Date had nudes on his phone

[Taramere]

I'd have made some inappropriate joke about him having a lot of interesting pics of his sister, I think.  See how he liked that.

[Girl Fade Away]

I cannot help thinking that by showing you pics of his sister(?) after only two dates knowing he had nudes of other women in the same gallery and that you would see them, he was trying to elicit a reaction.  I mean who shows a date family pics after two dates? 

This was no random innocent action.  It was deliberate and intentional.  He was attempting to elicit a reaction.  Fire you up.  Whether jealousy, curiosity, or gaging what you think about men (him) collecting nudes.  

So what was the outcome OP?  Did you decide to ghost like you said?  

Edited November 25, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Crazelnut]

I don't care how common it is. I think keeping nudes on your phone is tacky and low class. It's skeezy. I wouldn't be interested in seeing such a guy again. 

[Atwood]

Have a conversation about it. 

"Hey, so when you were showing me that picture of your sister the other day I caught a glimpse of the nudes you've got saved in your phone and I was wondering what's up with that? Are you into getting nudes?"

Stay calm and lighthearted. Don't give him the sense there's any judgement or consequence - just trying to get to know this new person and what they are like. If you're able to have a pretty reasonable conversation with a resolution that feels satisfying to you for now, you could keep seeing how things go. If there's any red flags or deal breakers, or he's straight up incapable of having a simple conversation without getting defensive or the communication skills just aren't there, you know where the door is!

[viking37]

They aren't innocent. They are going to be photos he requested from girls he is sexting with or less likely photos his friends sent him of girls they are sexting with. Otherwise how else would they have found their way into his photo phone album?

But a lot of guys sext and hook up with girls between relationships while they are waiting to meet someone they like. So I would not write him off completely. And if he has not tried to sext with you or request photos then he is obviously taking you more seriously than those girls which is a good sign. 

But yeah I think you can make a lighthearted joke something like "I couldn't help notice that you collect nude photos of women. Are you looking to expand your collection?" 

How he reacts should help you decide how to proceed. 

[astutise]

On 11/25/2021 at 6:56 PM, Girl Fade Away said:

I cannot help thinking that by showing you pics of his sister(?) after only two dates knowing he had nudes of other women in the same gallery and that you would see them, he was trying to elicit a reaction.  I mean who shows a date family pics after two dates? 

This was no random innocent action.  It was deliberate and intentional.  He was attempting to elicit a reaction.  Fire you up.  Whether jealousy, curiosity, or gaging what you think about men (him) collecting nudes.  

So what was the outcome OP?  Did you decide to ghost like you said?  

Yeah I haven't contacted him. He hasn't tried to reach out to be fair, so i didn't need to ghost. I was quite irritated after seeing the pics and he was teasing me, as we were doing before the pics, and i half jokingly/half not in a jokey mood anymore said 'you are annoying, don't be surprised if you get blocked' and he first laughed then said 'wait i dont know if you're still joking...'. i didn't actually mean it, and i haven't blocked him, but think he heard the annoyance about the pics come out in my tone/body language. So think he has backed off for this reason.

Edited November 26, 2021 by astutise

[astutise]

20 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

I don't care how common it is. I think keeping nudes on your phone is tacky and low class. It's skeezy. I wouldn't be interested in seeing such a guy again. 

same. Regardless of how common it may be, i find my sexual attraction to the person fizzles if i see pics like that, soo that's that, really. I did try to consider that it is just what lots of guys do, but ehh i can't get it out of my head the gross explicit pic of a lady's nether regions. 

[glows]

33 minutes ago, astutise said:

same. Regardless of how common it may be, i find my sexual attraction to the person fizzles if i see pics like that, soo that's that, really. I did try to consider that it is just what lots of guys do, but ehh i can't get it out of my head the gross explicit pic of a lady's nether regions. 

Of course it's not what lots of guys do. And even so, would you care what "lots of guys do"? Just be concerned about what the right guy for you would do and if this isn't attractive to you, pass. 

[astutise]

20 minutes ago, glows said:

Of course it's not what lots of guys do. And even so, would you care what "lots of guys do"? Just be concerned about what the right guy for you would do and if this isn't attractive to you, pass. 

That's actually really true. You're right. I guess sometimes i hear a lot of 'guys and girls are different, they do things we dont necessariily understand' which i reflect on and consider whether concessions should be made, in what circumstances etc? But you're right, cus regardless if it isnt attractive to me, it wont work anyway!

[glows]

3 minutes ago, astutise said:

That's actually really true. You're right. I guess sometimes i hear a lot of 'guys and girls are different, they do things we dont necessariily understand' which i reflect on and consider whether concessions should be made, in what circumstances etc? But you're right, cus regardless if it isnt attractive to me, it wont work anyway!

I don't buy into gender stereotypes. So many things that someone or other in my youth told me women can't do or shouldn't do, I've done and checked off the list. Excuses that I've heard the opposite sex making for hang ups and issues, terrible treatment of others and carelessness, cowardice, avarice, inconsideration, I've seen just as many good people overcome and not only that, also share and inspire others. Yes, stick to what you find attractive and forget what other people say or those limitations or negative expectations.

[astutise]

On 11/26/2021 at 1:02 PM, Atwood said:

Have a conversation about it. 

"Hey, so when you were showing me that picture of your sister the other day I caught a glimpse of the nudes you've got saved in your phone and I was wondering what's up with that? Are you into getting nudes?"

Stay calm and lighthearted. Don't give him the sense there's any judgement or consequence - just trying to get to know this new person and what they are like. If you're able to have a pretty reasonable conversation with a resolution that feels satisfying to you for now, you could keep seeing how things go. If there's any red flags or deal breakers, or he's straight up incapable of having a simple conversation without getting defensive or the communication skills just aren't there, you know where the door is!

Oh dear,  he has messaged me today, do you guys think it is mean to just ghost? I could say what you suggested here, and end it with '...and that's why i dont' really want to date you.' Haha. urgh i hate awkward conversations if i don't know somebody well - this is why the first FEW DATES AT LEAST should not have weirdo things happen...you don't know each other well enough to know how to raise an issue. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, astutise said:

,  he has messaged me today, do you guys think it is mean to just ghost?

Ok. After 2 dates it is what it is. No need to discuss, lecture or anything else.

It's a red flag for you. Trust your own feelings. It's ok to ghost but you could just use some variation of "we're not a match" . Then delete and block him.

Edited November 27, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Killian898]

3 hours ago, astutise said:

Oh dear,  he has messaged me today, do you guys think it is mean to just ghost? I could say what you suggested here, and end it with '...and that's why i dont' really want to date you.' Haha. urgh i hate awkward conversations if i don't know somebody well - this is why the first FEW DATES AT LEAST should not have weirdo things happen...you don't know each other well enough to know how to raise an issue. 

If this is a dealbreaker for you then I don’t suppose that you really liked him all that much anyways, and besides you’ve only met him twice, so go ahead and ghost. No biggie and am sure he’ll get over it.

If you were into him and found him really attractive and made a connection etc. I doubt that the nudes would be something that you would throw the whole thing out over. I get the impression that you were on the fence about him and that this incident has tipped you over to the side of rejecting him. If that’s so then just ghost or tell him very simply you don’t want to see him again because you don’t see any future in it. Personally I would go for the latter option because I’m not a fan of ghosting even if it’s this early, but to each their own. 

Edited November 27, 2021 by Killian898

[Girl Fade Away]

32 minutes ago, Killian898 said:

If this is a dealbreaker for you then I don’t suppose that you really liked him all that much anyways, and besides you’ve only met him twice, so go ahead and ghost. No biggie and am sure he’ll get over it.

If you were into him and found him really attractive and made a connection etc. I doubt that the nudes would be something that you would throw the whole thing out over. I get the impression that you were on the fence about him and that this incident has tipped you over to the side of rejecting him. If that’s so then just ghost or tell him very simply you don’t want to see him again because you don’t see any future in it. Personally I would go for the latter option because I’m not a fan of ghosting even if it’s this early, but to each their own. 

This might have a ring of truth to it since @astutiseyou said it was done in a kind of playful teasing way.  And you were teasing him about it too. 

I am now convinced he was aiming for a reaction, maybe to spice things up, get you riled?  A prelude to hot sex?   I have had boyfriends do that.  And when I was really into them, it was a lot of good fun and good sex. 

But if you are completely turned off that is your right and while I am not a fan of ghosting either it has become so common, I think it has become the norm this early in when someone is no longer interested.

Edited November 27, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[JRabbit]

Never heard a single person say they have pics saved to their phone automatically that get texted before. Why? That's weird and even creepier if you know random women are sending you nudes.

Personally I would pass on any man that needs nudes that available at all times.

[flitzanu]

i think all the advice is fair.  your personal feelings and opinions about it are also valid, and if it makes you feel weird, you shouldn't continue.

however, i think making the assumption as to why they were there is a fickle slope because only he knows that.

again, as i mentioned, i may have provocative photos in my phone, because guys are guys and send things to each other.  i may or may not remember to erase them, and if i have like 6000 pictures in my gallery i'm not going to remember to go back and find one to remove it.

only saying this because, even if there is a nude photo in his phone, it doesn't mean he slept with or is going to sleep with that girl.  i certainly don't have nude photos of girls i've slept with or pursued on my phone, but there may be other random nude/provocative photos somewhere to be found.

i think even if you pursued him or continued, you'd never get it out of your head that there might be naked ladies on his phone and it would eat you alive.