Author Sgthaytham Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 22 minutes ago, poppyfields said: That's how it typically goes believe it or not, it's pretty common. Starts out fast and furious, then once reality sets in usually around 2-3 months in, that's when fears start surfacing, and it ends as fast as it started. I am wondering if she struggles with the same or similar fears. Her comment "We are going somewhere that I don't like" is quite telling. I only ask because people with such fears tend to attract each other like bees to honey. The book I recommended explains this further in more detail if you're interested. Yeah but then there's me who's anxious from the very start. All I got from her message was "I'm not feeling it anymore, all the best goodbye"
Alpacalia Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 1 hour ago, Sgthaytham said: She did mention "We are going somewhere that I don't like" too. Not sure what she meant by this. At this point I think the best course of action is to give her some space and not pursue. Well, she was kind of right, all things considered. 1
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said: Yeah but then there's me who's anxious from the very start. All I got from her message was "I'm not feeling it anymore, all the best goodbye" My only advice is read the book Sgthaytham. I think it might really help you. Your anxiety, her comment/reaction, it's ALL in there, plus so much more. All the best while you figure all this out, be patient with yourself while you do... It's a brand new year, make a commitment to yourself that you will begin the process of understanding and making changes. It's a start anyway, otherwise like I said, this self-sabotaging will become a repeat pattern for you.... Edited January 4, 2022 by poppyfields
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 Just now, Alpaca said: Well, she was kind of right, all things considered. What do you mean?
Calmandfocused Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 I’m very sorry to hear this Op. My view on it is that she saw your obvious loss regarding another woman as a serious red flag. Im also reading something into her comment about you forgetting your card. Taking this comment into account and the opening to this thread, would you consider that there was an imbalance financially, that she was aware of it, and was getting fed up with it? These two reasons combined could have been the reason why she chose to opt out at this point.
princessaurora Posted January 5, 2022 Posted January 5, 2022 Are you sure there wasn't something triggered with her friend? You said you went to the friend's house. Did you pay a lot of attention to her or flirt with her possibly? It just seems like she took such a drastic right after that.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 11, 2022 Author Posted January 11, 2022 On 1/5/2022 at 6:07 PM, princessaurora said: Are you sure there wasn't something triggered with her friend? You said you went to the friend's house. Did you pay a lot of attention to her or flirt with her possibly? It just seems like she took such a drastic right after that. Nothing of the sort!
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 11, 2022 Author Posted January 11, 2022 On 1/4/2022 at 8:37 PM, Calmandfocused said: I’m very sorry to hear this Op. My view on it is that she saw your obvious loss regarding another woman as a serious red flag. Im also reading something into her comment about you forgetting your card. Taking this comment into account and the opening to this thread, would you consider that there was an imbalance financially, that she was aware of it, and was getting fed up with it? These two reasons combined could have been the reason why she chose to opt out at this point. I don't really see what you're implying about the card? Her comment was meant as a joke/tease You're right about me discussing about the other woman and that I said we should see other people... That was a a serious red flag for her I'm sure.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 11, 2022 Author Posted January 11, 2022 This has been the hardest week of my life so far. I feel completely numb. It feels a lot more different to my other break ups... Ive been no contact since the break up. A big part of me does want us to try again... But I don't think there's any hope
Alpacalia Posted January 12, 2022 Posted January 12, 2022 1 hour ago, Sgthaytham said: You're right about me discussing about the other woman and that I said we should see other people... That was a a serious red flag for her I'm sure. I'm really not sure what motivated you to say such a thing.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 12, 2022 Author Posted January 12, 2022 19 minutes ago, Alpaca said: I'm really not sure what motivated you to say such a thing. Im not even sure myself. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but the night I said it, we were in bed together. I've noticed an issue down there (this is before I met her) and I struggle to maintain it. Its really frustrating to me, and in that moment I lost it. I can imagine she was thinking I was taking it out on her. Then when I told her that we should see other people it made it a hundred fold worse. I wanted nothing of the sort, please believe me, you must have seen through my previous posts that I was falling for her.
Alpacalia Posted January 12, 2022 Posted January 12, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, Sgthaytham said: Then when I told her that we should see other people it made it a hundred fold worse. I wanted nothing of the sort, please believe me, you must have seen through my previous posts that I was falling for her. OK, but now she's accepting it with good grace, no matter how painful it might be for her. Edited January 12, 2022 by Alpaca 1
ASG Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 On 1/12/2022 at 1:23 AM, Sgthaytham said: Im not even sure myself. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but the night I said it, we were in bed together. I've noticed an issue down there (this is before I met her) and I struggle to maintain it. Its really frustrating to me, and in that moment I lost it. I can imagine she was thinking I was taking it out on her. Then when I told her that we should see other people it made it a hundred fold worse. I wanted nothing of the sort, please believe me, you must have seen through my previous posts that I was falling for her. That makes it even worse. You're in bed together, you can't perform, and you tell her you should see other people!!!!!!!! I would have broken up with you there and then! Kicked you out of bed, or left (depending on whose bed it was) immediately! You basically blamed her for your problem. That is not ok. 3
poppyfields Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, ASG said: You basically blamed her for your problem. That is not ok. Reading his posts after this happened, it would appear OP acknowledges this, is beating himself up about it and feeling a lot of remorse. OP, you said this happened once before with a woman you were VERY into, as you were/are with this girl. I would spend some time trying to determine why and how to resolve, either on your own by reading books and introspecting or with the help of a qualified therapist. You mentioned feeling vulnerable, as one of the reasons, which is not uncommon along with other anxieties and fears, which you also acknowledged. Life is full of lessons to learn and this was a doozie, I'm sorry. Edited January 13, 2022 by poppyfields
Alpacalia Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 He wouldn't be coddled by me. To be perfectly honest, what he did was pretty crappy behavior. 2
poppyfields Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 13 minutes ago, Alpaca said: He wouldn't be coddled by me. To be perfectly honest, what he did was pretty crappy behavior. Well, to be perfectly honest myself, I'm more about understanding or attempting to versus criticizing, knocking someone down especially when they're already knocking themselves down. We all make mistakes, that's how we learn. 1
ASG Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 37 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Well, to be perfectly honest myself, I'm more about understanding or attempting to versus criticizing, knocking someone down especially when they're already knocking themselves down. We all make mistakes, that's how we learn. However, the OP has said he HAS done this before and he clearly didn't learn... 3
poppyfields Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) 6 minutes ago, ASG said: However, the OP has said he HAS done this before and he clearly didn't learn... True, but since it's happened twice now and becoming a pattern, hopefully he realizes it's a serious issue that needs to be addressed assuming his goal is a long term serious relationship. And I wish him luck with that because such fears and anxieties can often be hell to kick.... it requires A LOT of reflecting, introspecting, digging deep within to understand and resolve. I speak from experience and although I have come a long way, I STILL struggle from time to time.... Edited January 13, 2022 by poppyfields
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 13, 2022 Author Posted January 13, 2022 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: Reading his posts after this happened, it would appear OP acknowledges this, is beating himself up about it and feeling a lot of remorse. OP, you said this happened once before with a woman you were VERY into, as you were/are with this girl. I would spend some time trying to determine why and how to resolve, either on your own by reading books and introspecting or with the help of a qualified therapist. You mentioned feeling vulnerable, as one of the reasons, which is not uncommon along with other anxieties and fears, which you also acknowledged. Life is full of lessons to learn and this was a doozie, I'm sorry. When I open up to a woman, when I know and feel that I'm falling for her, I think I worry about where it'll lead to: possible break up, not talking to them anymore, etc... Instead of living in the moment and appreciating how it is and letting it develop naturally. I don't know where this has come from. Her birthday is coming up soon, but as much as I want to wish her a good day, I just don't think it'll do either of us any good.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 13, 2022 Author Posted January 13, 2022 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: True, but since it happened again, hopefully he realizes it's a serious issue that needs to be addressed assuming his goal is a long term serious relationship. And I wish him luck with that because such fears and anxieties can often be hell to kick.... it requires A LOT of reflecting, introspecting, digging deep within. I speak from experience and although I have come a long way, I STILL struggle from time to time.... They aren't copy pasted situations. There are similarities, but overwhelmingly they are different. Different dynamics, different ages, different times, and obviously different women/people. Obviously, though, I do have an issue when it comes to expressing how I feel and being content about how I feel. I don't think it's a trust issue per se.
poppyfields Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said: They aren't copy pasted situations. There are similarities, but overwhelmingly they are different. Different dynamics, different ages, different times, and obviously different women/people. Obviously, though, I do have an issue when it comes to expressing how I feel and being content about how I feel. I don't think it's a trust issue per se. I realize that, I was speaking to the one thing those two situations DID have in common. Self-sabotage. Doesn't matter the logistics, or the why and how. In both situations, your fears and anxieties reared their ugly heads and you proceeded to self-sabotage. Are you seeing a therapist? I know therapy gets a bad rap, and I've had less than positive experiences with it myself, but I eventually found a good one and she has helped me so much over the years. Or rather helped me to help myself. Because in the end, that's what it comes down to. Yourself. Loving yourself, and learning how to rely on yourself to make the best choices and decisions and to help yourself when life tosses you a lemon. Just a suggestion, good luck @Sgthaytham. Edited January 13, 2022 by poppyfields
Alpacalia Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 58 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Well, to be perfectly honest myself, I'm more about understanding or attempting to versus criticizing, knocking someone down especially when they're already knocking themselves down. We all make mistakes, that's how we learn. I was knocking his treatment towards her down, not him.
Wiseman2 Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) 58 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said: I don't know where this has come from. That's Ok. With age, being tired, having a few drinks, whatever ED is going to happen. You'll have to deal with it gracefully. Make sure you don't initiate sex tired, after drinking a lot or under tense conditions. Make sure you're in good health. As far as this situation, yeah you lashed out at her but it was the uncooperative man below that really pissed you off, right? So going forward, simply roll with the flow if it happens, just go to other things and relax, don't react too much, just cuddle, etc. and explain "you're too tired, sorry". Edited January 13, 2022 by Wiseman2
poppyfields Posted January 13, 2022 Posted January 13, 2022 (edited) 33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: That's Ok. With age, being tired, having a few drinks, whatever ED is going to happen. You'll have to deal with it gracefully. Make sure you don't initiate sex tired, after drinking a lot or under tense conditions. Make sure you're in good health. As far as this situation, yeah you lashed out at her but it was the uncooperative man below that really pissed you off, right? So going forward, simply roll with the flow if it happens, just go to other things and relax, don't react too much, just cuddle, etc. and explain "you're too tired, sorry". That is great advice Wiseman, but I think going deeper and as what happened with the last girl too, he admitted that once he begins developing strong feelings for a woman and feels vulnerable, he says and does things to push her away. The ED might have even been a byproduct of that fear. It's not uncommon. With the last girl, he stated he was beginning to fall in love or had fallen in love and he disappeared. Ghosted. Ran away. With this girl, he told her he thought it best they begin seeing other people. Both these situations were a form of self sabotage and imo should be addressed if his goal is a healthy mutually rewarding romantic relationship. Edited January 13, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 14, 2022 Author Posted January 14, 2022 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: That's Ok. With age, being tired, having a few drinks, whatever ED is going to happen. You'll have to deal with it gracefully. Make sure you don't initiate sex tired, after drinking a lot or under tense conditions. Make sure you're in good health. As far as this situation, yeah you lashed out at her but it was the uncooperative man below that really pissed you off, right? So going forward, simply roll with the flow if it happens, just go to other things and relax, don't react too much, just cuddle, etc. and explain "you're too tired, sorry". I didn't lash out at her, that suggests I shouted, but yeah it was a terrible thing to say to her. There's nothing I can do about her now though, she's gone. She ended it with me and I haven't heard anything from her since.
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