mereduke Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 I have posted on this website before but this is my first in the breakup area. It never was a break up until now. Some background: "M" and I dated for what would have been 3 yrs this Dec. Hes 36 now and I am 23. We had a wonderful relationship where we were best friends as well as a twosome. We did a little fighting and such but nothing to substantial that would cause major problems. The only issue we had was "the marriage issue." He was married before and didn't even want to be but felt pressured and she wound up cheating on him and he got a divorce. Well he always told me he never felt like he would get into another serious relationship let alone marriage until I came along. So anyways...it came down to the line after all this time..I wanted to get married...he said he need time to think. One month ago he said he wanted some time to think and that he would let me know soon what he wanted. Well the other night...I went over there unannouced b/c I felt a month was enough time for him to miss me and make a decision...he told me he has been fine without me, he hasn't missed me, he isn't in love with me anymore, and he doesn't want to be with me in any shape or form. I am having trouble believing that he really feels this way. There could be several reasons why he said this...he was sick of the pressure, he wanted to allow me to move on b/c he doesn't think he wants to get married again, he's scared, etc. But I can't help but to think that he is "the one." I can't even begin to describe how much I truly love him. But at the same time..I just want him to be happy, whatever makes him that way, including not being with me if thats what it means. But everyone says how much he looks like **** and he does. He looks horrible and hasn't been sleeping well. He said work is sucking right now and hes worried about his dad. Anyways I don't know what I am looking for on here...encouragement, answers, should I email him and tell him how bad I am hurting, etc... I dunno please help me. I feel like my best friend has just died.
suegail Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I think at this point you should take his word for it in regards to how he feels about things. In other words, I think it's up to him to let you know if he decides he feels otherwise. He was quite clear - he is not making any attempts to spare your feelings or keep you dangling with hope. He may be upset for many other reasons, other things going on in his life, and it could be clouding his thought processes, and maybe later on when there is less stress in his life he'll feel differently about things - you never know.
curly Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Read the book. Men are simple creatures. They will tell you right away what they are feeling. If he didn't call you or contact you in the month you were away from each other, then he's not that into you. Listen to the exact words he said and take them as the absolute truth. I know it's extremely harsh and you can't / don't want to believe it, but it's true. It will take some time to accept it but allow yourself that time to heal. He doesn't want to see you. Don't argue that point. Just walk away with dignity. I know it sounds flip, but you are young. 23 is plenty of time to date around. Let M decide what he wants in his life. Trust me, if he realizes it's you - he'll be back in a second. But you may not want him back by then.
scobro Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 You definately do not want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.Plus you guys have a pretty big age difference and that might come into play as you both get older.Looks like a blessing in disguise if you want the truth.
J dub Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 Always believe a man when he says something about a relationship like he said to you. It would be pointless to press the issue because in general, men do not respond well to pressure which is exactly what you put on him (HOWEVER, you were perfectly right to demand a move out of him, you shouldnt be waiting for him to be "ready") and since you gave him the ultimatum, you are at a breaking point where you just need to walk away from him because if you dont, youre not standing your ground and if you get back together you are agreeing that marriage is not something you want at this time. I dont know if that made much sense, it sounded better at the time. Unfortuantely, it seems you should just drop him and his commitment phobe a$$.
downcydeguy Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 If he's dealing with these other issues, ie work, family, he's probably withdrawn for a reason. Do not pressure him at all right now because this will certainly push him away for good. Now, we guys are typically pretty straightforward but also easily defensive in some cases. If you truly feel that he's still in love with you, wait a week or two and send him a short email letting him know that you know he's going through a very rough time right now and you are more than willing to give him his time to recover. Let him know that you're there if he needs you. I'm not suggesting you put your life on hold while waiting around. You need to move on and act as though it's over. If he realizes that he really needs you, he will let you know. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck and keep checking this site - it is very helpful.
slubberdegullion Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 It's not necessarily that he's a "commitment phobe a$$" (with apologies to J dub), it's more likely that he has other things going on in his life right now that require his attention. I think at this point you should take his word for it in regards to how he feels about things. In other words, I think it's up to him to let you know if he decides he feels otherwise. (emphasis added).Exactly. A man of quality is not manipulated or pressured into anything; he'll just refuse to play the game.
Recommended Posts