

[Woggle]

Show interest back. That will make many of them run in the other direction since then you are no longer unattainable.

[chillii]

Ha, you might be onto something there.

[spiderowl]

Perhaps you are dating women you are not really interested in?  I can appreciate you are at the getting-to-know-them stage and think that they have rushed way ahead of that in a short space of time.  The women are probably picking up on your casual, not-really-bothered attitude and are wondering if you see them as an individual or just a female to date.  They are sussing out whether or not they are wasting their time.

I have been in your situation on occasions and I know how strange and pressurising it can seem when someone is almost suggesting you should be serious about and exclusive with them when you've only gone on a date or two at the most.  It is offputting.  It is probably best that you are put off because then neither of you are wasting your time.

If I am honest, I was not that interested in the guys who put this kind of pressure on me.  I was prepared to make a new friend and see if anything came of it.  If they had been more casual and just good company, then I might have got to know them better and even fallen in love, but it never got beyond one or two dates.

Are you looking for a committed relationship in the long run?  I get the impression that you are not, that you are just looking for fun occasionally.

Edited November 29, 2021 by spiderowl