Hopeful714 Posted November 20, 2021 Posted November 20, 2021 This is rather long. I met a guy 16 yrs ago and we hung out as friends a few times and had drinks. A couple of those times, very early on, we made out but never had sex. I would have dated him, but he never asked. Throughout the next say 14 yrs I would hear from this guy on occasion. I guess because we got along great and had fun together. The problem was he would text me usually past 9p and ask me to come over. I always felt that was a booty call so I would kindly decline saying I was busy etc. There was a time or two I would mention to him to contact in advance and several times he did but again it was the same "come over for drinks". Because I considered this guy a friend who I had fun with, I went and we would spend some fun time together (no fooling around or sex these times) and then I would go home not to hear from him again for months or a year. I know this guy was contacting me in between girlfriends as we would sometimes talk about our dating lives. We would have a lot of fun together and I liked him, but still...he would never ask me out. Then time would march on and this would occur again and again. Sometimes I thought he was waiting for me to make a move but I was waiting for him to ask me on a date. This past year is 16 yrs. He's been in touch via text off and on nearly every month since September 2020. One time he asked why we didn't stay FWB and I said we never were and that I am not that type of girl. Then he began to complement me and was fishing to see how I felt about him and I told him I liked him, enjoyed his company and found him attractive. He said the same back to me. So, we get together again, for drinks, this time my place. He's asking what I am looking for and I say a healthy relationship (we are both near 50 now!). As the night proceeds we begin to make out for the first time since the early days we met and he says while we are making out "I want to F you so bad, I've waited 20 yrs for this). I told him I just wasn't ready for sex . Seriously, The dude has never even asked me out! Lol. So he goes home, texts me about 3 weeks later and I say he can come over if he "behaves" ( I was kidding) but he said he couldn't keep his hands off me. The story ends with him sounding irritated saying " I have chased you for years" . I was feeling defensive and like he may only be after sex so I said I wasn't interested in being anyone's conquest or notch on belt and that I'm trying to make smart decisions in my life. Since then, he's been silent. Wtf? Was this guy only after sex for so long? Had he of only asked me out on a few proper dates,( not even expensive ones) I probably would have had sex with him years ago! Anyhow I'm kinda bummed cause I did kinda like him. What am I to make of this? Is this guy an idiot or what? Opinions welcome!
stillafool Posted November 20, 2021 Posted November 20, 2021 1 hour ago, Hopeful714 said: Wtf? Was this guy only after sex for so long? Had he of only asked me out on a few proper dates,( not even expensive ones) I probably would have had sex with him years ago! Anyhow I'm kinda bummed cause I did kinda like him. What am I to make of this? Is this guy an idiot or what? Opinions welcome! Yes he is only after sex. Why didn't you tell him him the bolded part above? That may have saved you both a lot of time. I'm a believer that if a man wants you he will approach and ask you out and let you know his feelings. Surely a man is his 50s knows what to do to show a woman he's interested in a relationship. This one let it be known he's interested in sex. Bringing up the FWB thing should have let you know that was all he's interested in. 5
ShyViolet Posted November 20, 2021 Posted November 20, 2021 This guy only liked you enough to contact you in between girlfriends and try to arrange occasional booty calls with you. He never liked you enough to actually properly date you, to treat you like a proper girlfriend. It's really quite simple. Do not chase this guy or let him keep throwing you crumbs. 6
Alvi Posted November 21, 2021 Posted November 21, 2021 5 hours ago, Hopeful714 said: Was this guy only after sex for so long? It's not like he was thinking about you for the whole 16 years. He only seem to remember you whenever he is between the girlfriends. He doesn't want to date you but more than willing to sex you up or have a FWB with you. Nothing wrong with that if that is also what you are looking for. But since you do not, why do you even entertain this clown? 5 hours ago, Hopeful714 said: The story ends with him sounding irritated saying " I have chased you for years I suppose from his point of view you are the one who keep refusing to sleep with him for years. But he never chased you. Heck, he never even took you out for a cup of coffee, lol 5 hours ago, Hopeful714 said: So he goes home, texts me about 3 weeks later and I say he can come over if he "behaves" ( I was kidding) but he said he couldn't keep his hands off me. Why do you think it took him that long to reply to you? That's right. He was dating or seeing other woman/women. Make no mistake about that. Quite frankly, benefit(s) he brings to your life? He us definitely not your friend. While you are wasting your time and energy on this person, you are probably missing out on other guys who would love to date you properly. He could be a nice destruction I suppose, but that's about it. Why not block him altogether? 4
Author Hopeful714 Posted November 21, 2021 Author Posted November 21, 2021 Thank you all. You have verified what I have been thinking all along. Which is why I never slept with him. Basically, although I was interested, and found him fun, my gut told me otherwise. Knowing him this long, I have seen him with 3 women throughout the years, or let's say girlfriends. (Im sure there were others) 2 in his younger days seemed rather stupid, but the last one got pregnant and left him shortly thereafter and married someone else. Although I was told she left him because she became irrational during pregnancy, I never fully believed that. Now at 46 he has joint custody of a 5 yr old. The woman went on to marry someone else. The story always seemed like a red flag even though he presents initially as a decent kind man.in reality he's a Dirty Player I suppose. The unfortunate part is this guy lives in my development. So although I don't constantly see him, he is ever presently there and I will see him occasionally. I hope he feels like an a- hole that has been found out for what he is. Never asked him why he didn't take me out on a date but I'm going to surmise he treats the other women just the same. Guess I dodged a bullet, but I still feel like an idiot that got played. Doubt ill hear from him again but I'm guessing ignore is in order giving no explanation?
Wiseman2 Posted November 21, 2021 Posted November 21, 2021 Don't hang out or keep negotiating sex. If you see him be friendly, but he's not really your friend or a BF. He seems a bit creepy. 1
glows Posted November 21, 2021 Posted November 21, 2021 4 hours ago, Hopeful714 said: The unfortunate part is this guy lives in my development. So although I don't constantly see him, he is ever presently there and I will see him occasionally. I hope he feels like an a- hole that has been found out for what he is. Never asked him why he didn't take me out on a date but I'm going to surmise he treats the other women just the same. Guess I dodged a bullet, but I still feel like an idiot that got played. Doubt ill hear from him again but I'm guessing ignore is in order giving no explanation? I don't think you got played. You had a good idea of what he was up to the entire time and stuck to your guns. You may be experiencing disappointment in general but that's only because you had hopes that he would turn out to be more than what he showed himself to be. If you see him in person keep it light and cordial in passing. As for his contact, mute it so that the messages sink to the bottom and you receive no notifications or aren't bothered by them. Once this blows over you'll care a lot less about his ongoings or whether he messages you at all. Block and delete if you want also. He wasn't respectful of you as a potential date NOR a friend. 2
Author Hopeful714 Posted November 28, 2021 Author Posted November 28, 2021 So, I’m not fully over this yet. What if I/we are wrong about his motives? I was browsing around the internet and it seems that many people don’t really go on “proper” dates and many just “hang out” these days. Considering this guy lives very close to me am I possibly making too much out of never being asked out since we never really made the move to romantic? Seems like many people began relationships by hanging out and or not everyone goes on regular dates because it could get expensive and some people may not really be into it. I say this because this guy is not a big bar/go out person to begin with and is actually quite the homebody. I think his favorite thing to do is fishing. What I didn’t mention before was that 2 days after the last text incident with him I had texted him and asked if he was free and could he stop by to talk. He replied right back that he couldn’t because he had his son for several days. So I said to let me know when he was free because I really wanted to see him and talk for a bit. I did this because I was really confused and concerned that maybe I hurt his feelings. Anyhow it’s been 3 weeks now and I haven’t heard from him but could it be possible I did hurt his feelings? After all he made the effort all these times and here I rejected him sexually 2x, and I’m not quite certain I fully explained myself why aside from basically accusing him of having bad intentions. Now we can say that he didn’t get back to me when he was free meaning he didn’t want to …but then again would a guy that was just rejected really contact me back and say sure I’m ready for that talk now where he could possibly think he was going to get friendzoned and emasculated some more? so where I’m going with all this is he did keep in contact a long time. We did always enjoy each other’s company. Could we be wrong on his motives? Wouldn’t most men make the moves on someone they like? What would you all think if I reached out one more time to invite him to “hang out” and talk? Would I really look like and be an idiot? At my age, I Don’t want to look back at this and wonder if something really could have developed. If I find he’s really not looking for anything at least I can close the door on this and move on. What do you think and what can I say? 1
chillii Posted November 28, 2021 Posted November 28, 2021 (edited) l'd agree with most of the others tbh sorry. And if he's chased you all these yrs well there's a hell of a lot more to really wanting to be with somebody or marry them or being in love with them, than just getting them into the sack and he'd be well well aware of that. So why hasn't he wanted to spend real time with you disappeared again and again and never made he's intentions clear in even 20yrs. lf it was love he was talking about then why didn't he tell you that night , or 20yrs ago ago actually, why hasn't he done something about it in all these yrs. So nope , not sleeping with him he'd be well aware of what your saying and why. But there's no harm in talking to him anyway and finding out just exactly wth he thinks he's been chasing 20yrs , just your arse or was it more , and if so why didn't he do more about it a long long time ago.? See what he's got to say about that. Edited November 28, 2021 by chillii
Author Hopeful714 Posted November 28, 2021 Author Posted November 28, 2021 Glad I did the follow up. You have alot of good points there. I think at times this guy gets nervous around me and one time he even said it. Seriously I don’t know what to believe anymore as I have dated some big time players in the past. Anyhow if this guy is on the shy side I don’t see him professing love or intent especially since we haven’t had sex. Seems like these days people like to test drive the car so to say before moving forward with anything. I suppose I can understand that to a certain degree as a guy would want to make sure you are compatible sexually? Heck I don’t know dating is so different now. 1
Sun Seeker Posted November 28, 2021 Posted November 28, 2021 Stop making excuses for his actions, or lack of. It's clear as day to anyone he is only interested in sex. Not sure how you can think anything else, it's literally so so obvious. If you want only that, a FWB thing, then sure keep in contact with him. If you don't, which you have already stated, then stop talking to him or asking him to stop by to talk. He is not your friend. 2
Wiseman2 Posted November 28, 2021 Posted November 28, 2021 8 hours ago, Hopeful714 said: it’s been 3 weeks now and I haven’t heard from him Try to invest your time in more satisfying pursuits. Trying to justify disinterest by seeking confirmation bias about "hanging out" won't help you reach your goals. Have you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? It may provide insight into what's happening here. Instead invest your time on getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting interested men. 1
Author Hopeful714 Posted November 28, 2021 Author Posted November 28, 2021 Wow how harsh. Obviously he doesn’t love me but I do know as fact a mutual attraction and comfort between us exists otherwise he wouldn’t have been around this long, I’d say that counts for something. No? Also, he’s a single dad with joint custody of a 5 year old child who got burned bad by his kid’s mother , Plus. Has a full time stressful job. He even told me it gets exhausting. I’m probably not going to do anything as I want to to appear high value in his eyes as I move along. I’ve never chased him. Ever. But I’m a little surprised everyone is giving him such a bad rap saying he’s not even my friend. 1
Ami1uwant Posted November 28, 2021 Posted November 28, 2021 On 11/20/2021 at 2:51 PM, Hopeful714 said: This is rather long. I met a guy 16 yrs ago and we hung out as friends a few times and had drinks. A couple of those times, very early on, we made out but never had sex. I would have dated him, but he never asked. Throughout the next say 14 yrs I would hear from this guy on occasion. I guess because we got along great and had fun together. The problem was he would text me usually past 9p and ask me to come over. I always felt that was a booty call so I would kindly decline saying I was busy etc. There was a time or two I would mention to him to contact in advance and several times he did but again it was the same "come over for drinks". Because I considered this guy a friend who I had fun with, I went and we would spend some fun time together (no fooling around or sex these times) and then I would go home not to hear from him again for months or a year. I know this guy was contacting me in between girlfriends as we would sometimes talk about our dating lives. We would have a lot of fun together and I liked him, but still...he would never ask me out. Then time would march on and this would occur again and again. Sometimes I thought he was waiting for me to make a move but I was waiting for him to ask me on a date. This past year is 16 yrs. He's been in touch via text off and on nearly every month since September 2020. One time he asked why we didn't stay FWB and I said we never were and that I am not that type of girl. Then he began to complement me and was fishing to see how I felt about him and I told him I liked him, enjoyed his company and found him attractive. He said the same back to me. So, we get together again, for drinks, this time my place. He's asking what I am looking for and I say a healthy relationship (we are both near 50 now!). As the night proceeds we begin to make out for the first time since the early days we met and he says while we are making out "I want to F you so bad, I've waited 20 yrs for this). I told him I just wasn't ready for sex . Seriously, The dude has never even asked me out! Lol. So he goes home, texts me about 3 weeks later and I say he can come over if he "behaves" ( I was kidding) but he said he couldn't keep his hands off me. The story ends with him sounding irritated saying " I have chased you for years" . I was feeling defensive and like he may only be after sex so I said I wasn't interested in being anyone's conquest or notch on belt and that I'm trying to make smart decisions in my life. Since then, he's been silent. Wtf? Was this guy only after sex for so long? Had he of only asked me out on a few proper dates,( not even expensive ones) I probably would have had sex with him years ago! Anyhow I'm kinda bummed cause I did kinda like him. What am I to make of this? Is this guy an idiot or what? Opinions welcome! given the time involved I don’t think he was just looking for a notch. I don’t know what he did with these other women he dated. Did he go out on dates with them? What kind of messages did you send on this being just friends or something more. You being guarded on not sleeping with him, might have made you guarded elsewhere in this. I have always had a belief on relationships….. it’s about timing and you have a short window to act. If it doesn’t happen then, it might never happen. During that time you transition to just being friends so it’s harder to read if there is something more here or do either one want to risk this.
stillafool Posted November 28, 2021 Posted November 28, 2021 On 11/20/2021 at 2:51 PM, Hopeful714 said: This is rather long. I met a guy 16 yrs ago and we hung out as friends a few times and had drinks. A couple of those times, very early on, we made out but never had sex. I would have dated him, but he never asked. Throughout the next say 14 yrs I would hear from this guy on occasion. I guess because we got along great and had fun together. The problem was he would text me usually past 9p and ask me to come over. I always felt that was a booty call so I would kindly decline saying I was busy etc. There was a time or two I would mention to him to contact in advance and several times he did but again it was the same "come over for drinks". Because I considered this guy a friend who I had fun with, I went and we would spend some fun time together (no fooling around or sex these times) and then I would go home not to hear from him again for months or a year. I know this guy was contacting me in between girlfriends as we would sometimes talk about our dating lives. We would have a lot of fun together and I liked him, but still...he would never ask me out. Then time would march on and this would occur again and again. Sometimes I thought he was waiting for me to make a move but I was waiting for him to ask me on a date. This past year is 16 yrs. He's been in touch via text off and on nearly every month since September 2020. One time he asked why we didn't stay FWB and I said we never were and that I am not that type of girl. Your title says "Chased for years and never caught". Who are you talking about that was doing the chasing? It certainly is not him chasing after you. He's had 16 years to ask you out on a proper date and try to make you his girl. He hasn't. Even though he's had other girlfriends between contact with you. He obviously knows how to make a woman his girlfriend if that is what he wants but only offers you the role of FWB. If he were interested in anything with you other than sex he would have showed you that many, many years ago. Instead he by passed you and went on to make other women his girlfriends. That's pretty much all you need to know. 3
stillafool Posted November 28, 2021 Posted November 28, 2021 11 hours ago, Hopeful714 said: Glad I did the follow up. You have alot of good points there. I think at times this guy gets nervous around me and one time he even said it. Seriously I don’t know what to believe anymore as I have dated some big time players in the past. Anyhow if this guy is on the shy side I don’t see him professing love or intent especially since we haven’t had sex. Seems like these days people like to test drive the car so to say before moving forward with anything. I suppose I can understand that to a certain degree as a guy would want to make sure you are compatible sexually? Heck I don’t know dating is so different now. This guy doesn't seem the least bit shy or nervous about telling you what he wants. Most guys know within the first hour if they view you as relationship material and this one has had 16 years and hasn't moved an inch. Tell yourself whatever you have to in order to feel better but this isn't going anywhere. Don't wait another 16 years for him to make a move. 3
smackie9 Posted November 28, 2021 Posted November 28, 2021 You know what? If his true intention was to be find himself in a committed relationship with you, he would have made it happen right? He didn't, because that wasn't what he was looking for. 3
ShyViolet Posted November 28, 2021 Posted November 28, 2021 13 hours ago, Hopeful714 said: So, I’m not fully over this yet. What if I/we are wrong about his motives? I was browsing around the internet and it seems that many people don’t really go on “proper” dates and many just “hang out” these days. Considering this guy lives very close to me am I possibly making too much out of never being asked out since we never really made the move to romantic? Seems like many people began relationships by hanging out and or not everyone goes on regular dates because it could get expensive and some people may not really be into it. I say this because this guy is not a big bar/go out person to begin with and is actually quite the homebody. I think his favorite thing to do is fishing. Oh my goodness. Do you realize what you are doing? You're trying sooo hard to rationalize this guy's behavior and convince yourself that maybe he DOES really want to be with you. It's hard to face reality when the truth is, that a guy is just not that into you. He had 16 years to pursue a proper relationship with you, if that was what he wanted. He never did that. He only threw you crumbs. I will say again what I said before.... he liked you enough to throw you crumbs and come around inconsistently, but he never liked you enough to establish a real, actual relationship with you and ask you to be his girlfriend. Now you are making every excuse under the sun for him and trying to convince yourself that there's still a chance he may want to be with you. Is your self-esteem really this low? Find someone who actually wants to be with you. Stop chasing someone who is not that into you. 3
Els Posted November 28, 2021 Posted November 28, 2021 (edited) I think it's really clear that he's just after a booty call. Sorry. I understand that you are attracted to him... and if we're talking solely about physical/sexual attraction, he's probably "attracted" to you too. But not as anything other than a hookup when he's in between girlfriends. If you want a relationship, your time and energy would be better spent elsewhere. I've never known a couple that just "hung out occasionally" for 16 years. Edited November 28, 2021 by Elswyth 1
Author Hopeful714 Posted November 28, 2021 Author Posted November 28, 2021 Ok I get the hint. I’m not going to do anything and I’m going to move on. But just to let everyone know, I never ever sat around thinking about this guy for the past 16 years. I always somewhat blew it/him off. He was the one that kept in touch. Not me. It wasn’t until recently that this all started bothering me reason being because he began asking questions about how I felt about him and told me he liked me and asked questions about what I want in a relationship etc. and just to be clear, the other “girlfriends” he had didn’t last all that long and weren’t all that great. TBH I doubt he took them on dates either and I bet they all just fell into relationships with him after having sex early on like most younger people do. He even told me he wasn’t that into them Because I had asked why he never married any of them. And, I remember neighbors telling me about seeing them fighting outside etc. Lol. I’m really beginning to think that this is just a very layed back type of guy who is lazy with women. Maybe getting laid is all he wants from anybody. He's decent enough looking that some dumb chicks will bang him off the rip and hope for the best. Again, I will move on. I know I must. But I really don’t think any of these other so called girlfriends had anything on me. I am more successful, independent and attractive then any of them were. Dude needs to grow up and learn to be more giving of himself to get any kind of serious healthy relationships. Grrrrrr. 1
ShyViolet Posted November 29, 2021 Posted November 29, 2021 2 hours ago, Hopeful714 said: Ok I get the hint. I’m not going to do anything and I’m going to move on. But just to let everyone know, I never ever sat around thinking about this guy for the past 16 years. I always somewhat blew it/him off. He was the one that kept in touch. Not me. It wasn’t until recently that this all started bothering me reason being because he began asking questions about how I felt about him and told me he liked me and asked questions about what I want in a relationship etc. and just to be clear, the other “girlfriends” he had didn’t last all that long and weren’t all that great. TBH I doubt he took them on dates either and I bet they all just fell into relationships with him after having sex early on like most younger people do. He even told me he wasn’t that into them Because I had asked why he never married any of them. And, I remember neighbors telling me about seeing them fighting outside etc. Lol. I’m really beginning to think that this is just a very layed back type of guy who is lazy with women. Maybe getting laid is all he wants from anybody. He's decent enough looking that some dumb chicks will bang him off the rip and hope for the best. Again, I will move on. I know I must. But I really don’t think any of these other so called girlfriends had anything on me. I am more successful, independent and attractive then any of them were. Dude needs to grow up and learn to be more giving of himself to get any kind of serious healthy relationships. Grrrrrr. What does all this stuff matter? Who cares about his other girlfriends and why are you comparing yourself to them? You shouldn't concern yourself with trying to analyze and figure out why he's done everything he's done in his dating life. You're giving this guy way too much thought and it's seriously time to free yourself of this. 1
stillafool Posted November 29, 2021 Posted November 29, 2021 16 hours ago, Hopeful714 said: the other “girlfriends” he had didn’t last all that long and weren’t all that great. TBH I doubt he took them on dates either and I bet they all just fell into relationships with him after having sex early on like most younger people do. He even told me he wasn’t that into them Because I had asked why he never married any of them. And, I remember neighbors telling me about seeing them fighting outside etc. Lol. So these "girlfriends" of his were younger women? That is more than likely what he's into. Whatever was going on between him and these girls he did care enough about them to make them his girlfriend. He's known you for 16 years and hasn't made that offer to you, just a lukewarm FWB proposal. Also you don't know if he took them on dates or not. 1
chillii Posted November 30, 2021 Posted November 30, 2021 (edited) Just wondering op, you don't have to say but so what have you been doing relationship wise this 16yrs ? Also wondering that in all that time of knowing ea other you've never once talked about you two or being more ? Edited November 30, 2021 by chillii
Author Hopeful714 Posted December 2, 2021 Author Posted December 2, 2021 Lol! To answer some questions… by “younger” what I meant was it seems when people are younger (16 yrs ago)they tend to hop in bed more quickly and that begins a relationship based more on the physical as opposed to evaluating the person to determine if they would be a good mate. No, we never talked about what we “were” the times we got together. Personally, I think we just always enjoyed each other’s company and conversation. maybe he was hoping for a make out session as he would hint about his attraction to me. Lastly in the past 16 yrs I’ve ended a relationship, had a new relationship that also ended, and went on dates here and there all the while working on personal goals and interests to improve my life. Plus time spent helping with family issues and maintaining friendships.TBH I’m not into this whole internet dating/casual thing and basically just gave up on meeting anyone new. again, I never reached out to this guy. He always contacted me. I get the feeling though he won’t contact ever again because I wasn’t ready to move as quickly as he was in the sex dept. and because i then made the comments questioning his motives when HE said he had been chasing ME for years. Probably dodged a bullet but I was nevertheless disappointed cuz I certainly could have liked him.
spiderowl Posted December 2, 2021 Posted December 2, 2021 (edited) It seems to me the key things in this are that: - he was not there for you consistently, but sporadically - he is capable of making a girl his girlfriend if he wants to - despite asking you what you wanted out of a relationship and how you felt about him, he suggested FWB That says it all! You were very astute and did not go along with his narrative of supposedly 'chasing' you all these years. Chasing feels a lot more obvious to someone than being contacted occasionally when a guy feels lonely or horny. He knows you are not a pushover but he though it worth suggesting FWB anyway. If a guy suggests or mentions FWB, he is not interested in a relationship. You are doing great to realise your worth and to not fall into line for him. Edited December 2, 2021 by spiderowl 1
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