What did I ask wrong?

[Alvi]

I've been talking to this guy on-line since Tuesday and he asked me to meet him today. We texted quite a bit till yesterday evening. This is where things got a bit strange. He told me that he took Friday off work. I asked him what his plans for the day are. He became quiet and didn't text me for several hours. Then he asked me what I meant what he is going to do? I tried to explain that since he has a whole day off he must have some plans for the morning and afternoon, till we meet.  I dunno, like sleep all day, go out shopping, go for a walk, go rob a bank (kidding!). I told him that I am trying to get to know him better, that's all. He told me that something must be lost in translation and that we should not text each other anymore and go just meet. So we stopped texting and this morning he sends me a message saying that he doesn't feel like meeting me. No problem, I was not that eager to meet him either. I wished him well and blocked him. But what was so strange about my question that set him off like that? Could he be doing something illegal or is he married or what? I didn't mean to probe and to grill him about anything but why did I hit some nerve with him?

P.S. I actually unblocked him and asked what was so wrong me asking him this question, but got no reply. I am going to block him again.

Edited November 19, 2021 by Alvi

[Happy Lemming]

You did nothing wrong... I'd probably ask the same question about the day off.

For me, when I took a day off from work, I usually had something interesting going on and was glad to share it. I might even invite the person if I thought they may enjoy the activity.

If something like that innocent question set him off... good riddance.

[Calmandfocused]

Firstly, I’d advise that you don’t block unless you really mean it. The block/ unblock game screams emotional immaturity. I’m not surprised you didn’t get a response after the unblock. 
 

There’s something about this that makes me think you were too intrusive about how you asked the question. How did you ask it? 

[Killian898]

Not sure. Maybe he just found your question a bit irritating as you’ve never actually met and he doesn’t really know you. And also you haven’t even had a first date yet and so don’t even know if you like each other.
 

Question: why block and then unblock him, and then block him again? Are you afraid he’s going to contact you again and you don’t want that to happen? If so, but didn’t you ask him a question which you want answered? 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Killian898

[Alvi]

5 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Firstly, I’d advise that you don’t block unless you really mean it. The block/ unblock game screams emotional immaturity. I’m not surprised you didn’t get a response after the unblock. 
 

There’s something about this that makes me think you were too intrusive about how you asked the question. How did you ask it? 

But I would not get response either way since he told me that he doesn't want to meet me. I asked him: "So, what are you plans for the day?" That's all.

[Alvi]

1 minute ago, Killian898 said:

Question: why block and then unblock him, and then block him again? Are you afraid he’s going to contact you again and you don’t want that to happen? If so, but didn’t you ask him a question which you want answered? 

I was just trying to find out what he thinks I asked wrong for the future references. But you are right, it was more of an impulse. 

[Alvi]

12 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

If something like that innocent question set him off... good riddance.

Thanks. I would ask this question a friend, a work collogue, a person who lives down the road from me. You are probably right, if something so little sets someone off, then it is a not a good sign.

[Alvi]

4 minutes ago, Killian898 said:

Not sure. Maybe he just found your question a bit irritating as you’ve never actually met and he doesn’t really know you. And also you haven’t had a first date and so don’t even know if you like each other.

Maybe. I don't know what his life experiences are. Maybe he though I was trying to control him, but that wasn't my intention. Or maybe he was doing something illegal and didn't wish to discuss it. In any case, I am more of an easy-going person and would not get along with someone who gets upset over something so little and insignificant (without even wanting to discuss it first). Not a good match for me.

[Happy Lemming]

10 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Thanks. I would ask this question a friend, a work collogue, a person who lives down the road from me. You are probably right, if something so little sets someone off, then it is a not a good sign.

Even if I was getting a root canal, I'd probably share that and try to make some kind of joke out of it.

If it was something "super personal", I might say "going to the doctor, nothing wrong... just a checkup".  Or "no plans... I just need to use up my vacation time before the end of the year"... there are plenty of generic responses that one could use without getting snippy.

 

[Alvi]

4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Even if I was getting a root canal, I'd probably share that and try to make some kind of joke out of it.

If it was something "super personal", I might say "going to the doctor, nothing wrong... just a checkup".  Or "no plans... I just need to use up my vacation time before the end of the year"... there are plenty of generic responses that one could use without getting snippy.

Exactly! Thanks Happy Lemming! There are lots of ways you can reply if didn't feel sharing something super personal. There are times I don't feel like disclosing things to a stranger so I would say:" Oh, I have some chores to do. or few errands to run" Why get upset over a super generic question? lol.

Sometimes, I think whatever happens  is for the best. Don't think I would be compatible with this guy if we somehow ended up dating.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

I've been talking to this guy on-line since Tuesday and he asked me to meet him today. We texted quite a bit till yesterday evening. This is where things got a bit strange. He told me that he took Friday off work. I asked him what his plans for the day are. He became quiet and didn't text me for several hours. Then he asked me what I meant what he is going to do? I tried to explain that since he has a whole day off he must have some plans for the morning and afternoon, till we meet.  I dunno, like sleep all day, go out shopping, go for a walk, go rob a bank (kidding!). I told him that I am trying to get to know him better, that's all. He told me that something must be lost in translation and that we should not text each other anymore and go just meet. So we stopped texting and this morning he sends me a message saying that he doesn't feel like meeting me. No problem, I was not that eager to meet him either. I wished him well and blocked him. But what was so strange about my question that set him off like that? Could he be doing something illegal or is he married or what? I didn't mean to probe and to grill him about anything but why did I hit some nerve with him?

P.S. I actually unblocked him and asked what was so wrong me asking him this question, but got no reply. I am going to block him again.

It says to him you are a flake because you didn’t mention plans to meet.

 

you could have said what are your plans before we meet?

[Alvi]

6 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

It says to him you are a flake because you didn’t mention plans to meet.

We already had plans to meet set in place. We were supposed to meet tonight.

 

[ShyViolet]

I don't think your question was inappropriate at all, but maybe he felt that it was too nosy or intrusive when you don't even know each other.  I could see how someone MIGHT feel that way.  Maybe he had a previous girlfriend who was controlling or always asking him what he was doing all the time, and maybe it reminded him of that.

[seapebbles]

His reaction is strange. Why even bother telling you that he took the day off work if he wasn't comfortable telling you why? What are his work hours? Maybe he needed to take time off work to be able to meet you tonight? I guess that would be confusing if you then asked him what he was doing on his day off. But, it's also strange that he didn't want to text anymore and then canceled your plans the day of. Sounds like it worked out for the best anyway.

[Alvi]

8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't think your question was inappropriate at all, but maybe he felt that it was too nosy or intrusive when you don't even know each other.  I could see how someone MIGHT feel that way.  Maybe he had a previous girlfriend who was controlling or always asking him what he was doing all the time, and maybe it reminded him of that.

Yes, that's what I am thinking. But that would suggest to me that he is not over his ex or have dealt with the past hurt. He didn't have to answer it if he didn't want to. He could've deflected the question or something. For me, the way he reacted way way out of there. I tried to explain myself to him and at that point he totally shut down. We are total strangers after all. He doesn't owe me anything. I don't owe him anything. I don't usually answer question if I find them too intrusive or offensive. But I don't overreact if I am asked about them either. Would someone be a good, healthy partner if a simple question can set him or her off? Probably not.

Edited November 19, 2021 by Alvi

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

Then he asked me what I meant what he is going to do?.  this morning he sends me a message saying that he doesn't feel like meeting me.

Dodged a bullet. Weird reaction to typical small talk. Yes. delete and block

[Alvi]

11 minutes ago, seapebbles said:

His reaction is strange. Why even bother telling you that he took the day off work if he wasn't comfortable telling you why? What are his work hours? Maybe he needed to take time off work to be able to meet you tonight? I guess that would be confusing if you then asked him what he was doing on his day off. But, it's also strange that he didn't want to text anymore and then canceled your plans the day of. Sounds like it worked out for the best anyway.

He told me that he works during the daytime. But who knows what's going on with him. Maybe whatever happen to him was related to his work. Or maybe something is going on in his life that he is not willing to share. Maybe he though my question was too controlling and intrusive. He could've told me that he didn't wish to discuss what he was doing or not doing on his day off. In any case, I've never encountered such a reaction before. And that left me totally baffled.  It's not like I asked him how much money he has in his bank account or how many women he dated since his ex. But the moral for me here is to take is that you never know what might set someone off. There might be a good vibe and poof, it might be gone just like that. But whatever happens is for the best probably in a long run. Communication for me is a key. I would certainly not want to walk around eggshells and wonder what and if I did something wrong with a person that I am dating. 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Alvi

[Happy Lemming]

20 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Maybe he had a previous girlfriend who was controlling or always asking him what he was doing all the time, and maybe it reminded him of that.

Unfortunately, some people aren't mature enough not to paint the sins of the previous partner onto a new potential date/partner.

This guy didn't want to give Alvi a clean slate and wants her to pay for past wrongs by his previous partner.

 

[Gaeta]

Geez eh! I think he got on the defensive because he has something to hide. GF maybe, a wife. Another weirdo!

[bene]

Your question sounds innocent enough to me. I don’t see anything wrong with it, just making conversation. But if an innocent question sets him off like that then it’s probably best that you didn’t meet.

[princessaurora]

You didn't do anything wrong Alvi. Asking someone  what their plans are for the day especially when they just told you they were off is a normal generic question. At my workplace we use it often to make conversation with customers And I am often asked this as well when I'm visiting places. It seems that many men  from online dating have serious issues, and this guy just proved he's one of them. 

[Girl Fade Away]

Alvi, he may have had another date or meet scheduled or a few.  So he might have thought that your question was a roundabout way of that finding out and thus intrusive.   That is just a guess though.  In any case, I agree with @ShyVioletyour question hit a nerve, either controlling ex or an invasion of his privacy/space before ever even meeting.    

I typically do or did not inquire about what my dates were up to on any particular day or night until we were boyfriend/girlfriend.  None of my business really, that is how I see it.  But I am big protector of my own space and privacy so I am sensitive to others needs for same.  However, I may share what I am doing on my own but that would be my choice.

Edited November 19, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Mrin]

Dude is a weirdo. We all know the correct answer to give when asked that question by a woman you are trying to woo goes a little something like, "mmmm, going to do a little deep cleaning around my place, some reading and then work out" even if the real answer is "sit on my couch in my underwear playing video games and drinking milk from the carton". 

Seriously, don't sweat it one bit. Perfectly normal question to ask. 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Mrin

[newheart]

I agree with others that you did nothing wrong.  Asking what someone is up to on their day off is a very common way to make conversation, and if he were doing something personal that he was not prepared to divulge, he could have easily omitted that information without being weird.  I feel like you dodged a bullet here. 

[notbroken]

You did nothing wrong.   It was an innocent question.   If he can't deal with something so simple then you dodged a bullet.  Next!