ryan05 Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 first time poster on this forum, I've read and see there is alot of helpful conversations and I'm not sure what to expect but I'm hoping I can get some things off my chest and at the same time get some perspective and hopefully some advice. I hope this is the right spot for this message. I appologive for the length of this post but I'm just going to try and write everything. Me and my wife have known each other for over 10 years, dated for over 8 years and been married for almost 2. Never have I mistrusted her. We've had a very loving relationship the whole way through. We've had our ups and downs but the amount of ups far outwiegh the amount of downs. About 4 years ago she started working for a small law firm, and 2 years later quit. Then a year after got rehired but for another lawyer. Now this new lawyer is the one I've been having my suspicions about. Okay let me begin by telling you all thats built up my suspicions This new lawyer and my wife for starters have been going off for these marathon lunches on work hours, 4 or 5 even 6 hours of drink after drink and my wife coming home drunk. I've never heard of going to lunch with a workmate for this long, but this she claims, is what lawyers and secretaries do, but she never did this before with any other lawyer she worked for, and when she worked there before, she never even so much as went to a lunch with the lawyer she worked for. But now she claims this is the norm. Fair enough I say. Even tho I'm uncomfortable with this, I don't say anything and just move on. Another thing that has happened is she is now working alot of overtime. When she worked before she used to work maybe 1 day of overtime every two months. Now, its like 1 or twice a week. Today as i'm writing, its been everyday this week. About a month ago she had an office "friday drinks" thing that she wouldn't invite me to, I say this because I always always invite her to my many many work functions. Fair enough, I say that I'd meet up with her after cuz it would go to about 7, then we'd hook up after with a bunch of people and party it up the rest of the night. Well she never called, or hooked up at 7 and at about 10 o clock I finally get in touch with her and I found out that it was just her and this lawyer at her office having drinks after everyone else went home. I told her how she could have at least phoned me to let me know. I got pretty choked at that I must say. This is when I grew really suspicious. About a week later, she went out for lunch with this lawyer and didn't come home till about 10 that night. This to me is very strange. She never did this sort of thing before. Just two days ago her office went to a hockey game and she said phone me after the game cuz she needed to be picked up. I phone her and no answer. Then about 2 hours after the game she phoned me and said that that she'd be home in an hour. I asked her who she was getting a ride from and where she was, I was worried about her. She wouldn't answer me and blatently avoided my questions, then hung up the phone. An hour later guess who's droping her off at my house. Now the past couple month she's continually talking about this guy, I know he's her boss but why keep bringing him up at off work conversations. I'm sure I'm missing several other accounts of things that have happened that have erked me, but the one thing I know is that every time me and my wife get into a some sort of arguement, this lawyer guy is worked in it in some extent. I'm not sure what to think, or what to do. Do you think I'm making something out of nothing? Am I paranoid, and is it justified. Is this leading to something I'm not going to like? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
hooghie Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 My guess is that she is having an affair with this guy. Outside of her drinking a lot with work people and working late- has her behavior changed? Does she dress differently? Has your sex life with her changed? Do you guys fight more than before? Does she seem overly excited to get to work? etc. If you have access to her cell bill- I would check and see if she calls him often when she is not with him. You may want to spend the money and get an investigator.
Author ryan05 Posted October 20, 2005 Author Posted October 20, 2005 our sex life has defintely taken a dive. There is no emotion there. But this could also be because for the past 2 and half years we've been trying to have a baby and have failed numerous times, and sex to her seems more of a chore than anything. There is definite distance between us because of this. As far as her behaviour, shes asked for space alot. Saying that she doesn't feel the need to phone me when her plans change, even when I'm expecting for her to be somewhere, and if I get a bit offended by these things she accuses me of being overbearing. For the first time in a long time she has also questioned our marriage because I'm not trusting her. We've had talks of me trying to explain where I'm coming from and she says I just have to trust her. I know that of course, but I can't ignore my instincts.
usedanabused Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I would strongly suggest you get out there and do some snooping around because it sounds to me as if there is an affair going on . This is not the normal beahavior for a boss / employee relationship. Follow her she what she is up to . The other trick a close friend of mine used was to grab a pair of his wifes panties after she took them off and placed in the laundry and went and had them anaylized for semen and guess what ...... BUSTED!! You need to find out otherwise this will make you crazy . Good luck to you and if you really Love your wife I hope you find out you are wrong .
Author ryan05 Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 thanks for your thoughts. this is so tough for me, because on one hand, I truely believe, and want to believe thats she faithful and all this is in my head. We are still trying to have a baby, and the thought of her sleeping around on me is something that I just don't think she'd do. I refuse to actually. This lawyer I found out is married with children. These are some points that I forgot to mention. But on the other hand, why would she avoid those questions I ask her when she was with him. Why is he the root of all our arguments. Why would she try and hide or cover up details that would lead to them being together. I think perhaps I'm my on worst enemy because I try and plant questions on her that will try and prove that shes up to something with him, and then when it goes thru I automatically think the worst. For example that night of hockey when she never told me where she was and who she's with, I told myself if she's with him than thats a red flag saying somethings up, but does that spell infedilty....I'm not sure. Anyhow, I will keep this post updated and for now I am just going to try and be a good husband for her. I've had alot of time to think lately and the one thing that always comes to my mind is the fact that I tend to the one who thinks and over analyzes too much. Maybe it is in my head and nothing is giong on. I hope I'm right and my intsincts are wrong, heck I've been wrong before. Oh ya, I went up to her office yesterday to pick my wife up for lunch and he was there talking to another lawyer, and he made some witty comment to me asking if I was coming to look for a job. What a clown.
fiatflux Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 Oh my god, Ryan. The only way she could be MORE obvious that she is having an inappropriate relationship with this guy is if she wore a scarlet "A"!!! You are giving her WAY too much benefit of the doubt. Get some proof positive and then confront her with it. You CANNOT repair things by "being a good husband" while she is spending so much time with him that is clearly outside of the boundaries of a work relationship. It doesn't matter if there's not sex involved (although I would be surprised if there isn't, given the evidence) ... the emotional time she is investing in him is getting taken away from you.
Author ryan05 Posted October 22, 2005 Author Posted October 22, 2005 another update... yesterday, I was in a good mood. Things at work were going well, I met my wife for lunch and we had a good time. She actually phoned my that afternoon to say that she misses me and tonight she wanted to go home, watch movies, and just cuddle up all night. that morning however, she told me that she had to meet up with some friends of hers after work but it would only go to 6 - 6:30 latest. so I quickly go home after work, and clean up the house, make sure everything is lookin good. 6:30 passes, then 7 passes, now its 7:30 and still no word. So I give her a phone call on her cell, no answer. I tell myself, no, stop thinking like she's with this lawyer, you're just going to kill yourself with stress. Phone rings shortly after I call her and she says she just paying for the bill and she's on her way home. It takes about an half hour for her to get to the point where she phones me to come pick her up by the way. So anyhow, 45 minutes pass and she phones and says the train is down. Then another half hour goes and finally says to come and pick me up. I don't want to put much emphisis oh her being late becuase it could happen, but this sort of thing has been happening alot lately, thats all. We go home, and I basically have to tell her to come sit by me during the movie, and again, there is that distance there. So I stop the movie, and have a talk with her. I didn't confront her with my suspicions, but I said that I'm really frustrated and basically tell her how I'm feeling hurt by the emotionless wife I have. I hope we can work through it, becasue it's been almost a year now since we've had any sort of connection. I tell her about how our sex life is way down the drain and it hurts a bit when we have sex to try and have a baby yet its like I'm having sex with a someone who just lays there. I tell her maybe we need couselling, but she doesn't want to. I tell her I can't remember the last time I kissed you when it wasn't just a peck on the lips. Finally I tell her how upset I am because I feel she's taking our marriage for granted. I'm not sure if I got through to her or not but she said she was sorry, gave me a hug and and said we'll work through it. We continued the movie, and she fell asleep and wanted to go to bed. This morning I wake up andfind myself typing this post for some sort of therapy thats helping a bit to get stuff off my chest but really, there are so many questions that can't be answered. Time will only tell, how long can I take this, I'm not sure. I love my wife, I won't give up, but right now, I'm so depressed and so frustrated. Thanks for reading.
Author ryan05 Posted October 22, 2005 Author Posted October 22, 2005 Oh my god, Ryan. The only way she could be MORE obvious that she is having an inappropriate relationship with this guy is if she wore a scarlet "A"!!! You are giving her WAY too much benefit of the doubt. Get some proof positive and then confront her with it. You CANNOT repair things by "being a good husband" while she is spending so much time with him that is clearly outside of the boundaries of a work relationship. It doesn't matter if there's not sex involved (although I would be surprised if there isn't, given the evidence) ... the emotional time she is investing in him is getting taken away from you. I'm thinking that sex is not involved. Thats what I keep telling myself, because how can someone sleep around while trying to conceive a baby with their husband. I honestly just can't think like that. How do I get proof tho, I mean she works the guy, its not like she has to email him from our house, or use her cell phone. I can't drop big bucks on a PI either.
lust4life Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 there is not a gentle way to tell you that your wife is sleeping with her boss. She keeps her distance because they just had sex and she doesn't want you to know or feel it. In your post you write FAIR enough, adultery ISN'T fair enough, it is deceitful and horrifically devastating. I really wish you wouldn't take it so lightly. You should demand that she quit her job or start divorce proceedings, atleast with some sort of action on your part the adultery will end. It is painful to realize your partner can cheat, but it is more painful to realize you know it and didn't do anything about it, wasted time. YOU have more than hindsight, use it.
fiatflux Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 YOU be the PI. You start following her around and checking out all her stories. You go to where she says she is, and if she isn't there, you confront her with it. When she said she was going out w/friends, you ask her WHERE they are going ... and then you go check it out. She says "the train is down" - you call the train station and find out if it really is "down." You also need to start putting your foot down and saying you want to go 'out with her friends' as well. She is cutting you out of a part of her life if she is always going out with 'friends' and excluding you. If she is really meeting with 'friends' she shouldn't have a problem with you joining them. Watch her squirm and see what excuses she comes up with for you to NOT join her friends (I guarantee you they won't be good ones).
Author ryan05 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Hi, I just wanted to update this thread to tell how life has been since my last post. I decided I wasn't going to let this whole situation lower my self-esteem. I've been working out and going out and doing my own things and just concentrating on me for a while. This has been really good, but then I started to notice that almost everytime I had plans to go out, she would make her own plans, usually with this lawyer guy, going to bars and watching games on TV. We did had our anniversary recently, and I was really excited because this was a chance to get re-attached emotionally. So I sent her flowers and gave her a gift and wanted to take her out to dinner but she wasn't in the mood. Thats alright, I just wanted to spend a nice night with her. Well it was a night of watching TV because she was tired we didn't even have sex that night. And she never got me anything either. It was a bad anniversay to say the least. Our sex life has been really pathetic lately. It usually consists of me asking for it, her saying later, later comes, I'll pick her up and throw her on the bed like I'm Fabio and try and get the wink wink nudge nudge thing going on, then her saying "Fine, lets go! Hurry up". Then me wrapping it up with the feeling of guilt that I had sex with my wife when she didn't want it. Her xmas party at her firm was them ( her staff only, no spouses) going to a restauraunt then clubbing afterwards. She said I could meet up with her at the club later on in the night, so I went there with a freind of mine and it was just the two of them on the dance floor and no other of her workmates where there in the club. Apparently they had all gone home. Well for the duration of the night, she danced with him and me my friend....jeeee, I'm glad I came out that night. So one other thing is, me and my wife used to go running at lunches, we've been practicing for a half marathon coming up, but now she has been running with him instead of me because "he's a marathon runner" and knows how to train her better. He's got her on a training schedule and she's big time into running all of a sudden. This really upset me and I told her and she gave me the, "I didn't know you felt that way" speech. Things haven't changed much after that, so I guess that I lost my running partner for now. Sooooooo, there we go. As you can see, things haven't really gotten better. One thing I'll say is the arguments have subsided. I'm not getting upset as I did before because I've realized that right now, there is no proof of an affair, when before I thought there might have been something going on. A friend of mine told me that she has been really open to me about what she does with him. If she were having an affair, wouldn't you think she'd try and hide certain things from me, and I think she's right. I think that they are really good friends and happen to work together. I have accepted this. I still trust my wife, I just don't like how she been treating me. She knows this, but doesn't really care apparently. The only thing she is guilty of is being a poor wife, but this is fixable tho, so things can and will get better, I know it, I have faith!!!!!!
Author ryan05 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Oh ya, one thing I wanted to mention... She hates it when I don't get a haircut after a month, says I look bad when it gets all shaggy. Well, its been 2 and a half months since I've gotten a haircut!!! This is me protesting, its all I got right now. And I've gotten compliments on it too. YA!
Shana Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Your haircut?? Your shaggy haircut that SHE never liked not it is OK is because she could care less what YOU look like, she is seeing her BOSS and that's it. I cannot believe you are being so easy going about this... wow~! Anddddd. you said she talks to friends openly about the boss to her friends and if she was having and A with him she would not talk about it?? (remember those words)? well., not true.. she is just putting it out in the open so it does not look like she is, does not mean she's not... so... open your eyes Ryan.. seriously!
newbby Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 it certainly is all you got right now. have you ever asked her what is going on? not with him but with you and her?
NatoPMT Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Ryan, your situation has been going on for quite some time and you dont seem to have done anything except talk about it to LS'ers (which is a good start). Is that because you dont really want to know if shes up to no good, or that you are hoping if shes having an affair then it will run its course? If so, its an consideration to keep doing this and hoping that someone else will dictate the course of your life, but you have no control over this situation. When this blows over, IF it does, you will be left feeling very different once your concerns subside. The issues that caused her infidelity (and it does look likes shes being unfaithful) will still be there. You need deal with the reasons that are causing her distance and availability to this lawyer. Either get to marriage counselling or get her tailed. Good luck
Author ryan05 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 yes, I have. She's a tough one to get a heart to heart with tho. Very tough lately actually. One time, she said that since I've been bringing up our relationship and our problems of our distance between us and her having a better time with her friends than me, she started asking herself questions. Did she really want to be with me, she only knows me and noone else and she was starting to get curious. She tells me she would never cheat on me but she has been having these thoughts. She said she might have outgrown me, but she doesn't know and she's very confused. And she broke down crying then and didn't really want to say much more. Ever since then, talking to her has been really tough. So thats when I eased up and let things cool down between us and our relationship discussions. This was a couple months back, and then just recently when I was talking to her about some of our issues, she said just give her time because we haven't been doing well lately and things will get better, she promises.
usedanabused Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Dude how much longer are you going to subject yourself to this emotional torture. A woman who is supposed to love you and want to have your baby does not spend the majority of her time with another man. You need to find out once an for all exactly what she is up to right now ! She has not noticed your hair because at this point in time you are transparent to her . She is distracted by another . You need to tell her to get a new job and have absolutely no contact with this guy immediately. This is not normal behaivor for a married woman . You need to sit her down and lay it on the line . I am not trying to sound harsh but just trying to be realistic here . She is turning you into a doormat and believe me there are a lot of women out there who would kill to have a husband like you . Try to get it nipped in the bud or move on and find another woman who will love , respect, and most of all appreciate you for YOU! You have been nice about this far too long now go and get some answers today .... follow her , check out her stories , do it now . Good luck
Author ryan05 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Ugh! I know. But I always convince myself that she hasn't cheated and that she will come around. I cannot get myself to throw in the towel on this because she is so worth it if and when she does. But what you are tell me is true, I am playing the doormat. And it sucks because I can't picture my life without her, and I want to believe so bad that our marriage will prevail. I always play the what if games in my mind, what if she is just going through a rough time, and I do accuse her of being unfaithful, than I just wasted a really good thing (even though it hasn't been good lately). Looking back is so plain to see that she wants to be somewhere else, so why do I sit here and take it, who knows. I wish I could make her take a lie detector test, oh the question i'd ask. *sigh* Maybe it is time to start playing hard ball. Oh BigBelm you asked....Is that because you dont really want to know if shes up to no good, or that you are hoping if shes having an affair then it will run its course? I'll tell you this, I still don't think she's having an affair so I know that I'm not hoping an affair will run its course, if there is a course that I want to run through maybe its the fact that she's spending alot of extra time with him. If there is something going on, I do want to know, and I will deal with it. Why I'm still in this situation now is because I have alot of patience and understanding and faith. But that might change soon.
newbby Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 you dont have to accuse her of anything at all, if you dont want to. what you can do is state that the relationship is unsatisfactory as it is, and that you do not want to be in a relationship with somebody who spends less time with you than a friend of hers. you dont have to make accusations but neither should you be putting up with a marriage where there is no communication, no quality time, and no mutually loving sex. aside from whether she is having an affair or not, what is your marriage actually like? NOW, i mean?
Author ryan05 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Our marriage right now... I'd say that our marriage is under-acheiving, if that makes sense. The trust is the main thing right now. I'm not sure I really trust her. I mean, I don't have reason not to trust her, but at the same time, it's not like it used to be. That seed of doubt has been planted and once its there, its hard to remove it. I often find myself asking myself..."what happen to you", because she has not been herself at all ever since about a year ago. But anyway, how things go with us right now are basically on her terms. If she's happy, we do fine, if she's miserable, we're not fine. I have a pretty good read on her usually and know what to do and when depending on how she feels. Our communication is shakey, we used to pride ourselves on this, and yet, lately, trying to talk to her about anything seems like a chore. When I come to her explaining something that is unconfortable with me she usually tells me to get over it, I'm over reacting, or just being jealous. Our sexlife, I need not explain as I've done this before, but lets just say its hit rock bottom. She gives more love to our cat than me. We still do stuff, like go to movies, and go out for dinner, hang out with our friends, but these happenings are few and far between. One thing she told me which kind of stands out is she told me that she didn't marry me so that I can question her on the things she does. It's like, she was the one who wanted to marry me so bad for years and years, but I never did because we were stil pretty young, but I finally did, and now that I did, and we got our house and our cars, she thinks she's got the security to do whatever she wants. And thats not cool at all. She admitted to taking our marriage for granted, but yet she doesn't do anything to change. She thinks now she's married, in a "secure" relationship, she can toss me to the side and do her own thing. I feel its a onesided marriage for sure, and I'm the only one fighting to save it.
travellingman Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 If she were having an affair, wouldn't you think she'd try and hide certain things from me She doesn't need to, you're allowing this to happen. She is so having an affair it's ridiculous. Growing your hair is not a good response, but growing a pair would be.
newbby Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 sorry ryan, but it really does seem that that is the case. i think theres a certain amount of denial going on here.
usedanabused Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Ryan my man I cannot tell you again by burying your head in the sand hoping this will blow over is no way to handle this situation. Find out now what she is up too and put a stop to it . This is my opinion only but if it was me I first would make up my mind that no matter what I find out (affair or not ) am I willing to fight and save this marriage . Just because she is having an affair does not mean your marriage is over but that is something you need to decide first are you willing to fight obviously you are because right now she is treating you like crap and wipiong her feet all over your back . Once you decide that then and only then go find out what she is up too (meaning catch her ) Then sit her down and tell her if she is staying with you this is the way it is going to be . 1) First quit and find a new job far far away from this guy . 2) No cell phone unless all records are maritial business open to both . 3) Most definetly marriage counseling 4) Complete full disclosure of all activities and complete and total honesty on a go forward basis . .... Now there it is that is what my wife and I did when we were in this same situation and it worked for us . Trust can be regained and a
lust4life Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Doesn't seem like a good marriage. Why don't you get out of it.?
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