What did I ask wrong?

[Girl Fade Away]

3 hours ago, Alvi said:

I've been talking to this guy on-line since Tuesday and he asked me to meet him today. We texted quite a bit till yesterday evening. This is where things got a bit strange. He told me that he took Friday off work. I asked him what his plans for the day are. He became quiet and didn't text me for several hours. Then he asked me what I meant what he is going to do? I tried to explain that since he has a whole day off he must have some plans for the morning and afternoon, till we meet.  I dunno, like sleep all day, go out shopping, go for a walk, go rob a bank (kidding!). I told him that I am trying to get to know him better, that's all. He told me that something must be lost in translation and that we should not text each other anymore and go just meet. So we stopped texting and this morning he sends me a message saying that he doesn't feel like meeting me.

Alvi, I just had another read of this and while he may have thought the question was somewhat intrusive since you have never even met (possibly), his response was WAY overly sensitive and over the top, geez!  You response that you were trying to get to know him was perfect!!  I typically never asked for just this reason, you never know how the question is going to be interpreted by the other person, and do not know what their experiences have been.

But still, be gracious even if uncomfortable with the question.  I agree with others that you dodged a bullet with this guy!

Edited November 19, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[chillii]

Seems like a perfectly natural light heart nothing question to me , no idea why it rubbed him the wrong way. But eh , something illegal , married , talk about jump to conclusions jezuzzz.

Anyway , l could imagine how frustrating such silly things like this must be buttttt , what can you do.

[elaine567]

Poor social skills.

[glows]

It's possible he was not intending to meet you at all, not even when he was making those plans. People say things in the spur of the moment to keep a conversation going but may have no intention to follow through. So while it may seem like it's something you said that set him off, I doubt he ever intended to meet with you. 

Don't think anything of this. If he's blocked that's great. It means he can't do a u-turn and bother you again. 

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Alvi said:

We already had plans to meet set in place. We were supposed to meet tonight.

 

you didn’t refer to the plans as if you forgot you and he were getting together.

 

[Sun Seeker]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

you didn’t refer to the plans as if you forgot you and he were getting together.

 

That's what confuses me too.. if you had plans to meet today, he told you he took the day off, seems a bit weird to ask what his plans are? Surely his plans are... to meet you, as that's what you both agreed? Asking that implies that you are not meeting him.

Edited November 20, 2021 by Sun Seeker

[Girl Fade Away]

6 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

That's what confuses me too.. if you had plans to meet today, he told you he took the day off, seems a bit weird to ask what his plans are? Surely his plans are... to meet you, as that's what you both agreed? Asking that implies that you are not meeting him.

That is a fair point however she told him this:

"I tried to explain that since he has a whole day off he must have some plans for the morning and afternoon, till we meet.  I dunno, like sleep all day, go out shopping, go for a walk, go rob a bank (kidding!). I told him that I am trying to get to know him better, that's all."

[Sun Seeker]

11 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

That is a fair point however she told him this:

"I tried to explain that since he has a whole day off he must have some plans for the morning and afternoon, till we meet.  I dunno, like sleep all day, go out shopping, go for a walk, go rob a bank (kidding!). I told him that I am trying to get to know him better, that's all."

Fair enough. Personally I would leave that conversation for the meet, not be asking it over text the night before. Until the first meet texting should be minimal.

Edited November 20, 2021 by Sun Seeker

[Lotsgoingon]

Move on. Any weirdness early on--any subjective feeling of weirdness--run! Period. 

Someone with real social skill and interest would find a way to answer the question in a way that felt safe to you. I think he had another date lined up. And yes, he could be married. He was so clumsy in asking you what you meant. That was just plain stupid--and bizarre., 

Run. When people give confusing, awkward, stupid answers early on, there are many more stupid things to come.  Huge red flag. 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Girl Fade Away]

7 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

Fair enough. Personally I would leave that conversation for the meet, not be asking it over text the night before. Until the first meet texting should be minimal.

Agree.  Personally, I would not have asked at all, I save all that 'accountability" stuff (which is how HE may have interpreted it) for when we are boyfriend/girlfriend.  I posted that earlier.  But if it came out naturally in conversation during the first meet, that would be okay too.

His reaction was still over the top though.

Edited November 20, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

10 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

When people give confusing, awkward, stupid answers early on, there are many more stupid things to come

LOL that made me laugh.  Would you mind if I made that my signature line?  Just kidding. 

[Alvi]

39 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Move on. Any weirdness early on--any subjective feeling of weirdness--run! Period. 

Someone with real social skill and interest would find a way to answer the question in a way that felt safe to you. I think he had another date lined up. And yes, he could be married. He was so clumsy in asking you what you meant. That was just plain stupid--and bizarre., 

Run. When people give confusing, awkward, stupid answers early on, there are many more stupid things to come.  Huge red flag. 

It's entirely possible that he had another date planned up and he used this overreaction as an excuse to drop me. Absolutely nothing about on-line dating surprises me anymore. 

[Alvi]

36 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Agree.  Personally, I would not have asked at all, I save all that 'accountability" stuff (which is how HE may have interpreted it) for when we are boyfriend/girlfriend.  I posted that earlier.  But if it came out naturally in conversation during the first meet, that would be okay too.

His reaction was still over the top though.

Perhaps it wasn't the best question to ask. But still, his reaction was way off. I mean, ignore me for hours and then have a freak out about it. And on top of that cancel the date the next morning. There is definitely something not right about him. I think if we actually ended up dating each other, I would always have to walk on the eggshells, always be conscious about what and how I am saying things to him. That's no way to live. But he could be just married or doing something illegal too, lol.

[Alvi]

5 hours ago, Mrin said:

Dude is a weirdo. We all know the correct answer to give when asked that question by a woman you are trying to woo goes a little something like, "mmmm, going to do a little deep cleaning around my place, some reading and then work out" even if the real answer is "sit on my couch in my underwear playing video games and drinking milk from the carton". 

Oh, that's what the guys typically do when they tell that they are doing something exiting? lol. Good to know, ha ha ha

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Sun Seeker said:

That's what confuses me too.. if you had plans to meet today, he told you he took the day off, seems a bit weird to ask what his plans are? Surely his plans are... to meet you, as that's what you both agreed? Asking that implies that you are not meeting him.

 

no…

 

undure factors like what time were you to meet? How far of a drive would it be with traffic patterns? In a metro area if you planned on meeting at 5 and he thinks it coukd take him over an gr to get to this area,then he’d need to park.  So he might be planning on leaving home at 3 pm. He wants to shower and change before the date so if he was working he’d want to work till 1 pm.  So he decided I’ll take the whole day off instead.

where he works he might have days to burn for leave. He decided to do it today.  Where I work there is a carry over cap on leave.ifyou exceed that you lose it. Many coworkers will take these Monday/ fridays off.

 

the way you asked or phrased could have come off as you forgot that there was a date.  You forgetting a date says h isn’t important enough or he is an afterthought.

 

as I said ifyou phrased it differently to say what are you doing before our date would have had a different result.

[Girl Fade Away]

20 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Perhaps it wasn't the best question to ask. But still, his reaction was way off. I mean, ignore me for hours and then have a freak out about it. And on top of that cancel the date the next morning. There is definitely something not right about him. I think if we actually ended up dating each other, I would always have to walk on the eggshells, always be conscious about what and how I am saying things to him. That's no way to live. But he could be just married or doing something illegal too, lol.

I think it is best to not overthink it.  It could be anything from he felt uncomfortable being accountable to a woman he has never met (again his interpretation) to he never had any intention to meet.  Frankly I think it is the former, there are men who are uncomfortable being asked to be accountable to a woman before boyfriend/girlfriend so when you asked "so what are your plans today before we meet?" tbh it DOES kind of sound like that, like something a "girlfriend" would ask not a woman you never met. 

Just trying to see his side BUT you are right his reaction was way WAY over the top!  Bullet dodged.

Edited November 20, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Perhaps it wasn't the best question to ask. But still, his reaction was way off. 

It was a perfectly acceptable question.  Someone who gets bent out of shape about a question which is so benign is to be avoided.

You dodged a bullet.  

Edited November 20, 2021 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, good grief. 

You did nothing wrong, OP. It was a throw-away, small-talk question that doesn't require careful thought, construction or delivery. If he was offended by it, he's an over-sensitive weirdo. Plain and simple. 

My guess is that he had changed his mind about meeting and this was a pefect "excuse" to wiggle out of it. 

Next. 

 

 

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, Sun Seeker said:

That's what confuses me too.. if you had plans to meet today, he told you he took the day off, seems a bit weird to ask what his plans are? Surely his plans are... to meet you, as that's what you both agreed? Asking that implies that you are not meeting him.

I believe the date was planned for the night. He apparently took the entire day off. It hardly seems likely he would spend the entire day preparing for the date. And she would have to be conceited to assume he was spending the whole day preparing to meet her. So her question sounds pretty innocuous to me. He would have to be extremely insecure or to be one of those people who assumed the worst of others for this to be his only interpretation of her question.

@OP, if someone had asked me the same question, I would have viewed it as an attempt to make small talk or an attempt at playfulness, and I would have reacted accordingly. I have no idea why the guy reacted the way he did. The different reasons folks have given seem plausible. And if any of them is true, then it tells you something about the guy, namely that perhaps he is the sort of person you would not want to date. I know I wouldn't have felt comfortable meeting him after that reaction.

[Lotsgoingon]

14 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

LOL that made me laugh.  Would you mind if I made that my signature line?  Just kidding. 

Sure, you can use it ... I learned this truth through painful and repeated experience ... 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Alvi said:

Perhaps it wasn't the best question to ask.

 He sounds like the "You talkin' to me?" scene out of "Taxi Driver". Creepy.

 

[josi334]

It seems that your question "annoyed" him since he was already not very interested in meeting you. He seems moody and bitter (maybe not over an ex or something else). He does not seem ready to date though.