So I think I might have been rejected?

[Girl Fade Away]

On 11/20/2021 at 5:31 PM, Sgthaytham said:

For our second date I asked her when she was free next week to go for dinner, and she asked if we could do it the following week because she went away and has spent the last of her money. 

This was her hoping you would step up to the plate and say "My treat."  I am surprised that did not occur to you..

Why are you so averse to paying?  'Friends' split the bill, men who are romantically interested treat at least early on.   And if you are not careful, that is where you are heading with this girl ---->>> the friendzone. 

I wish you luck with that. 

 

 

 

Edited November 22, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Shining One]

Wow, so many people picking on the OP. There are women out there whose attraction and affection aren't contingent upon money being spent on them. Perhaps the woman in question is one of them.

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, Shining One said:

Wow, so many people picking on the OP. There are women out there whose attraction and affection aren't contingent upon money being spent on them. Perhaps the woman in question is one of them.

Fair enough but when getting together is contingent upon the woman having money and if she does not at the time he suggests getting together, then that means  you do NOT get together, what does that say about the man? What message does it send?  Not very interested.  

An interested man would have offered to treat, do you not agree with that @Shining One?   Or would you have just said "sure we can get together another time when you have the money"?

That was my only point. Nothing to do with her only being interested because he pays.  I am not even sure where you got that. 

 

Edited November 22, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

14 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op, I’m still not grasping why you couldn’t just say to her “don’t worry about it” and offer to take her out anyway? If you really want to see someone that’s what you do.

If she’s that focused on splitting bills she could have paid the next time… 

Yes her attitude is lovely about not expecting the man to pay for everything but I’m not sure your attitude is as commendable. 

You’re lucky that she’s agreeing to come to your house for the second date. Most women wouldn’t do that. 

I just read this, very well stated @Calmandfocused. 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

We both handle our drink really well, so it’s a good match on that front!

 

That's good.

Let us know how it goes!

[Shining One]

11 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Fair enough but when getting together is contingent upon the woman having money and if she does not at the time he suggests getting together, then that means  you do NOT get together, what does that say about the man? What message does it send?  Not very interested. 

This was not the case here. The woman in question counter offered the OP's dinner date suggestion with a soft hangout instead. Thus they were still getting together, just not on a dinner date. Even if that were not the case, I wouldn't consider it a sign of disinterest.

11 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

An interested man would have offered to treat, do you not agree with that @Shining One?   Or would you have just said "sure we can get together another time when you have the money"?

In this very specific scenario, I would not have offered to treat because the woman provided two appealing counter offers. In the hypothetical scenario where a woman just told me she was low on funds and provided no counter offer for the day in question, then yes, I would probably offer to treat.

11 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

That was my only point. Nothing to do with her only being interested because he pays.  I am not even sure where you got that. 

While my post followed yours, I was responding in general to the many posters who were picking on the OP for doing things "wrong".

[Girl Fade Away]

@SgthaythamI just read your thread posted on a PUA website.  The men there encourage splitting the bill and applaud you for NOT offering to pay which makes it confusing I am sure. 

Because I have no desire  to compete with the PUA mentality, I am out of discussion. Up to you if you want to choose that brand of poison, good luck.

Edited November 22, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[dramafreezone]

15 hours ago, Shining One said:

Wow, so many people picking on the OP. There are women out there whose attraction and affection aren't contingent upon money being spent on them. Perhaps the woman in question is one of them.

My position on paying is dependent on who asks out who, not necessarily that the guy should *always* pay.  If the guy asks her out, he should pay.  I'm fine with her offering to pay her share but I would insist and would hope that would be the end of it.  If she's insisting and insisting then that'd be a problem for me.

If she asks ME out, then same deal, I would offer to pay but if she declined I'd leave it at that.  I wouldn't insist that I pay.  For me it's all about who asks who out.  Me asking her out and having her pay some of it just seems weird to me.

[Girl Fade Away]

Something to consider.  When women offer to pay or insist on paying or splitting, often times it is because she is NOT interested and does not want to mislead a man into thinking it was more like a "date" or feel obligated to him in any way.  Or feel guilty about accepting.

This was true for me and my friends.  When NOT interested, I always insisted on paying my way.  Men knew this too and many times felt insulted when I offered to split for this reason. 

OP, you sure you are on the same page and that she does not view this as a friendship?  To be honest, it does sound that way a little bit. 

Edited November 22, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

I've offered to split the bill before on a first even when I was interested.

[smackie9]

This isn't about pay for whatever IMO....she wants more of a relaxed date. When she gets back suggest something light, like go for a walk and grab a slice of pizza or go bowling, art museum, check out seasonal light displays.

[Sgthaytham]

22 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

If you ask her out, you should pay.  I'm just plain old fashioned about this stuff.  In fact I won't date anyone that strongly insists on paying for the date.

So if you’re vibing a lot together, everything is going well, you’re going to make a meal out of it because she wants to pay her share?

[Sgthaytham]

21 hours ago, Shining One said:

Wow, so many people picking on the OP. There are women out there whose attraction and affection aren't contingent upon money being spent on them. Perhaps the woman in question is one of them.

I really don’t see the big deal. We’re sharing a great time together, what’s the problem of sharing the tab too?

[glows]

Again, dating preferences. If she likes you and the way things are, then carry on. No hard and fast rule. In the end you are dating each other so as long as you are in agreement or have some system of sharing, that is up to the both of you. 

Spend your time figuring out whether she's a good match for the long term.

[Sgthaytham]

5 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Something to consider.  When women offer to pay or insist on paying or splitting, often times it is because she is NOT interested and does not want to mislead a man into thinking it was more like a "date" or feel obligated to him in any way.  Or feel guilty about accepting.

This was true for me and my friends.  When NOT interested, I always insisted on paying my way.  Men knew this too and many times felt insulted when I offered to split for this reason. 

OP, you sure you are on the same page and that she does not view this as a friendship?  To be honest, it does sound that way a little bit. 

Let me just emphasise that on our *first* date - sharing drinks, sharing games in the arcade - *she* told me “I think you should kiss me”. 
 

You tell me if this is platonic. 

[Girl Fade Away]

31 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

I really don’t see the big deal. We’re sharing a great time together, what’s the problem of sharing the tab too?

Just my opinion @Sgthaythamand granted I was raised to believe men who invite me on a date and who are romantically interested in me plan and pay for that date.  Where I was raised, it was the courteous thing to do.  It is what courtship is all about.  Old school, maybe but it still exists. Even today. 

When two people split the bill, it seems more like a friendship. That man would seem more like a friend to me because that is what I do with my friends --- we split the tab.

This girl, I am still not convinced she is viewing any of this as 'dating.'  Maybe she is, I am just not convinced.  You split the bill on your first 'date' and the second she initially declined because she did not have the money.  She offered the 'soft hangout' which is what FRIENDS do.

By telling you she had no money, she was spelling out that she did not view this as a date but two friends hanging out.  

I could be.wrong and hope I am for your sake because I know you see this more than a friendship.  Just be sure you are sending the right signals so she knows that. 

[Girl Fade Away]

47 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

Let me just emphasise that on our *first* date - sharing drinks, sharing games in the arcade - *she* told me “I think you should kiss me”. 
 

You tell me if this is platonic. 

Just read this ok fair enough, that makes a difference.  If it is OK with her that she pays her own way, it is not for me to judge. One of these days it may begin to bother her that you never want to treat her (or maybe not) but in the meantime, enjoy.

For me, I enjoy courtship in the traditional sense, the man planning and paying.  When into a man, it kind of inspires me to give to HIM but in different ways.  He definitely benefits, it is a win win.  When in a relationship everything naturally becomes more reciprocal.

Edited November 23, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Gaeta]

45 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

Let me just emphasise that on our *first* date - sharing drinks, sharing games in the arcade - *she* told me “I think you should kiss me”. 

She was tipsy. She may say that to her male friends when drunk, you don't know her yet. 

May I ask how old you 2 are?

Edited November 23, 2021 by Gaeta

[Sgthaytham]

44 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Just my opinion @Sgthaythamand granted I was raised to believe men who invite me on a date and who are romantically interested in me plan and pay for that date.  Where I was raised, it was the courteous thing to do.  It is what courtship is all about.  Old school, maybe but it still exists. Even today. 

When two people split the bill, it seems more like a friendship. That man would seem more like a friend to me because that is what I do with my friends --- we split the tab.

This girl, I am still not convinced she is viewing any of this as 'dating.'  Maybe she is, I am just not convinced.  You split the bill on your first 'date' and the second she initially declined because she did not have the money.  She offered the 'soft hangout' which is what FRIENDS do.

By telling you she had no money, she was spelling out that she did not view this as a date but two friends hanging out.  

I could be.wrong and hope I am for your sake because I know you see this more than a friendship.  Just be sure you are sending the right signals so she knows that. 

OK, looks like I’ve got to provide even more details. 
 

Last Tuesday, I was invited to this dinner party hosted by a work colleague and friend of mine. Incidentally, this friend is flatmates with the girl I’m *dating*. 
 

We slept together and had oral sex. 
 

I don’t know how I can make it more clear that we’re dating…

[Sgthaytham]

23 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

you are heading with this girl ---->>> the friendzone. 

 

 

 

 

You couldn’t be more wrong. 

[Sgthaytham]

6 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I've offered to split the bill before on a first even when I was interested.

To me, wilfully splitting the bill suggests an investment. You’re sharing time together, so why not share the bill. It’s refreshing. 
 

Expecting a man to pay up is just entitlement.

 

[Sgthaytham]

53 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She was tipsy. She may say that to her male friends when drunk, you don't know her yet. 

May I ask how old you 2 are?

I’m 27, she’s 25. 

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

To me, wilfully splitting the bill suggests an investment. You’re sharing time together, so why not share the bill. It’s refreshing. 
 

Expecting a man to pay up is just entitlement.

 

Well, I offered, but he didn't let me pay.

But I've done things like buy the drinks and things like that.

Edited November 23, 2021 by Alpaca

[Girl Fade Away]

49 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

You couldn’t be more wrong. 

Yeh I posted a subsequent post after you posted she asked you to kiss her.  Maybe you missed?  

Dude, enjoy.  Seriously.  You have found a good woman who is very obviously into you.  DON'T blow it by listening to PUA nonsense.  Those men do not trust women, they think all women are entitled goldiggers, out to "get" them, take something from them.  Most (not all)  have a very poor opinion of women.  So keep that in mind when listening to what they preach. 

29 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Well, I offered, but he didn't let me pay.

@AlpacaI am very glad you added that.  That is quite telling.  I have had that happen too, in fact he became insulted. I have bought after dinner drinks and he very much appreciated it.  

I hope it all works out OP, good luck. 

 

Edited November 23, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

58 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

To me, wilfully splitting the bill suggests an investment. You’re sharing time together, so why not share the bill. It’s refreshing. 
 

Expecting a man to pay up is just entitlement.

 

I want to agree that it's entitlement - after all, young women now have the ability to earn as much as a man, whereas the idea of a man paying dates back to when women had no or little income.   But I don't think it's completely that.  I also think about those people taking traditional gender roles very seriously. Just like the guys who refuse to let a woman pay.  And that's OK because those types will make a good match with each other.   

I'm a woman and granted it's been a long time since I dated, but even 30 years ago I wasn't into traditional gender roles.  I'd be buying a round of drinks, or bring the wine or paying for a nice meal in return. This was done partly because I wanted to, but also partly as a 'test'.   If a guy got all hyper masculine about how men should pay, I'd write him off as incompatible.  And I'm sure he'd be Ok with that because it would leave him free to find someone who dates how he likes.  

All in all, no matter which side of the fence we sit on, our actions help us find the people who vibe with us.  If you keep doing you, then the match you end up with will be one who's OK with that.   

Edited November 23, 2021 by basil67