Alpacalia Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 (edited) OP, I think that you have already acknowledged that you caused harm to the other person, which is a good start. Try to focus your energy now on recovering from the experience. What you want to do can always be revisited later. If you two were still in touch, I think that would be fine, but if she has no role in your life any longer, it may only add to the turmoil you are already experiencing. I think the mistake some of us make sometimes is believing apologizing is primarily meant for the other person. Still, we can’t be the ones making that decision for you (i.e. apologizing). It was an unintentional mistake, wasn't it? And, it is something that you regret? If so, you're halfway there. Edited January 16, 2022 by Alpaca
Wiseman2 Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 19 hours ago, Sgthaytham said: I'm not going down that road again only for it to be thrown back at me. Agree. You defacto ended it with your 'see other people' remark. There's no coming back from that. Let it go. There's no reason to contact her. All you can do is in the future, manage your anxiety and situational ED better.
princessaurora Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 When me and my husband were in the 4th year of our relationship, premarriage, we went through a rough patch that resulted in us temporarily breaking up. He started sleeping with several other women and at first I was still sleeping with him too. (Young and stupid, I know) But one night we were talking on the phone and he was talking about this one girl he hadn't even known that long and he said to me " I feel more for her than I ever felt for you" That gutted me in a way I can't even put into words, and even though deep down I knew it wasn't true, it shot my insecurity and doubt skyrocketing to the point I decided to completely remove myself from the situation I was in. I walked away from him completely devastated that he could say something so hurtful to me when he had been together for so long. But I was stupid to put up with the other girls anyway and he admitted later on he did that to push me away because he knew he wasn't in any state to give me what I needed at that time in his life. But those words stung worse than anyone can even fathom. I felt like I died inside and the only reason I got back together with him nearly a year later was because he never gave up on me, he never stopped calling even though I never picked up, and he suffered the humiliation of physically getting thrown out my workplace when he was at his breaking point. His actions showed me he said something he didn't mean though to this day I haven't forgotten how they made me feel and I doubt I ever will. I'm not telling you this because I think you should chase behind her. This is a totally different situation and we had a much longer history than you do. I'm just telling you that there are things you can say to a person that will stay with them for the rest of their life, things that will traumatize a person and make them afraid to love again because they fear the next person might say that to them too, things that make you want to just shut everyone out, the way you were trying to do to her. Until you address your fears and insecurities and understand that projecting that onto someone else with dagger like words will only cause heartache for you and that person, you shouldn't be reaching out to her or anyone else. 1
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 16, 2022 Author Posted January 16, 2022 A friend of mine invited me out for drinks with some of his friends last night. I thought it would be a good idea so that I could clear my mind a bit and have some fun. It was clear to me that one of his friends was into me. Later on during the night she flat out asked me to kiss her. I didn't. It felt like crap because I was into her too, but I guess it was the right thing to do.
amerikajin Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 1 hour ago, Sgthaytham said: A friend of mine invited me out for drinks with some of his friends last night. I thought it would be a good idea so that I could clear my mind a bit and have some fun. It was clear to me that one of his friends was into me. Later on during the night she flat out asked me to kiss her. I didn't. It felt like crap because I was into her too, but I guess it was the right thing to do. Maybe it was the right thing to do, but why? Why was it the right thing to do? What do you want?
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 17, 2022 Author Posted January 17, 2022 58 minutes ago, amerikajin said: Maybe it was the right thing to do, but why? Why was it the right thing to do? What do you want? Because I'm obviously not over my ex. I don't know what I want right now.
amerikajin Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 (edited) 10 hours ago, Sgthaytham said: I don't know what I want right now. I think this is an honest statement, and it's good that you acknowledge this. As for the recent girl that you rejected, I think you feel a little guilty and that maybe you don't deserve to just move on. I can understand that, and I've been in that situation. But guilt is not the same as remorse - at least, not in my opinion anyway. I don't know if this is necessarily Oxford's definition of "guilt" and "remorse" but I think that guilt is maybe a little more internal - it's a reaction. It's a negative state for sure, but it's not remorse. In my view, remorse is when you have processed your situation and realize that you've hurt someone and that you need to atone for it somehow. It's a greater awareness of accountability. Ideally, in most situations, that atonement comes in the form of an apology, but this situation is complicated and I think it's probably better if you at least start the process of figuring out yourself first and then, at some point, apologize to her in the future without the expectation of winning her back but simply because you owe it to her (the girl who broke up with you, I mean). Maybe think about what you want before getting into another relationship? Maybe get to know yourself better. Understand your insecurities and how they influence your behavior, and think about how you can avoid letting your insecurities get in the way and causing you to overreact at times. True strength, true manliness is admitting you have vulnerabilities, and that you don't have all the answers. Don't be afraid to get help either (a therapist for instance). Good luck. Edited January 17, 2022 by amerikajin
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 17, 2022 Author Posted January 17, 2022 (edited) [ ] my ex's close friend has gotten in touch with me. We're sort of friends too, albeit they've known eachother for years. She has never gotten in touch with me directly before the break up, only once on the day of the break up to return something to me. Edited January 17, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 18, 2022 Author Posted January 18, 2022 Right, so I replied earlier on this afternoon with "I'm great thanks keeping busy"... an hour later she replies "That's good, just wondering why you haven't joined our work call lately?" Has she really got no idea? No clue? I feel like just saying "Idk guess I've really been that busy"
Wiseman2 Posted January 18, 2022 Posted January 18, 2022 37 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said: she replies "That's good, just wondering why you haven't joined our work call lately?" Do you work together? Are you supposed to be present on work calls?
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 18, 2022 Author Posted January 18, 2022 23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Do you work together? Are you supposed to be present on work calls? We do work together, just not on the same project, and no we don't have to be present at all.
Alpacalia Posted January 19, 2022 Posted January 19, 2022 14 hours ago, Sgthaytham said: Has she really got no idea? No clue? She probably doesn't otherwise she wouldn't have asked.
Wiseman2 Posted January 19, 2022 Posted January 19, 2022 20 hours ago, Sgthaytham said: We do work together, just not on the same project, and no we don't have to be present at all. Ok. Just be polite and professional. The ED and 'lets see others' debacle is best forgotten and left in the past. Don't hold grudges. Just manage situational ED and anxiety better in the future.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 19, 2022 Author Posted January 19, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, Alpaca said: She probably doesn't otherwise she wouldn't have asked. What do you mean? She knows we broke up, that's for certain. Anyone with a right mind would realise "Ah that person needs space and that's why they're not around as much". Edited January 19, 2022 by Sgthaytham
Alpacalia Posted January 19, 2022 Posted January 19, 2022 30 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said: What do you mean? She knows we broke up, that's for certain. Anyone with a right mind would realise "Ah that person needs space and that's why they're not around as much". The question "what do you mean" comes up a lot. It seems I need to improve my communication skills. Just a step back here, please keep in mind that you basically told her that you wanted to date other women. That was further reinforced by not reaching out to her and instead saying it was not what you wanted/meant. Then you left it up to her if she "changed her mind" to let you know. About what, exactly? It was you who said you didn't want to be exclusive. According to how you wrote this, it sounds like you didn't respond when she asked why you were MIA, but you wanted her to realize it on her own (i.e. giving her 'space'). Okay, maybe she'll come to the same conclusion on her own.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 19, 2022 Author Posted January 19, 2022 2 hours ago, Alpaca said: The question "what do you mean" comes up a lot. It seems I need to improve my communication skills. Just a step back here, please keep in mind that you basically told her that you wanted to date other women. That was further reinforced by not reaching out to her and instead saying it was not what you wanted/meant. Then you left it up to her if she "changed her mind" to let you know. About what, exactly? It was you who said you didn't want to be exclusive. According to how you wrote this, it sounds like you didn't respond when she asked why you were MIA, but you wanted her to realize it on her own (i.e. giving her 'space'). Okay, maybe she'll come to the same conclusion on her own. OK so I think you misunderstood who reached out to me recently to ask why I was MIA. Its not my ex, it's her close friend and flatmate - who happens to be kind of friends with me. I'm fully aware of the damage caused when I told her that we should see other people and of course I take fully and unreservedly responsibility. She broke up with me, and that told me she wants space, which of course I will give. She had made her mind up. That's why I let her know she could get in touch if she changes her mind.
poppyfields Posted January 19, 2022 Posted January 19, 2022 1 hour ago, Sgthaytham said: She broke up with me, and that told me she wants space... What reason did she give for breaking up with you? Here we are thinking (assuming) it's because of what you said about wanting to date other women, when it's possible she broke up with you for something entirely different. She initially came on extremely strong with you, borderline lovebombing imo. It's not uncommon for such people to become restless and bored after the initial excitement wears off. I'm speculating but am curious to know the reasons she gave for ending it. This may not have been your "fault" at all, she simply wanted OUT. She had her fill and was done. Possibly.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 19, 2022 Author Posted January 19, 2022 8 minutes ago, poppyfields said: What reason did she give for breaking up with you? Here we are thinking (assuming) it's because of what you said about wanting to date other women, when it's possible she broke up with you for something entirely different. She initially came on extremely strong with you, borderline lovebombing imo. It's not uncommon for such people to become restless and bored after the initial excitement wears off. I'm speculating but am curious to know the reasons she gave for ending it. This may not have been your "fault" at all, she simply wanted OUT. She had her fill and was done. Possibly. She told me this: "Hey Babe I would like us to talk about what happened the other night (the night I told her we should see other people). I've been thinking of it a lot over the last weeks, trying to get my head around it, but I can't. I feel like we're going somewhere I don't like. I wish you all the best." That's it. I don't think there was any lovebombing, just someone who had a high interest in me, who was hurt by what I said and no longer wanted to be with me. This is lovebombing: https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing Nothing resembles anything she did to me.
Wiseman2 Posted January 19, 2022 Posted January 19, 2022 1 hour ago, Sgthaytham said: That's why I let her know she could get in touch if she changes her mind. Ok, she did and you blew her off, so just let the dust settle and relax.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 19, 2022 Author Posted January 19, 2022 6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok, she did and you blew her off, so just let the dust settle and relax. Wait... I blew her off how? Are we still talking about when I told her I thought we should see other people... or? I need to make sure all of you understand that it's my ex's close friend (who happens to also be her flatmate) who got in touch with me the other day, not my ex.
poppyfields Posted January 19, 2022 Posted January 19, 2022 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said: She told me this: "Hey Babe I would like us to talk about what happened the other night (the night I told her we should see other people). I've been thinking of it a lot over the last weeks, trying to get my head around it, but I can't. I feel like we're going somewhere I don't like. I wish you all the best." That's it. I don't think there was any lovebombing, just someone who had a high interest in me, who was hurt by what I said and no longer wanted to be with me. This is lovebombing: https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing Nothing resembles anything she did to me. Fair enough, but to clarify I said "borderline" lovebombing which re-reading your posts about when you began dating, she came on quite strong, doing most of the initiating, etc. Her break up message was quite ambiguous imo. "I feel like we're going somewhere I don't like," what the hell does that even mean? Jeez. Anyway, doesn't matter, it's over. I take back what I said earlier about you apologizing. You don't even know for certain if what you said bothered her, you're assuming it did but you don't really know. For whatever reason, she just wanted OUT, so let it go. I'm sorry. Edited January 19, 2022 by poppyfields
elaine567 Posted January 19, 2022 Posted January 19, 2022 I guess she didn't like the thought of them both seeing other people. That is an idea I guess few relationship minded people would be happy to go along with. 1
poppyfields Posted January 19, 2022 Posted January 19, 2022 (edited) 51 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I guess she didn't like the thought of them both seeing other people. That is an idea I guess few relationship minded people would be happy to go along with. Since she didn't directly say that and instead gave an ambiguous "I feel like we're going somewhere I don't like," that's really all it is, a guess. It could be anything. There was a reason the OP said what he said, comments like that don't come out of nowhere. So it's possible something didn't feel right to either of them, hence his comment and then her breaking it off. This girl has been open and direct throughout their entire relationship; if she was bothered by his comment, I would think she would have directly confronted him about it, NOT given an ambiguous reason for breaking up with him. Just my take but does it matter really? It's over and done, time to begin the process of moving on. Edited January 19, 2022 by poppyfields
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 19, 2022 Author Posted January 19, 2022 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Fair enough, but to clarify I said "borderline" lovebombing which re-reading your posts about when you began dating, she came on quite strong, doing most of the initiating, etc. Her break up message was quite ambiguous imo. "I feel like we're going somewhere I don't like," what the hell does that even mean? Jeez. Anyway, doesn't matter, it's over. I take back what I said earlier about you apologizing. You don't even know for certain if what you said bothered her, you're assuming it did but you don't really know. For whatever reason, she just wanted OUT, so let it go. I'm sorry. The reason lies between what I said and her losing attraction, which is very often the reason for a break up anyway. Nothing I can do about it. I appreciate all the support and advice you've given me since the beginning. In fact, I thank everyone else too. I don't quite understand, however, why anyone would consider her initiating most of the contact to be borderline anything. I don't think she came on too strong either - I didn't feel that at all. It was clear to me that her interest was growing for a large part, and that's why she initiated more. I suppose it was sort of ambiguous, but the underlining reasons is, as I've said, partly because of what I told her AND the loss of attraction. I'm reading between the lines a bit, but that's what I feel happened. I don't know for certain, but it's what she told me.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 19, 2022 Author Posted January 19, 2022 4 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Since she didn't directly say that and instead gave an ambiguous "I feel like we're going somewhere I don't like," that's really all it is, a guess. It could be anything. There was a reason the OP said what he said, comments like that don't come out of nowhere. So it's possible something didn't feel right to either of them, hence his comment and then her breaking it off. This girl has been open and direct throughout their entire relationship; if she was bothered by his comment, I would think she would have directly confronted him about it, NOT given an ambiguous reason for breaking up with him. Just my take but does it matter really? It's over and done, time to begin the process of moving on. I will be honest. I said it the night of a party. I was intoxicated (not to the level you might imagine), felt vulnerable because I was falling for her, ashamed because I couldn't keep it up and I thought she'd pick up on it and leave me. I was in a good state of mind. We did speak about it the next day. She asked if I had said what I said because I couldn't keep it up, and I said no... and I understand now how that could have been perceived. I should have opened up to her about it. There are a lot of things I should have done, but it's done now, it's finished and she isn't coming back.
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