Trying to rebuild, kind of got into an argument. Am I wrong?

[Sun Seeker]

Oh dear... So many things wrong here.

Firstly yes you were wrong with the whole Friday night thing, being wishy washy about whether you wanted to meet, then being cold, then getting upset at her for going out when you could not be bothered to confirm plans.

This is a small issue though.. the bigger one is you both are clearly NOT COMPATIBLE. How can you not see that? It's clear as day. Why are you so desperate to force things to work with her? Because that is what you are doing, forcing things. That's not how a healthy relationship works.

That's not even getting into the biggest issue here, the massive one. She is your ex. You broke up. Why on Earth are you getting back together with an ex trying to make things work again? If it was meant to be, you would not have broken up in the first place. #1 rule of relationships, never get back with an ex. They belong in the past.

Get some self respect, build up some self confidence, end things for good, find someone you are more compatible with. 

You have made a series of mistakes. Don't make another one by staying in this 'relationship'. You are wasting your time and your life.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

From the outside looking in and the little but of information here, I totally understand that. We've had talks, reevaluate where we are with each other. Agree we like how things are going and to keep things up. She tells me she wants to continue working on herself and it can only better her relationship with me. She knows the areas she needs to work on and she's seeking help on that. She knows and she admitted she has selfish ways. The night she kissed me, she told me she's hopeful about us. 

But she loves Crossfit.  Her love of crossfit ended the relationship before, but she's still doing it and still loving it.  And you still hate how it affects her life and complain about it.

Sounds to me like you're at a stalemate.

[Lotsgoingon]

I hate to say it, but you are hiding and ducking and doing passive-aggressive answering and requesting.

She told me she had something going on Saturday evening and also something Sunday, so I said "I guess I won't be seeing you this weekend?

Dude, cut this out.. Say you want to get together with her or not. "Ok, you got stuff going on. Well I'd still like to see you at some point." The really skilled people would throw in some genuine feeling here. That's the way people tallk if they aren't into this evasive mode you're in.

You evaded multiple times. If you are disappointed, say you're disappointed. If you're thinking something, tell her what you're thinking. That's the way mature relationships work. 

Seriously dude, you're not even telling the person that you want to see them. That's legit--if someone has a busy schedule but you really want to see them, tell them you really want to see them. They need to know that.

But this confusion makes sense because you guys are trying to reconcile and you seem to be spending each weekend together and still haven't decided things. That's strange to me. But the basic point is that when a couple makes a weekend visit almost required, then as soon as one person thinks, "I'd like time alone," there is a crisis. So you want to spend all this time with her, but you don't want to say you want to spend all this time with her. 

BTW: it's good to have someone who has other things going on in her life besides time with you. That's a vibrant partner. 

[Mrin]

12 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

Anyway, this weekend is the first weekend we didn't see each other. Last time I saw her was this past Thursday. She told me she had something going on Saturday evening and also something Sunday, so I said "I guess I won't be seeing you this weekend?" She said well after class (CrossFit) she doesn't have anything going on. So the night ended and during the day Friday she texted and asked if I wanted to play a game online together that night (she's a little bit of a gamer, I am a gamer), in my mind I wanted to see her but I just told her possibly. She asked why possibly and if I had plans, I said no I don't have plans but I guess we're not seeing each other this weekend? She said she's not sure unless we get together early Sunday morning and maybe do our grocery shopping then. I just told her we'll see but I don't want o commit to Sunday because I may want to sleep in. So 7:30pm comes around, around the time she usually gets home from her class and she sends me a random text about a game her bother told her about. So random I just replied "huh?". I didn't get a reply from her until two hours later just saying about the game her bother told her about. I didn't reply back and just said to myself whatever.

Saturday morning comes and I texted her "did you end up doing something last night?", she said yeah after her class her and a few others stayed, hung out and had some drinks then they all went to a bar and met some more people there. I got upset but just said "oh ok". She said if I was upset but I just said no. She asked if I thought anymore about Sunday morning and I told her I'm going to do my shopping later today. She replies "oh ok, I miss you", I replied "Miss you too".

Sunday morning she texted if I was awake, I said yeah. She replied I really wish I could just relax with you today, I replied I don't know what to say to that. She says I'm just letting you know I miss you. I said "I miss you too but I feel as if you could of balanced this a little better. You could of reached out Friday and said hey any thoughts of playing online together tonight, I know I didn't commit to it but I also didn't say no, I would of rather seen you Friday". She said she's sorry, she got the impression that I didn't want to. The plans she made happened around 5pm and it was all play by ear. I told her she could of reached out right then and there and found out if I made my mind up or not. She reply how dare I put the expectation back on her to circle back on that maybe, it wasn't up to her to communicate at that point. She asked for me to put herself in my shoes, I told her if I asked if you wanted to do something and said maybe, and other plans came up for me. I would of reached out and asked you if you made your mind up or not before I just assumed your maybe was a no or to see if you had something else in mind, she said wow you're unbelievable and if this is the way of expressing your feelings are hurt from Friday night, just tell me your feelings are hurt as opposed to telling me how I should have acted. 

Am I wrong for feeling she should have reached out? We haven't talked since that last text yesterday and that was before 2pm. I've been reading our text, her replies and what she says makes it look like it's all my fault and I'm the crazy one but I just don't feel that way. 

      

Hey OP! It seems like you're genuinely open to some coaching from us so I wanted to focus in on my initial post to you: that you're being incredibly passive aggressive. I asked whether you recognized it for a reason - because most people who are being passive aggressive don't recognize it. While it stands out a bright as day from a distance, when you're the one that's doing it it can be really hard to see. 

So, let's set aside right and wrong for a moment. Completely ignore whether either of you are right or wrong. Let's just look at your behavior. Because here's the thing, you can be right as rain but if your behavior is crap, it doesn't matter. There is no objective scoreboard when it comes to relationships. There's no arbiter of truth saying "Point - ItsTheDay". It is just you and your relationship partner. How you conduct yourself and how that conduct is received by her and vice versa is all that matters.

So what is passive aggressive behavior? Here's a pretty good definition I yanked off of some relationship counseling site.

Passive-aggressive behavior is an indirect way of expressing negative emotions where you do not communicate them directly. Instead of being overt about your anger or needs, you express them in a very passive manner. There is definitely hostility in this type of behavior, although it is often covert.

Okay, now I want you to look above. I've taken the liberty of bolding what I see as your passive aggressive behavior by you. You avoid ever expressing your feelings directly and instead use passive aggressive tactics to communicate them - essentially by punishing her. Even when directly confronted with them (her asking if you were upset) you denied them. And continued with this passive aggressive behavior. At one or two points she's being very open with her emotions and very vulnerable with you - by saying she misses you. You basically deflect it or give the whopper of them all "I don't know what to say to that".  Come on dude. 

When she can't take it anymore, she actually calls you out on it. "he said wow you're unbelievable and if this is the way of expressing your feelings are hurt from Friday night, just tell me your feelings are hurt as opposed to telling me how I should have acted." Holysmokes dude, this is loud and clear. 

Look man, how in the heck are you supposed to rebuild/reinvent an 8 year relationship with an ex if you can't even be open with your emotions with her? It is one thing to bottle up your emotions, but it is an entirely different thing lash out on your relationships partner with this behavior. It is hostile. It is unsafe. It is infuriating. It is impossible to deal with because you have a partner who refuses to show up and work through issues but still continues to punish you for the perceived transgressions. It is a no win situation and eventually, she'll just stop caring and give you the "it's not you, it's me" talk as a way of ending the insanity. It doesn't matter if you're ultimately "right" or not, you're still gonna lose the girl. 

I get it. You're way iffy on your relationship status. You've got 8 years of history with this lady. But you have no standing.... are you her boyfriend? Heck, you've only kissed her in this chapter. You feel like you're floating in limbo. I get it. Been there, done that. 

So... since you guys are in the reboot mode and you're both open to trying things differently, let me give you something to try on. What if you threw down the gauntlet and said something like, "you know, I haven't done a good job communicating my feelings. Like most men, I stink at doing that. I'll own that. What we're doing now isn't working. Let's try something different. Going forward, I pledge to be open with my feelings. If something pisses me off, I'll tell you. If something hurts, I'll say something. I vow to be open with you. Who knows, this might be awesome or it might end in disaster. But what we're doing now - this - this just doesn't work". And then do it. Be really open with your feelings. Meet her on the playing field. Be decisive with you wants. If you wanted to see her Friday - then tell her. Don't give her a maybe and leave it up to her to turn that into a yes or a no. Be really clear. Be vulnerable. 

Because, in the grand scheme of things, what do you have to lose? You're already well on your way of losing her a second time. Might as well try something different. What's the old saying? "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". Do something different. 

 

Best of luck man!

Mrin. 

[ItsTheDay]

7 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Hey OP! It seems like you're genuinely open to some coaching from us so I wanted to focus in on my initial post to you: that you're being incredibly passive aggressive. I asked whether you recognized it for a reason - because most people who are being passive aggressive don't recognize it. While it stands out a bright as day from a distance, when you're the one that's doing it it can be really hard to see. 

So, let's set aside right and wrong for a moment. Completely ignore whether either of you are right or wrong. Let's just look at your behavior. Because here's the thing, you can be right as rain but if your behavior is crap, it doesn't matter. There is no objective scoreboard when it comes to relationships. There's no arbiter of truth saying "Point - ItsTheDay". It is just you and your relationship partner. How you conduct yourself and how that conduct is received by her and vice versa is all that matters.

So what is passive aggressive behavior? Here's a pretty good definition I yanked off of some relationship counseling site.

Passive-aggressive behavior is an indirect way of expressing negative emotions where you do not communicate them directly. Instead of being overt about your anger or needs, you express them in a very passive manner. There is definitely hostility in this type of behavior, although it is often covert.

Okay, now I want you to look above. I've taken the liberty of bolding what I see as your passive aggressive behavior by you. You avoid ever expressing your feelings directly and instead use passive aggressive tactics to communicate them - essentially by punishing her. Even when directly confronted with them (her asking if you were upset) you denied them. And continued with this passive aggressive behavior. At one or two points she's being very open with her emotions and very vulnerable with you - by saying she misses you. You basically deflect it or give the whopper of them all "I don't know what to say to that".  Come on dude. 

When she can't take it anymore, she actually calls you out on it. "he said wow you're unbelievable and if this is the way of expressing your feelings are hurt from Friday night, just tell me your feelings are hurt as opposed to telling me how I should have acted." Holysmokes dude, this is loud and clear. 

Look man, how in the heck are you supposed to rebuild/reinvent an 8 year relationship with an ex if you can't even be open with your emotions with her? It is one thing to bottle up your emotions, but it is an entirely different thing lash out on your relationships partner with this behavior. It is hostile. It is unsafe. It is infuriating. It is impossible to deal with because you have a partner who refuses to show up and work through issues but still continues to punish you for the perceived transgressions. It is a no win situation and eventually, she'll just stop caring and give you the "it's not you, it's me" talk as a way of ending the insanity. It doesn't matter if you're ultimately "right" or not, you're still gonna lose the girl. 

I get it. You're way iffy on your relationship status. You've got 8 years of history with this lady. But you have no standing.... are you her boyfriend? Heck, you've only kissed her in this chapter. You feel like you're floating in limbo. I get it. Been there, done that. 

So... since you guys are in the reboot mode and you're both open to trying things differently, let me give you something to try on. What if you threw down the gauntlet and said something like, "you know, I haven't done a good job communicating my feelings. Like most men, I stink at doing that. I'll own that. What we're doing now isn't working. Let's try something different. Going forward, I pledge to be open with my feelings. If something pisses me off, I'll tell you. If something hurts, I'll say something. I vow to be open with you. Who knows, this might be awesome or it might end in disaster. But what we're doing now - this - this just doesn't work". And then do it. Be really open with your feelings. Meet her on the playing field. Be decisive with you wants. If you wanted to see her Friday - then tell her. Don't give her a maybe and leave it up to her to turn that into a yes or a no. Be really clear. Be vulnerable. 

Because, in the grand scheme of things, what do you have to lose? You're already well on your way of losing her a second time. Might as well try something different. What's the old saying? "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". Do something different. 

 

Best of luck man!

Mrin. 

This is what I needed to hear. Thank you!

[ThorntonMelon]

1 hour ago, Mrin said:

Hey OP! It seems like you're genuinely open to some coaching from us so I wanted to focus in on my initial post to you: that you're being incredibly passive aggressive. I asked whether you recognized it for a reason - because most people who are being passive aggressive don't recognize it. While it stands out a bright as day from a distance, when you're the one that's doing it it can be really hard to see. 

So, let's set aside right and wrong for a moment. Completely ignore whether either of you are right or wrong. Let's just look at your behavior. Because here's the thing, you can be right as rain but if your behavior is crap, it doesn't matter. There is no objective scoreboard when it comes to relationships. There's no arbiter of truth saying "Point - ItsTheDay". It is just you and your relationship partner. How you conduct yourself and how that conduct is received by her and vice versa is all that matters.

So what is passive aggressive behavior? Here's a pretty good definition I yanked off of some relationship counseling site.

Passive-aggressive behavior is an indirect way of expressing negative emotions where you do not communicate them directly. Instead of being overt about your anger or needs, you express them in a very passive manner. There is definitely hostility in this type of behavior, although it is often covert.

Okay, now I want you to look above. I've taken the liberty of bolding what I see as your passive aggressive behavior by you. You avoid ever expressing your feelings directly and instead use passive aggressive tactics to communicate them - essentially by punishing her. Even when directly confronted with them (her asking if you were upset) you denied them. And continued with this passive aggressive behavior. At one or two points she's being very open with her emotions and very vulnerable with you - by saying she misses you. You basically deflect it or give the whopper of them all "I don't know what to say to that".  Come on dude. 

When she can't take it anymore, she actually calls you out on it. "he said wow you're unbelievable and if this is the way of expressing your feelings are hurt from Friday night, just tell me your feelings are hurt as opposed to telling me how I should have acted." Holysmokes dude, this is loud and clear. 

Look man, how in the heck are you supposed to rebuild/reinvent an 8 year relationship with an ex if you can't even be open with your emotions with her? It is one thing to bottle up your emotions, but it is an entirely different thing lash out on your relationships partner with this behavior. It is hostile. It is unsafe. It is infuriating. It is impossible to deal with because you have a partner who refuses to show up and work through issues but still continues to punish you for the perceived transgressions. It is a no win situation and eventually, she'll just stop caring and give you the "it's not you, it's me" talk as a way of ending the insanity. It doesn't matter if you're ultimately "right" or not, you're still gonna lose the girl. 

I get it. You're way iffy on your relationship status. You've got 8 years of history with this lady. But you have no standing.... are you her boyfriend? Heck, you've only kissed her in this chapter. You feel like you're floating in limbo. I get it. Been there, done that. 

So... since you guys are in the reboot mode and you're both open to trying things differently, let me give you something to try on. What if you threw down the gauntlet and said something like, "you know, I haven't done a good job communicating my feelings. Like most men, I stink at doing that. I'll own that. What we're doing now isn't working. Let's try something different. Going forward, I pledge to be open with my feelings. If something pisses me off, I'll tell you. If something hurts, I'll say something. I vow to be open with you. Who knows, this might be awesome or it might end in disaster. But what we're doing now - this - this just doesn't work". And then do it. Be really open with your feelings. Meet her on the playing field. Be decisive with you wants. If you wanted to see her Friday - then tell her. Don't give her a maybe and leave it up to her to turn that into a yes or a no. Be really clear. Be vulnerable. 

Because, in the grand scheme of things, what do you have to lose? You're already well on your way of losing her a second time. Might as well try something different. What's the old saying? "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". Do something different. 

 

Best of luck man!

Mrin. 

+1

Your only shot. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

Also, you can call it a sport but it's more on par with recreational softball. Anybody can participate and anybody can be a coach, as long as you're liked enough. 

I am not here to argue semantics with you, nor your personal feelings about it. You clearly hold a lot of resentment towards it, which is masking the true problem. 

And that problem isn't CrossFit in and of itself. Its her lack of interest in you. 

[glows]

What is she doing about her drinking? It sounds like this group aids or enables her drinking problem when they're out together. She doesn't value you or your time overall and finding an outlet drinking, with her friends at this Crossfit is only an escape and a smokescreen for the fact that you both are just not on the same page. I think Expat's post about re-evaluating your goals as a couple is most important. You both don't seem aligned at all and a very big part of that may have to do with all the broken pieces of the past and not reconciling effectively enough to overcome the issues that once broke you both apart.

There is too much resentment brewing and Fri-Sun weekend time together is too much to sustain. Why not dial things back a little as a couple, find out what she's doing about her drinking, stop spending so much time joined at the hip all weekend including some weekdays to boot. Give yourselves more breathing room if only to rethink the relationship and figure out whether you both are compatible.

 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

Yes, same woman. 

Ok. Well you're completely moved out and that's a giant step away from the relationship. Prior to that it was separate bedrooms for 2 years.

So. It's not about texting or crossfit. It hasn't worked in years.

Right now you have the worst of both worlds. You're renting a room and grocery shopping together? 

Try to stop making your way back into her house. At best, you're friends.

You need to stop trying to fix and change her. As self destructive as her drinking and immersion in an unhealthy fitness fad is, it's her life.

Edited November 23, 2021 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

never mind

Edited November 23, 2021 by basil67

[assertives]

I feel like this isn't a crossfit problem. It's a her problem. All of those behaviours from her that irritates you is transferrable if she picks another sport/activity tomorrow. I feel like you shouldn't put too much focus on what crossfit is or isn't. But rather pay more attention to her actions and behaviours. It frankly sounds like you are an afterthought and last on her list of priorities.

[ItsTheDay]

The talk went good. We both agreed the we could of communicated better to one another.  

[ItsTheDay]

So now we're arguing about something else, or in a disagreement. So back when we first broke up, her best friend introduced her to a couple of her friends. Went out to a party at some guys house, this was almost 8 months ago. We'll call these two guys Tom and Jerry. Tom is a guy her best friend dated for a short time and Jerry is a friend of Tom. Jerry is the guys house they went to. Jerry reached out to her best friend and got her number, so that's how my ex and Jerry have been talking, so that's the story she gave me anyway. Two weekends ago she told me a little more about this guy Jerry, because he invited her and her friend to a Christmas party that's coming up. She said she's only going because her friend is going and he invited both of them. She told me a little more about this guy Jerry, and that she had to tell him on multiple occasions that she's not interested in him. I said so he's made it obvious that he wants more than friends with you? She said yeah and that he already slept with another friend of hers and he's also tried to sleep with her best friend, the same girl that also got invited to this party. She even told me that both of them did mess around a couple time, and her best friend has been in a relationship with a guy for the past 3 years and her current BF knows nothing about it. 

I told her well that's pretty messed up of her friend and I'm sure if her BF knew this he would not like it and she agrees but she wanted to tell me she's going to this party and she wants me to trust her. I asked her what about respect and she asked what I meant by that. She told me not too long ago that her heart is 100% in this and she wants it to work out, so I brought that up and told her I feel if you're heart is 100% in this, you would turn down that invite knowing this guys intentions is just sleeping with you or anyone else. I said this guy sounds like a toxic person so why would you want to continue to see him and bring him between us. She just keeps throwing in my face about trust, but I feel this is more about respect. I feel if she respected me and us she wouldn't continue to see or talk to another guy that has made it very clear that he wants her, giving the fact that she had to tell him multiple times that she doesn't want to sleep with him. She also mentioned that she only met him "like twice", I told her I don't buy that and if you only met him twice then you guys must text a lot. She made no comment on that other than I'm going to believe what I want to believe. I just said how else did this multiple occasions happen, most likely by text right. Her answer was I need to trust her.

I'm tired of her throwing this whole trust thing in my face like it's an excuse to do what she wants, It feels like a cop out.