Raveninthedark Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 I have never really asked for someone back, especially when I technically haven't been in a relationship with that person. I'm 28, the guy I was dating is 38. We met in February online dating and he was literally everything that I had been looking for. Even when I told my mom, I told her I was scared to date him because I had JUST got out of a serious, very traumatic relationship just 4 weeks prior. I wasn't really looking for anyone serious. But, I decided to give it a try anyway. This guy introduced me to what a gentleman REALLY IS. No joke, he literally set the bar and standards so high for me, that it's hard for me to find someone I actually like now. The problem was, I was still extremely in love with my ex-boyfriend. I tried to date this guy and I was extremely impressed, stimulated, attracted to him, etc., and we dated for 2 months. However, whenever he tried to initiate sex I would make a ton of excuses or have a full-on panic attack. Obviously, he got tired of it and broke it off with me as we were nearing the 3rd month. (The reason I had panic attacks during sex is that I became pregnant with my ex and had a really traumatic, physically painful miscarriage. With that, I discovered a boatload of lies and secrets he'd been harboring from me. I had NO BUSINESS dating ANYONE that soon.) It's been seven months. I've been in therapy for what happened with my ex and I have fully healed and moved on. I started seriously dating again about 2 months ago. And, the gentleman has always been on my mind since then. I literally think about him almost every single week and what could have been. I really did like him I was just terrified to have sex. Plus, after dating him... nobody has really compared. We follow each other on social media and have each other's phone numbers. On Instagram, I told him I lost his phone number (which was true) hoping to kick things off from there but he didn't respond. About a month after that message, he sent me a text saying that was his number but I was dating somebody else at the time and so I didn't flirt or pursue anything after that message. Here is the kicker. I run a nonprofit organization with family, I only participate part-time though. We need donations, money, clothes, and food. He happens to be a restaurant owner that donates food to organizations. I asked him, along with a few other business owners I know, if he wanted to help. We actually met up for dinner and discussed it and he agreed to donate food and participate in the event. We really do need donations and help so it's not a lie or anything. However, I also want to try and date again but I don't know if he's still single and I don't know if he'll be uncomfortable, especially considering the fact that he's gonna have to work with me in the next few weeks at volunteer events? What do you guys think? I also don't know how I should do it exactly? Or how to say it? He dumped me, technically, saying he didn't think we liked each other enough. But, overall, I just wouldn't be intimate with him. I would barely even kiss him on some days. But, I am for sure ready for all of that now.
Wiseman2 Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 If he's still interested, you'll know because he would ask you out. It's unfortunate you started dating too soon. You may have given the impression of "damaged goods". Don't chase him. Let go. Continue to heal from your ordeal. Make sure you follow up with your doctors. 3
Weezy1973 Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 I’d imagine he knows you’re interested again. The ball is in his court now. Either he’ll ask you out again or he won’t. 1
elaine567 Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 Men tend to like sex with the woman they are dating so yes he could have dumped you due to no sex, but that may not have been the only reason. I think it is usually a big mistake to revisit failed relationships. I would just let him go. 2
salparadise Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 1 hour ago, Raveninthedark said: However, whenever he tried to initiate sex I would make a ton of excuses or have a full-on panic attack. Obviously, he got tired of it and broke it off with me as we were nearing the 3rd month. It's a shame that the timing was off, but still three months is a long time to hold someone at arm's length like that. If intimacy wasn't happening I assume the relationship wasn't developing either. If I were him I'd be thinking, this woman has no sex drive, and probably has trouble letting anyone inside her hula hoop. I'd be afraid that a year or so down the line we'd be back to the same place. And you know how it is... once a person cools off it's not going to be easy. So I differ from the other opinions as to the ball being in his court and you just waiting. I think you may need to take some initiative. I wouldn't suggest going straight for sex, but you need to let him know you're interested now. Explain that the timing was wrong (without the details). Sounds like he's a guy with options, so who knows. 1
Blind-Sided Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 I think it's more than just no sex after 3 months. I've waited that long for someone I was interested in. BUT... if you started... and then have a panic attack... and/or have an excuse... then in his mind, you were a either a tease, or just a little nuts. Either way... a guy with his act together will not want to deal with that. I've personally known a lot of very pretty girls, but there was no way I could consider a long term relationship with them because they were crazy. I'm sorry you dated too soon... but you may just have to let this one go. 3
Ami1uwant Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 This will be hard. He saw you at your worst so it would be hard to convince him you have changed. how do you know youare ready for sex? Was there something more with him that caused the anxiety? 1
chillii Posted November 20, 2021 Posted November 20, 2021 You'll know , but that's not the issue. Didn't you talk about things and explain what's going on. lf it was anything special enough to him between you , he would've understood being only 1 mth out of a long relationship with big problems. l don't think there was enough there between you which he pretty well told you of anyway. So now even if , so you may sleep with him , but l'd doubt it'll even go anywhere anyway,
Gaeta Posted November 20, 2021 Posted November 20, 2021 I would say just start by being your happy self around him. You don't even know if he's single. Your thinking that no man compare to him is dangerous. There are plenty of men that compare to him or are better than him, you just need to start dating and find them. I'm an active dater, each time I think an-amazing-one got away there is another one right at the corner. 1
DelarosaKandy Posted November 20, 2021 Posted November 20, 2021 8 hours ago, chillii said: You'll know , but that's not the issue. Didn't you talk about things and explain what's going on. lf it was anything special enough to him between you , he would've understood being only 1 mth out of a long relationship with big problems. l don't think there was enough there between you which he pretty well told you of anyway. So now even if , so you may sleep with him , but l'd doubt it'll even go anywhere anyway, So I never told him about the miscarriage I had, just that it was a terrible relationship. I was too embarrassed and ashamed about it and never really told anyone. And it wasn’t just the sex, I was not intimate at all with him. i’m actually extremely physical and intimate and who I was at that point is definitely not representative of who I actually am. I was just extremely depressed. and the reason why I know i am ready is because I have dated other guys since June and I’ve had sex since then. I actually had another 3 month relationship with someone that I ended around September because we had completely different goals. That guy was an absolute gentleman too. But he was extremely against kids, didn’t like them or have patience. So I felt like I was wasting my time there. And I’ve dated a few others too. With this other guy, here’s the thing. He has agreed to volunteer with side by side for two upcoming events in December that I’m throwing. I told him, repeatedly, he did not have to donate or volunteer. It would be helpful ans great if he did but I didn’t want him feel pressured. He’s agreeing to donate $500 worth of food to my event and asked to volunteer with me. I thought maybe that could be an opening for me. But, if it’s a waste of time then I’ll make sure to keep it professional and not mess up things by asking him out.
DelarosaKandy Posted November 20, 2021 Posted November 20, 2021 5 hours ago, Gaeta said: I would say just start by being your happy self around him. You don't even know if he's single. Your thinking that no man compare to him is dangerous. There are plenty of men that compare to him or are better than him, you just need to start dating and find them. I'm an active dater, each time I think an-amazing-one got away there is another one right at the corner. I love that! i’ve dated okay guys since him too but he for sure set the standards really high. I’ve noticed now I only date guys who have similar mannerisms. I also have a very type A personality and prefer guys who are the same. Other than 1 guy I dated this year for 3 months, they’ve all been type B where they want me to plan the first date, they want me to set it up, they want me to call for reservations. All on the first date. one guy wanted me to drive 2 hours to meet him AND find a place for us to eat in HIS city. He wasn’t offering to even meet halfway, even tho he had the day off and I was working. (I didn’t meet him). This guy and I had a lot in common, we would talk and joke for hours, and he also had an extremely type A personality. He would thoroughly plan our dates from beginning to end. I feel that’s why it even lasted as long as it did, 2-3 months where we saw each other twice a week, and talked every night. I think he was trying to hold out for me to heal over my last relationship and I was not really budging. And that’s kind of what he told me too. That he felt like I needed more time to myself and he doesn’t feel I’m connected to him in the same way. but I loved your post, I’ll just be more patient with finding a great guy :)
dramafreezone Posted November 20, 2021 Posted November 20, 2021 On 11/19/2021 at 12:31 AM, Raveninthedark said: (The reason I had panic attacks during sex is that I became pregnant with my ex and had a really traumatic, physically painful miscarriage. With that, I discovered a boatload of lies and secrets he'd been harboring from me. I had NO BUSINESS dating ANYONE that soon.) How are the panic attacks going? This is going to be a major issue with any relationship. Make sure you're of sound mind first through therapy.
stillafool Posted November 20, 2021 Posted November 20, 2021 The problem is if he's as great as you say he's probably already involved with another woman.
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