Trying to rebuild, kind of got into an argument. Am I wrong?

[ItsTheDay]

So my ex of eight years and I have been working on rebuilding a relation, since the middle of June. We been going very slowly, so slow we finally just kissed each other last week. It's been pretty routine, we would spend one day maybe two days during the week together and usually the whole weekend (counting Friday), if the not the whole weekend it's usually Saturday and Sunday. On Saturdays, it's usually early AM until late that night, Sundays is usually mid to early afternoon until later that night.

Anyway, this weekend is the first weekend we didn't see each other. Last time I saw her was this past Thursday. She told me she had something going on Saturday evening and also something Sunday, so I said "I guess I won't be seeing you this weekend?" She said well after class (CrossFit) she doesn't have anything going on. So the night ended and during the day Friday she texted and asked if I wanted to play a game online together that night (she's a little bit of a gamer, I am a gamer), in my mind I wanted to see her but I just told her possibly. She asked why possibly and if I had plans, I said no I don't have plans but I guess we're not seeing each other this weekend? She said she's not sure unless we get together early Sunday morning and maybe do our grocery shopping then. I just told her we'll see but I don't want o commit to Sunday because I may want to sleep in. So 7:30pm comes around, around the time she usually gets home from her class and she sends me a random text about a game her bother told her about. So random I just replied "huh?". I didn't get a reply from her until two hours later just saying about the game her bother told her about. I didn't reply back and just said to myself whatever.

Saturday morning comes and I texted her "did you end up doing something last night?", she said yeah after her class her and a few others stayed, hung out and had some drinks then they all went to a bar and met some more people there. I got upset but just said "oh ok". She said if I was upset but I just said no. She asked if I thought anymore about Sunday morning and I told her I'm going to do my shopping later today. She replies "oh ok, I miss you", I replied "Miss you too".

Sunday morning she texted if I was awake, I said yeah. She replied I really wish I could just relax with you today, I replied I don't know what to say to that. She says I'm just letting you know I miss you. I said "I miss you too but I feel as if you could of balanced this a little better. You could of reached out Friday and said hey any thoughts of playing online together tonight, I know I didn't commit to it but I also didn't say no, I would of rather seen you Friday". She said she's sorry, she got the impression that I didn't want to. The plans she made happened around 5pm and it was all play by ear. I told her she could of reached out right then and there and found out if I made my mind up or not. She reply how dare I put the expectation back on her to circle back on that maybe, it wasn't up to her to communicate at that point. She asked for me to put herself in my shoes, I told her if I asked if you wanted to do something and said maybe, and other plans came up for me. I would of reached out and asked you if you made your mind up or not before I just assumed your maybe was a no or to see if you had something else in mind, she said wow you're unbelievable and if this is the way of expressing your feelings are hurt from Friday night, just tell me your feelings are hurt as opposed to telling me how I should have acted. 

Am I wrong for feeling she should have reached out? We haven't talked since that last text yesterday and that was before 2pm. I've been reading our text, her replies and what she says makes it look like it's all my fault and I'm the crazy one but I just don't feel that way. 

      

[ExpatInItaly]

This really is not about whether she reached by a certain time on a certain day. 

All of this is symptom of the big issue - whether or not you both genuinely want to try again. Building slowly since June is, well, indeed very slow. Surely you know by now whether it's what you both want. 

This reads to me that you want to get back together a lot more than she does, honestly. She's going along with it for now but when push comes to shove, she isn't as into it anymore. You two need to worry less about who's reaching out at what time, and a lot more about whether you even have the same goals here any longer. 

[introverted1]

45 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said:

during the day Friday she texted and asked if I wanted to play a game online together that night (she's a little bit of a gamer, I am a gamer), in my mind I wanted to see her but I just told her possibly. She asked why possibly and if I had plans, I said no I don't have plans but I guess we're not seeing each other this weekend?

She asked you if you wanted to play a game Friday night and you refused to agree because you were brooding over not being able to see her on the weekend.  If you later realised your mistake and wanted to see her Friday night, it was up to you to circle back, not her.

Is she someone who has been your ex for 8 years or someone you dated for 8 years and is recently an ex?  What led to the first breakup?

[ItsTheDay]

17 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

She asked you if you wanted to play a game Friday night and you refused to agree because you were brooding over not being able to see her on the weekend.  If you later realised your mistake and wanted to see her Friday night, it was up to you to circle back, not her.

Is she someone who has been your ex for 8 years or someone you dated for 8 years and is recently an ex?  What led to the first breakup?

We were together for eight years, we broke up the week after Easter this year. Break up was pretty much due to her joining CrossFit. 

Also, I didn't "refuse" to agree. I said possibly, I didn't say no. Let's say I did circle back to her, around the time I know she's done with her class. By then it would of been too late because she already made other plans around 5 that evening. Now if I did refuse, and told her no and then changed my mind later on yeah, that's different. 

Edited November 22, 2021 by ItsTheDay

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, ItsTheDay said:

We were together for eight years, we broke up the week after Easter this year. Break up was pretty much due to her joining CrossFit.

Huh?  What does Corssfit have to do with anything?

Quote

Friday she texted and asked if I wanted to play a game online together that night (she's a little bit of a gamer, I am a gamer), in my mind I wanted to see her but I just told her possibly. She asked why possibly and if I had plans, I said no I don't have plans but I guess we're not seeing each other this weekend?

 

Quote

Also, I didn't "refuse" to agree. I said possibly, I didn't say no.

You said "possibly" and when she asked for clarification, you returned to the topic of not seeing each other over the weekend.  My read is that you were unhappy that you weren't going to see her when you wanted so you refused to give a straight answer to the invitation she proffered. Again, ball was firmly in your court - she already invited you once and you're the one who left things hanging. Now you're mad because she made other plans.  What she did was entirely reasonable. 

 

[ItsTheDay]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

Huh?  What does Corssfit have to do with anything?

 

You said "possibly" and when she asked for clarification, you returned to the topic of not seeing each other over the weekend.  My read is that you were unhappy that you weren't going to see her when you wanted so you refused to give a straight answer to the invitation she proffered. Again, ball was firmly in your court - she already invited you once and you're the one who left things hanging. Now you're mad because she made other plans.  What she did was entirely reasonable. 

 

Just Google "CrossFit ruined my relationship" or "marriage". Also "CrossFit is a cult", if you care to know or if you're interested you can find a lot of stories and articles. 

I did say possibly but, she didn't ask for clarification as you put it. It wasn't like she demanded a yes or no answer, I said we'll see. As far as I was aware, she was going home after her class like she told me because she didn't have any plans. I feel as if out of respect, since she wants to rebuild our relationship, be a better person and work more on communication, she should of reached out when these other plans came about. In my mind her suggestion was still up in the air, since I didn't give her a definite no as an answer.  She should of reached out to me and see if I put anymore thought into her idea.

The fact is, I didn't say no. If I did reach out to her, let's say around 7ish when I know she's done her class, because my answer was "possibly" and "we'll see", and said "ok lets play". (not sure if you read this wrong, but I'll quote it again; "we'll see but I don't want to commit to Sunday because I may want to sleep in". We'll see was referring to playing the game later) It would of been too late, she already made other plans around 5 and didn't communicate that with me. 

Here's the thing, this has happened a few times with me during our relationship in the past. I would plan something for us and she would tell me she planned something with one of her friends but hasn't heard back from them if they can go or not, whether or not they can find a babysitter or they husband or boyfriend doesn't have any plans, or whatever. She would still be waiting on an answer from them. She would reach out to them a few times before committing plans with me. Why would this be any different?     

[introverted1]

She asked for Friday and you said "possibly." She did ask for clarification, as per your OP, but you wouldn't give her any.  You were too busy pouting about not being able to see her over the weekend.

She then suggested a way you could see each other on Sunday and, again, you didn't respond with a yes:  "I just told her we'll see but I don't want o commit to Sunday because I may want to sleep in."

So, basically, you are the one who put up the roadblocks on two separate occasions.  I think you wanted her to beg/pursue and now you're unhappy that she didn't.  Rather than looking at what you could have done differently to achieve the outcome you wanted, you're trying to turn this around so that it's her who mishandled the situation, when really it was you.  This is not an approach that is likely to help your attempted reconciliation.

Good luck.

 

[Mrin]

Hate to say it dude but you seem very passive aggressive in this relationship. Like off the charts. Do you recognize it?

[Ami1uwant]

What’s the difference of possibly and not likely?

[Calmandfocused]

32 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Hate to say it dude but you seem very passive aggressive in this relationship. Like off the charts. Do you recognize it?

Agree 100%. This behaviour will get you nowhere. Except a string of failed relationships Including this one. 
 

Learn to communicate your emotions differently. Stop punishing her for not reading your mind. She can’t do that. 
 

But she will leave you for good if you carry on doing what you’re doing. 

[ItsTheDay]

48 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

She asked for Friday and you said "possibly." She did ask for clarification, as per your OP, but you wouldn't give her any.  You were too busy pouting about not being able to see her over the weekend.

She then suggested a way you could see each other on Sunday and, again, you didn't respond with a yes:  "I just told her we'll see but I don't want o commit to Sunday because I may want to sleep in."

So, basically, you are the one who put up the roadblocks on two separate occasions.  I think you wanted her to beg/pursue and now you're unhappy that she didn't.  Rather than looking at what you could have done differently to achieve the outcome you wanted, you're trying to turn this around so that it's her who mishandled the situation, when really it was you.  This is not an approach that is likely to help your attempted reconciliation.

Good luck.

 

No, I didn't want her to beg. How just about every Friday goes is she'll let me know when she's on her way home and that's when I usually get ready to head over her house. Sometimes she won't even go to class and if I go to the gym, she'll tell me to come over when I'm home and showered. Sometimes she'll even tell me to grab a change of clothes and just shower over there. I guess I was more or so expecting her to let me know when she was on her way home and if I made my mind up. I would of asked if I could of came over instead and went from there. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said:

Sometimes she won't even go to class and if I go to the gym, she'll tell me to come over when I'm home and showered. 

Unfortunately on/off generates more chaos and misunderstanding like this.  Grocery shopping and showers is not dating or reconciling, it's just sort of hanging out.

Yes Crossfit has been called controversial and has been described as "cultish", however it's her who is driving that. It could have been any activity or passion.

 Try to get together in more definitive organized date-like ways if you hope to rekindle any sort of romance.

 Is this the same woman:

 

[smackie9]

I agree with the others, you gave very little interest in a compromise and gave her vague answers. So I don't blame her for going out and doing something for herself after her class. Nothing wrong with that. Then you proceed being passive/aggressive. You are not scoring any points here. I'm surprised she hasn't walked away yet.

[ItsTheDay]

15 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Agree 100%. This behaviour will get you nowhere. Except a string of failed relationships Including this one. 
 

Learn to communicate your emotions differently. Stop punishing her for not reading your mind. She can’t do that. 
 

But she will leave you for good if you carry on doing what you’re doing. 

 

57 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Hate to say it dude but you seem very passive aggressive in this relationship. Like off the charts. Do you recognize it?

I guess I don't recognize it. I know I do get cold but it's nothing personal. 

I don't even know what we are, sometimes I just feel like a cuddle buddy to her. I don't know exactly what she's going through, she doesn't tell me everything but she is seeking help with it. During our breakup she mentioned a few times that she has nothing to offer me or any man and she wants to focus on herself, this all came out of nowhere. I strongly believe CrossFit plays/played a big role. She's pushing 40 and the people she hangs out with from her class and in their early 20's. One girl is always texting her random things and always trying to facetime her in the middle of the night when she's drunk. She even says it gets real annoying when she blows her phone up at 2 in the morning, yet she allows it. When she went out this past Friday, she said one of the girls fathers had to come to the bar and pick her up because she was passed out drunk. 

My ex does have a drinking problem, she won't admit it she does but she'll hint that she does or knows she does. Just the other week she told me she was spending over $100 a week on alcohol and that's not including the drinks that are bought for her when she goes out, or the free drinks at parties and after her classes on Fridays. When our breakup was happening, her and my mother had a talk and my mother told her she's not in college anymore. 

I don't even know how I feel or what I'm allowed to feel since technically we're not together.     

[ItsTheDay]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately on/off generates more chaos and misunderstanding like this.  Grocery shopping and showers is not dating or reconciling, it's just sort of hanging out.

Yes Crossfit has been called controversial and has been described as "cultish", however it's her who is driving that. It could have been any activity or passion.

 Try to get together in more definitive organized date-like ways if you hope to rekindle any sort of romance.

 Is this the same woman:

 

Yes, same woman. 

[seapebbles]

Was all of this communication over text? If so, then that was your first mistake. I used to pull the same passive-agressive crap over text with my ex-boyfriend and later realized that a simple phone call to clarify what each other were thinking and feeling always helped. It's unfair of you to not tell her how you were really feeling and what your thoughts were until after everything had played out. You blindsided her on Sunday with your insecurities which you purposely failed to express at the time.

5 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

in my mind I wanted to see her but I just told her possibly.

 

5 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

I didn't reply back and just said to myself whatever.

 

5 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

I got upset but just said "oh ok". She said if I was upset but I just said no.

These examples of how you falsely represented to her what you were really thinking and feeling. 

Have the two of you taken the time to sit down face-to-face and talk about what's changed since your breakup to make your relationship successful this time around?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ItsTheDay said:

Just Google "CrossFit ruined my relationship" or "marriage". Also "CrossFit is a cult", if you care to know or if you're interested you can find a lot of stories and articles. 

 I do CrossFit. 

I also have no problem maintaining my relationship. So what were the issues you feel her sport of choice created?

[ItsTheDay]

12 minutes ago, seapebbles said:

Was all of this communication over text? If so, then that was your first mistake. I used to pull the same passive-agressive crap over text with my ex-boyfriend and later realized that a simple phone call to clarify what each other were thinking and feeling always helped. It's unfair of you to not tell her how you were really feeling and what your thoughts were until after everything had played out. You blindsided her on Sunday with your insecurities which you purposely failed to express at the time.

 

 

These examples of how you falsely represented to her what you were really thinking and feeling. 

Have the two of you taken the time to sit down face-to-face and talk about what's changed since your breakup to make your relationship successful this time around?

Yes, it was by text and I too also hate talking by text. Just this past Thursday her and I were talking somewhat about this. We were talking about how this would is turning out and how sad this generation is. I told her I miss the days of no cell phones and when you planned something with a friend, that plan was solid. 

We're going to talk tomorrow in person. 

[Girl Fade Away]

@ItsTheDayyour thread is entitled "Trying to rebuild, kind of got into an argument. Am I wrong?."  Every poster replied that YES you were wrong and explained why.  But you have refuted every post with more of your spin as to why you were NOT wrong.

If I may ask, what exactly are you looking for here?   Honest opinions that will enable you to learn and help you succeed in your relationship?  OR to remain stubbornly steadfast in your own version that will almost guarantee you failure?  

Good luck with your talk tomorrow.  Listen to what she has to say without getting defensive.  And with an open accepting mind..  Try and see things from HER perspective as well as your own.  Strive for understanding.  Hopefully she will do same.   That is how you resolve conflicts and avoid unnecessary confusion and drama. 

Edited November 22, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[ItsTheDay]

3 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

@ItsTheDayyour thread is entitled "Trying to rebuild, kind of got into an argument. Am I wrong?."  Every poster replied that YES you were wrong and explained why.  But you have refuted every post with more of your spin as to why you were NOT wrong.

If I may ask, what exactly are you looking for here?   Honest opinions that will enable you to learn and help you succeed in your relationship?  OR to remain stubbornly steadfast in your own version that will almost guarantee you failure?  

Good luck with your talk tomorrow.  Listen to what she has to say without getting defensive.  And with an open accepting mind.. Hopefully she will do same.  That is how you resolve conflicts and avoid unnecessary confusion and drama. 

I will listen and we usually do talk good and have good talks in person. 

I am prepared to tell her I could of done a better job at communicating and suggested we get together Friday night since her Saturday and Sunday we already planned. 

I kept going on and on because I still fell a certain kind of way, like I always come last. It's been that way in our relationship ever since she joined CrossFit. I hate to say this, and don't judge me for saying this because I know her better than anyone else here. Even if I did suggest we get together after her class and she agreed, knowing now what happened after her class it would of still happened. She would asked me if we could reschedule it another time, this has happened a few other times. I'm also now thinking this is another reason why I'm being cold, kind of like a trigger or something. I know if I bring this up, she'll agree with me and say you're probably right. This was also another topic she was seeking help with. I vividly remember something similar like this happening on her birthday. I never got to spend her actual birthday with her, her non CrossFit friends always won their plans over mine. Last year her birthday fell on a Sunday so I already figured she would go out with her non CrossFit friends on that day, so I made reservations for Saturday. Well, Friday she text me during work and said so my friends (non CrossFit) want to take me out to dinner drinks then dancing on Saturday and Sunday my gym is doing a get together after class for my birthday. I wasn't invited to neither of them, I got really pss'd when I found out that non members also came to the get together they had Sunday. I think I'm just venting now.       

[chillii]

l can understand then you feeling cagey with her at that time , given the way she seems to be and things she does and that she'd probably just have changed the plan or not shown up anyway or whatever later. But yeah , she did offer alternatives and it was still sort of game'ish , and that would usually backfire. But at the same time l can see why now you might've held back.

But 40s , still all the friends, bars and boozing, partying , well ea to their own but it's just that she doesn't sound all that committal or relationship orientated , matured , still living her 20s. l mean it won't work if you have to ask her talk her into not living that way, she has to want to, has to want you guys and your life together, a real relationship , as apposed to living like that. BC as a real couple that's not gonna work out unless you both like still living like that,  some do , butttt. You guys need to work out what she truly wants first of all and does she even really want a real relationship and to build a future together. Does she love you ?

 

Edited November 22, 2021 by chillii

[ItsTheDay]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 I do CrossFit. 

I also have no problem maintaining my relationship. So what were the issues you feel her sport of choice created?

It wasn't bad for the first couple months when she joined, but when she got in with the "cool group" she completely changed. Does your gym (or box) use that Wodify app? She was always on that app from the time she got home from class until she was tired and wanted to go to bed. She got involved with the group chat and was always on it. When we went to visit my parents for Easter, even my mother had to tell her to put her phone away and spend time with the family. It was really unlike her to spend that much time on her phone while we drove 3 hours away to visit my family for a holiday. Friday nights turned into her hanging out after her class and drink with people there, which never made sense to me. Her outfits completely changed, she had to get the "No Bull" brand of clothing and shoes because that's what CrossFitters wear. She had to buy rolls of that stupid tape to tape her hands up, because no CrossFitters wear gloves. Then she started getting depressed because she doesn't feel confident enough to wear what actual CrossFit girls wear. You know, short shots and sports bra pretty much. This was so not her, when we use to workout together at a gym, she would always ask me if I could see this or that in the pants she wore. She didn't like anything see through or too tight down there between her legs. I went to dinner once with her CrossFit friends, and it was just weird. All they talked about was CrossFit, I would try to change the subject but none were having it and just looked at me like I had two heads. She even tried changing the subject. There was only one other guy there and would not shut up about his workout and the WOD he completed. I got fed up and said well if you never told me about you workout, I would of never guessed you worked out. Even after that dinner she apologized and said we both tried to talk about something else.      

Not to mention, all the nights she would come home in pain. Sleeping and sitting on a heating pad. All the doctor appointments, X-Rays and so on for her shoulders. It's unhealthy lifting and a joke but they suck you in with a support group and cult like atmosphere.  

Edited November 22, 2021 by ItsTheDay

[basil67]

@ItsTheDay I have a different view to most of what's been written here.  Why are you trying and get back together with a woman who 'always makes you come last'?   You broke up over her exercise routine and it's still an issue.  Why do you expect a different outcome?

Regarding her communication and making time for you: at this point, she's not your girlfriend and doesn't owe you anything.  She's not obliged to communicate better and she's not obliged to make time for you.   And given that she's not going out of her way to make things easy, I suspect that if she does return, it will be with an attitude of "take me as I am or leave me alone"  (as is her prerogative).   

Frankly, I think you should leave it and find someone who better meets your needs.

Edited November 22, 2021 by basil67

[ItsTheDay]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 I do CrossFit. 

I also have no problem maintaining my relationship. So what were the issues you feel her sport of choice created?

Also, you can call it a sport but it's more on par with recreational softball. Anybody can participate and anybody can be a coach, as long as you're liked enough. You don't need to hold any certificates or know anything about the human body, which is a joke to me. My ex even made a comment about this when they made some girl a coach that was in her foundation class when she first tried it out. My ex went to college for exercise science and she'll even admit most of the workouts are inadequate and she'll scale to what she knows is best. That only lasted for a little bit, though. She was working on doing actual pullups, but they all convinced her that's not how they do pullups. This is when she started having shoulder issues, with those inadequate kipping pullups. Add all the snatches and whatever else is inadequate, they all played apart in her shoulder injuries.  

[ItsTheDay]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@ItsTheDay I have a different view to most of what's been written here. 

Why are you trying and get back together with a woman who's lifestyle, choices and communication don't suit you.?  At this point, she's not your girlfriend and doesn't owe you anything.  She's not obliged to communicate better and she's not obliged to fit you into her life.   And given that she's not going out of her way to make things easy, I suspect she's not dedicated to making it work.  

At this point, your choice is to take her as she is or walk away.  Frankly, I think you should leave it and find someone who better meets your needs.

From the outside looking in and the little but of information here, I totally understand that. We've had talks, reevaluate where we are with each other. Agree we like how things are going and to keep things up. She tells me she wants to continue working on herself and it can only better her relationship with me. She knows the areas she needs to work on and she's seeking help on that. She knows and she admitted she has selfish ways. The night she kissed me, she told me she's hopeful about us.