So I think I might have been rejected?

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Sgthaytham said:

I didn't lash out at her, that suggests I shouted, but yeah it was a terrible thing to say to her. 

There's nothing I can do about her now though, she's gone. She ended it with me and I haven't heard anything from her since. 

The good news is that you recognize this pattern for yourself.

I also get anxious sometimes.

That's why maybe you can start working towards addressing it.

There's a chance you'll hear from her, but it's also possible you won't.

All-in-all - this seemed like a foot in the mouth situation.

The world has seen worse things. 

 

[Sgthaytham]

6 hours ago, Alpaca said:

The good news is that you recognize this pattern for yourself.

I also get anxious sometimes.

That's why maybe you can start working towards addressing it.

There's a chance you'll hear from her, but it's also possible you won't.

All-in-all - this seemed like a foot in the mouth situation.

The world has seen worse things. 

 

Yeah, sure it has. To me, though, probably one of the worst things I've done to myself in quite some time. 

On the positive side, despite this making me feel like absolute crap, it ended it pretty amicably. No begging, pleading, shouting or anything. 

Obviously it was just gut wrenching and I didn't want to accept it, but there's nothing I can do. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Sgthaytham said:

Yeah, sure it has. To me, though, probably one of the worst things I've done to myself in quite some time. 

On the positive side, despite this making me feel like absolute crap, it ended it pretty amicably. No begging, pleading, shouting or anything. 

Obviously it was just gut wrenching and I didn't want to accept it, but there's nothing I can do. 

I am with you on that.

Being vulnerable and letting the other person understand this side of you isn't easy, but letting them in can help break those ingrained patterns. Like "hey, I just want you to know that sometimes I feel anxious, it's not a reflection on you - it's just a reflection on me at certain times."

It may not always be easy, but it might be worth a try.

[Drone]

OP, you are only 27, isn't  it too early for  ED?

I'd like to draw the attention to your cruelty towards women. It is unacceptable to blame a woman for your own incapacity to perform, or ditch a woman you were in relationship with, out of the blue without saying a word (your previous ex). This is cruel. You should not punish women for your own physical and emotional problems around intimacy. You need to apologise to the Brazilien lady that you hurt and the one before her that you hurt as well. You live in civil society with other people and it is not ok to walk around and dish out destruction to women who happen to become intimate with you. The hurt that you cause does leave scars. Your most recent Brazilien ex was nothing, but kind and generous with you, according to your own words. How did she deserve the hurt you caused her? You need to apologise to her, like a decent man would do. But not recoil and hide like a coward and only think about yourself (oh poor me boo-hoo), as you are doing now.

 From a bystander point of view, your actions look weird and malicious.

Before you address your physical and mental issues, you should not be dating. Or if you do, please be honest with women from the start and tell them that "hey, I have a problem down there. I am very insecure which causes me to blame you for my impotency, and I also will ghost you after several months of dating without a word, because intimacy scares me".

As George Carlin said: "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy, is that men a stupid." It is enough for a perfectly fine woman to date one or two guys like you, OP, who will blame her for his own problems, to bring her down from her awesome self. I am glad the Brzilien girl had enough self-preservation instinct and self respect, to dump a weird, selfish man who tries to hurt her, because of his own problems. 

  

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, Drone said:

OP, you are only 27, isn't  it too early for  ED?

I'd like to draw the attention to your cruelty towards women. It is unacceptable to blame a woman for your own incapacity to perform, or ditch a woman you were in relationship with, out of the blue without saying a word (your previous ex). This is cruel. You should not punish women for your own physical and emotional problems around intimacy. You need to apologise to the Brazilien lady that you hurt and the one before her that you hurt as well. You live in civil society with other people and it is not ok to walk around and dish out destruction to women who happen to become intimate with you. The hurt that you cause does leave scars. Your most recent Brazilien ex was nothing, but kind and generous with you, according to your own words. How did she deserve the hurt you caused her? You need to apologise to her, like a decent man would do. But not recoil and hide like a coward and only think about yourself (oh poor me boo-hoo), as you are doing now.

 From a bystander point of view, your actions look weird and malicious.

Before you address your physical and mental issues, you should not be dating. Or if you do, please be honest with women from the start and tell them that "hey, I have a problem down there. I am very insecure which causes me to blame you for my impotency, and I also will ghost you after several months of dating without a word, because intimacy scares me".

As George Carlin said: "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy, is that men a stupid." It is enough for a perfectly fine woman to date one or two guys like you, OP, who will blame her for his own problems, to bring her down from her awesome self. I am glad the Brzilien girl had enough self-preservation instinct and self respect, to dump a weird, selfish man who tries to hurt her, because of his own problems. 

  

Great advice.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

I didn't lash out at her, that suggests I shouted, but yeah it was a terrible thing to say to her. 

You did take your failure to perform out on her. Yes leave her alone. Next time take care of your situational ED. 

Try to not let your ego get in your own way this much. It's ok to want short term casual relationships, it not ok to make nasty remarks because you were too tired, drunk or anxious to get it up.

[amerikajin]

On 1/4/2022 at 8:33 AM, Sgthaytham said:

I don't know what came across me. It was a terrible thing to say, I know. It was weak and insecure from me, and probably made her feel like absolute crap. 

Insecurities are relationship killers - full stop.

You need to speak with a therapist about this, or at least read about it on websites like PsychologyToday. I'm not suggesting that there's something 'wrong' with you. I speak from experience on this. 

The good news is, this is a broken relationship and not a broken marriage or a broken family with three kids and in-laws you've always loved.

[amerikajin]

8 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

Yeah, sure it has. To me, though, probably one of the worst things I've done to myself in quite some time. 

Yeah, well imagine how she feels. You're not the victim, she is. You initiated this. She 'broke up' with you to protect herself from further harm. As Drone said, you inflicted cruelty upon her, and apparently other women. I don't think you're inherently a bad person. You clearly have some remorse, but you simultaneously need to accept that you can be an abusive person in relationships. I'm not judging; I speak from experience on this as well. I've been insecure and, at times, had temperamental problems because of it, and I've gotten some help to deal with it, which you should as well. You need to understand why you're doing this - not to yourself but to other people.

You're finding out the hard way (as I have) that there's accountability in relationships, and your now-ex is holding you accountable, which she should. Don't expect or ask for her to take you back in. She's invested very little time in your now-deceased relationship so there's absolutely no reason to try and salvage it from where she stands. 

Quote

On the positive side, despite this making me feel like absolute crap, it ended it pretty amicably. No begging, pleading, shouting or anything. 

It seems like you're trying to find a silver lining here, but this is frankly unimpressive. You're focusing on your feelings and your losses. "Wow, I screwed up!" What about the feelings of others? What about the fact she's probably freaked out and will undoubtedly have a harder time trusting guys in the future, not knowing if she'll end up with a guy who will traumatize her just as she's getting comfortable with intimacy? Have you thought about that? You should.

Quote

Obviously it was just gut wrenching and I didn't want to accept it, but there's nothing I can do. 

The best thing you can do is leave her alone. If you have any contact with her in the future (which I don't recommend) maybe you could send her an email or letter in the future in which you acknowledge the potential harm you've caused and that you are really and truly sorry for that. And that she did nothing wrong and nothing to deserve what you said to her, that you've got issues you're trying to work on, and that you wish her well.

[Jonttu]

1 hour ago, amerikajin said:

The best thing you can do is leave her alone. If you have any contact with her in the future (which I don't recommend) maybe you could send her an email or letter in the future in which you acknowledge the potential harm you've caused and that you are really and truly sorry for that. And that she did nothing wrong and nothing to deserve what you said to her, that you've got issues you're trying to work on, and that you wish her well.

 

From a woman's perspective; there is nothing more heart-melting than have a guy show his vulnerability, telling her how his comment was not something he wanted, it was because he was afraid of losing her.

If OP manages to invalidate the phrase of seeing other people, due to his fears of losing her, I bet she would come running in OP's arms.

She is now thinking that she is not enough and OP has his eyes set on someone else. Only OP can make it right again.

[Sgthaytham]

11 hours ago, amerikajin said:

Yeah, well imagine how she feels. You're not the victim, she is. You initiated this. She 'broke up' with you to protect herself from further harm. As Drone said, you inflicted cruelty upon her, and apparently other women. I don't think you're inherently a bad person. You clearly have some remorse, but you simultaneously need to accept that you can be an abusive person in relationships. I'm not judging; I speak from experience on this as well. I've been insecure and, at times, had temperamental problems because of it, and I've gotten some help to deal with it, which you should as well. You need to understand why you're doing this - not to yourself but to other people.

You're finding out the hard way (as I have) that there's accountability in relationships, and your now-ex is holding you accountable, which she should. Don't expect or ask for her to take you back in. She's invested very little time in your now-deceased relationship so there's absolutely no reason to try and salvage it from where she stands. 

It seems like you're trying to find a silver lining here, but this is frankly unimpressive. You're focusing on your feelings and your losses. "Wow, I screwed up!" What about the feelings of others? What about the fact she's probably freaked out and will undoubtedly have a harder time trusting guys in the future, not knowing if she'll end up with a guy who will traumatize her just as she's getting comfortable with intimacy? Have you thought about that? You should.

The best thing you can do is leave her alone. If you have any contact with her in the future (which I don't recommend) maybe you could send her an email or letter in the future in which you acknowledge the potential harm you've caused and that you are really and truly sorry for that. And that she did nothing wrong and nothing to deserve what you said to her, that you've got issues you're trying to work on, and that you wish her well.

Thanks for that. 

What do you mean by she invested very little time?

How would you know that?

[Sgthaytham]

10 hours ago, Jonttu said:

From a woman's perspective; there is nothing more heart-melting than have a guy show his vulnerability, telling her how his comment was not something he wanted, it was because he was afraid of losing her.

If OP manages to invalidate the phrase of seeing other people, due to his fears of losing her, I bet she would come running in OP's arms.

She is now thinking that she is not enough and OP has his eyes set on someone else. Only OP can make it right again.

I really do want to apologise for my appalling behaviour and comment towards her. 

I just don't think she really wants to hear it now. 

We haven't spoken since the break up, and I imagine it'll stay like that. 

She probably wants space and time away. 

Of course, if she does reach out, I would apologise whole heartedly and not hold anything back. 

[Jonttu]

5 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

I really do want to apologise for my appalling behaviour and comment towards her. 

I just don't think she really wants to hear it now. 

We haven't spoken since the break up, and I imagine it'll stay like that. 

She probably wants space and time away. 

Of course, if she does reach out, I would apologise whole heartedly and not hold anything back. 

Trust me, it can be devastating for a woman to hear her love tell, that they should see other people.

Pillow talk, that is when you are most vulnerable, almost shy. Words can be like daggers if they are interpreted the wrong way. Didn't she say that she was not willing to continue? Obviously she meant that she didn't want to share you or be someone on the side, thinking you are going to pursue someone you love more and keep her hanging waiting for crumbs?!

Had I been in her place, I would have said the same thing to you. , no matter how painful it would have been to me.  Rather alone, than not knowing if the guy loves me or not.

What do you have to lose anymore, isn't she worth taking a risk? Nothing fancy, just that you blurted out something you did not mean at all, because of loving her too much and because you wanted to shield yourself from suffering... because she is ABSOLUTELY AWESOME. Isn't love worth taking the risk, especially when you feel you have lost her?

She is probably suffering also and having a low sense of herself right now. She won't reach out to you, it would be too painful and humiliating to her. Which is why you my friend, you hold all the cards and the ball is in your court.

You only have to make it right again, tell that you want to be exclusive with her, that you have never felt this strong and deep for a woman before, that you want to give her space and tell her she can contact you when and if she wants - then you hang up.

Is she a risk worth taking? Because when she contacts you - without you contacting her first - it will be when she is over you and feels nothing for you. Hence acting now is crucial!!!

EDIT: Isn't she living with a guy who has the hots for her? Please act quickly.

Edited January 15, 2022 by Jonttu

[Calmandfocused]

My view is that if the Op feels anything for this lady at all, the fairest thing to do would be to leave her alone. This woman has concluded that op is not for her based on his behaviour. This decision should be respected IMO. 
 

TBH my view is that Op had the wrong attitude to her from the very first date. The expression: “you reap what you sow” comes to mind. 
 

Op, I do not want to make you feel worse than what you already do but you need to own your mistakes. Take responsibility. 
 

We could all “excuse” our bad behaviour by reasons such as bad childhood, bad experiences, insecurities, trauma etc but there has to come a time in life where we have to accept responsibility, and OWN the choices that we make in life. And how those choices affect other people. 
 

You made bad choices here. No need to beat yourself up for it but you do need to learn from it. Otherwise you will experience the same cycle over and over again. 

 

[amerikajin]

6 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

Thanks for that. 

What do you mean by she invested very little time?

How would you know that?

How long did your relationship last - a few weeks or months? That's not enough time invested to forgive the mistakes you've made - at least for most well-adjusted women. For insecure women who need a man in their life to give them an identity they don't already have? Yeah, they could probably forgive that kind of behavior on a first date. 

But here's the thing: you don't want that kind of weak woman, right? You want a normal woman, a strong woman, a woman who will make you a better person. You will not keep one like that unless you address your insecurities. I would consider a few therapy sessions - maybe 3 - 6 sessions - and get right down to brass tacks about how you behave in relationships and ask the therapist why you do this. I think this could help you a lot.

[amerikajin]

6 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

I really do want to apologise for my appalling behaviour and comment towards her. 

I just don't think she really wants to hear it now. 

We haven't spoken since the break up, and I imagine it'll stay like that. 

She probably wants space and time away. 

Of course, if she does reach out, I would apologise whole heartedly and not hold anything back. 

If you have any kind of contact with her, it should only be to apologize and to reassure her that what happened was completely, 100% YOUR fault, not hers. 

I discourage you from contacting her, not because it's not the right thing to do - it actually is. But because if for some reason she accepts your apology and has a change of heart, she's opening herself up to being manipulated. 

I'll be blunt: you need to change yourself as a person before you actually contact her again. Apologizing is important. But changing your outlook is even more important than an apology at this point. Once you've seen a therapist and really understand what's going on, then maybe you can write an email in which you express true remorse, not for what you've lost but for how you've probably made her feel.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

, if she does reach out, I would apologise whole heartedly and not hold anything back. 

Agree. Leave her alone. If she wanted to contact you she knows your contact info.

Just move forward and do better next time regarding situational ED.

[Drone]

Why should she contact him? He created the mess, it is on him to man up, take responsibility and send an apology. Not to win her back, but to undo the damage he caused. To reassure her that she is one fine young woman, and he acted poorly, out of his selfishness and deeply seeded shame.

I see OP is trying to find all sorts of excuses as to why it is up to her to contact him. This is not because he thinks for her well-being, but because this is his normal modus operandis. The same like with the previous woman, he would hurt women (and he does it willingly) and then goes into hiding/ghosting, inventing rationalisations that 'well, it is what it is, I cannot do anything, I will move on (on to my next victim)'. Once again he confirms that he is not a man enough to take responsibility for his poor actions, and to make ammends.

If he wanted to apologise, he has had ample opportunites to do so, because they met up after the incident and went to a party together. The Brzilien lady acted like a saint and took him in her bed again. I am certain that all that time she was waiting for his apology. Which never came. What he did instead was to try to hump her again, totally uninterested of how she might feel in the wake of his cruel remarks. At that moment, he was only thinking if his little flacid willie will work and for him she was just a plastic doll to test on her  his underperforming organ. Not even for a second he thought he owes her an apology. So selfish, pathetic and arrogant. 

Now, that he got dumped, all of a sudden he says that he would apologise. Frenchy, why didn't you aplogise to her when you saw her after the incident? You know that you are too arrogant, selfish and coward and that you will never apologise, because it does take a courage and manliness to admit mistakes. Manliness and courage that you obviously do not possess. Your inner world is dominated by your fears that you are not a man enough and that women who get involved with you will see how insufficient you are. The only way you know how to deal with your shame, is to toss it onto the woman who witnesses your failure as a man. You want her to take your own shame, because you cannot bear it. You absolutely need to see menatl specialist, because you hurt people, and what is worst is that you do not even care. 

Edited January 15, 2022 by Drone

[Sgthaytham]

4 hours ago, Jonttu said:

Trust me, it can be devastating for a woman to hear her love tell, that they should see other people.

Pillow talk, that is when you are most vulnerable, almost shy. Words can be like daggers if they are interpreted the wrong way. Didn't she say that she was not willing to continue? Obviously she meant that she didn't want to share you or be someone on the side, thinking you are going to pursue someone you love more and keep her hanging waiting for crumbs?!

Had I been in her place, I would have said the same thing to you. , no matter how painful it would have been to me.  Rather alone, than not knowing if the guy loves me or not.

What do you have to lose anymore, isn't she worth taking a risk? Nothing fancy, just that you blurted out something you did not mean at all, because of loving her too much and because you wanted to shield yourself from suffering... because she is ABSOLUTELY AWESOME. Isn't love worth taking the risk, especially when you feel you have lost her?

She is probably suffering also and having a low sense of herself right now. She won't reach out to you, it would be too painful and humiliating to her. Which is why you my friend, you hold all the cards and the ball is in your court.

You only have to make it right again, tell that you want to be exclusive with her, that you have never felt this strong and deep for a woman before, that you want to give her space and tell her she can contact you when and if she wants - then you hang up.

Is she a risk worth taking? Because when she contacts you - without you contacting her first - it will be when she is over you and feels nothing for you. Hence acting now is crucial!!!

EDIT: Isn't she living with a guy who has the hots for her? Please act quickly.

She isn't anymore, from what I understand from our mutual friend. He's left. 

I don't think she would contact me if she was over me. 

Like I've said, I think she needs time and space right now. 

[Sgthaytham]

Also, I think the last thing she wants right now is a message from me. 

Besides, she ended it with me, she doesn't want to hear anything from me anymore. 

I'm not making excuses, it's reality. Surely you would agree, if you broke up with someone, you're done with them and you definitely wouldn't want to hear from them again. 

Edited January 15, 2022 by Sgthaytham

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

Also, I think the last thing she wants right now is a message from me. 

Besides, she ended it with me, she doesn't want to hear anything from me anymore. 

I'm not making excuses, it's reality. Surely you would agree, if you broke up with someone, you're done with them and you definitely wouldn't want to hear from them again. 

Dude, ^^no disrespect but you've got fear oozing out of every pore.

I'm beginning to think you are actually relieved it's over!

Sure you're hurt and lonely, but the alternative - actually being in the relationship, living it, was causing you so much anxiety and fear, that being hurt and lonely is the far better choice. .

It's a 'safe' place for you so of course you're gonna tell yourself not reaching out is the best thing, for her.  Which is a bunch of you know what. 

Start getting honest, it's the best thing for YOU because you're too scared to take a risk, to express your honest emotions to her and humbly apologize for saying something that was monumentally stupid, that you didn't even mean!  

No matter what the outcome. 

Good luck with that.

 

Edited January 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

Right now, as it stands, there is nothing I can do other than do what she wants: Give her space. 

Sure, keep telling yourself that. Stay in that 'safe' place. 

It's never EVER too late to reach out and apologize to someone you KNOW you hurt.  Not with the intention of getting back together but because it's a kind thing to do. And because you CARE.

That is NOT stalking, that's just another excuse for you to NOT take a risk and stay in that safe place. 

Edited January 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[Sgthaytham]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Sure, keep telling yourself that. Stay in that 'safe' place. 

It's never EVER too late to reach out and apologize to someone you KNOW you hurt.  Not with the intention of getting back together but because it's a kind thing to do. 

That is NOT stalking, that's just another excuse for you to NOT take a risk and stay in that safe place. 

You seem to be forgetting one thing. You're just assuming that an apology will come across as fundamentally good. 

You don't know how she'll react, I certainly don't, and no one here does either. 

She might take it the right way, but she might take it the wrong way, because she may interpret it as me reaching out to try and get her back - Yeah, I know you think this is BS, but it really isn't. 

I appreciate your effort and advice, but I'm not going down that road again only for it to be thrown back at me. 

 

 

[elaine567]

She dumped you.
I would forget her and keep moving on.

I agree your "apology" may not be well received. She may have not dumped you for that anyway.
Only she knows why she really dumped you.
Let sleeping dogs lie.
Next time try to put yourself in the shoes of the other person before you let rip and blow things up.
Empathy...

[amerikajin]

15 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

You seem to be forgetting one thing. You're just assuming that an apology will come across as fundamentally good. 

I see a lot of perception management going on here. You've expressed regret here, but it's not the kind of regret that's really reassuring. It's more like "God, how did I sabotage another relationship? Poor me." I agree, don't apologize - not until you actually mean it. And by 'mean it', I mean expressing remorse for the way you made her feel. 

It's good that you have acknowledged your shortcomings - that's a start. But you also have to appreciate the impact that your shortcomings have on other people, and I'm not sure you're quite there yet.

 

Quote

You don't know how she'll react, I certainly don't, and no one here does either. 

 

The times in life when I've known I've screwed up, I've apologized and there have been plenty of times when I've not been sure how someone would take it. But that never mattered. You don't avoid apologies because you're worried about the reaction. You don't apologize when you feel it's 'safe'. You apologize when you know you've hurt someone. An apology probably won't make her forget the experience, but just maybe it reassures her that she's not going crazy and that she's not the one who screwed up. Experiences like these can make people doubt themselves for no reason.

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

You seem to be forgetting one thing. You're just assuming that an apology will come across as fundamentally good. 

You don't know how she'll react, I certainly don't, and no one here does either. 

She might take it the right way, but she might take it the wrong way, because she may interpret it as me reaching out to try and get her back - Yeah, I know you think this is BS, but it really isn't. 

I appreciate your effort and advice, but I'm not going down that road again only for it to be thrown back at me. 

 

 

You should NOT be apologizing to get a reaction OR to get back together. 

You apologize because you said something stupid and hurtful, and because you care.

Yes she dumped you but it was a "forced dump."  Had you NOT lied telling her you wanted to date other women, she might not have dumped you. 

You facilitated it.

Again, it is NEVER too late to say I'm sorry and wholeheartedly disagree with anyone who believes it is.  

I've never heard of that, not apologizing to someone when you know you've hurt them regardless of the outcome. 

I have had ex's come back months, YEARS later to apologize!  And I always ALWAYS appreciated it.

It left me with good positive feelings every single time. 

But I get it.  You're too afraid of her "reaction," of the outcome.  

I'm sorry but that is cowardly imo, but carry on on your safe little bubble, if that makes you happy.