Gaeta Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 On 12/27/2021 at 3:01 PM, Sgthaytham said: Her birthday is coming up in January, and I have an idea, but it might be a bit forward. She has a cat that she adores. I noticed she hasn’t got pictures of it in her room. So I was thinking of drawing/painting it on a small canvas for her. what do you think? She's an Aquarius? The gift idea is lovely! You are artistic?
ASG Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: She's an Aquarius? The gift idea is lovely! You are artistic? She's more likely to be a Capricorn. There are more "capricorn days" in January than "Aquarius days"
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 3, 2022 Author Posted January 3, 2022 I’m having a bit of a hard time right now with my insecurities and anxiety. I stupidly think I don’t deserve her. She sent me a text a couple days before New Year’s asking me to come over to her friend’s house. That night went really well. I slept over at her’s and the next day we stayed in bed. I tried to make a move twice, but she said no, so I left it at that. She asked if I could leave because she had stuff to do, and I said « Of course babe no problem » Today I got a text from her saying « Thanks for the gift!!! So pleased I can get a double salary at the end of the month » Story is that I forgot my bank card at the friend’s house I replied « Lol as long as you leave me my bonus. What’s your schedule like next week gorgeous? » She said « Well my birthday is coming up next weekend l, but I don’t know what to do » I just said « Hey look, how about on Saturday 8th we go bowling together I have a funny idea you’re really good at it? » She hasn’t replied yet, but I’ll just wait to see what she says
princessaurora Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 5 hours ago, Sgthaytham said: She sent me a text a couple days before New Year’s asking me to come over to her friend’s house. That night went really well. I slept over at her’s and the next day we stayed in bed. I tried to make a move twice, but she said no, so I left it at that. Did anything happen with the friend that could have upset her? 5 hours ago, Sgthaytham said: Today I got a text from her saying « Thanks for the gift!!! So pleased I can get a double salary at the end of the month » Story is that I forgot my bank card at the friend’s house I replied « Lol as long as you leave me my bonus. What’s your schedule like next week gorgeous? » Correct me if I'm wrong, but were you insinuating she or her friend might use your card and trying to make a joke out of it? If so she might have been offended.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) Bad news. She ended it last night. Ive wished her well. I seriously messed it up by breaking down last month talking about another woman I cut things off with and telling her that we should see other people. It was a horrible thing to say to her and I'm faced with the consequences of my actions. Edited January 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) Sorry this happened. Why did you suggest this? Often faux breakups and veiled threats in arguments backfire. Edited January 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language in quote
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) On 1/5/2022 at 12:21 AM, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. Why did you suggest this? Often faux breakups and veiled threats in arguments backfire. I don't know what came across me. It was a terrible thing to say, I know. It was weak and insecure from me, and probably made her feel like absolute crap. I feel like an idiot for blowing this up by myself. Edited January 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
Gaeta Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) Wow! Ok, did she explain why she wanted to end things? If it has anything to do with this then I think there is room for you to save that one. Obviously you don't feel like seeing other women anymore right? Also she refused intimacy twice? Had you been intimate before? Edited January 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language in quote
ASG Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) Yeah, suggesting you should see other people means you're not interested. Why would you say that, when you were coming here gushing about her?! Do you self sabotage like this often?! Honestly, she's shown maturity and self respect. I wouldn't try and salvage this. If it were me, I'd be so put off, I wouldn't entertain a second chance. It basically tells her she's not your primary option, and that you'd like to explore what's out there, further. Edited January 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language in quote 1
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) Yeah I'm totally baffled what triggered you to say this? What was your goal? Did you think it would increase your value or something? Or was it because you felt vulnerable and said it to gain some power or control back? Serious question, I'm at a loss to understand considering how much you liked her. I hope this wasn't advice you received on a PUA or seduction forum. I've read those forums and am appalled by much of what goes on there. In any event, I'm really sorry and perhaps you can use this as a giant learning experience moving forward. Edited January 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language in quote
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: Wow! Ok, did she explain why she wanted to end things? If it has anything to do with this then I think there is room for you to save that one. Obviously you don't feel like seeing other women anymore right? Also she refused intimacy twice? Had you been intimate before? Yeah she explained it had to do with what we talked about the other night (i.e when I broke down). I think that led to her losing interest/attraction and it was just downhill from there. Even if she was texting me first often, inviting me out, being affectionate, gifts... I think it raised a big red flag for her. Yes we had been intimate plenty of times before. She did mention in her message that she had been thinking a lot about it and didn't feel ready to tell me she wanted to end it till she did. So I just told her that I have appreciated and cherished every single moment we have spent. Wished her well, and said if she ever changes her mind she can get in touch.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Yeah I'm totally baffled what triggered you to say this? What was your goal? Did you think it would increase your value or something? Or was it because you felt vulnerable and said it to gain some power or control back? Serious question, I'm at a loss to understand considering how much you liked her. I hope this wasn't advice you received on a PUA or seduction forum. I've read those forums and am appalled by much of what goes on there. In any event, I'm really sorry and perhaps you can use this as a giant learning experience moving forward. It was a moment of vulnerability. I couldn't keep hard, and I really, really overreacted. I felt ashamed because of it, and now I realise I can of took it out on her and made her feel uncomfortable and unsafe - like it was her fault. 1
Gaeta Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 1 minute ago, Sgthaytham said: So I just told her that I have appreciated and cherished every single moment we have spent. Wished her well, and said if she ever changes her mind she can get in touch. Geeeeez, no chances I'd call you back. Why didn't you tell her you're feeling differently now? and you just want to date her....usually French men are good laying it thick!
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, ASG said: Yeah, suggesting you should see other people means you're not interested. Why would you say that, when you were coming here gushing about her?! Do you self sabotage like this often?! Honestly, she's shown maturity and self respect. I wouldn't try and salvage this. If it were me, I'd be so put off, I wouldn't entertain a second chance. It basically tells her she's not your primary option, and that you'd like to explore what's out there, further. It has happened once before, and it was with a woman I felt very strongly about. I ended up cutting contact and blocking her without giving her explanation. The only thing I can think of why I do this kind of stuff is insecurity and vulnerability. I can't begin to imagine how she felt at that moment. Obviously she felt hurt as she she said in message that she had been thinking of it for quite some time. I likely made her feel uncomfortable and unsafe... Like I blamed her. Edited January 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Geeeeez, no chances I'd call you back. Why didn't you tell her you're feeling differently now? and you just want to date her....usually French men are good laying it thick! I don't see what that would have changed? She obviously made her mind up to end it, and I have to respect it. Nothing I can say now, or even when she sent me the message will make her change her mind.
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) ^^Yes, insecurity, vulnerability, fear. Fear of closeness, intimacy, commitment. I have read about this and strangely enough, often times the more we like/love someone, the more vulnerable we feel, the greater the fear! My only suggestion since it's a pattern is do some reading and introspecting to determine why this happens. Otherwise it will continue to happen and you will run away from every woman you like and begin to fall in love with. OR push her away as you just did with this woman. Therapy may help you also. Edited January 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language in quote
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 She did mention "We are going somewhere that I don't like" too. Not sure what she meant by this. At this point I think the best course of action is to give her some space and not pursue.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: Yes, insecurity, vulnerability, fear. Fear of closeness, intimacy, commitment. I have read about this and strangely enough, often times the more we like someone, the more vulnerable we feel, the greater the fear! My only suggestion since it's a pattern is do some reading and introspecting to determine why this happens. Otherwise it will continue to happen with everyone woman you like and begin to fall in love with. Therapy may help you also. I don't think it's necessarily a fear of commitment, intimacy or closeness, because I really enjoyed the affection from her, the quiet moments we spent alone and especially the dates, the laughs and the intimacy. I think it's closer to my fear of not being enough. It's the fear of loss. Whenever my feelings develop to a stage that I'm clearly falling for her, I expect the worse. It's not fair on me and it's especially not fair on her. She went out of her way to do things for me, and I was still living in doubt instead of in the moment. So you're right in the sense that it boiled down to me getting more attached, and fearing that she was too good for me. On the bright side, it wasn't a nasty break up. No shouting, no name calling, no threats or insults. I won't lie to any of you that I'm very heartbroken and extremely sad.
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said: I think it's closer to my fear of not being enough. It's the fear of loss. Whenever my feelings develop to a stage that I'm clearly falling for her, I expect the worse. OK fair enough, but I think it's all related. Fear of intimacy and commitment encompass so many things, one of which IS the fear of loss. And fear of abandonment. Among others. Such fears can be complex and often unconscious. But I will leave to you to figure it out, I've done a lot of reading about it but I am certainly no expert, except to say I can relate because I have felt this way myself when I was younger. I had so many fears, I used to unconsciously attempt to push men away without even realizing it. I still have fears, but I have become more aware of those fears and have learned to manage them so as to NOT push men away like I used to. Good luck @Sgthaytham, awareness is the first step toward resolution. Edited January 4, 2022 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) 23 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said: I don't think it's necessarily a fear of commitment, intimacy or closeness, because I really enjoyed the affection from her, the quiet moments we spent alone and especially the dates, the laughs and the intimacy. By the way, I have no doubt you enjoyed those quiet intimate moments, the affection and the closeness, but it IS possible to enjoy those things while fearing them (unconsciously) at the same time. As I said, it's all related, from what I have read and personally experienced. I mean you did admittedly push her away due to fear, but again it's good you are becoming aware. It's all a journey.... Edited January 4, 2022 by poppyfields
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 12 minutes ago, poppyfields said: By the way, I have no doubt you enjoyed those quiet intimate moments, the affection and the closeness, but it IS possible to enjoy those things while fearing them (unconsciously) at the same time. As I said, it's all related, from what I have read and personally experienced. I mean you did admittedly push her away due to fear, but again it's good you are becoming aware. It's all a journey.... Yeah and I agree. I mean picture a moment we're lying in bed after sex, and she's resting her head on my chest and stroking my arm. I should feel completely at ease. I wasn't, I was constantly wondering 'how long is this going to last', 'This will be over soon I know it'. And yesterday it became reality.
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) There is a book that might help you, I have recommended it before to people who experience the same or similar fears. I learned A LOT from it and I still refer to it from time to time. It's entitled "He's Scared, She's Scared, Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships." You can order it on Amazon.com. It helped me to gain understanding and still helps me to this day... It talks about the fear of loss, fear of vulnerability, fear of abandonment among other fears and how it's all related to fears surrounding commitment and emotional intimacy. Please know you are not alone, many many people struggle with these same fears, I believe the book was on the NY Times best seller list at one point. Edited January 4, 2022 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) 22 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said: Yeah and I agree. I mean picture a moment we're lying in bed after sex, and she's resting her head on my chest and stroking my arm. I should feel completely at ease. I wasn't, I was constantly wondering 'how long is this going to last', 'This will be over soon I know it'. And yesterday it became reality. Yes it became a reality, precipitated by you... You didn't end it but you set the wheels in motion such that SHE ended it. Not trying to make you feel bad, but again becoming aware of your fears and how they affect your ability to form long lasting connections is the first step towards resolution. Edited January 4, 2022 by poppyfields
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Yes it became a reality, precipitated by you... You didn't end it but you set the wheels in motion such that SHE ended it. Not trying to make you feel bad, but again becoming aware of your fears and how they affect your ability to form long lasting connections is the first step towards resolution. You're not making me feel bad. I just need a reality check, a big one. In the space of a month, it's gone from one extremity to the other, and there's absolutely nothing I can do but give her space and move on.
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 10 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said: In the space of a month, it's gone from one extremity to the other, and there's absolutely nothing I can do but give her space and move on. That's how it typically goes believe it or not, it's pretty common. Starts out fast and furious, then once reality sets in usually around 2-3 months in, that's when fears start surfacing, and it ends as fast as it started. I am wondering if she struggles with the same or similar fears. Her comment "We are going somewhere that I don't like" is quite telling. I only ask because people with such fears tend to attract each other like bees to honey. The book I recommended explains this further in more detail if you're interested.
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