Old Aussie Posted November 23, 2021 Posted November 23, 2021 I'm a firm believer that men and women often communicate differently, and I appreciate that I am a very blunt and literal person, and struggle to read subtle nuances. I have become good friends with a lady. She's not perfect, and I have no idea if we would have a future, but she is kind, gentle, considerate, and beautiful. We have become friends, and are are getting closer, talking and texting all the time. She is always generous in her praise for me, telling me how much she appreciates me, and thanking me for my time. Last thing I want to do is scare her off. I thought of asking her out on a date, because in MY mind that would clarify things. For me, if she said no, we would still go on being friends. But I realise that it's often not that simple. I don't mind waiting, being patient, and seeing where things go. And if we just become good FRIENDS, then that's better than nothing. Good Friends are worth their weight in gold. But I also don't want to miss any signals. I THOUGHT that she was a little cool on the idea of anything romantic. When I have said things such as "let me know if you want company" (when going for beach walks etc) she hasn't replied. And previously when I said "we should catch up for coffee or a drink" she replied "definitely for a coffee." But when we do get together, to go shopping for whatever, we seem to have a good time and its all very relaxed and natural. Now, even though she is what would easily be called "Vivacious", she has confided in me that she is actually a bit of a loner. So yeah, she often likes to go to the beach, etc, on her own, and just be alone with her thoughts. She has praised by qualities, said how alike she believes we are, and now told me that she considers me to be her closest friend. So, is this what the Friend-Zone looks like? Is telling me what a great guy I am, just reinforcing my status as Friend? I acknowledged that she had a previous bad relationship, and that she must have guys hitting on her all the time. That was my way of saying that I understood if she wasn't interested in me "that way." She replied that the relationship was a long time ago, and that she didn't pay attention to guys hitting on her. So, statements of fact? Or an invitation? I can see that that for all her many positives, she is actually quite vulnerable. So I kinda feel that I need to be the one to take risks in putting myself out there. Is telling her how beautiful she is a positive? Or just creepy and unwelcome?
basil67 Posted November 23, 2021 Posted November 23, 2021 It does sound like you're in the friend zone. She sees you as a good mate. With the exception of if she's a recovering alcoholic, wanting coffee but not a drink does make it sound like she's putting up signals about 'just friends' But if you do want to try upping the ante, be a bit more direct about spending time with her. Instead of giving the low pressure "let me know if you want company", you could ask her on a date. Use the word 'date' so that she knows your intentions. If she accepts, then this is a big sign to go ahead. As for compliments, I can't speak for this woman. But if it was me, I love being told I look nice by a date or partner. But if it's the very first compliment, I'd prefer to be told how much he enjoys my company. Or that he finds me interesting. Or likes my sense of humour. I want to be appreciated for who I am, not what I look like. 3
chillii Posted November 23, 2021 Posted November 23, 2021 What happened with the work friend btw , have you seen ea other since leaving ? This one , hmm, not sure , but l think l'd agree with bas and air slightly more to the friendship side butttt, she's probably wondering the same and so pretty guarded also soooooo, these things can be pretty hard to tell like this. What;s her body language like with you is she touchy huggy or kissy at all, or does she seem guarded physically together or ?
Wiseman2 Posted November 23, 2021 Posted November 23, 2021 21 minutes ago, Old Aussie said: I thought of asking her out on a date, because in MY mind that would clarify things. You'll have to at least try. Especially since you're good with either outcome, friends or dating. Don't just tag along. Like "if you want company". Make a suggestion like going out of for dinner. A real date Nothing ventured, nothing gained. This tiptoeing around is confusing for both of you.
glows Posted November 23, 2021 Posted November 23, 2021 Please don't make this about men and women being different communicators. There are just poor communicators and better communicators. Don't hide behind your gender or gender stereotypes because you refuse to take risks and ask someone out. Bite the bullet as you have nothing to lose. It's not as if you're asking her to marry you and it's unlikely she'll hold it against you if she doesn't feel the same way. Why would you live like this in limbo wondering indefinitely? Good luck! 4
chillii Posted November 23, 2021 Posted November 23, 2021 l think he's worried about the friendship otherwise, which often does hit the dirt if one or the other develops feelings.
ShyViolet Posted November 23, 2021 Posted November 23, 2021 Speculating and reading into comments she's made really won't give you the answers you are looking for. Ask her out on a proper date, and then you'll have your answer. 1
dramafreezone Posted November 23, 2021 Posted November 23, 2021 14 hours ago, Old Aussie said: She has praised by qualities, said how alike she believes we are, and now told me that she considers me to be her closest friend. So, is this what the Friend-Zone looks like? Is telling me what a great guy I am, just reinforcing my status as Friend? Yes, this seems like you're in the Friendzone. I think you approached this far too cautiously. For such a direct communicator you sure danced around this a lot. No harm in asking her out but I don't think she's interested. You don't want to be her friend, you want to be her lover. By settling for less than what you want, you're disrespecting yourself. 2
divegrl Posted November 23, 2021 Posted November 23, 2021 She sees you as a friend. Do not ask her out; focus you energy somewhere else. Take care.
Author Old Aussie Posted November 24, 2021 Author Posted November 24, 2021 21 hours ago, chillii said: What happened with the work friend btw , have you seen ea other since leaving ? I believe she made it clear that there wasn't any mutual interest, so I gently apologised, but kept things positive. I occasionally make casual contact, just in the way of people who worked together, message about work and professional stuff. Emotionally I managed to move on, as we do. 1
Author Old Aussie Posted November 24, 2021 Author Posted November 24, 2021 7 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Yes, this seems like you're in the Friendzone. I think you approached this far too cautiously. For such a direct communicator you sure danced around this a lot. No harm in asking her out but I don't think she's interested. You don't want to be her friend, you want to be her lover. By settling for less than what you want, you're disrespecting yourself. I am thrilled just to be her friend. I feel like I would like to hang out more, as just friends, but how do I distinguish? Obviously I can separate out the physical attraction, but the wanting to spend time with her? Keep in mind that at my age, if I were magically able to toggle switches and select, I would choose friendship and companionship over sex.
Author Old Aussie Posted November 24, 2021 Author Posted November 24, 2021 It's also a little disappointing personally. Not with her specifically, but life in general. What I have going on inside, as opposed to physical appearance, is pretty much all I have going for me. To be recognised for that is very rewarding. To be called a close friend is indeed an honour. But it does make me wonder if that's all I have to look forward to? Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for what I have, but having a special someone would be nice too.
Girl Fade Away Posted November 24, 2021 Posted November 24, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Old Aussie said: Keep in mind that at my age, if I were magically able to toggle switches and select, I would choose friendship and companionship over sex. What do you mean at your age? Your profile reads you are 45-54 which is not that old, even at the upper end of that range. There is a poster here who is 55-64 and reading her posts, one might think she was in her sexual prime! So please do not underestimate yourself. Now to your post. I am not convinced she views you as just a friend. Since you have made no romantic overtures or moves, SHE might think YOU view her as just a friend and she is following suit so to not scare you off. Asking for drink or coffee doesn't mean a damn thing. Nor does asking her if she wants company. These are things friends ask and do. A man who is romantically interested lets a woman know by asking her out on a DATE. You need to stop tip toeing around, hesitating, being tentative. You are placing YOURSELF in the friendzone! If she declines, so be. Go back to being friends. But I think you need to go for it. Stop allowing fear to steer your ship. Be stronger than that, more confident. She will notice and it may inspire feelings she may not realize even exist. Or perhaps they DO exist now. You will never know until you try. Edited November 24, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 1
Author Old Aussie Posted November 24, 2021 Author Posted November 24, 2021 12 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said: What do you mean at your age? Your profile reads you are 45-54 which is not that old, even at the upper end of that range. There is a poster here who is 55-64 and reading her posts, one might think she was in her sexual prime! So please do not underestimate yourself. I'm not pretending that I'm not interested, I'm still male. And I'm no saint. Just saying that I would rather be celibate than lose her as a Friend. Yes, I am being overly cautious. I can handle it if she turns me down. But what I'm scared of is making her think I'm a typical male only interested in one thing, and damaging our friendship.
Wiseman2 Posted November 24, 2021 Posted November 24, 2021 31 minutes ago, Old Aussie said: I would rather be celibate than lose her as a Friend. You can have her as a friend and date other women, no? Sounds like you're anxious in general about women and dating. If you think you're better as friends, then just carry on as is. 1
glows Posted November 24, 2021 Posted November 24, 2021 1 hour ago, Old Aussie said: Yes, I am being overly cautious. I can handle it if she turns me down. But what I'm scared of is making her think I'm a typical male only interested in one thing, and damaging our friendship. She will think what she wants and if she has a mind of her own and isn't insecure or needing any type of opposite sex attention, she'd probably admire or respect you for being a straight shooter rather than a male friend who wants to get with her romantically but disguised as a friend. Either way you pick the life you would like to live so go on and live it. Spend time with other friends too. 1
Author Old Aussie Posted November 24, 2021 Author Posted November 24, 2021 6 minutes ago, glows said: but disguised as a friend. There's nothing "disguised" about it. I am her friend. We are friends, and will remain so (if I don't to something to jeopardise it)
Author Old Aussie Posted November 24, 2021 Author Posted November 24, 2021 Communication is different. I'm not very good at reading between the lines. It's the back and forth that I find a bit confusing. Very hard to find the right balance. Ultimately, it is the Friend-Zone, which is ok. Although I feel not even as closer friends as she said, but time will tell. And tbh, the uncertainty can be a bit frustrating. Oh well. We will see how we go.
assertives Posted November 24, 2021 Posted November 24, 2021 So do you or do you not want to date her? Cos honestly, it isn't clear from your post. You don't want to take the initiative and is more than happy being friends. If I was romantically interested in a guy and he behaves the way you do now, I will just take it as you are not interested and move on.
Wiseman2 Posted November 24, 2021 Posted November 24, 2021 8 hours ago, Old Aussie said: Ultimately, it is the Friend-Zone, which is ok. Ok date other women, closer to your age. Orbiting in the friendzone is ok, but when she starts dating men, you'll be upset, for no reason because she is not in any way leading you on.
Girl Fade Away Posted November 24, 2021 Posted November 24, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, Old Aussie said: There's nothing "disguised" about it. I am her friend.We are friends, and will remain so (if I don't to something to jeopardise it) Or when she meets another man who makes his interest clear and they begin dating. NOT many men in that situation would be happy with her being 'friends' with another man, namely you. Have you thought about how you will feel when that happens? Which it will eventually. She is still a relatively young woman. Edited November 24, 2021 by Girl Fade Away
MeadowFlower Posted November 24, 2021 Posted November 24, 2021 (edited) @Old Aussie tell her how you feel. And make it a definite thing to her that you want to date her. Don't be wishy washy in how you feel. Edited November 24, 2021 by MeadowFlower
Lotsgoingon Posted November 24, 2021 Posted November 24, 2021 Yes, it sounds like friendzone. There is a difference between telling someone you're a great person ... and looking them dead in the eye and giving them a dazzling smile that nearly knocks you down. There are no foolproof tests, but over time I've developed a few questions to indicate friendzone. First, do you guys touch each other? When there is some romantic interest, the two people get their hands on each other. It might be that you touch her shoulder, but if she's interested, she'll touch you back in some way or lean into your touch. Second, do you feel incredible tension when you're with her? Like a revved up nervousness that is accompanied by joy? In the friendzone, you can walk around with someone for hours--comfortably with you know, some thoughts about romantic possibility. Outside the friendzone, it would drive you nuts with tension and suspense to walk around with someone because the attraction energy would just be overflowing through both of you. Another metric: Most likely if you have to ask, then you are in the friendzone. When someone is showing and feeling romantic interest, it can be downright uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because you don't want more with this person and you realize they do or uncomfortable in a good way because you do want more and things are about to hit the fan. Is there a thrill running through you when you're about to see her? That thrill is very different from the feeling of anticipating seeing a friend. 2
Author Old Aussie Posted November 25, 2021 Author Posted November 25, 2021 Oh, from my point of view, the "thrill" is certainly there. Sadly. I have pushed the envelope, been a bit more open, and it's clear there's no reciprocation at that level. It's somewhat crushing, only because I have finally actually found somebody who appreciates me for who I am. But at least I have a good friend.
Author Old Aussie Posted November 26, 2021 Author Posted November 26, 2021 And sadly, what I've come to realise, is that "You're such a great guy, you're my closest friend, you mean so much to me, we are so much alike, I'll always be here for you" is just a bunch of meaningless talk. I didn't set out to pursue this lady, I would have assumed I had no chance, but as our friendship developed and she gushed all these positives, I thought maybe we had a friendship that could be the foundation, and maybe lead to something more. Certainly in my point of view, I would expect anyone that I had a romantic relationship with, to become a very close friend, and ideally friends first. But I guess this is a new world of relationships that I don't fully understand. And I suppose, why not, women should be just as liberated, to behave the way men have been behaving for centuries. So I guess that "close friendships" and "romantic relations" are now fully independent.
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